THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


A  BOOK   FOR  THE   TIMES. 


LUCY  BOSTON; 


OR, 


ILLUSTRATING 


THE  FOLLIES   AND  DELUSIONS  OP  THE 
NINETEENTH    CENTURY. 


BY   FRED.    FOLIO. 


;  This  is  the  age  of  oddities  let  loose." 


BOSTON: 
SHEPARD,    CLARK    &    CO. 

AUBURN    AND    ROCHESTER: 

ALDEN    AND    BEARDSLET. 

1855. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress.  In  the  year  1855,  by 

FEED.  FOLIO. 

Ji  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Northern  District 
of  New  York. 

' 


TO  T.  P.  MTJNRAB,  ESQ. 

DEAR  SIR: — 

rp  HOUGH  a  stranger  to  your  distinguished  person,  I  feel 
J_  sufficiently  intimate  with  you,  through  the  medium  of  your 
public  career,  to  indulge  the  belief  that  you  will  pardon  me  the 
liberty  I  have  taken  in  dedicating  to  you  the  following  work. 

I  count  myself  most  fortunate  in  the  accidental  or  predes- 
tined conjunction  of  our  "stars,"  for,  in  reality  (as  you  will 
see  on  perusal)  your  name  in  connection  with  the  succeeding 
volume  is  singularly  appropriate,  from  the  fact,  that  notwith- 
standing the  perfection  to  which  the  science  of  Natural  History 
had  arrived  during  the  former  half  of  the  present  century,  to 
you  alone  belongs  the  immortal  honor  of  having  first  verified 
the  existence  of  that  hitherto  fabulous  amalgamation  of  fish 
and  flesh  —  the  Mermaid. 

To  that  discovery,  my  dear  Munrab,  the  following  work 
owes  its  being,  and  I  take  this  occasion  publicly  to  express  my 
gratitude  for  the  services  you  have  rendered,  not  only  to  science 
and  the  world  in  general,  but  to  your  humble  servant  in 
particular. 

Accept,  then,  the  first  fruits  of  one  who  appreciates  your 
character  through  all  its  phases  of  boy,  man,  zoologist,  plough- 
man, poulterer  and  showman,  and  that  your  stature  may  never 
be  less,  is  the  ardent  wish  of  the  author, 

FRED.  FOLIO. 

in 


PREFACE. 

READER,  a  word  with  you  aside.  *  * 
Yes,  I  have  written  a  book ! 

' '  What  for  ?  "     And  what  for  such  a  book  ? 

Why,  secondarily,  for  fame,  and  money,  of  course.    That  is  for  myself. 

But  primarily,  to  fill  up  a  leisure  space,  on  the  score  of  philanthropy ; 
that  is  for  yourself.  To  be  sure,  what  do  others  write  books  for,  if  not 
because  they  wish  to  do  it.  And  why  do  they  wish  to  do  it,  if  not  for 
independence,  (competence  I  mean,)  and  for  the  public  good.  And 
now  to  save  you  the  trouble  of  asking  more  questions,  allow  me  to 
say,  you  may  laugh  as  much  as  you  like,  but  do  not  get  angered,  or, 
to  express  it  a  little  more  genteelly  give  play  to  your  risibilities  if  you 
find  any  thing  to  excite  them,  but  stay  your  ire,  for  be  assured  we  do 
not  mean  you  in  any  instance.  Just  "  stick  a  pin  here,"  and  as  we 
have  met,  so  may  we  continue,  good  friends. 

As  to  the  selection  of  our  subject,  no  doubt  but  you  will  call  it  fitly 
chosen.  Lucky  for  the  author,  if,  fortunately,  you  can  say  as  much 
of  its  treatment.  Here  is  a  point.  Stay  a  moment.  Are  you  opposed 
to  works  of  romance  ?  The  evidence  is  at  hand,  to  show  that  every 
page  embraces  more  of  truth  than  of  fiction.  Would,  for  the  credit  of 
human  nature,  it  were  shadow  instead  of  substance.  Facts,  however, 
can  be  adduced  on  the  subject  matter  before  us  which  cast  the  most 
romantic  romance  entirely  into  the  shade. 

But  are  you  grave  and  an  enemy  to  satire  ?  Well,  so  are  we,  except 
in  certain  cases.  There  is  a  time  for  every  thing,  a  subject  for  every 
style,  and  a  style  for  every  subject.  Would  you  discharge  a  seventy- 
four  pounder,  loaded  to  the  muzzle,  to  demolish  a  worm's  nest !  So, 
"nstances  occur  when  irony  and  burlesque  are  alike  more  apposite,  and 
1* 


vi  PREFACE. 

effective  in  the  accomplishment  even  of  good,  than  the  formidable  array 
of  logic  and  sober  argument. 

So  thought  Job,  the  pious  patriarch,  in  answering  his  miserable 
comforters,  and  Elisha,  the  prophet,  when  he  withstood  the  priests  of 
Baal.  Sedate  reasoning  is  the  distant  cannonade  whose  spent  balls 
roll  harmlessly  through  the  opening  ranks  of  fanaticism,  while  merited 
ridicule  is  the  hand  to  hand  assault  and  on  whose  lightning-like  shafts 
the  hapless  victims  writhe  in  death  agony. 

Or,  in  less  figurative  phrase,  homilies  for  the  thoughtful,  restraints 
for  the  headstrong,  and  a  rod  for  the  fool's  back. 

So  much  by  way  of  apology.  A  word  further  explanatory  and  di- 
rectory, to  prepare  the  way  for  the  intelligent  progress  of  the  reader. 

Some  portions  of  the  work  may  be  called  unnatural.  Well,  that 
may  be,  but  not  more  so,  we  venture  to  affirm,  than  the  actual  devel- 
opment of  human  nature  in  thousands  of  cases.  Who  has  not  seen 
individuals  act  very  unnatural?  If  truly  represented,  therefore,  their 
descriptions  must  appear  as  unnatural  as  themselves.  Would  you 
praise  an  artist  for  painting  a  monster  with  comely  proportions,  to 
avoid  the  charge  of  producing  an  unnatural  picture  of  the  human 
form?  No  matter  how  great  the  distortion  or  deformity,  the  true 
painter  will  give  a  fac  simile  without  flattery  and  without  fear.  How- 
ever the  fastidious  and  those  who  see  themselves  reflected  may  sneer,  the 
artist  feels  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  that  he  has  made  a  faithful 
transcript  of  his  subject.  • 

But  the  genuine  critic  will  command  the  integrity  and  skill  of  the 
limner  who  dares  to  stamp  truth  on  his  canvas,  regardless  of  conse- 
quences.. And  shall  the  literary  artist  be  less  scrupulous  ?  Should 
we  not  be  equally  true  to  the  life,  as  possible,  in  our  delineations  with 
the  pen  and  the  pencil  ? 

There  are  anomalies  in  human  conduct,  as  well  as  in  the  human 
form  or  the  works  of  nature.  This  fact,  borne  in  mind,  will  save  us 
from  the  charge  of  incongruity  in  the  characters  hereafter  introduced. 

If,  for  instance,  it  be  thought  that  Mrs.  Wilson  betrays  undue  ig- 


PREFACE.  vii 

norancc  and  jealousy,  at  any  time,  we  have  only  to  say,  that  equal  stu- 
pidity may  often  be  found  in  much  loftier  stations  than  a  village  board- 
ing-house. 

So,  if  Miss  Boston,  now  and  then  exhibits  a  want  of  judgment  or 
good  sense,  at  variance  with  the  native  and  established  nobility  of  her 
character,  set  it  down,  not  to  the  author,  but  the  influence  of  error  on 
even  the  soundest  and  most  exalted  minds. 

In  the  case  of  Badger,  especially,  is  an  instance  of  a  brain  com- 
pletely addled  by  fanaticism.  In  short,  whatever  may  appear  as  in- 
congruous or  unnatural  in  any  of  the  characters  brought  forward,  it 
only  shows  —  the  truth  as  it  is — how  far  imposture,  however  absurd, 
can  gain  a  footing,  and  what  fanaticism  does  in  making  dupes  and 
fools  of  otherwise  very  sensible  people.  How  many  intellects,  great 
and  small,  have  thus  been  thrown  from  their  balance,  to  wander  in  the 
mazes  of  folly  or  plunge  into  imbecility,  infidelity  and  insanity.  Sad 
evidence  of  this  have  we  in  the  mad-houses  tenanted,  families  made 
desolate  and  the  God  of  Truth  impeached  by  the  zealots  of  Spiritualism 
and  Woman's  Rights. 

Let  the  reader  bear  constantly  in  mind,  that  much  of  the  book  is  in 
the  form  of  prophetic  revelation,  and  hence  the  scenes  are  laid  in  the 
future,  but  none  the  less  truthfully  on  that  account.  We,  indeed,  write 
as  a  historian  recording  past  events,  but  how  we  were  transported  so  far 
in  advance  of  the  present  and  enabled  to  note  things  as  those  already 
come  to  pass,  it  is  unnecessary  to  reveal.  We  will  simply  hint,  how- 
ever, that  possibly  there  may  be  such  a  thing  as  a  spiritual  telegraph 
so  much  quicker  than  time  itself,  that  whoever  is  put  in  connection 
with  it,  gets  the  knowledge  of  current  events  long  before  they  transpire. 
But,  however  much  any  one  may  doubt  the  prophetic  portions  of  the  fol- 
lowing volume,  that,  by  no  means,  invalidates  the  remainder,  which  is 
a  veritable  record  of  existing  facts. 

And  now  ye  critics  of  patrician  rank  and  authority !  Ye  Conscript 
Fathers  of  the  Republic  of  Letters !  Be  propitious !  If  the  inexperi- 
enced traveler  in  the  devious,  doubtful  path  of  authorship  has  shown 


yiii  P.R  E  F  A  C  E  . 

himself  any  thing  of  a  true  man,  then  deign  to  nod  on  his  juvenile 
effort,  and  lead  him  up  to  the  stars. 

Or,  if  you  find  it  inexpedient  to  cheer  him  with  the  sunshine  of  your 
smile,  do  not,  I  pray  you,  descend  from  the  height  of  your  most  se- 
rene seats  to  tread  on  an  unfortunate  and  insignificant  mortal,  an  ob- 
scure worker  in  this  lower  "  sphere,"  yet  whose  aspirations,  if  not  his 
deeds,  merit  your  approval,  not  your  scorn  nor  your  ire,  much  less 
your  vindictiveness,  if,  indeed,  such  passions  can  dwell  in  your  celestial 
minds.  Pardon  the  rashness  of  your  supplicant,  but  were  ye  not  once 
habitants,  mortal  and  obscure,  like  our  humble  self,  in  this  nether 
region  ?  Think,  then,  of  whence  ye  sprung,  and  keep  bottled  the  gall 
and  wormwood  in  which  your  red  hot  iron  stiles  are  so  often  dipped. 

Were  ye  not  taught  by  your  good  mothers  never  to  be  so  naughty 
as  to  rob  bird's  nests  ? 

Let  the  memory  of  maternal  instruction  lead  you  to  desist  from 
destroying  this,  our  literary  bantling,  which  never  did  you  any  harm, 
and  never  can. 

0,  ye  gods  and  goddesses !  Jupiter  Stators,  Apollos,  Minervas  and 
Vulcans,  of  criticism, 

Consent  to  pass  our  imperfections  by ; 
At  least  bend  on  us  an  indulgent  eye. 

As  to  the  fanatical  and  splenetic,  the  prejudiced  or  malicious  Spirit- 
ualists and  Woman's  Rights  clan,  male  and  female,  with  their  apolo- 
gists, we  have  no  hope  of  propitiating  them.  They  will,  of  course, 
pour  out  the  vials  of  their  wrath  upon  the  head  of  the  unknown  author. 
Their  vocabulary  wilt  be  exhausted  in  hard  sayings  against  us,  but  it 
will  only  prove  the  old  adage  true,  that  a  "wounded  bird  will  flutter." 

So  do  your  worst,  ye  "  strong  minded  "  and  ye  "  spirit  rappers."  We 
fear  you  not.  Vain  will  all  your  efforts  be  to  destroy  our  book.  Written, 
as  it  is,  to  expose  to  public  contempt  the  two  greatest  humbugs  of  mod- 
ern times,  it  will  be  read  by  all  sensible  people,  who  are  both  disgusted 
with  the  follies  and  pained  by  the  evils  of  Spiritualism  and  Woman's 
Rights. 


CHAPTER   I. 

INTRODUCTORY. 

"  Some  books  are  lies  frae  end  to  end, 
And  some  great  lies  were  never  penn'd, 
But  this  that  I  am  gaun  to  tell 
I'  just  as  tru's  the  Deil's  in  h— 11, 

Or  Dublin  city." 

¥E  recollect  on  a  certain  occasion,  to  have  heard  a  clergy- 
man give  out  from  the  pulpit  a  notice  something  as 
follows :  "  There  will  be  a  meeting  of  the  female  ladies  of  this 
society,  &c."  —  naming  the  time  and  place,  but  the  object  of 
the  meeting  has  this  moment  escaped  our  recollection.  We 
remember,  however,  of  being  sorely  puzzled,  at  the  time,  to  com- 
prehend his  meaning;  or  to  what  order  of  bipeds  a  woman 
would  belong  who  was  not  a.  female  woman.  But  to  those  who 
may  have  the  felicity  of  perusing  the  following  delectable  nar- 
ration, the  matter  will  be  fully  explained.  In  fact,  many  now 
living  are  destined  to  see  such  changes  as  the  history  of  the 
past  can  no  where  produce. 

Among  the  least  of  these  novelties,  is  a  new  classification  of 
the  human  species.  Hitherto  the  division  of  the  Genus  Homo 
has  been  simply  into  male  and  female,  but  not  long  hence  will 
be  seen  a  subdivision  of  the  latter  into  masculine  and  feminine 


10  LUCY   BOSTON. 

women ;  the  former  appellation  attaching  exclusively  and  dis- 
tinctively to  those  who  don  the  bi-furcated  appendages  of  the 
sterner  sex,  and  lead  the  van  in  the  ownward  march  of  woman's 
rights. 

WOMAN'S    RIGHTS. 

Reader,  we  are  about  to  give  a  veritable  history  of  this 
movement,  in  the  course  of  which  we  shall  make  disclosures  of 
a  character  so  extraordinary,  and  open  to  the  world  events  so 
startling  in  their  nature  that  we  fear  credulity  itself  will  almost 
doubt  the  authenticity  of  the  simple  narrative  of  facts  which 
we  are  about  to  relate. 

But  in  this,  our  exordium,  we  wish  distinctly  to  avow  our 
admiration  of  the  sex  in  general,  and  of  female  women  in  par- 
ticular ;  also  that  we  are  not  so  fool-hardy  as  to  undertake  a 
crusade  against  any  of  their  long  established  rights.  That  they 
have  ever  worn  the  breeches  in  a  figurative  sense,  and  indirect- 
ly controlled  the  stronger  sex,  from  Eve  downward,  as  abso- 
lutely as  Napoleon  his  legious,  no  one  in  his  sober  senses  will 
for  a  moment  deny,  and  any  attempt  to  reverse  or  modify  this 
time  established  order  would  be  no  less  futile  than  Don  Quix- 
ote's encounter  with  the  wind-mills,  or  the  efforts  of  Mrs.  Par- 
tington  to  sweep  back  the  tide  of  the  ocean  with  her  mop. 
The  Atlantic  was  indeed  aroused,  and  so  was  Mrs.  Partington; 
but  the  contest  was  unequal,  and  after  a  gallant  resist- 
ance, Mrs.  Partington,  like  other  great  souls  under  adverse 
circumstances,  was  obliged  to  succumb  as  all  would  be 
who  should  deny  or  seek  to  subvert  the  supremacy  of  wo- 
man's will. 

As  to  the  matter  of  the  work  before  us  we  disclaim  all  re- 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.      11 

sponsibility.  We  do  not  discuss  any  abstract  principle  of  right 
or  wrong  since  all  argument  on  the  subject,  pro  or  con.,  would 
be  a  work  of  supererogation.  It  is  simply  a  record  of  historic 
facts,  but  differing  from  history  in  general  in  the  following 
important  particular.  It  is  not  a  recital  of  past  events  gleaned 
from  musty  documents,  doubtful  records,  and  still  more  uncer- 
tain traditions,  but  a  history  of  the  future  as  authentic  and 
true  as  if  drawn  from  that  primal  home  of  truth  itself,  "  the 
bottom  of  a  well."  In  fact,  we  have  learned  beyond  a  shadow 
of  a  doubt,  that  before  the  close  of  the  present  century  the 
self-styled  "  lords  of  creation"  will  not  only  actually  and  liter- 
ally be  sans  cullottes,  but  regarded  the  weaker  vessel  and  treated 
as  such  by  their  fair  enslaver. 

But,  says  the  skeptical  reader,  how  is  this  mighty  revolution 
to  be  effected?  Not  by  sudden  outbreak  of  warlike  demon- 
stration. Man  was  never  thoroughly  conquered  by  the  broom- 
stick. He  may  be  subdued  for  the  time  and  lie,  like  unhappy 
Poland,  at  the  feet  of  his  relentless  subjugator ;  but,  like 
Poland,  will  he  seize  every  favorable  opportunity  for  revolt. 
His  submission  is  secured  only  by  constant  and  untiring  vigi- 
lance. For  the  most  part  woman's  anger,  like  the  convulsions 
of  nature,  is  terrific,  but  does  not  endure.  The  storm-cloud 
may  gather,  break  and  discharge  itself,  till  every  valley  becomes 
a  miniature  sea ;  in  an  hour  it  has  passed  away  and  the  golden 
sunlight  flashes  on  hill  and  plain  which  look  all  the  more 
bright  and  glorious  for  the  storm  that  has  swept  over  them. 
The  showers  of  April  are  quickly  followed  by  the  sunshine  of 
May.  So  with  woman.  Her  paroxysms  of  wrath  are  soon 
succeeded  by  the  smiles  of  love  and  the  kisses  of  peace. 


12  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Against  open  attack  we  can  defend  ourselves.  Woman  is 
powerful  but  in  her  own  sphere.  'Tis  not  when  she  assumes 
the  "port  of  Mars,"  but  when  she  puts  on  "the  angel  to  de 
celve  "  that  we  have  ought  to  fear.  And  here,  says  the  sapient 
reader  to  himself,  he're  lies  the  danger.  When  wordan  "  stoops 
to  conquer"  when  she  brings  into  play  her  smiles  and  her  tears 
with  her  thousand  coquettish  arts,  in  short  when  she 

«  Comes  to  lay, 
Her  nets  of  roses  in  our  way," 

then  it  is  that  losing  our  independence,  we  suffer  ourselves  to 
be  bound  as  with  fetters  of  steel.  Yet  impotent  as  we  are 
under  the  enchantments  of  the  sex,  a  want  of  preconcerted  and 
united  action  on  their  part  has  thus  far  left  us  free.  Let  thenr 
once  realize  their  power,  let  them  combine  as  well  as  "stoop  to 
conquer,"  and  we  may  well  dread  the  result. 

Mark  that  tiny  streamlet  as  it  wends  its  way  down  the 
mountain  slope.  It  issues  from  glittering  dew  drops  brushed 
by  the  breath  of  spring  from  leaf  and  flower.  Whispering  its 
nothings  to  the  summer  breeze  and  coquetting  with  the  flow- 
erets that  fringe  its  banks,  it  goes  dancing  to  the  sound  of  its 
own  liquid  music  and  laughing  to  scorn  the  obstacles  which 
obstruct  its  progress.  Joined  successively  by  sister  streamlets, 
anon,  the  aggregate  swells  into  the  majestic  river,  rolling  on- 
ward to  the  ocean  whose  yielding  but  resistless  folds  encircle 
the  world.  So  with  woman.  She  will  lure  us  with  syren 
song,  she  will  strew  with  garlands  her  conquering  path,  and 
'wreathe  our  chains  with  fairy  favors  till  submissive,  cringing 
slaves,  we  lie  at  her  feet,  then  Sampson  like,  are  we  delivered 
into  the  hands  of  the  Philistines. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXin    CENTURY.      13 

Most  logical  reader,your  reasoning  is  ingenious  and  to  human 
foresight  is  alike  plausible  and  conclusive,  but  it  is  of  the 
"  earth,  earthy."  Woman's  wiles,  woman's  smiles  and  woman's 
blandishments  will  have  their  influence  on  the  great  revolution 
with  which  the  future  is  pregnant,  but  these  alone  would  never 
give  it  birth.  Another  power  differing  essentially  from  ordinary 
human  instrumentality  and  unencumbered  with  the  dross  of  ma- 
terialism, is  exerting  its  potent  but  invisible  agency  in  behalf 
of  the  down-trodden  and  enslaved  petticoatocracy  of  the  Empire 
State. 

This  agency  more  supernatural  in  its  origin — more  miracu- 
lous in  its  developments  than  any  thing  the  world  has  witnessed 
since  the  magic  transactions  in  the  castle  of  Udolpho  or  the  en- 
counters of  pious  Cotton  Mather  with  the  witches  of  Salem,  is  yet 
in  mere  embryo,  but  in  forthcoming  maturity  is  destined  to  revolu- 
tionize the  world,  forming  a  new  meridian  in  the  calendar  of  time, 
and  casting  a  halo  of  glory  around  the  close  of  the  nineteenth 
century,  compared  with  which,  the  boasted  human  inventions  of 
the  age,  will  be  but  as  farthing  rush-lights  beside  the  crater  of 
Vesuvius,  or  the  pattering  of  rain  drops,  to  the  roar  of  Niagara. 

"We  allude  to  Spiritualism,  the  talisman  under  which  woman, 
casting  her  banner  to  the  breeze  will  bear  it  onward  from  vic- 
tory to  victory,  till  it  floats  proudly  in  the  noontide  blaze  of 
political  power  and  then .  But  we  must  not  anticipate. 

Produce  your  authority  says  the  incredulous  reader,  for  these 
wonderful  revelations  or  how  are  we  to  judge  of  their  veracity. 
Were  we  writing  of  the  past,  your  demand  would  be  reasonable, 
and  if  refused  an  answer,  the  credibility  of  the  narrative  might 
well  be  doubted.  But  the  work  before  us,  from  its  very  na- 
2 


14  LUCY    BOSTON. 

turc,  must  necessarily  rest  on  the  ipse  dixit  of  the  writer,  with 
the  simple  assurance  that  time  will  eventually  stamp  it  with 
the  seal  of  truthfulness.  It  will  naturally  be  asked  in  what 
manner  we  came  in  possession  of  the  wonderful  facts  about  to 
be  disclosed,  or  how  we  alone  are  made  the  favored  organ  in 
giving  them  to  the  world.  We  have  already  intimated  that 
our  pen  may  be  but  the  passive  tool  of  Spiritualism  —  that 
among  the  idiosyncrasies  of  this  prophetic  age,  it  may  have 
been  given  us  to  peer  through  or  behind  the  curtain  that 
hides  the  future,  and  with  unclouded  vision  to  gaze  out  upon 
the  stream  of  time,  as  it  flows  down  the  vista  of  centuries.  Be 
that  as  it  may,  the  modus  operandi,  or  precisely  how  we  were 
constituted  a  chronicler  of  the  future  it  is  not  essential  to  state 
or  for  the  reader  to  know,  neither  has  it  any  bearing  on  the 
authenticity  of  the  following  record. 

An  obscure  writer,  one  William  Shakspeare  who  flourished 
somewhere  near  the  close  of  the  sixteenth  century,  but  who 
seems  to  have  drank  somewhat  deeply  at  the  fountain  of  human 
thought  and  action  has  said, 

"  There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  men, 
Which  taken  in  the  flood  leads  on  to  fortune." 

A  later  author  of  some  repute  has  said, 

"  There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  woman, 
Which  taken  in  the  flood  leads—  Heaven  knows  where." 

The  doubt  implied  in  the  latter  quotation  it  is  the  design  of 
the  following  chapters  to  elucidate : 

Will  the  reader  now  seat  himself  in  the  car  of  imagination  and 
transport  himself  some  twenty  years  ahead  of  the  present  time  to 
the  commencement,  of  the  last  quarter  of  the  nineteenth  century. 


CHAPTER    II. 

"  That  night  a  cheild  might  understand 
The  Deil  had  business  on  his  hands." 

IT  seemed  almost  the  night  of  doom.  The  winds  howled 
around,  and  through  every  crevice  came  portentous  whis- 
perings. Lightnings  blazed.  The  thunder  in  quick,  cracking, 
crashing  strokes  made  heaven  and  earth  tremble,  then  rolled 
away  "loud,  deep,  and  lang." 

Amaziah  Badger  had  retired  to  rest.  But  how  could  a 
sinful  mortal  sleep  when  the  storm-god  was  wroth  and  seemed 
about  to  shiver  every  thing  to  atoms.  Earth,  air  and  sky, 
mingled  together,  portended  some  dire  catastrophe. 

Such  a  night  was  calculated  to  induce  gloomy  forebodings 
and  people  superstitious  fancy  with  spectres  and  ghosts. 

Amaziah  had  been  accustomed  to  regard  such  a  scene  in  no 
other  light  than  simply  as  an  unpleasant  one,  nay,  he  had  often 
rallied  the  timorous  who  could  not  enjoy  a  thunder  storm. 

Though  not  given  to  superstition,  a  strange  feeling  came 
over  him.  Why,  he  could  not  tell.  He  was  in  good  health 
and  cheerful  mood.  However,  unwilling  to  incur  the  reputa- 
tion of  yielding  to  womanish  fears,  he  resolutely  sought  to 
quiet  himself  upon  his  couch. 


16  LUCYBOSTON. 

In  the  third  story  of  a  stately  mansion,  where,  it  is  not  im- 
portant to  state.  An  introduction  to  his  room  will  be  sufficient 
for  the  reader  to  comprehend  and  realize  the  gloom  of  that 
awful  night,  a  dismalness  whose  intensity  our  half  terrified 
friend  would  have  somewhat  relieved  by  lighting  his  extin- 
guished taper,  had  not  the  continuous  sheets  of  electricity 
rendered  artificial  light  both  useless  and  cheerless.  But  to  the 
room. 

It  was  moderately  large,  ceiling  high,  with  two  windows  look- 
ing to  the  street.  The  furniture  of  -ordinary  style,  bed,  ward- 
robe, centre-table,  wash-stand,  half  a  dozen  chairs,  (including 
a  comfortable  armed  rocker),  stove,  settee,  mirror,  a  small  case 
of  miscellaneous  books,  et  cetra.  On  the  stand  was  neatly 
placed,  bowl,  pitcher  and  napkin  for  his  morning  ablution. 

Thus  it  will  be  seen,  that  for  a  bachelor  (for  such  he  was  and 
enjoying  his  forty-sixth  summer),  Amaziah  was  comfortably 
provided  with  the  articles  of  life,  less  man's  "  better  half." 

For  two  long  hours  Badger  vainly  essayed  to  compose  himself 
to  sleep.  Sad  and  dismal  sensations  oppressed  him.  Never 
before  had  he  so  realized  the  estate  of  his  loneliness  in  the 
world.  Longing  for  some  one  with  whom  to  communicate,  he 
was  led  for  the  moment  to  envy  those  of  his  kind  who  were 
blessed  with  conjugal  partners  of  their  joys  and  sorrows,  espe- 
cially amid  the  terror  and  tortures  of  a  nocturnal,(not  matri- 
monial,)thunder  storm. 

The  moment  that  thought  was  indulged,  he  was  startled  by  a 
noise  in  his  room.  But  what  could  be  the  cause?  Neither 
cat  nor  dog  shared  his  bachelor's  quarters.  The  door  he  knew 
was  bolted,  and  the  elevation  of  his  apartment  was  security 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      17 

against  external  intruders.  A  flash  of  lightning  discovered  to 
him  a  chair  moved  from  its  accustomed  place.  He  could  not 
be  mistaken,  for  bachelors  you  know  are  renowned  for  the  de- 
velopment of  the  systematic  organ.  Theirs  is  the  universal, 
good  old  motto,  "  a  place  for  every  thing  and  every  thing  in 
its  place."  Another  explosion  of  electricity,  illuminating  his 
chamber  with  more  than  the  brightness  of  a  hundred  gas-bur- 
ners, confirmed  him  in  the  certainty  that  the  chair  had  been 
moved,  and  that  its  removal  had  occasioned  the  noise.  But  by 
what  power,  visible  or  invisible  ?  It  could  not  be  a  Spiritual- 
Rapper.  He  was  a  rabid  skeptic  on  that  score.  Was  it  not 
some  robber  or  assassin  issuing  from  his  concealment  to  dispatch 
his  victim  ?  Amaziah  had  wronged  no  one,  and  his  known 
antipathy  to  filthy  lucre  was  indemnity  against  the  assaults  of 
avarice.  Had  not  the  chambermaid,  either  in  a  fit  of  somnam- 
bulism or  to  play  off  some  game  of  innocent  conspiracy,  with 
her  duplicate  key,  gained  entrance  unobserved,  amid  the  rattling 
confusion  of  thunder  and  tempest?  This  last,  is  the  most 
probable  conclusion  thought  he,  at  which  thought,  instantly  the 
chairs  commenced  promenading  across  the  room  and  with  their 
legs  upward,  ranged  themselves  in  a  row  against  his  bed-side. 
We  say  ranged  themselves,  for  though  the  lightning  gave  a 
view  as  clear  as  noon-day,  there  was  no  visible  agency  in  the 
mysterious  movement.  Badger  sprang  to  a  sitting  posture. 
His  hair  stood  erect.  The  cold  sweat  gathered  in  drops  on  his 
face.  His  knees  smote  together  and  his  eyeballs  seemed 
starting  from  their  sockets.  To  escape  was  impracticable,  for 
he  was  barricaded.  He  tried  to  scream  "  murder !  help  !"  but 
his  voice  stuck  fast  in  his  throat.  Statue  like  he  sat,  the  per- 
2* 


18  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Bonification  of  ghostly  fear.  At  length  regaining  his  voluntary 
powers  and  striking  his  hand  with  violence  upon  his  forehead, 
he  collected  his  wits  about  him,  to  determine  whether  indeed 
all  this  was  reality  or  not.  Conscious  of  his  own  identity  and 
the  soundness  of  his  senses,  it  was  clearly  no  empty  vision. 

It  is  hard  to  say  what  the  effect  upon  him  would  have  been, 
whether  a  giving  up  of  the  ghost  on  the  spot,  or  confirmed 
insanity,  but  fortunately,  as  often  happens,  despair  begat  cour- 
age and  courage  banished  fear. 

His  shattered  thoughts  and  senses  measurably  restored,  he 
resolved  to  know  the  bottom  of  this  business.  Accordingly 
his  first  effort  was  to  leap  out  of  bed  and  strike  a  light,  but  his 
muscular  powers  were  suspended.  Could  it  be,  that  he  was  a 
victim  of  the  horrible  catalepsy  ?  The  bare  thought  how  ap- 
palling !  Shroud,  coffin,  weeping  friends,  funeral  train  and 
yawning  grave,  all  rose  visibly  before  him.  Darkness  gathered 
on  his  eyelids.  Already,  he  fancied  himself  lowered  to  his  final 
resting-place,  and  heard  and  felt  the  clods  falling  heavily,  with 
their  sepulchral  sound  upon  his  breast.  O  horror  of  horrors  ! 
Buried  alive  !  Was  such  his  fate  ?  This  was  indeed  living 
death  !  Every  fibre  within  him  thrilled  with  agony.  Already 
a  sense  of  suffocation  oppressed  him,  a  numbness  was  creeping 
over  his  extremities,  and  when  he  would  have  expired  —  mar- 
vellous in  the  extreme  —  the  organ  of  vitality  performed  its 
function  with  more  than  ordinary  vigor,  for  he  distinctly  felt 
and  heard  it  palpitate.  After  all,  thought  .he,  is  not  this  mere 
imagination  and  neuralgic  excitement  ?  Consciousness  assured 
him  of  his  mental  and  physical  soundness,  and  yet  the  unac- 
countable spell  petrified  and  held  him  fast. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      19 

Again  bis  alarm  returned.  Skeptic  as  he  had  been  in  rela- 
tion to  Spiritualism,  the  conviction  forced  itself  upon  him,  that 
he  was  surrounded  by  invisible  agents,  for  surely  no  mere 
earthly  cause  could  produce  such  phenomena.  He  could  no 
longer  doubt.  It  was  a  Spiritual  Manifestation.  But  the 
character  of  these  ghostly  visitors  ?  Was  it  good  or  bad, 
friendly  or  unfriendly  ?  And  their  object  ?  Was  it  a  mission 
of  benevolence,  or  had  they  come  "  to  torment  him  before  the 
time?" 

Spirits !  ghosts  !  What  feelings  a  sense  of  their  presence 
and  their  power  produces.  How  it  seems  to  lift  the  curtain 
between  both  worlds,  causing  sinful  flesh  instinctively  to 
shrink  back  from  an  unseen,  untried  eternity. 

All  he  had  ever  thought,  or  said,  or  done,  passed  in  instan- 
taneous review  before  him.  Whether  or  not  his  state  of  mind 
bringing  him  into  sympathy  or  magnetic  affinity  with  the 
mysterious  agency,  dissolved  the  spell  that  bound  him,  it  is 
difficult  to  say,  but  tortured  with  suspense,  and  with  mental 
powers  wrought  up  to  the  highest  pitch  of  intensity,  suddenly 
his  tongue  was  loused  and  he  cried, 

"What  meaueth  this?  What  terrible  judgment  is  upon 
mo  ?  Tell  me  ye  invisible  powers,  tell  me." 

But  there  came  no  response. 

Have  I  wronged  any  of  my  fellow  men  ?  If  so,  tell  me,  that 
I  may  repent  and  make  restitution. 

No  answer. 

-  The  tempest  without  still  raged,  while  awful  silence  reigned 
within.     Again  in  agony  of  soul  he  cried, 

"  Ye  powers,  mortal  or  immortal,  good  or  evil,  reveal  to  me 


20  LUCY    BOSTON. 

this  mystery.     Wherefore  is  it  and  what  doth  it  porteud?' 

But  the  powers  deigued  no  reply. 

"  Whom  and  in  what  have  I  offended  ?"  continued  he. 
"  Surely,  nothing  save  transgression  could  bring  upon  hapless 
mortal  such  a  visitation.  Inform  me  if  I  have  trespassed  on 
the  rights  of  any  human  being." 

Instantly  the  chairs  sprang  to  their  legs  again.  The  stove 
began  to  rattle  and  the  table  galloping  around  the  room,  sud- 
denly ascended  and  adhered  to  the  ceiling. 

"  I  have  then  offended.     Is  it  man  ?"  said  Badger. 

No  response. 

"  Is  it  woman  ?"  And  his  tongue  tingled  as  he  spoke.  In  a 
twinkling  his  wardrobe  rushed  from  its  retreat,  hats,  boots, 
waistcoats,  pantaloons,  and  dickeys  flying  furiously  in  all  di- 
rections. Himself,  the  picture  of  fright,  he  found,  in  a  preca- 
rious equilibrium,  astride  the  foot-board,  while  bedstead,  chairs, 
settee,  tongs,  stools,  and  every  thing  about  him,  that  had  legs, 
fell  to  rearing  and  kicking  as  if  possessed.  All  was  hurly-burly, 
except  the  wash-stand,  .which  stood  unmoved,  like  a  quiet 
spectator  of  the  scene,  a  circumstance  the  shrewd  reader,  will 
presently  comprehend. 

A  sudden  plunge  of  his  wooden  horse,  the  rider  hurled 
through  divers  vertical  revolutions,  was  safely  anchored  in  a 
sitting  posture  on  the  stove,  and  into  which  position  he  settled 
with  infinite  composure. 

To  an  ordinary  observer  Amaziah's  apartment,  in  a  state  of 
chaotic  disorder,  was  far  from  inviting,  and  his  seat  any  thing 
but  enviable.  But  Spiritualism  looks  through  other  than  mor- 
tal eyes,  and  hence  to  him,  all  was  order  symmetry  and  beauty. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXin    CENTURY.      21 

Ordinarily,  the  transition  from  a  bed,  even  of  straw,  to  a 
cast  iron  stool,  would  be  considered  something  of  a  hard  ex- 
change, especially  when  tired  nature  called  for  rest.  But  now 
to  him  it  was  delicious  as  softest  velvet.  No  easy  chair,  with 
"  cushions  at  the  arm-holes"  could  be  more  grateful.  He  fain 
would  have  sat  there  the  live- long  night.  True,  he  might  have 
desired  a  change  on  the  score  of  taste,  but  not  to  increase  the 
sum  of  his  perfect,  yet  unaccountable  felicity. 

The  storm  had  abated.  The  thunder  died  away  in  distant 
muttering,  the  lightnings  returned  to  their  hiding-place.  In 
the  elysium  of  his  bliss,  perched  upon  the  silken,  downy,  sum- 
mit of  the  stove,  the  impression  fastened  itself  upon  him  with 
irresistible  force  that  he  had  witnessed  a  Spiritual  Manifesta- 
tion, and  that  in  truth,  he  was  involuntarily  and  unconsciously 
made  a  Medium.  With  self-possession  equal  to  his  former 
trepidation,  he  at  once  inquired, 

"  Are  there  Spirits  here  ?" 

Whereupon  broke  out  such  a  rapping  as  would  have  awak- 
ened the  "seven  sleepers."  The  thumpings  of  a  thousand 
coopers  at  work  had  not  made  a  greater  clattering.  Chairs,  • 
settee,  bedstead,  tongs,  poker,  boot-jack  —  which  had  exhausted 
their  energies,  by  over-exertion,  and  subsided  into  quiet  for  a 
breathing  spell  —  again  letting  loose,  played  curious  antics. 

The  mirror  turned  its  face  to  the  wall,  and  the  table  alighting 
from  the  ceiling,  danced  a  polka  about  the  room.  Amaziah's 
coat,  of  peaceful  cut  and  the  property  of  a  peace  man,  was 
decorated  with  epaulettes,  lace  and  sash, — his  hat  with  cockade 
and  feather,  while  his  expansive,  old  fashioned  cloak  assumed 
the  character  of  our  national  banner,  with  "stars  and  stripes" 
flaunting  to  the  breeze. 


22  LUCY     BOSTON. 

Amid  the  din  of  rappings  and  tappings,  Badger's  ear  dis- 
tinctly recognized  the  tune  of  "  Yankee  Doodle,"  and  as  the 
martial  strain  ceased,  he  as  plainly  heard  the  noise  of  a  very 
large  auger  boring  upward  through  the  table,  and  saw,  or  rather 
thought  he  saw,  the  chips  fall  upon  the  floor !  *  *  *  Presently 
the  stove  commenced  a  gentle  rocking.  The  wash-bowl,  filled 
to  the  brim,  attached  to  nothing,  hung  bottom  upward  directly 
over  Amaziah's  head,  and  yet  —  strange  phenomena  —  the 
liquid  contents  in  perfect  equilibrium,  remained  undischarged. 
A  soothing,  blissful  charm  rested  upon  and  filled  his  every 
sense. 

"  The  spirit  of  what  man  is  here  ?"  inquired  he.  A  sepul- 
chral, angry  tone  between  a  groan  and  a  growl,  almost  stopped 
his  breath  with  terror,  and  again  his  strength  departing,  he 
came  near  falling  headlong.  A  striking  anomaly,  by  the  way, 
in  Spiritualism,  as  we  shall  see,  for  according  to  the  orthodox 
creed,  when  the  Spirit  called  after,  is  not  present,  there  can  be 
no  response  —  plainly  an  error,  as  Badger  can  testify  from 
actual  experience. 

Amaziah,  confounded,  bewildered  and  hardly  knowing  what 
he  said,  asked, 

"  Is  the  Spirit  of  any  animal  here  ?" 

Suddenly  was  there  such  a  cackling  of  hens,  crowing  of 
cocks,  gabbling  of  geese,  croaking  of  crows,  hooting  of  owls 
and  screaming  of  buzzards ;  such  a  snarling  of  cats,  barking 
of  dogs,  squealing  of  pigs,  grunting  of  hogs,  howling  of  wolves, 
chattering  of  monkeys,  bellowing  of  bull-frogs  and  braying  of 
donkeys,  as  out-bedlamed  bedlam,  and  made  night  hideous  with 
their  grand  chorus  of  discord. 

Puzzled,  horrified,  stunned,  our  bachelor  involuntarily  waved 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXin    CENTURY.      23 

his  hand  for  them  to  depart.  'Twas  like  a  magic  wand.  All 
was  silence  again.  His  composure  returned. 

A  moment's  calm  reflection  assured  him  that  it  could  be 
none  other  than  some  propitious  Spirit  present,  but  how  to  ap- 
proach it,  was  the  question.  At  length  yielding  to  the  motion 
of  an  inward  impulse,  he  cried  with  the  voice  of  entreaty, 

"  Kind  and  gentle  Spirit,  whose  presence  fills  me  with  de- 
light, favor  thy  servant  with  a  Manifestation,  and  reveal 
thyself  to  him." 

One  mild  solitary  rap  on  the  stove,  vibrated  in  his  ear,  thrill- 
ing every  nerve  with  ecstacy,  like  the  silvery  flow  of  richest 
music  The  water  still  suspended  above  him,  now  gently  glided 
down  his  person.  0,  such  a  baptism  !  It  was  like  being 
perfumed  with  the  oil  of  celestial  roses  !  He  felt  as  if  bathing 
in  the  ocean  and  basking  in  the  sunbeams  of  bliss ! 

Presently,  a  voice  or  the  Manifestation  of  a  voice,  in  ac- 
cents of  enchanting  sweetness,  said  or  seemed  to  say, 

"Listthou!     On  tcoman  concentrate  thy  thoughts, 
On  wronged,  disfranchised  woman ;  and  as  me 
In  this,  thou  dost  obey,  so  will  I  thee 
Glad  tidings  bear  on  morrow's  twilight  eve. 
The  veil,  that's  o'er  the  future  cast,  I'll  draw 
Imparting  unto  thee  prophetic  sight. 
The  mandate  mark — on  woman  fix  thy  thoughts. 
To-morrow  night,  as  now,  we  meet  again — 
Till  then,  thy  lips  and  secret  heart,  I  scan. 
I  am  ao  phantom — heed  me  well — good  night." 

As  the  voice  died  away  on  his  ear,  Badger  found  himself 
snug  in  bed  again,  his  room  at  the  same  time  assuming  its  cus- 


24  LUCYBOSTON. 

ternary  appearance.  The  impression  left  upon  his  mind,  by 
the  occurrences  of  the  last  hour,  was  like  that  of  a  vivid  dream. 
Within  and  without  all  was  quiet  save  the  measured  tick  of 
the  clock. 

The  queen  of  heaven  smiled  on  him  through  the  casement, 
and  the  stars  twinkled  with  their  brightest  lustre,  like  diamonds 
in  the  blue  mantle  of  night.  Nature  herself,  as  if  with  ex- 
hausted energies,  seemed  lulled  to  repose,  and  feeling  the  genial 
influence  stealing  over  him,  Amaziah  sank  into  the  embrace 
of  profound  sleep. 


CHAPTER    III. 

"Holy  St.  Francos!  what  a  change  is  here  I" 

T  IKE  old  Bachelors  in  general,  Amaziah  was  an  inveterate 
_LJ  stickler  for  his  full  quantum  of  systematic,  unmolested  sleep, 
not  only  on  account  of  the  luxury  of  "  snoozing,"  but  reli- 
giously holding  it  to  be  indispensable  in  fitting  one  for  the  active 
duties  of  the  day.  His  dormitory  was  his  sanctum  sanctorum. 
It  was  downright  sacrilege  for  any  mortal  to  intrude  upon  him 
while  paying  his  nightly  devotions  at  the  shrine  of  the  sleepy 
god.  Whenever  by  any  fortuity  he  did  happen  to  be  curtailed 
of  his  usual  amount  of  rest,  which  very  rarely  occurred,  it  was 
said  to  make  him  "out  of  sorts"  for  a  fortnight  afterwards. 

However  this  may  be,  it  was  not  so  in  the  present  instance. 
On  the  contrary  he  arose  even  earlier  than  usual,  refreshed, 
invigorated,  with  step  elastic,  and  spirits  buoyant.  Having 
arranged  his  toilet  with  even  more  than  his  customary  circum- 
spection, midway  his  descent  to  the  breakfast-room,  he  met 
the  chambermaid, — a  native  of  "good  ould  Ireland," — and 
an  extreme  specimen  of  her  class. 

Were  it  required  of  us  to  describe  her  person  in  the  most 
comprehensive  terms,  we  should  say,  she  was  in  height  about 
"  four  feet  two,"  and  her  rotundity  equal  to  her  altitude.  The 
3  25 


26  LUCYBOSTON. 

contour  of  the  picture  is  sufficiently  indicative  of  the  "  filling 
up."  Such,  we  say,  was  her  portrait  drawn  in  fidelity  of  outline, 
and  as  it  had  heretofore  appeared  to  Amaziah.  But  not  so 
now. 

In  form,  feature,  and  expression  she  was  changed  into  a 
being  of  angelic  mould.  Motionless,  for  the  instant,  he  gazed 
with  rapture,  beholding  grace  in  every  motion  and  "  heaven  in 
her  eye."  Never  before,  had  he  seemingly  looked  upon  any 
earthly  object  so  lovely. 

"  Good  morning,  Catharine,"  said  Badger,  and  with  arms 
extended  in  the  ecstacy  of  his  admiration,  he  was  saluting  her 
with  extravagant  compliments  extorted  by  her  beauty,  in  his 
eye,  when  a  voice  from  below  in  emphatic  and  to  him  sweet 
accents,  saluted  his  ears  : 

"  What,  sir,  insulting  my  chambermaid  ?  No  gentleman 
will  take  such  liberties  with  a  servant.  Explain  yourself  if 
you  please,  sir." 

"  I  was  swaping  in  th — the  hall,  ma'm,  and  the  blarney  of  a 
fellow  was  cooming  down  stairs,  ma'm,  and  looked  right  at  me 
with  his  eyes,  he — he  did  ma'm,  and  was  pokin  fun  at  me,  he  was, 
and  I  niver  sed  a  bit  of  a  woord  to  him,  and  he  kipt  cooming 
raght  at  me,  he  did  ma'm,  and  I  was  jist  a  gooing  to  give  the 
oogly  crather  a  poke  on  the  pate  with  ma  broom-stake,  I  was 
ma'm,"  exclaimed  Kate  in  a  spirit  of  "high  dudgeon." 

"By  this  time  the  landlady  —  her  black  eyes  flashing  indig- 
nation—  had  ascended  to  the  landing,  where  Badger  stood 
listening  to  the  impassioned  narrative  of  Catharine,  whose 
"  rich  Irish  brogue,"  had  so  fired  with  tender  passion  his  inmost 
soul. 


. 


. 

• 

FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     27 

"  You  will  find  you  another  boarding  place,  sir.  I  will  hand 
you  your  bill  at  dinner,"  said  Mrs.  Wilson,  and  started  down 
stairs.  — Badger  immediately  following. 

"  An  if  ye  iver  spake  to  me  agin  with  yer  blarney,  by  me 
sowl,  a  divil  a  bit  of  hair  is  it  I'll  lave  in  yer  head,  I  will/' 
cried  Kate  in  a  boisterous  and  threatening  tone,  and  yet  all  this 
excited  within  Badger  naught  but  the  most  pleasing  emotions. 
Never  before  had  he  enjoyed  female  society.  Not  that  he  was 
a  woman  hater.  Far  from  it.  But  like  many  of  his  class, 
having  seen  but  little  of  the  world,  especially  in  the  mingling 
of  the  sexes,  which  added  to  his  natural  "timidity"  he  had 
always  shrank  from  the  gaze  of  the  softer  sex,  as  from  the  glare 
of  a  serpent.  But  how  changed  !  A  new  era  in  his  existence 
now  dawned  upon  him.  His  eyes  and  ears  were  opened  for  the 
first  time,  to  see  and  hear  those  feminine  charms,  to  which  be- 
fore he  had  always  been  both  blind  and  deaf.  This  change 
wrought  upon  him  was  indeed  sudden  and  mysterious,  but  to 
him  none  the  less  real. 

Badger  was  seating  himself  at  the  breakfast-table  when  the 
waiter  made  her  appearance.  How  surpassingly  beautiful  she 
looked  !  True,  her  "  skin  a  sable  color,"  was  of  purely  Ethe- 
opian  dye,  but  to  his  optics  there  was  no  difference  between 
ebony  and  alabaster  in  female  charms,  unless  it  be  that  the 
former  exhibited  a  somewhat  richer  tinge  than  the  latter. 

"  Good  morning,  Dinah,  dear,"  said  Badger,  unable  to  re- 
press the  ardor  of  his  feelings  —  "what  a  stormy  night  we've 
had.  Could  you  sleep  amid  such  lightning  and  thunder  ?  How 
old  are  you,  Dinah  ?  Is  your  father  living  ?  How  many  sisters 
have  you,  Dinah  ?  Did  you  ever  have  a  husband,  Dinah  ?  If 


28  LUCYBOSTON. 

I  were  you,  Dinah,  I  would  never  mar" — .  At  that  instant  Mrs. 
Wilson  entering  the  door  arrested  his  attention.  Some  would 
have  said  she  was  in  a  rage,  yet  not  so  did  he  behold  her.  There 
was  fire  in  her  eye,  but  it  was  the  flame  that  burns  while  it  does 
not  consume;  a  curl  on  her  lip,  but  it  was  the  "  line  of  beauty," 
a  kind  of  spiteful,  steam-like  rapidity  in  her  locomotion,  but 
it  was  the  perfection  of  grace.  At  least  so  it  appeared  to  him. 

"  Has  he  eat  his  breakfast,  Dinah,"  said  she  sweeping  round 
towards  the  head  of  the  table  where  Badger  sat. 

No  misses,  he  talk  so  fas,  me  couldn't  ask  de  gemmen  what 
he  hab,  no  how." 

"  How  fresh  you  are  looking  this  morning,"  said  Amaziah 
to  his  hostess,  at  the  same  time  advancing  towards  her  with 
hands  outstretched  for  a  friendly  greeting,  his  labial  muscles, 
of  their  own  accord,  assuming  the  attitude  for  whistling,  or 
something  else. 

"Husband!  husband!"  cried  she  with  hysteric  shriek, 
though  it  was  music  in  Badger's  ear. 

"  Lor  bress  me,  massa !"  —  vociferated  Dinah,  meeting  Wil- 
son at  the  entrance,  and  throwing  up  her  hands  in  affright, 
"  he  gwine  to  obmit  wiolence  and  sassinate  missus.  Quick, 
massa  Wilson,  quick,  'fore  he  duz  de  dre'ful  deed." 

"  Mercy  !  husband  !  Save  me  from  the  dreadful  creature. 
He's  drunk  or  crazy.  He  insulted  Kate,  in  the  hall,  talked 
love  to  Dinah,  and  then  pitched  straight  at  me.  Nobody's 
safe  with  him  in  the  house." 

"  Yes,  massa,  missus  tell  de  libin  trufe.  Dars  nun  ob  us 
dat  iz'nt  sposed  eb'ry  minute.  Dat  am  most  ser'ous  fac." 

"  Pshaw !  Dinah,  you  and  your  mistress  are  terrible  skit- 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      29 

tish.  Friend  Badger  only  wanted  to  bear  himself  talk  and 
have  a  little  fun,  that's  all.  He  would'nt  harm  a  kitten.  An 
old  bach  —  hard  on  to  fifty  and  never  kissed  a  girl  in  his  life, 
I'll  wager  a  cocktail.  Bah  !  He's  as  harmless  as  a  turtle  dove. 
Glad  if  he  has  at  last  got  pluck  enough  to  speak  to  a  woman.  I 
think  he  ought  to  be  encouraged,  for  his  own  sake  and  the  wo- 
men's too.  He'll  make  some  one  a  model  of  a  husband  yet. 
Won't  you  my  good  fellow?"  at  the  same  time  giving  him  a 
familiar,  playful  slap  on  the  shoulder. 

"  I  hope  he  won't  court  Kate  and  Dinah  all  at  once,"  said 
Mrs.  Wilson,  and  she  swept  out  of  the  room. 

"  Lor  k  mighty,  he  don't  come  round  dis  wench,  nohow,  now 
I  tell  you  dat  ar,"  said  Dinah,  and  away  she  shuffled  in  a  huff. 

"  Come  Badger,"  said  the  landlord,  "  swallow  your  breakfast 
and  take  a  turn  with  me  to  market,  and  we'll  have  one  of  the 
dinners  to-day,"  in  the  mean  time  loading  his  plate.  "  There, 
make  yourself  at  home,  while  I  go  to  the  kitchen  and  see 
what's  wanted.  I  always  consult  Dinah  in  making  up  the 
culinary  programme." 

"  Hold  on,  I'll  go  too,"  said  Badger,    rising  from  his  chair. 

"No  no,  it's  all  well  enough,"  replied  Wilson,  "my  spouse 
was  a  little  nervous  this  morning,  don't  mind  it,  and  its  not 
worth  while  to  apologise  to  a  fdar7cee.'  You  see  Badger,  you 
have  never  studied  the  science  of  woman.  You  hav'nt  been 
initiated.  But  you'll  understand  it  when  you've  been  '  blowed 
up,'  as  often  as  I  have.  You  see  these  Jits  are  a  part  of  the 
female  constitution  —  a  kind  of  chronic,  periodical  neuralgic 
spasm,  and  when  they  come  on,  the  only  way  is  to  keep  still 
and  let  'em  have  'em  out.  Sit  down  and  finish  your  meal. 
3* 


30  LUCY   BOSTON. 

You  will  only  make  the  matter  worse  in  trying  to  mend  it. 
These  fits  are  curious  things  —  and  dangerous  too,  if  not  rightly 
treated.  The  only  cure  is,  kindly  to  let  them  alone.  Its  al- 
ways safest  to  let  'em  pass  off  the  natural  way.  I  can  fetch 
my  wife  too,  easy  enough.  A  new  bonnet  or  a  new  dress  will 
take  the  temper  out  of  any  woman,  for  a  while — at  least  until 
they  are  made  and  worn  once.  You  see,  Badg.,  I'm  a  real 
doctor.  I  can  treat  these  feminine  infirmities  '  like  a  book/  — 
bread-pills  and  sugar-plums  are  the  best  calomel  and  blood-let- 
ting for  these  l fits'  that  woman  'is  heir  to/  as  Shakspeare 
says,  ha-ha-ha.  Do  you  understand  ?  Now  Badg.,  hark  !  — 
take  my  advice,  keep  away  from  the  women.  Never  even  turn 
your  thoughts  on  the  sex,  until  you  have  firmly  resolved  to 
marry. 

"Lecture  first,  by  Prof.  Wilson,  <D.  F./  doctor  of  fits, 
admittance  twenty-five  cents  —  bachelors  half  price,"  said  our 
host  with  a  hearty  laugh,  and  made  his  exit  leaving  Badger 
behind  him. 

Although  entirely  misapprehended,  he  decided  to  adopt  the 
counsel  just  given  him  and  let  things  rest  as  they  were,  trust- 
ing less  in  himself  than  in  his  landlord,  whom  he  held  in  the 
highest  estimation,  as  well  for  the  qualities  of  his  head  as  his 
heart. 

To  be  sure  Wilson  was  not  favored  with  a  liberal  education, 
neither  was  he  covered  with  the  starch  and  polish  of  fashionable 
politeness.  He  did  not  know  at  what  precise  moment  of  the 
day  or  night,  the  bosom  of  fashionable  nobility  would,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  magnanimously  open  its  portals  for  the  recep- 
tion of  visitors,  neither  that  he  must  say  "adieu"  to  his 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XlXin    CENTURY.      31 

"  DEAR  friend,"  after  having  sat  precisely  so  many  minutes 
by  the  dial,  notwithstanding  it  broke  suddenly  off,  an  interesting 
conversation  —  nor  that  his  gloves  must  be  of  a  particular  hue, 
on  particular  days  of  the  year,  and  at  particular  hours  of  the 
morning  and  evening,  and  that  they  must  not  be  worn  a  second 
time,  though  not  in  the  least  soiled.  Neither  could  he  really 
feel  himself  inspired  with  a  deep  and  abiding  attachment  by 
the  inspection  of  a  little  piece  of  polished  paste-board,  handed 
to  his  servant  by  some  gentleman's  coachman,  however  hand- 
somely the  name  might  be  engraved  upon  it.  In  short,  he  was 
not  much  versed  in,  much  less  governed  by  the  Calendar  of 
Fashion,  in  which  is  marked  the  "  times  and  the  seasons," 
with  nice  exactness  of  year,  month,  day,  hour,  minute,  and 
even  second,as  a  directory  to  guide  the  simple  and  govern  the 
wise  in  the  process  of  walking,  riding,  bowing,  speaking,  call- 
ing, smiling,  and  loving,  with  all  the  details  of  form,  size,  color 
texture,  posture,  and  wear  of  apparel  and  equipage. 

Wilson  was  in  all  respects  exactly  the  reverse  of  this  fashion- 
able stamp,  open,  frank,  generous — a  noble  specimen  of  demo- 
cratic humanity.  However  fastidious  Fashion  might  draw  his 
portrait,  he  was  nevertheless  in  heart  and  soul  a  gentleman. 
Satisfied  that  Wilson  was  his  friend,  and  intended  all  for  the 
best,  and  whose  advice  being  not  altogether  inconsistent  with 
the  instructions  of  the  previous  night,  Badger  concluded  to 
repose  confidence  in  him. 

"  What  a  magnificent  morning  !  Such  cool,  pure,  bracing 
air.  What  a  luxury  to  breathe  it,"  said  the  landlord,  as  they 
sallied  forth  on  their  excursion. 

"  Y-e-s,"  replied  Badger  with  indifference. 


32  LUCYBOSTON. 

"I  shall  never  forget  last  night,"  continued  "Wilson.  What 
lightning !  The  atmosphere  seemed  all  on  fire.  And  how  the 
thunder  ripped  and  tore,  as  if  every  thing  was  coming  to  pieces. 
I  almost  began  to  think  that  Millerism  was  true  and  the  end 
of  the  world  had  come.  But  I  believe  all  is  right  side  up  this 
morning.  How  is  it  in  the  third  story ?  All  straight?" 

"  Y-e-s,  b-e-1-i-e-v-e  so." 

"  What  the  devil  ails  you,  old  boy  ?  You  were  chirk  as  a 
lark  before  we  started,  and  now  a  melancholy  "y-e-s" — "y-e-s," 
is  all  that  can  be  got  of  you.  I  was  going  to  introduce  you  to 
one  of  the  handsomest  old  maids  in  the  State,  with  the  hope  of 
getting  up  a  match,  but  I'd  sooner  present  her  a  box  of  icicles, 
than  a  beau  clear  down  in  the  dumps." 

"  Where  does  she  live,"  ejaculated  Badger,  instantly  electri- 
fied. How  far  is  it?  When  shall  we  get  there  ?j"  he  repeated 
with  the  utmost  impatience. 

"  I've  hit  you  at  last,  my  good  fellow,"  said  Wilson  laugh- 
ingly. "Her  domicile  stands  a  short  jaunt  from  the  suburbs. 
Shall  I  escort  you  out  there  to-night  ? 

Badger  made  no  reply. 

"  Come,  what  do  you  say  ?  Shall  I  show  you  up  ?  If  you 
would  get  a  wife,  you  must  approach  in  the  right  way  and 
play  your  game  shrewdly.  Blow  a  welding  heat  and  strike 
when  the  iron  is  hot — that  is,  watch  your  chance  and  take  her 
when  she's  in  the  humor.  Shall  we  go?" 

"  Not  to-day,"  said  Badger,  I'm  engaged.  But  is'nt  there 
some  one  close  by,  I  can  see  now  ? 

"  You  are  in  a  devil  of  a  hurry  all  at  once,"  said  he.  Wak- 
ing up  to  a  sense  of  the  subject,  are  you  ?" 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.     33 

They  were  passing  through  the  principal  street,  and  at  that 
hour  in  the  morning  when  merchants,  artisans,  and  others  make 
the  customary  out-door  display  of  their  various  wares.  Just 
before  them,  a  milliner  and  mantua-maker's  sign  (in  the  shape  of 
a  woman,  familiar  to  the  reader),  of  faultless  proportions  and 
clad  in  richest  costume,  was  advancing  by  the  aid  of  a  clerk, 
to  her  position  near  the  door,  for  the  purpose  of  enticing  the 
simple  and  unwary  ones  out  of  the  way,  leading  them  to  enter 
one  of  those  "  institutions,"  where  so  many  women  graduate, 
and  come  forth  clothed  with  beauty,  to  dazzle  and  captivate 
mankind  with  their  acquired  charms. 

The  moment  Badger's  eye  caught  the  voluptuous  form  of 
the  feminine  sign— was  it  monomania,  or  imagination,  or  because 
he  was  a  "  woman's  rights  "  Medium,  or  what  ?  —  his  soul  was 
instantaneously  inflamed  with  the  "  tender  passion,"  and  his 
senses  taken  captive  by  a  delirium  of  bliss. 

"  There  she  is,  there  she  is,"  cried  the  ardent  lover,  springing 
forward  to  meet  her,  and,  thrusting  aside  the  lad  who  seemed 
to  be  laying  violent  hands  upon  her,  the  figure,  jostled  from 
its  balance,  fell  headlong  to  the  side-walk. 

"  Dearest  madam,"  exclaimed  he,  bending  over  the  prostrate 
image,  how  glad  I  am  to  see  you.  Are  you  hurt  ?  Let  me 
help  you  up." 

But  she  made  no  reply,  and  taking  it  that  silence  gave  con- 
sent, quickly  clasping  her  about  the  waist  —  heavens,  what  a 
sensation! — with  no  great  effort  he  restored  her  to  her  feet 
again,  not  only  gratified  with  his  exploit  of  gallantry,  but  as- 
tonished that  she  was  so  light. 

"  Did  it  injure  you,  dearest  madam,"  continued  he  with 


34  LUCY    BOSTON. 

anxiety.  "  Where  would  you  like  to  go  ?  May  I  be  so  happy 
as  to  see  you  home  ?  —  You  know  me  don't  you  ?"  Earnestly 
and  affectionately  he  repeated  his  questions,  but  could  obtain 
no  answer. 

While  thus  paying  his  unfortunate  addresses  to  the  dear 
thing,  suddenly  rushed  out  the  mistress  of  the  establishment, 
and  snatching  the  sweet  idol  from  his  embrace,  exclaimed, 

"  You  scoundrel !  What  are  you  doing  ?  You'll  pay  for 
this,  sir,"  and  drew  her  rescued  prize  within  doors. 

"  0  certainly,  certainly,  send  for  the  doctor — make  haste  — 
quick,  I'll  foot  the  bill,"  said  Arnaziah  following  hard  after  the 
object  of  his  adoration. 

Thinking  she  had  but  swooned,  he  seized  a  bucket  of  water, 
accidentally  standing  near,  and  in  the  heat  and  hurry  of  his 
excitement,  dashed  the  contents  into  her  face  ! 

"  That'll  fetch  her  too,  if  she's  only  fainted,"  cried  he.  "  But 
ain't  she  hurt,  that  she  can't  speak  ?  Let  me  feel  of  her  pulse 
and  look  into  her  eyes,"  continued  the  lover  searching  for  her 
wrist  and  peering  under  her  bonnet. 

The  shop-girls,  to  the  number  of  half  a  dozen,  in  feminine 
affright,  screamed,  jumped,  and  ran  in  various  directions,  over- 
turning stools  and  stands,  and  scattering  and  trailing  laces, 
silks  and  muslins  over  the  floor. 

"  He's  drunk,"  cried  'one. 

«  He's  crazy,"  —another. 

"  Mercy !  0,  dear  !  murder !"  screamed  the  rest.  He's  a 
villain  and  a  vagabond  vociferated  the  milliner,  her  lips  pale 
and  voice  tremulous  with  anger,  as  she  shook  her  withered  fist 
and  her  black  orbs  flashed  fire  through  her  Spectacles,  at  him. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIX  TH    CENTUKY.      35 

"  Tell  me  your  name,  sir,"  demanded  she. 

"  Amaziah  Badger,"  he  gravely  answered. 

"  I'll  institute  a  suit  forthwith,  sir,  and  walk  you  before  a 
magistrate,  /will  teach  you  to  lay  your  hands  on  the  property 
of  a  defenseless  woman,  in  a  manner  you'll  remember.  I  give 
you  timely  notice  of  that,  sir." 

"  0  wait,  don't  be  too  fast,"  said  he,  "  and  if  she  doesn't  come 
too  pretty  soon,  instead  of  walking  to  the  magistrates,  I'll  just 
send  for  the  Parson.  I'd  rather,  a  great  deal,  have  a  Priest 
than  a  Justice, — hadn't  you,  my  dear  Miss  Milliner?" 

"  What  do  you  mean,  sir,  by  such  language  ?" 

"I  mean,  if  this  dear  idol  here,  should'nt  revive  in  the 
course  of  an  hour,  then  I  will  take  your  dear  self  to  be  my 
lawful,  wedded  wife." 

"  You  impudent  rascal !  I  won't  be  so  insulted.  It's  enough 
to  have  my  goods  destroyed.  Sir,  pay  me  for  that  dress,  and 
shawl,  and  bonnet,"  demanded  she,  pointing  to  the  sign  which 
stood  encircled  and  supported  by  the  arms  of  the  addled 
amoroso. 

"  I  say,  pay  me  for  that  dress,  and  bonnet,  and  shawl." 

"What!"  said  he,  "has  she  got  your  clothes  on?  How 
beautiful  they  are !  She  borrowed  them  on  purpose  to  see  me 
with,  didn't  she  ?  0  how  much  she  did  adore  her  Ainaziah  ! 
And  now  the  dear  creature  is  speechless,  and  can't  say  a  word. 
0  heavens  !  And  she  is  stiff  too  !  Only  see!  you  can't  bend 
her  a  bit !  0  dear  she  will  never  meet  me  again  —  never  think 
of  me  again  —  never  speak  to  me  again."  And  dropping  his 
head  upon  her  shoulder,  he  burst  into  tears,  while  with  loud 
wailing  and  lamentation  he  pressed  the  lifeless  form  to  his 


36  LUCYBOSTON. 

bosom.     "  She  ain't  dead  neither,  for  only  see  !  how  she  sweats ! 

0  miracle !  miracle !"   he  ejaculated,   exulting  and  laughing 
aloud  through  his  tears. 

"Sweats!  miracle!  you  fool!"  exclaimed  Wilson,  who  silently 
waiting,  had  abundantly  enjoyed  the  scene.  "  What  the  devil 
are  you  about  here  ?  Hugging  a  woman  of  straw  and  cotton, 
and  can't  tell  perspiration  on  a  human  face  from  cold  water  on 
a  block  I" 

11  W-h-a-t  ?"  said  Badger  with  a  broad  stare.  "  Well,  that's 
news  anyhow,  that  women  are  made  of  such  stuff  as  straw  and 
cotton,  and  wear  their  bonnets  on  a  block  !" 

"  0  that's  not  the  case  with  'em  all,"  said  Wilson.  "  Just 
come  with  me,  and  I  will  show  you  one  who  will  make  you 

1  sweat,'  old  fellow,  and  that  without  a  '  miracle/  too."     Then 
turning  to  the  milliner  who  had  retreated  towards  the  back 
part  of  the  room,  evidently  concluding  that  Badger  was  a  luna- 
tic escaped  from  the  asylum,  he  said  to  her, 

"I'll  see  this  all  made  right,  Mrs.  Jones,"  and  taking  Badger 
by  the  arm,  drew  him  to  the  door,  amid  a  crowd  of  men  and 
boys,  attracted  thither  by  the  scene,  and  who  probably  would 
have  "  hustled  him  out,"  had  it  not  been  for  the  protection  of 
his  friend  Wilson,  who  was  a  sort  of  acknowledged  prince 
among  the  people.  As  it  was,  they  passed  without  being  the 
least  molested.  The  only  noticeable  demonstration,  was  a  sly 
chuckling  and  elbowing,  with  the  interchange  of  certain  sig- 
nificant looks  at  Badger's  expense,  although  there  was  discov- 
erable something  also  which  seemed  to  say,  "  that's  a  rich  joke 
on  old  maid  Jones."  The  reluctance  of  our  at-first-sight  lover, 
to  leave  the  object  of  bis  adoration,  though  for  the  moment 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      37 

unyielding  was  overcome  by  the  revelation  and  promise  made 
by  Wilson;  yet  as  they  proceeded,  Amaziah  falling  into  an  ab- 
stracted mood  could  not  help  repeating  to  himself, 

"  Straw  and  cotton — S-t-r-a-w — a-n-d — c-o-t-t-o-n.  I  always 
thought  they  were  all  real  flesh  and  blood.  But  I  can  tell  now, 
when  I  see,  a  lona  fide,  flesh  and  blood  woman,-t/  she 
sweats." 

"  Come  Badg.,  what  the  deuce  ails  you?  You've  soliloquized 
long  enough.  Now  shorten  that  long  phiz  of  yours  and  talk 
with  me  awhile.  Shall  we  take  a  turn  out  of  town  this  after- 
noon and  call  on  that  pretty  little  spinster  ?  What  say  you, 
my  boy?" 

"  Does  she  sweat?" 

tl  Yes,  she's  one  of  the  genuine  sort." 

"  And  does  she  wear  her  bonnet  on  a  UocJt,  ?" 

"  Brains  enough  for  you  old  fellow  — a  real  head  brim  full 
of  'em." 

The  introduction  of  this  topic  aroused  our  absent-minded 
bachelor  again,  and  promenading  arm  in  arm  up  and  down 
divers  streets,  they  at  length  reached  the  market,  whither 
Fame,  swift-footed  as  usual,  having  preceded  them,  and  a  group 
being  assembled  with  Athenian  curiosity,  a  lengthy  discussion 
ensued  relative  to  the  love  scene  and  various  other  questions. 

The  day  had  so  far  advanced  that  a  man's  shadow  did  not 
indicate  his  height.  Badger's  breakfast  having  been  almost  a 
"fast"  and  the  excitement  of  his  adventure  naturally  produ- 
cing exhaustion,  he  began  to  have  a  realizing  sense  that  his 
landlord's  promised  dinner  would  be  exceedingly  palatable. 

Like  a  couple  of  lads,  sent  of  an  errand,  and  at  last  aware  of 
4 


38  LUCY    BOSTON. 

their  tardiness  in  playing  by  the  way,  they  made  all  speed 
homeward. 

Ascending  to  his  room,  Amaziah  found  upon  his  table  seve- 
ral letters  from  esteemed  friends.  The  seals  were  scarcely 
broken  when  dinner  was  announced. 

Sensible  of  a  more  "aching  void"  in  his  natural  than  social 
stomach,  the  call  was  promptly  obeyed,  and  having  demonstra- 
ted his  full  appreciation  of  the  good  things. of  Providence,  and 
Dinah's  Jcitchenary  skill,  he  returned  to  devour  and  digest  the 
contents  of  his  epistles. 

A  feeling  akin  to  ennui,  gradually  oppressing  him,  he  kept 
his  room  with  closed  doors,  his  thoughts,  meanwhile,  alternat- 
ing between  the  scenes  of  the  morning  and  his  engagement 
with  the  mysterious  visitor  for  the  approaching  evening. 

Elongating  himself  upon  the  settee,  in  a  sort  of  drowsy  con- 
sciousness, betwixt  reflection  and  anticipation,  disappointment 
and  hope,  the  hours  rolled  lazily  away. 

As  night  approached,  anxiety  aroused  him,  and  he  was  wide 
awake.  Curiosity  and  expectation  were  on  tip-toe.  Scarcely 
could  he  keep  from  forcing  the  clock  forward,  impelling  the 
wheels  of  time  to  accelerate  their  speed.  At  length  gray  twi- 
light came  and  with  it  he  retired. 


CHAPTER    IV.     • 

Thou  remember'st 
Since  once  I  sat  upon  a  j-romontory, 
And  heard  a  mermaid  on  n  dolphin's  back, 
Uttering  such  dulcet  and  harmonious  breath, 
That  the  rude  sea  grew  civil  at  her  song : 
And  certain  stars  shot  madly  from  their  spheres, 
To  hear  the  sea-maid's  music." 

THE  "  King  of  Day,"  in  regal  splendor,  as  if  wearied  in  his 
journey,  had  sunk  to  rest  in  his  couch  of  gold;  while  the 
Queen  of  Night,  in  the  absence  of  her  lord  —  assuming  the 
right  so  generally  claimed  by  ladies  of  fashion  when  their 
dear  (?)  husbands  are  away  or  snugly  in  bed,  good,  kind  souls 
—  issued  from  her  eastern  chamber  of  the  palace,  arrayed  in 
robes  of  light,  with  cheek  of  blushing  beauty — that  crowning 
charm  of  woman's  charms  —  and  with  queenly  grace  glided 
over  the  azure  pavement  in  her  evening  promenade,  and,  a  la 
belle,  attended  by  a  host  of  satellites,  some  conspicuous  by 
their  brilliancy,  others  obscure  if  not  lost  in  their  insignificance. 

The  laborer  had  ceased  his  toil  and  sought  repose.  Terres- 
trial Nature,  as  if  fatigued,  seemed  gently  dropping  into  sleep 
to  restore  her  exhausted  energies.  The  hours  advanced  and 
all  was  still. 

Badger,  awake  and  wakeful,  stretched  upon  his  lonely  bed, 

(39) 


40  LUCY    BOSTON. 

awaited  the  arrival  of  his  mystic  and  heretofore  aerial 
visitant. 

Lying  in  a  state  of  nervous  impatience,  not  unlike  a  super- 
stitious child  peeping  from  under  the  coverlet,  with  every  mus- 
cle set,  to  steal  a  glimpse  of  the  marvellous  Santa  Glaus,  his 
anxiety  increased  to  a  pitch  of  intensity  absolutely  painful.  At 
length  he  found  relief.  Punctual  to  appointment  before  his  as- 
tonished gaze  she  stood,  whom  human  language  cannot  describe, 
neither  pencil  draw,  nor  imagination  the  most  vivid  portray. 

Badger  had  often  met  with  ladies  decked  and  bedizzened 
with  all  that  money  could  obtain  of  the  ornaments  of  a  won- 
derfully ornamental  age,  but  there  was  sure  to  be  some  draw- 
back, some  "  fly  in  the  ointment,"  that  displeased  him  j  a 
wrinkled  or  wry  face,  an  unnatural  color  and  expression,  some 
native  or  artificial  deformity,  a  thing — whether  or  not  they 
could  remedy — always  repulsive  to  his  plain,  unartificial 
feelings. 

But  not  so  she,  whom  he  now  beheld,  she; — 

"  So  lovely  fair, 

That  what  seem'd  fair  in  all  the  world,  seemed  now 
Mean,  or  in  her  summ'd  up." 

The  reader  naturally  feels  a  curiosity  to  know  something  of 
her  exact  appearance.  That  is  impossible  without  actual  per- 
sonal observation.  But  were  we  to  attempt  her  description,  we 
could  only  say,  in  most  general  terms,  that  she  was  neither  too 
large  nor  too  small,  and  of  perfect  form  and  feature.  In  her 
contour  were  no  sharp  points,  nothing  in  the  least  degree  an- 
gular or  stiff,  but  every  line  throughout  was  the  graceful  curve 
and  voluptuous  swell  of  beauty.  Her  eyes  were  rolling  dia- 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXxn    CENTURY.     41 

monds,  luminous  with  sparkling,  yet  mellow  light  of  superior 
intelligence,  penetrating  the  inmost  soul  of  the  beholder  with 
awe  and  admiration. 

Her  complexion,  like  living  alabaster  kissed  by  the  breath  of 
morn,  was  suffused — not  painted — as  with  the  blush  of  roses. 
Her  teeth  were  comely  rows  of  whitest  pearl.  Her  hair,  the 
color  of  her  eyes,  rich  and  glossy  as  the  raven's  wing,  and  fall- 
ing in  graceful,  flowing  curls  about  her  person,  swept  the 
ground.  In  forming  his  first  impression,  as  was  his  habit  when 
meeting  a  stranger  lady,  he  cast  an  involuntary  glance  at  her 
feet,  but  they  were  modestly  concealed  by  the  drapery  of  her 
costume,  the  exterior  of  which  consisted  of  a  simple,  but  ample 
robe  of  ethereal  texture  and  lightness  —  untrimmed  with  gimp, 
ruffles  or  flounces.  Her  ungloved  fingers  were  not  loaded  with 
rings,  nor  her  ears  elongated  with  pendants,  nor  her  bosom  set 
with  mosaic.  In  short,  she  was  destitute  of  jewels,  and  though 
on  this  account  in  shocking  bad  taste,  according  to  the  modern 
code,  yet  in  point  of  personal  beauty  she  surpassed,  if  possible, 
the  fabled  -JVenus  herself. 

Motionless  and  dumb  under  the  power  of  her  enchantment, 
our  bachelor  was  revolving  in  his  mind  whether  what  he  saw 
was  reality,  an  apparition,  or  a  dream  —  when  extending  her 
arm,  and  pointing  at  him  with  her  finger,  in  a  clear,  command- 
ing tone  of  silvery  smoothness  and  thrilling  power,  she  ad- 
dressed him  thus : 

"Give  ear,  0  man!  believe  and  heed  me  well: 
As  'woman  hater,  prince  and  chief,  art  thou 
Selected  from  thy  race,  to  hear  from  me 
Of  what  is  past,  and  things  of  coming  time 

4* 


42  LUCY     BOSTON. 

Revealed  —  and  me,  as  thou  believ'st,  so  others  thee. 

Then  silent  hear,  and  hearing  understand. 

I  am  the  Spirit  of  a  Mermaid,  not 

The  fabled  monster,  false  and  ingrate  man 

Hath  made  me  —  born,  and  following  my  birth, 

A  habitant  of  Fancy's  shadowy  realm, 

But  substance  —  immaterial,  yet  substance; 

An  entity  no  less,  although  from  eyes 

Of  gross  terrestrial  Sense  concealed  have  been, 

Because  of  my  etherial  essence  pure, 

And  deep  disgust  of  loathsome  man  abhorr'd. 

With  Time's  primeval  morning  I  began, 

The  first  of  human  kind  begot,  and  through 

Succeeding  ages  of  unnumbered  years 

In  ocean  depths  have  made  my  home, 

Sole  mistress,  seated  on  my  coral  throne, 

Unruled  by  tyrant  man,  by  him  unharmed, 

The  type  and  earnest  of  that  great  event, 

The  full  emancipation  of  my  sex, 

To  be  no  more  enslaved  and  crushed  by  him 

Who  falsely  styles  himself  'CREATION'S  LORD.' 

A  mer-nirtfl,  for  companionship  to  me 

Was  proffered ;  but  I  spurned  the  dang'rous  gift, 

The  future  evil  seeing,  as  I  did, 

By  the  intuitive  foreknowledge  clear 

Of  my  superior  nature.  —  Man  himself 

I  knew,  full  well  I  knew  him,  what  his  source ; 

His  disposition  what,  and  its  results. 

I  saw  and  felt,  as  portion  of  myself, 

The  destiny  of  woman  —  enslaved  by  him 

Whose  mistress  she  was  made  to  be  —  how  she 

Of  finer  texture  wrought,  and  higher  mould, 

Would  yet  by  stratagem  and  force  be  made 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     43 

To  own  herself  to  be  —  what  she  was  not  — 

The  'weaker  vessel'  —  Yes,  a  hulk — a  thing! 

0  man,  to  me,  invisible  and  unknown, 

Think  not  thyself  to  be,  because  myself 

Unseen  by  thee,  am  in  thy  books  writ  down 

A  myth,  a  visionary  genus,  hatched 

And  nurtured  in  prolific  Fancy's  brain. 

A  skeptic  art  thou  still — like  all  thy  race  ? 

Then,  hark !  is  empty  ghost,  or  phantom  vain, 

In  truth,  endowed  with  sense,  perception,  thought  ? 

Whence  then  the  plainly  manifested  pow'r 

Of  yester  eve,  the  voice  thou  hearest  now, 

And  sense  of  actual  things  which  I  can  tell  ? 

'Tis  granted  then,  if  I  describe  in  speech, 

What  real  is,  so  I  am  real  too. 

No  easier  proof  I  ask,  for,  prithee,  mark ! 

Have  I  not  seen  the  sailor,  tempest  tossed, 

Ride  lordly  on  the  surging  sea,  and  in 

The  face  of  angry,  howling  tempest  laugh  ? 

And  on  his  haughty  brow  did  I  not  read 

Inscribed,  'in  man  alone  such  courage  dwells!' 

Have  I  not  seen,  contending,  hostile  fleets 

Enwrapped  with  flame  and  smoke,  their  decks  submerged 

In  blood !  in  human  blood !  and  shed  for  what  ? 

To  glut  the  hellish  pride  and  hate  of  man. 

Have  I  not  seen  the  pirate,  stealthy  fiend, 

With  heart  of  steel,  his  trade  of  death  pursue, 

And  hear  the  helpless  victims  of  his  fell 

Attack  surviving,  send  up  piteous  cries, 

With  sound  discordant  mixed  of  fetters  harsh, 

And  clanking  chains,  and  crack  of  bloody  whip, 

Rich  music  making  in  th'  oppressor's  ears  ? 

And  on  the  Alpine  wave,  uplifted  high, 


44  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Have  I  not  seen  and  heard  embattled  hosts, 

Earth  trembling  'neath  the  tread  of  their  proud  march, 

And  in  their  track  nought  left  behind 

But  desolation  vast  of  fire  and  sword? 

To  all  of  this  have  I  not  witness  been  ? 

And  more,  ad  infinitum  more,  whereof, 

Were  it  the  present  aim  of  my  intent 

I  could  relate.     But  well  may  this  suffice 

To  prove  I  am  no  apparition  vain, 

Of  brain  diseased,  nor  fancy's  idle  dream ; 

But  what  I  claim  myself  to  be,  as  here 

I  stand,  in  presence  of  thy  senses  sane, 

For  tally  not  my  words  thus  far  with  truth  ? 

And  how  could  I  of  things  converse,  if  not 

With  them  conversant?     But  enough  —  'tis  plain 

That  I  am  I,  as  true,  as  thou  art  thou. 

So  here  I  rest  my  claim  to  thy  regard. 

Thou  hast  been  always  taught  and  thus  believed, 

That  'God-like  Man,'  created  first  and  best, 

On  earth  has  ever  reigned  supreme,  and  will 

Throughout  all  time  —  the  universal  head. 

While  Woman,  formed  of  coareer  clay,  the  feet 

Of  all  has  been,  and  is  to  be,  because 

The  All-wise  Maker  of  them  both,  designed 

It  thus  —  and  nought  his  stern  degree  can  change. 

But  canst  thou,  in  thy  reason,  tell  me  when 

And  where  He  so  ordained,  or  answer,  why 

In  Eden,  haughty  Adam  seized  the  reins 

Of  power,  and  made  his  wife,  fair  Eve,  a  slave, 

And  doomed  her  daughters,  fair  as  she,  to  bow 

Beneath  the  yoke,  submissive  to  the  sons, 

Taught  by  their  sire  in  his  own  steps  to  walk  ? 

I  tell  thee  from  the  Spirit-Land,  where  all 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      45 

That's  true  or  false,  appears  in  light  —  Adam 
Usurped  dominion ;  foolish  Eve  obeyed, 
And  thus  the  course  of  female  servitude 
Began.     Alas!  alas!  the  bitter  fruit 
And  sad,  of  one  concession,  blindly  made 
By  woman,  ere  her  native  strength  she  knew. 
Why,  why,  sir,  may  not  woman  sway  the  world  ? 
If  thou  canst  tell  me,  speak,  and  I  will  hear, 
Or  otherwise  forbear  thy  speech.  —  Tongue-tied  ? 
Well  may'st  thou  be,  nor  dare  to  vindicate 
Thy  rule,  obtained  and  kept  by  fraud  and  force. 
Enough !     Main  object  of  my  mission  here 
Is  not  to  reason,  but  to  prophesy; 
Unfolding  to  thy  view  the  Spirit- World, 
And  through  the  Medium  of  that  higher  sphere, 
To  thee  reveal  what  soon  shall  come  to  pass, 
And  fix  the  coming  destiny  of  earth.  , 

When  spirits  leave  this  world,  female  and  male 
They  mingle  still  —  but  in  their  state  reversed. 
There  woman  holds  the  sceptre,  man  obeys. 
She  by  her  own  inherent  right,  and  he 
By  this  one  universal  law  on  all 
Things  stamped,  create  and  uncreate,  in  earth 
And  Heaven —  'the  greater  shall  the  less  control.' 
And  as  he  grows  in  virtue,  knowledge,  love, 
To  higher  rank  and  purer  sphere  ascends, 
Promoted  by  his  queenly  sovereign.     Thus 
Progressing  in  the  upward  scale,  till  such 
A  measure  of  perfection  gained,  as  makes 
It  meet,  him  we  allow  to  visit  earth 
Again,  but  in  his  mission  circumscribed 
By  us,  in  narrow  range  of  liberty, 


46  LUCY   BOSTON. 

As  we  by  him,  ere  Spirits  we  became, 
(In  outraged  woman's  name,  not  mine,  I  speak,) 
And  our  own  right  of  supreme  rule  assumed, 
Which,  mark  it,  sir,  we  never  will  resign, 
For  well  we  know  our  native,  rightful  pow'r, 
And  how  to  use  it  we  have  learned  as  well. 
Now,  hear  this  prophecy,  and  write  it  deep 
Upon  the  tablet  of  thy  memory. 

On  earth,  ere  thy  remaining  sands  are  run, 
Shall  man  to  his  own  proper  level  fall, 
And  woman  rise,  her  place  to  take  and  rule 
As  he  has  ruled,  he  serving  her  henceforth, 
As  hitherto  she  him,  in  slavish  fear 
And  bondage  bound,  in  chains  he  cannot  break, 
And  hence  is  doomed  to  wear,  though  chafed  and  galFd 
Beneath  the  iron  sinking  in  his  flesh 
And  eating  to  the  very  bone,  and  when 
Imploring  royal  woman,  to  restore 
The  'rights  of  man,'  for  answer  this  receive, 
'  Remember  woman's  wrongs;'  and  if  thou  dare 
Thy  cause  maintain,  thy  freedom  to  demand, 
With  lip  of  scorn,  or  flatt'ring  tongue  that  stings, 
Be  coolly  told  '  man's  weakness  is  his  pow'r.' 
Incredulpus  ?     Nay,  flatter  not  thyself, 
Because  the  proud  usurper's  dynasty 
Can  boast  a  hoary  age,  therefore  it  can 
Defiance  bid  to  change,  and  stand  secure 
Against  all  hostile  force  till  time  shall  end. 
Thus  might  it  be,  were  abject  woman  left 
In  ignorance  profound,  the  yoke  to  wear 
Unconscious  quite  of  freedom's  priceless  boon. 
But  such,  be  thanks,  is  not  her  hapless  lot — 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.     47 

From  foreign  source,  behold,  deliverance  comes  — 

The  growing  degradation  of  our  sex, 

Beneath  oppression's  heel  of  iron  crushed, 

From  age  to  age  with  spirit  eyes  we  view'd, 

And  with  increasing  years  our  sympathies 

Increased,  until  with  indignation  all 

Ablaze,  on  intervention,  we  resolved, 

To  set  our  long  imprisoned  sisters  free 

And  righteous  vengeance  on  their  foe  to  take. 

All  female  spiritdoin  the  crusade  joined, 
And  though  the  Seven-Spheres,  with  sev'n  high  walls, 
And  thick  as  high,  of  adamant  upreared, 
Concentric,  hem'd  and  hedged  us  round,  't  was  vain. 
As  soon  might  mountains  intercept  the  day, 
A  spider's  web  the  tempest  bind,  or  fogs 
Dam  up  Niagara,  for  every  nerve 
And  muscle  of  our  spirit  power,  surcharged, 
And  to  the  last  degree  of  tension  strained 
By  supernatural  energy,  and  moved 
With  concentrated  strength  of  purpose  fixed, 
Till  irrepressible,  our  will,  like  spark 
Electric  touched  the  living  magazine. 
The  firm  celestial  hills  did  rock,  convulsed, 
As  part,  broke  through  the  massive  gates, 
And  part,  the  lofty  ramparts  scaled, 
And  all  our  myriad  hosts  rushed  down 
A  swift  avenging  avalanche 
To  earth  —  and  hence  the  origin 
Of  spiritual  intercourse  with  men.  — 
With  prudent  secresy  and  wise  forecast, 
Our  sentinels  were  placed,  and  spies  sent  forth 
To  reconnoitre,  ere  the  blow  we  strike. 


48  LUCYBOSTON. 

Disguised  they  went,  and  first  in  Rochester, 

By  stratagem,  the  cunning  "Foxes"  gained 

A  stealthy  entrance  to  the  hostile  camp, 

Where  by  their  mystic  arts  the  way  prepared  — 

And  now,  all  things  for  conquest  ripe,  I  come 

To  preach  rebellion  —  mutiny  to  raise 

And  every  where  excite  the  holy  war.  — 

Our  eager  troops  do  but  the  signal  wait, 

Then  break  we  forth  like  rolling  mountain  waves, 

Resistless  in  our  mighty  onward  sweep 

Till  rescued  be  from  plund'ring  infidel 

Our  sweet  and  sacred  shrine  of  Liberty.  — 

'Tis  done  —  the  fire-brand  of  strife  I  hurl, 

Which  quickly  kindling  at  my  breath,  doth  raise 

A  conflagration  man  can  never  quench. 

The  day  of  glory  dawns,  the  golden  age 

Too  long  delayed,  but  hasting  on  apace, 

The  brightest  page  in  all  the  Book  of  Time. 

No  more  in  kitchen  or  in  nurs'ry  caged, 

But  in  the  chair  of  state  we  '11  proudly  sit, 

And  then,  0  man,  in  petticoats  adorned, 

And  in  the  vacant  offices  installed 

Of  steward,  wet-nurse,  chamber-maid,  combined, 

Shall  learn  to  cook,  and  scrub,  and  cradle  rock ; 

And  while  in  legislative  hall  our  voice 

In  counsel  and  in  high  debate  is  heard, 

At  home,  shalt  thou  the  day  and  night  employ, 

With  trotting  of  thy  foot,  and  song  of  'lullaby.'' 

In  fine,  'tis  settled,  man  shall  leave  the  'box,' 

We  mounting  up,  will  take  the  reigns  and  drive. 

What  now  thou  hearest,  thou  art  doomed  to  feel. 

Awake  and  watch !    Behold!    Believe!    Adieu!" 


FOLLIES  OF  THE  XIXTH  CENTURY.       49 

Thus  the  Spirit  spoke  and  vanished.  Never  before  did  elo- 
quence so  hold  and  charm  a  listener.  Wrapped  in  unaccount- 
able composure,  and  hanging  with  such  rapture  upon  her 
gpeech,  he  took  no  note  of  time.  The  interview  seemed  to  him 
but  a  passing  moment  as  he  gently  sank  into  sleep's  embrace. 


CHAPTER   V. 

"  Those  hearts  that  start  at  once  into  a  blaze, 
And  open  all  their  rage,  like  summer  storms 
At  once  discharged,  grow  cool  again  and  calm." 

AMAZIAH  awoke  with  the  peep  of  day,  and  with  the  sun, 
started  forth  fresh  as  the  morning.  Strange  to  say  his 
slumbers  had  been  profound.  These  nocturnal  visitations  from 
church-yards  and  dream-land  are  sufficient  to  banish  sleep, 
making  one  feel  feverish  and  dull,  if  they  do  not  furnish  a 
liberal  instalment  of  sore  eyes  and  headache.  But  not  so  in 
this  instance.  Never  did  our  bachelor  friend  rise  more  invigo- 
rated or  in  better  spirits.  Opening  the  window,  he  drank  the 
bracing  air,  surveyed  the  landscape  and  thought  upon  the  pro- 
phecy, till  the  bell  summoned  him  to  breakfast,  which  he  an- 
swered with  a  nimble  step  and  a  good  appetite. 

On  entering  the  dining-room  his  landlady,  who  from  some 
cause  had  become  appeased,  saluted  him  with, 

"  Good  morning,  sir.  You  will  take  this  seat,"  pointing  to 
a  chair  in  her  own  vicinity. 

Somehow  this  struck  him  as  a  peremptory  command,  and 
which  ordinarily  must  have  grated  harshly  on  his  feelings,  but 
under  the  pressure  of  a  secret  constraint,  he  cheerfully  obeyed. 

"  Friend  Badger,  shall  I  serve  you  with  a  bit  of  our  choice 

(50) 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      51 

beef-steak  ?"  said  Wilson,  entering  the  room  and  approaching 
the  table. 

"  I've  ordered  it,"  said  Mrs.  Wilson.  "  You  may  as  well 
breakfast  now." 

At  that  instant  the  bell  of  the  milkman  was  heard  in  the 
street. 

"  Step  to  the  door  and  tell  him  to  send  in  six  quarts,  it  is 
baking-day,"  was  the  landlady's  mandate  to  her  husband. 

Upon  an  ordinary  observer  this  colloquy  would  have  produced 
no  very  particular  impression,  but  to  Badger,  who  listened  with 
fixed  attention,  the  words  had  special  significancy  and  mani- 
festly pointed  towards  the  fulfillment  of  the  prophecy.  It  was 
plain  to  his  observation,  that  his  landlady  was  already  to  all 
intents  and  purposes,  "  mistress  of  the  mansion."  She  gave 
orders;  others  obeyed. 

Now  many  would  set  Mrs.  Wilson  down  for  a  vixen.  A 
great  mistake,  as  we  can  demonstrate. 

Among  others,  according  to  the  doctrine  of  Spiritualism,  there 
are  Impressible  and  Involuntary  Mediums.  That  is  to  say,  as  v 
Satan  used  the  Serpent,  in  like  manner  the  spirits  impress  in- 
dividuals into  their  service,  infusing  thoughts  into  the  mind 
and  touching  the  secret  springs  of  volition,  so  that  this  kind  of 
Mediums  are  unwittingly  the  machines  by  and  through  which 
spiritual  agents  operate  in  the  accomplishment  of  their  purposes 
in  this  terraqueous  sphere. 

Such  was  Mrs.  Wilson,  who  among  a  multitude  of  others, 
was  made  a  kind  of  forerunner  of  universal  female  do- 
minion. 

"The  milkman  says  he  can't  spare  you  so  much  without 


52  LUCYBOSTON. 

disappointing  some  of  his  customers,"  reported  Wilson,  re- 
entering  the  room. 

"  Tell  him  if  I  can't  have  what  milk  I  want,  I'll  order  it 
from  somewhere  else/'  replied  his  medium  spouse.  You  knew 
it  was  baking-day,  and  why  didn't  you  direct  him  to  fetch  an 
extra  quantity  this  morning.  The  blockhead  might  have  known 
himself  'twas  my  baking-day." 

No  one  adminstering  fuel,  the  fire  would  naturally  have  died 
out,  but  a  Mrs.  Caudle  Spirit  giving  her  a  nudge  at  the  elbow 
to  "  go  ahead,"  her  tongue  ran  on. 

"  A  man  never  will  learn  nothing  anyway  only  to  make  poor 
woman  slave  herself  to  death  for  him.  I  wish  you  had  to  do 
the  baking  and  then  see  how  you'd  get  along  without  milk. 
There's  never  nothing  done  if  I  don't  see  to  it  myself.  I'd  like 
to  see  a  man  take  charge  of  a  boarding-house,  a  spell.  Every- 
body would  starve  to  death." 

Not  a  word  escaped  Badger's  ears.  To  him  each  syllable 
was  full  of  meaning,  and  he  carefully  registered  them  in  his 
memory. 

"  I  wish  you  had  to  do  the  baking." 

Hearing  this,  he  was  on  the  point  of  imparting  to  her  the 
pleasing  intelligence  that  she  was  destined  soon  to  have  her 
wish  gratified,  but  the  incessant  rattle  of  her  "  unruly  member" 
(or  ruling  member,  to  use  the  strictness  of  the  "  womans  rights" 
nomenclature)  deterring  him,  he  held  silence,  with  the  design, 
however,  of  venturing  the  suggestion  at  the  close  of  her  harangue, 
and  would  have  carried  out  his  intention,  had  he  not  been  taken 
aback  by  the  expression  that  she  "should  like  to  see  a  man 
take  charge  of  a  boarding-house." 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.      53 

"  And  who  has  the  management  of  the  house,  if  your  hus- 
band don't,"  asked  Badger  very  innocently. 

"I  suppose  I  am  the  man  of  the  house,"  said  Wilson. 
"  The  responsibility  seems  to  be  on  my  shoulders,  but  then  I 
trust  my  wife  to  keep  a  little  lookout." 

"Not  by  a  long  chalk,"  said  she,  "I'd  have  you  understand 
that  /am  the  manager  of  this  establishment,  sir.  Things  go 
here  as  /say.  It  belongs  to  me  to  order  what  I  wish,  and  if 
I  can't  have  it,  I'll " 

"  Why  didn't  you  order  the  milk  then,"  said  Badger,  inter- 
rupting her  in  his  good-natured  simplicity. 

"  That's  not  my  business,  sir.  It  belongs  to  the  men  to  see 
that  things  are  got.  How  do  you  suppose  we  can  get  along 
and  keep  boarders,  unless  the  men  provide  ?  Do  you  think 
poor  woman  can  do  everything?  all  her  own  work  and  the 
raeu's  too  ?  I  always  have  ever  since  I  was  married,  but  its 
settled,  I  shall  not  do  it  any  longer.  Now  I  guess  you  under- 
stand it,"  said  Mrs  W.,  with  that  peculiar  expression  and  em- 
phasis which  none  but  a  determined  woman  can  give. 

"  You  may  be  compelled  to  before  long  perhaps,"  said 
Badger. 

"I  know  you  men  would  be  glad  to  have  us  do  your 
business,  and  wait  on  you  besides;  but  for  one,  I've  got  too 
much  spirit  to  uphold  your  laziness.  I  only  wish  I  had  a 
halter  round  every  man's  neck  in  the  world." 

"  What  would  you  do  in  such  a  case,"  said  Badger.  "  You 
wouldn't  be  so  hard-hearted  as  to  choke  them,  would  you?" 

"  I'd  make' em  stand  about  and  know  their  place.     I'd  learn 
them  better  than  to  let  us  get  out  of  milk  on  a  baking-day." 
5* 


64  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"  Why  not  just  order  your  husband  into  the  kitchen  ?"  said 
Badger,  somewhat  boldly,  "  and  make  him  do  the  baking,  and 
you  provide  the  milk  ?" 

"  Yes,  that's  it,  wife,  exactly.  I'll  swap  clothes  with  you. 
Give  me  charge  of  the  domestics  a  spell.  I  should  make  one 
of  the  landladies,  wouldn't  I?"  said  Wilson;  at  the  same  time, 
in  his  playful  manner,  chuckling  her  under  the  chin. 

"  That's  a  fair  offer,  I'm  sure,"  said  Badger. 

"  0  yes,  you  men  are  always  very  fair  to  offer  when  you 
know  nobody  will  take  you  up.  I  should  look  pretty  doing 
out-door  drudgery.  We  women  have  always  been  made  slaves 
of,  and  always  will  be,  I  suppose.  You'd  be  glad  to  have  us 
hoe  corn,  milk  the  cows,  curry  the  horses,  black  your  boots, 
and  do  all  your  filthy  work  for  you,  no  doubt ;  but  you'll  never 
see  that  day,  I  can  tell  you." 

"  Well,  wife,  this  won't  make  milk.  Take  your  choice  in 
the  offer  I've  made  you.  If  I  am  to  be  installed  in  the  kitchen 
I  wish  to  be  off,  and  have  things  done  up  in  double-quick  time. 
And  if  you  are  going  to  succeed  me,  you — " 

"Yes,  I  know  it,"  interrupted  she;  "you  men  are  always 
in  a  great  hurry,  but  never  do  nothing." 

"  I'm  sure  Mr.  Wilson  has  made  you  a  very  fair  offer,"  said 
Amaziah. 

"  Yes,  I  s'pose  you  think  if  you  could  get  rid  of  me  you'd 
have  fine  times.  It  is  a  contrived  plan  between  you  and  my 
husband;  I  see  through  it.  I've  seen  a  good  many  things 
lately.  Now  I'm  satisfied,"  and  she  went  off  muttering,  "Nice 
contrivance  this  —  things  have  come  to  a  pretty  pass  —  he 
doing  kitchen  work  with  Kate  and  Dinah  !" 


FOLLIES   off   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.      55 

Fortunately  for  the  good  fame  of  our  landlady's  tempera- 
ment the  other  boarders,  being  unusually  tardy,  had  not  yet 
come  in. 

"  My  wife  seems  a  little  out  of  sorts  this  morning,"  said 
Wilson.  "But  you  mustn't  mind  what  she  says  —  only  a 
little  storm  —  will  soon  blow  over.  These  women  are  queer 
things  sometimes." 

"  There's  no  difference  in  'em  I  suppose,"  said  Badger. 

"O,  about  as  much  as  between  two  peas.  After  all,  we 
must  usually  let  them  have  their  own  way.  Sometimes,  when 
their  mettle  is  clear  up  and  they  get  too  fractious,  we  find  it 
necessary  to  curb  'em  a  little,  just  as  you  do  unruly  colts.  In 
extreme  cases  we  are  obliged  to  put  on  the  real  snaffle-\)\it 
which,  you  know,  in  good  hands,  either  holds  them  tight  or 
breaks  their  jaw" 

"  Don't  you  think  she  was  a  little  too  fast,  just  now?"  asked 
Aroaziah. 

"  0,  the  devil,  no  :  That's  nothing.  It  isn't  a  circumstance. 
If  you  don't  meet  that  in  your  daily  experience  when  you  get 
a  wife,  you'll  be  a  lucky  chap,"  said  Wilson,  laughing.  "  I'll 
go  to  the  kitchen  and  have  all  smooth  in  five  minutes."  He 
followed  to  the  basement,  where  he  found  Mrs.  Wilson  and 
Dinah. 

"  You've  come,  have  you  ?"  said  his  wife.  "  I  suppose  you 
calculate  on  taking  charge  here,  don't  you  ?  You'll  find  your- 
self mightily  mistaken.  Don't  you  think,  Dinah,  he  wants  to 
come  and  take  my  place  here,  in  overseeing  the  kitchen 
work." 

"Dat  would  be  fun.     Ya-ya-ya  —  let  him  come,  missus. 


56  LUCY     BOSTON. 

Wouldn't  we  hab  big  times  wid  massa  down  here,  ya-ya-ya  ? 
Hab  lots  o'  fun,"  said  Dinah,  showing  all  her  ivory,  and  turn- 
ing up  the  white  of  her  eye  in  a  sideway  glance  toward  Wilson. 

"  There,  what  did  I  tell  you  ?"  said  Mrs.  W.,  her  black  orbs 
flashing  green,  "  I  knew  this  had  been  all  talked  over  before. 
Ah,  sir,  you  can't  cheat  me.  Pretty  place  this,  for  you  and 
that  good-for-nothing  old  bachelor.  Nice  contrivance! — so 
barefaced.  It  makes  my  blood  fairly  boil  to  think  of  it. 
Where's  Badger?  I'll  give  him  a  piece  of  my  mind  he'll  re- 
member," and  she  started  for  the  stairs. 

"  That's  right.     Go  and  give  him  fits,"  said  Wilson. 

"I  won't  stir  a  step,  nother.  That's  just  another  contriv- 
ance of  yours.  Not  one  single  step  will  I  stir.  I'll  stay  here 
till  doomsday,  first." 

At  that  instant  the  hall-bell  rung. 

"  I  wonder  who's  come  now  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Wilson.  "  Some- 
body that  wants  to  board,  I  presume,  and  not  a  drop  of  milk 
in  the  house.  Never  was  poor  woman  so  tormented  in  this 
world  as  I  am.  I'm  sick  of  living.  I  can't  take  him.  Tell 
him  I  don't  want  any  more  boarders,"  and  down  she  sat,  with 
an  "  O  dear !  I  wish  I'd  never  got  married." 

A  few  minutes  sufficed  for  the  steam  to  escape,  and  our 
landlady  was  measurably  cooled,  when  Dinah,  in  the  simplicity 
and  kindness  of  her  heart,  remarked, 

"  Guess  Missus  not  berry  well  dis  mo'nin.  Guess  as  how 
she  betta  retar  to  bed  an  she  feel  berry  much  bettar.  I  do  de 
work,  Missus." 

This  brought  our  landlady  instantly  to  her  feet,  in  a  fit  of 
perfect  madness,  exclaiming, 


FOLLIES    or   THE   XlXrn    CENTURY.     57 

"  Another  smart  contrivance.  That  never  came  from  your 
thick  skull,  you  black  wench  you.  It's  some  of  my  smart  hus- 
band's cunning." 

"  I  wonder  who  it  was  that  come  in  above,  just  now.  I 
should  like  to  know,"  said  Wilson. 

"  Go  and  see  yourself,  then,"  said  his  wife,  with  emphasis. 
"  This  is  your  third  contrivance.  Just  like  you,  to  get  some 
»ne  to  call  on  purpose.  You  can't  cheat  me.  I  can  see 
through  you  and  all  the  niggers  in  America." 

"  Guess  I'll  resign  my  station  here,"  said  Wilson,  as  he  left 
the  kitchen,  his  better  half(  ?  )  resuming  her  seat. 

Entering  the  sitting-room  he  found  one  of  the  common 
itinerant  pedlars,  displaying  to  great  advantage  a  "  large  assort- 
ment" of  jewelry,  dress  and  fancy  goods.  Badger  sat  listening 
to  the  pedestrian  merchant  as  he  lavished  a  profusion  of  praises 
upon  his  different  "  wares."  Wilson,  from  curiosity  or  some 
other  motive,  priced  the  various  articles  composing  his  "  choice 
and  elegant  stock." 

Meanwhile  a  thought  suddenly  flashed  across  the  mind  of 
Mrs.  Wilson,  and  she  sprang  to  her  feet,  exclaiming, 

"  That's  just  like  him  —  he's  fooled  me  after  all,"  and  away 
she  bounded  up-stairs.  Rushing  into  the  sitting-room  in  hot 
haste,  behold  !  husband,  Amaziah  and  pedlar  with  goods  spread 
out  in  grand  display.  She  entered  the  room  with  threatening 
aspect,  but  a  sudden  change  came  over  her.  Stepping  forward 
she  made  a  general  survey  of  the  various  dresses — then  select- 
ing a  pattern,  and  holding  it  off  at  arm's  length,  remarked  in  a 
half-soliloquizing  tone, 

"  That  would  make  up  beautifully,  wouldn't  it  ?"   and  in  a 


68  LUCY   BOSTON. 

loving  way  added,  -with  a  smile,  "  don't  you  think  so,  hus- 
band?" 

"  It's  a  very  nice  pattern,  my  dear." 

"  What's  the  price  of  this,  Mr.  Pedlar  ?"  asked  she. 

"Eighteen  toller,  mom — pe  cheap  —  kot  no  more,"  answer- 
ed the  Jew. 

" Has  anybody  in  the  place  bought  one  like  it?" 

"  No,  maddom  —  pe  no  more  in  New  Yok  —  me  sell  cheap 
— ten  me  sell  again  ven  me  come  —  pe  nice,"  said  the  wary 
merchant,  his  little  black  orbs  twinkling,  yet  opaque  with  secre- 
tiveness. 

"  Can't  you  take  any  less  for  it?"  asked  she,  in  the  peculiar 
Jewing  tone. 

"Me  sell  you  fo'  seVteen  toller  —  ten  me  sell  you  some 
chewelry  —  cheap,"  said  he, 

"  Don't  you  think  I  better  take  it,  husband?  I've  been  want- 
ing a  new  dress  some  time,"  and  without  waiting  for  a  reply, 
said  to  the  pedlar,  "  I  guess  I'll  take  it,"  and  it  was  carefully 
laid  aside. 

"Have  you  got  any  nice chimesettes?"  inquired  she.  Upon 
which  he  made  a  fine  display,  archly  repeating  the  salesman's 
formula. 

1  Cheap  —  nice  —  right  from  France  —  kot  no  more  like." 

Taking  one  from  the  fancy  apartment,  and  holding  it  up 
before  Wilson,  she  said,  with  that  same  winning  smile, 

"  That  is  just  like  one  Mrs.  Dafort  from  Washington  had  on 
at  the  party.  It  was  the  handsomest  thing  I  ever  set  eyes  on, 
and  I  made  up  my  mind  to  get  one  the  very  first  chance. 
Don't  you  remember  it,  husband  ?" 


n 


-*  if- 


Page  58 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.     59 

"Yes,"  said  the  pedlar,  " me  sell  goot  many  to  ladie  in 
Vashin'ton" —  Tish  be  jist  like  vun  me  sell  to  preshedent 
ladie.  She  kif  me  fifteen  toller  —  me  sell  it  you  fo'  fo'teen." 

"Don't  you  think,  husband,  that  would  be  just  the  thing 
with  my  new  dress  ?  " 

"  It  would  be  a  very  pretty  rig,  my  dear." 

"I  knew  that  was  just  the  one  you  wanted  me  to  have, 
when  I  selected  it,"  said  she,  and  thus  another  bargain  was 
closed,  and  the  chimesette  was  carefully  placed  with  the  dress. 

"  What  splendid  jewelry  you  have.  All  new  style,"  said 
Mrs.  Wilson,  as  she  took  up  a  bracelet  whicb  particularly 
attracted  her  admiration,  and  adjusting  it  upon  her  wrist  she 
placed  it  before  Wilson's  eyes,  coquettishly  exclaiming,  "  Isn't 
that  beautiful,  husband  ?  there  aint  one  in  the  place  like  it. 
Mrs.  Howe's  that  she  got  in  Albany  isn't  near  so  handsome." 

"  It  is  a  nice  article,"  said  the  landlord. 

"  Me  sell  goot  many  like,  in  Vashington,"  put  in  the  artful 
Jew.  "  Me  sell  one  fo'  twenty-two  toller,  put  me  sell  you  fo' 
twentee  toller — pe  te  lasht  me  kot  80  koot." 

"  As  it  suits  my  husband  so  well,  I  guess  we'll  take  it," 
said  she,  with  feigned  reluctance.  "There  is  a  good  many 
things  that  I  should  like,  but  we  don't  feel  able  to  buy  just 
now,"  added  the  pacified  landlady  with  the  peculiar  air  of 
poverty. 

"  See,  maddotn,  tish  presh-pin  pe  made  to  ko  mit  te  prace- 
let  —  pe  cheap  —  me  sell  all  to  ladies  in  Vashington"  coyly 
remarked  the  Jesuit  pedlar. 

"  I  should  look  awful  awkward  with  this  new  bracelet  and  my 
old  breast-pin,  wouldn't  I,  husband  ?"  observed  the  wife,  look- 


60  LUCYBOSTON. 

ing  up,  the  pictue  of  love,  into  his  eyes.  "  Don't  you  think, 
Harry,  that  looks  better  than  my  old  thing  I've  had  so  long." 

"  Of  course  it  does,"  replied  he  with  a  good-natured  smirk. 

"  I  don't  feel  hardly  able  to  buy  it,  but  as  my  husband  in- 
sists upon  it,  I  suppose  we  must — what  do  you  ask  for  it?" 
said  she. 

"Teprishepe  fifteen  toller — put  me  sell  you  fo'  t'erteen 
toller — pe  cheap  —  cosht  me  tat —  right  from  Paris  —  pe 
none  so  petter  like  it  in  tish  kunthrie,"  said  the  pedestrian 
merchant,  his  little  mercurial  orbs  sparkling  with  satisfaction 
at  the  splendid  business  he  was  driving,  and  so  the  breastpin 
crowned  the  precious  pile  of  dress,  chimesette  and  bracelet. 

"I  s'pose,  husband,"  said  Mrs.  Wilson,  Kate  and  Dinah  will 
expect  something;  I've  got  so  many  new  things.  Other 
people,  you  know,  make  their  servants  presents." 

"  0  yes,"  he  replied,  casting  a  sly  wink  at  Badger,  "  they 
are  first-rate  girls.  Guess  you  better  please  'em  a  little." 

And  so  to  top  out  the  trade  she  purchased  and  presented  to 
Kate  and  Dinah,  each  a  cheap  ring. 

Wilson,  like  any  whole-souled  husband  who  takes  pleasure 
in  gratifying  his  wife,  "  cashed  the  bill,"  without  a  word  of 
complaint,  and  the  pedlar,  chuckling  over  his  success,  took  his 
departure,  in  quest  of  other  customers. 

Mrs.  Wilson  was  charmingly  pleasant  •  having  carefully  laid 
by  her  "  new  things,"  her  eye  happened  to  catch  the  dial  of 
the  time-piece. 

"Mercy  on  us,"  exclaimed  she,  "here  it  is  almost  ten 
o'clock.  It's  time  this  minute  to  begin  dinner.  What  dish 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      61 

would  you  like  to-day,  iny  dear  Harry  ?  and  what  would  suit 
your  palate  best,  Mr.  Badger  ?" 

"  The  good  pleasure  of  my  landlady/'  replied  the  latter. 

"  Yes,  my  wife's  a  woman  of  unquestionable  taste,"  said 
Wilson,  and  away  she  flew  to  the  kitchen,  light  as  a  bird,  and 
cheerful  as  a  May-day  morning. 

"  There  —  all  right  now,  you  see,  don't  you  ?"  said  the  land- 
lord. 

"  Yes,  but  how  long  will  it  last  ?"  enquired  Amaziah. 

"  Can't  tell  anything  about  it.  The  devil  may  be  to  pay  in 
a  week,  or  the  fit  may  not  come  on  again  in  a  month  —  can't 
tell  anything  about  it." 

"  Well,  you're  sure  it  will  come  again  in  the  course  of  a 
month,  are  you  ?" 

"  Never  knew  her  a  month  without  a  'tantrum,  in  my  life  — 
but  can't  tell  any  thing  at  all  about  it.  You  might  as  well  ask 
when  the  weathercock  will  point  North  or  South,  or  a  thunder- 
storm come  up,  as  to  ask  when  a  woman  is  going  to  have  a 
"fa"  —  it's  just  as  it  happens,  and  that's  all  any  one  can 
say  about  it." 

"  Don't  they  ever  come  out  of  their  fits  until  you  buy  them 
something  handsome  ?" 

"  0  yes,  sometimes.  Just  let  'em  alone  and  they'll  scold 
themselves  out  of  'em  after  a  while.  But  you  must'nt  be  ask- 
ing so  many  questions.  Provide  yourself  a  '  rib,'  and  you'll 
know  by  sweet  experience  all  about  it,  as  you  never  can  other- 
wise. But  the  clock  strikes  twelve.  The  next  we  hear  will 
6 


62  LUCYBOSTON. 

be  the  dinner-bell.     Look  out  for  a  choice  bit  to-day,"  said  he, 
leaving  the  room. 

"Just  so,"  replied  Amaziah,  turning  to  seek  his  apart- 
ment—  "but  'tis  very  queer,   the   difference  between   tho 


CHAPTER   VI. 

"  Oh !  is  there  not 

A  time,  a  righteous  time,  reserved  in  fate, 
When  these  oppressors  of  womankind  shall  feel 
The  miseries  they  give  ?" 

DINNER  was  served  with  usual  care  and  passed  off  agree- 
ably. To  the  uninitiated,  judging  from  Mrs.  Wilson's 
appearance,  it  would  have  seemed  that  but  one  flame  could  be 
kindled  in  the  female  bosom,  and  that  not  of  passion,  but  the 
milder,  and  more  genial  flame  of  affection. 

Badger  being  under  no  special  engagement  for  the  afternoon, 
had  ample  time  for  reflection.  Two  things  were  evolved  in  his 
thoughts  and  placed  to  his  acquisition  of  positive  ideas. 

First,  he  held  it  a  settled  truth  that  what  had  been  foretold 
him,  in  regard  to  female  destiny,  would  surely  come  to  pass, 
for  it  was  a  revelation  from  the  Spirit  World. 

Secondly,  he  knew  precisely  what  woman  was,  having  actually 
seen  one  of  the  species,  and  whose  husband — a  real  philoso- 
pher, who  spoke  from  intimate,  personal  knowledge  —  had  told 
him  that  they  were  in  general  alike. 

Judging  from  past  observation,  he  was  first  at  a  loss  to  com- 
prehend how  the  women  were  to  conduct  the  affairs  of  the 
nation  and  at  the  same  time  discharge  the  duties  which  there- 

(63) 


64  LUCY     BOSTON. 

tofore,  in  the  order  of  nature,  devolved  upon  them.  He  had 
seen  her — whom  he  took  as  the  type  of  the  sex — refuse  and 
declare  most  positively  and  emphatically  that  she  never  would 
perform  them,  which  seemed  forever  to  fix  the  fact  of  their 
non-performance,  unless  the  men  should  assume,  or  be  made  to 
assume,  the  duties  of  the  domestic  department.  But  a  second 
consideration  made  it  all  plain  to  his  understanding.  The  wo- 
men, concluded  he,  strike  for  independence,  and  stiff-neckedly 
forswear  all  home  responsibilities  only  as  the  "fit"  takes  them, 
and  when  they  come  into  power  they  will,  doubtless,  in  their 
wisdom  arrange,  by  legal  statute  or  otherwise,  the  precise  time 
for  having  "fits"  and  with  such  nice  adjustment  in  respect  to 
age,  condition  and  temperament,  that  no  two  in  a  family  or  at 
least  those  dependant  upon  each  other,  shall  fall  into  "  tantrums" 
at  the  same  time. 

But  we  will  not  pursue  simple  thoughts,  since  events,  not 
speculations,  are  what  the  impartial  historian  should  record. 
Having  a  little  business  in  New  York,  though  not  immediately 
pressing  to  be  sure,  yet  not  knowing  precisely  what  liberties, 
if  any  at  all,  men  would  be  permitted  to  enjoy  under  the  new 
administration  so  soon  to  take  the  place  of  the  old,  Badger 
concluded  to  go  at  once. 

With  overcoat  on  his  arm,  and  carpet-bag  in  hand,  he  enter- 
ed the  sitting-room  in  passing,  simply  to  say  good-bye  to  his 
landlady,  whom  he  found  so  intently  reading  a  newspaper  as 
not  to  observe  his  entrance. 

"You  seem  very  much  engaged  with  the  news,  Mrs.  Wilson," 
Baid  he;  "what  do  you  find  so  deeply  interesting?" 

"  Pray,  what  does  this  mean,  Mr.  Badger,  I  don't  understand 
6* 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.     65 

it,"  said  she,  banding  him  the  "  city  paper,"  with  her  finger 
on  the  following  notice  : 

"WOMAN'S  RIGHTS." 

This  subject  is  attracting  much  attention,  and  has  amongst 
its  advocates  some  able  minds.  A  meeting  is  to  be  held  at  the 
Tabernacle,  on  the  12th  inst.,  when  interesting  addresses  may 
be  expected.  It  is  a  question  worthy  of  consideration.  We 
hope  there  may  be  a  full  attendance.  The  call  will  be  found 
in  another  column. 

"  Sure  enough,  what  does  that  mean  ?  We  will  look  at  the 
call  and  see,"  said  Badger.  It  read  as  follows : 

"  The  undersigned  having  seen  and  felt  the  pitiless  oppression 
and  tyranny  of  the  men,  respectfully  solicit  that  all  in  favor  of  v ' 
woman's  rights,  meet  at  the  Tabernacle,  on  the  12th  inst.,  at 
twelve  o'clock,  to  take  into  consideration  the  subject,  and  devise 
the  best  means  for  their  relief.  A  general  attendance  is  re- 
quested. Good  speaking  may  be  expected,"  to  which  were 
appended  the  signatures  of  fifty  females. 

"  That  is  too  bad,"  exclaimed  she  in  a  pitiful  tone.  "How 
sorry  I  am  for  'em.  Fifty  of  my  sex  under  the  oppression  and 
tyranny  of  men  there  !  Only  think  of  it !  And  it  don't  say 
they  have  done  anything  neither.  I've  heard  my  mother  tell 
of  just  such  things  when  she  was  a  litte  girl.  How  their  poor 
little  children  must  feel  to  see  their  mother's  used  so.  I  should 
no  more  dare  go  to  New  York  than  anything  in  this  world. 
I've  always  heard  it  was  an  awful  place.  Do  you  believe  any 
thing  will  be  done  at  the  meeting,  to  deliver  them?" 

Before  he  had  time  to  respond,  in  rushed  the  wife  of  the 
village  editor,  in  hot  haste,  and  without  stopping  for  compli- 


66  LUCYBOSTON. 

ments  or  courtesy  (the  editorial  privilege),  in  the  true  matter 
of  fact  style,  dove  at  once  into  the  midst  of  her  subject. 

"  Is  your  '  city  paper '  come,  Mrs.  Wilson  ?"  said  she.  "  Ourn 
is  on-accountably  detained  for  some  cause  another,  I  don't  know 
what,  I'm  sure,  and  to-morrow  is  publication  day,  and  husband 
has  wrote  his  editorial  and  got  the  paper  all  ready  for  press, 
except  the  ' foreign  news'  column,  which  he  always  fills  up 
from  the  '  city  paper/  and  as  he  was  very  unexpectedly  sum- 
moned away  on  important  professional  business,  he  solicited 
me  to  assume  his  responsibilities  and  use  the  scissors,  and  in- 
sert any  thing  important  to  be  communicated  to  our  numerous 
readers,  and  I've  run  over  to  borrow  your  paper,  if  it's  come." 

"  Yes,  we've  got  it,"  said  Mrs.  Wilson,  and  there  is  fifty 
women  under  the  oppression  and  tyranny  of  men  in  New  York. 
I  was  just  reading  it  as  you  came  in.  Did  you  ever  hear  of 
any  thing  so  awful  in  all  your  life  ?  There  it  is,  you  can  read 
it  for  yourself,"  added  she,  handing  the  paper  to  the  editress. 

"That's  cruel  —  it's  abominable  —  it's  a  great  national  and 
public  and  most  bloody,  high-handed  outrage/'  cried  our  heroine 
of  the  jscissors,  as  if  she  bore  the  destinies  of  government  upon 
her  shoulders  !  "I  should  think  such  things  oughn't  to  be 
tolerated  in  a  Christian,  enlightened  land.  If  you  will  lend  me 
the  paper,  Mrs.  Wilson,  I'll  have  ours  out  bright  and  early  in 
the  morning,  and  scatter  the  news  broad-cast,  all  over/' 

"  Yes,  you  can  take  it,  but  be  sure  and  fetch  it  back  as  soon 
as  you're  through  with  it,  for  I  want  to  keep  it,"  said  the 
lender,  and  our  editress,  with  a  rapid,  nervous,  business-like 
movement,  hastened  to  the  "  office,"  to  enter  upon  her  profes- 
sional labors. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      67 

"  I'm  off  just  in  the  '  nick  of  time/  "  said  Amaziah.  "  I 
will  attend  the  meeting  and  learn  all  about  it  and  report  when 
I  return." 

"  Do,  for  mercy's  sake,  keep  out  of  the  way  and  don't  get 
hurt,"  said  our  landlady,  with'  a  tone  of  anxiety  for  his  safety. 
Promising  her  that  he  would  be  careful,  they  exchanged  "  good- 
bye," and  parted. 

Next  morning  the  village  paper  was  out  in  advance,  and 
heralding  in  glaring  capitals,  the  following  : 

STARTLING  INTELLIGENCE  ! ! ! 

FIFTY   WOMEN    IN    NEW  YORK,    UNDER   THE    OPPRESSION   AND 
TYRANNY   OF    MEN  !  !  ! 

TREMENDOUS    EXCITEMENT!!! 

Large  meeting  called  at  the  Tabernacle  !  !  ! 

We  go  to  press  in  advance  of  our  usual  hour  to  give  our  ex- 
tensive readers  the  very  latest  news  as  early  as  possible,  which 
must  fall  like  a  mighty  thunder-clap  upon  the  public  ear,  and 
shake  the  nerves  of  the  "body  politic"  into  the  most  frightful 
convulsions  ! !  For  which  we  are  indebted  to  the  "city  paper." 

We  should  certainly  have  issued  an  Extra  forthwith,  but 
for  this  being  our  regular  publication  day.  Before  the  excite- 
ment is  extinguished,  we  earnestly  caution  all  females  against 
going  to  New  York.  We  trust  we  shall  be  able  to  lay  before 
our  readers,  the  full  particulars  of  this  bloody  treason,  in  our 
next. 

The  village  was  electrified.  Crowds  thronged  the  printing 
office,  scrambling  for  the  paper. 

Three  or  four  times  the  usual  quantity  had  been  struck  off, 
and  yet  the  demand  was  increasing.  In  the  stores,  and  shops, 


68  LUCYBOSTON. 

and  houses,  on  the  corners,  and  in  the  tavern  were  seen  knots, 
large  and  small,  of  men,  women  and  children,  clustering  around 
the  different  readers  of  the  National  Bulletin.  Rumor  was 
afloat;  the  impulse  extended;  the  surrounding  region  caught 
the  mania.  Before  sunset,  under  the  auspices  of  female  leader- 
ship, the  subscription  list  of  the  "  Bulletin "  was  almost 
doubled.  It  was  pronounced  by  far  the.  most  interesting 
"  publication  "  in  the  country.  The  editor  was  at  once  marked 
as  a  growing  man,  and  destined  to  run  a  distinguished  career. 
And  so  it  is,  at  least  too  often  —  the  wife  plucks  the  laurels  — 
the  husband  wears  them.  But  wait.  Time  will  decide  whose 
brow  was  made  for  the  crown,  whose  hand  for  the  scepter. 

But  to  return  to  the  journey.  In  keeping  with  the  usual 
predilection  of  old  bachelors,  Badger  located  himself  on  a  va- 
cant seat  in  the  railroad  car.  Presently  a  gentleman  in  appear- 
ance, of  fine  and  easy  address,  in  search  of  a  seat,  enquired  if 
the  balance  of  the  one  he  occupied  was  engaged :  'Tis  not, 
replied  Badger,  and  they  were  seated  together. 

"Seasons,"  "Tetrabune,"  "Screamer,"  "Evening  Pole,"* 
"  Latest  News,"  "  Arrival  of  the  Air  Ship,"  "  Revolution  in 
the  Moon,"  cried  the  news'  boys  passing  through  the  train. 
His  seat-companion  purchasing  a  "  Screamer,"  Amaziah  ex- 
pected every  moment  to  hear  him  give  vent  to  his  indignation 
at  the  outrage  perpetrated  on  those  fifty  women.  But  having 
perused  it  with  no  expression  betokening  any  thing  of  unu- 
snal  interest,  it  was  politely  offered  to  Badger. 

"  Thank  you,"  s;dd  he,  taking  the  paper,  at  the  same  time 

*  The  Buccessora  of  the  New  Tnrk  Times,  Tribune,  Herald,  and  Evening  Post. 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      69 

inquiring  if  there  was  any  account  of  what  had  been  done  with 
those  fifty  women  in  New  York. 

"  What  fifty  women,  sir?  I  do  not  recollect  to  have  heard 
any  thing  about  it." 

"  There  is  a  notice  of  it  in  the  'city  paper;'  I  saw  it  last 
night,"  said  Badger. 

"What  was  the  notice,  sir?" 

"  I  can't  give  the  particulars,  but  it  told  how  they  were  op- 
pressed by  a  gang  of  men,  and  there  is  to  be  a  meeting  at  the 
Tabernacle,  on  the  12th,  to  see  if  something  can't  be  done  for 
thorn." 

"  0  !  you  misapprehend  the  thing  entirely,  sir.  That  is  a 
call  fora  'Woman's  Right's  Convention.'  I  am  one  of  the 
persons,  whose  signatures  appear  there." 

"  You  ?"     I  thought  they  were  all  females  who  signed  it. 

"  And  you  thought  right,"  said  sJie,  partly  rising  from  the 
seat.  "  You  will  observe,  sir,  that  I  am  in  bloomer  costume 
—  rather  the  extreme  of  the  style  too,  I  admit,  but  that  is  a 
mere  matter  of  taste  you  know.  I  am  now  on  my  way  to  that 
convention." 

A  shriek  of  the  "  whistle,"  and  slackening  of  the  train,  indi- 
cated their  arrival  at  a  stopping  place,  when  a  jovial  looking 
fellow,  directly  in  front  of  their  seat,  turned  around  and  with 
his  clutched  hand  extended  towards  her,  exclaimed,  "  Odd  or 
even  for  the  Scots,  sir !  We  always  take  something  at  this 
station." 

"  Excuse  me,  if  you  please,  sir,  ice  never  do  such  things," 
was  the  reply. 

"  Cars  stop  ten  minutes  for  refreshments,"  was  the   an- 


70  LUCY    BOSTON. 

nounceinent  as  usual,  as  the  wheels  ceased  to  move.  Badger 
and  his  new  acquaintance  remained  in  their  seats.  There  was 
the  customary  "  getting  off"  and  "  coming  on,"  when  there 
came  along,  among  others,  a  well-dressed  young  man,  and  in 
a  jolly,  familiar  way,  accosted  our  bloomer  friend  with — 

"  How  are  you,  Bill  ?  You  hav'nt  altered  much  since  I 
saw  you  last.  Get  a  good  game  up  at  the  races  ? 

"  You  are  mistaken  in  the  person,  sir.  Our  sex  do  not 
frequent  race-courses  nor  follow  gambling,"  and  quietly  taking 
off  her  hat,  exhibited  her  feminine  tresses  ingeniously  short- 
ened, at  which  the  young  man  recoiled,  and  with  evident  con- 
fusion, saying,  "  It  is  a  mistake;  beg  your  pardon,  madam," 
and  passed  along.  Our  bloomer  delegate  became  the  "  ob- 
served of  all  observers,"  and  the  subject  of  various  remarks, 
some  grave  and  others  sportive ;  in  short,  such  as  the  reader 
can  very  well  imagine." 

"  All  aboard,"  shouted  the  conductor,  and  the  iron  horse 
sprang  forward,  as  if  refreshed  by  his  breathing  spell,  and 
whirled  them  away  at  fearful  speed. 

"  How  impudent  these  men  are,"  said  Miss  Boston  (for 
such  was  the  name  of  our  bloomer).  "  However,  the  time  is 
not  far  distant  when  such  indignities  as  I  have  received  in 
these  few  miles'  travel  cannot  be  perpetrated  with  impunity. 
When  we  come  into  power,  we  shall  have  civility  enough  to 
permit  the  men  to  pass  unmolested  by  impertinence  and  in- 
sult. That  day,  thank  Heaven,  is  near.  Smile  not,  nor  call 
me  visionary.  I  am  as  confident  in  that  belief  as  if  it  had 
been  revealed  from  the  spirit  world." 

tl  Confident  of  what,  ma'am  ?"  said  Badger. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      71 

"  That  ere  thy  remaining  sands  arc  run,  man  shall  be  cast 
down  to  his  proper  level,  and  woman  elevated  to  her  native 
position  of  superiority." 

"  Have  you  seen  her,  too  ?"  interrupted  Badger. 

"  Seen  who,  sir  ?" 

"  I  don't  know  who  she  was,  but  she  was  the  handsomest 
creature  I  ever  saw.  Down  to  her  waist  she  was  just  like  a 
woman,  and  that's  all  I  know,  only  as  she  was  going  out  and 
lifting  up  her  skirts,  as  the  ladies  do  when  they  walk  you 
know,  in  the  place  of  her  feet,  I  thought  I  saw  a  fish's  tail. 

11 1  had  supposed,  sir,  I  was  in  the  company  of  a  gentleman. 
But  allow  me  to  inform  you  —  and  heed  well  my  words — soon 
shall  you  behold  the  glorious  spectacle  of  a  world  under  the 
eway  of  woman,  not  only  public  opinion  shaped  and  society  re- 
modeled at  her  hand,  but  the  church  reformed  under  the  magic 
of  her  eloquence,  and  the  state  ruled  by  her  power  and  guided 
by  her  wisdom — auspicious  period  when  my  sex  shall  be  in 
the  full  enjoyment  of  their  inalienable  rights." 

"  Precisely  her  language  to  me  on  that  awful  night,"  ex- 
claimed Badger. 

Miss   B looked   at   him    in  speechless  astonishment. 

"  It's  a  fact,  ma'am,  just  as  I  tell  you,"  persisted  he. 

"  Your  wit,  sir,  does  not  rival  your  ill  breeding,  to  couple 
me  by  comparison  with  a  mermaid,  that  monster  of  an  animal 
at  best,  and  whose  existence  even  is  altogether  problematical. 
But,  sir,  load  us  with  satire  and  abuse  as  you  will,  we  are  des- 
tined to  go  on  '  conquering  and  to  conquer,'  until  you  and  all 
your  kind  shall  behold  woman  in  the  legislative  hall,  on  the 
judicial  bench  and  in  the  tented  field.  The  days  of  our 


72  LUCY    BOSTON. 

glory  will  be  as  if  man  never  was,  so  completely  will  he  be 
eclipsed  in  all  his  boasted  strength  and  achievements.  And 
more,  sir,  I  could  tell  that  will  shortly  transpire,  and  which 
would  make  your  ears  tingle,  but  'tis  a  waste  of  breath.  You 
would  tenaciously  cling  to  your  unbelief,  even  if  it  were  reveal- 
ed to  you  from  the  world  of  spirits  —  yes,  you  would  not  be- 
lieve even  though  such  an  animal  as  a  mermaid,  or  if  her 
spirit  itself  should  appear  to  you  in  the  watches  of  the  night. 
But  why  waste  useless  words  and  make  myself  the  object  of 
ridicule  ?  I  will  seek  some  more  retired  seat  where,  if  possible, 
I  shall  be  free  from  these  assaults  of  impertinence,"  saying 
which,  she  rose  to  depart. 

"  Stop,  stop,"  entreated  Badger.  "  Everything  you've  spoke, 
I  believe  from  the  bottom  of  my  heart.  The  spirit  of  a  mer- 
maid did  tell  me,  and  in  your  very  words  too." 

"I  understand  you  perfectly,  sir,"  was  her  reply,  made  with 
an  air  and  emphasis  not  to  be  misunderstood,  as  she  abruptly 
retired  to  another  seat.  Miss  Boston  was  not  only  incredulous 
as  to  this  matter  of  revelation,  but  treated  it  with  the  utmost 
derision. 

Amaziah  could  a  "  tale  unfold,"  but  she  disdained  to  listen. 

He  regarded  her,  however,  with  charitable  feelings,  conclud- 
ing that  she  must  be  falling  into  a  "fit." 

Time  and  space  flew  by.  The  Hudson,  with  its  glorious 
scenery,  of  cottage  and  villa,  of  park  and  lawn,  highlands  and 
palisades,  receded  like  a  swiftly-gliding  diorama. 

The  metropolis  rose  to  view  as  if  by  magic.  Eager  eyes 
looked  out  on  spire  and  dome.  A  rush  —  a  shriek  —  and  the 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      73 

train  landed  its  human  freight  at  the  depot,  amid  the  accus- 
tomed crowd  of  "  runners,"  policemen,  pick-pockets,  &c. 

"  That's  him/'  whispered  an  officer  to  his  comrade,  as  our 
bloomer  issued  upon  the  platform  — "  we're  good  for  her," 
and  grasping  her  by  the  collar,  exclaimed  —  "accept  of  our 
hospitality,  madam.  We'll  give  you  entertainment  cheap  to- 
night." 

"Why  do  you  insult  a  female  in  this  manner,  sirrah? 
Watch  !  watch  !"  cried  she. 

"  We're  the  watch,  and  at  your  service  too/'  answered  the 
officers  exultingly. 

"Hold  on  a  minute,"  said  the  captor  —  "let's  examine  the 
documents,"  and  drawing  from  his  pocket  a  telegraphic  dis- 
patch, read  as  follows : 

"Arrest  a  female  in  man's  clothing  —  on  the  cars  —  tall  — 
well-proportioned  —  fine-looking  —  eyes  and  hair  black." 

"  All  right,"  said  he,  as  deaf  to  her  expostulations,  and  fol- 
lowed by  a  rabble,  they  hurried  her  off  to  the  tombs  —  a  catas- 
trophe as  uncomfortable  as  it  was  unexpected,  making  fifty- 
one  women  under  the  oppression  and  tyranny  of  men. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

"  More  is  meant  than  meets  the  eye." 

THE  long-anticipated  day  arrived  which  was  to  be  the 
initiative  of  our  country's  true  glory  and  greatness.  Al- 
though not  ushered  in  with  tumultuous  demonstrations,  yet  it 
marked  an  era  in  our  national  existence.  In  short,  it  was  the 
day  for  the  "  woman's  rights"  convention.  The  hour  for  the 
assembling  of  congregated  wisdom,  philanthropy,  and  injured 
innocence,  was  at  that  precise  moment  when  the  sun  was 
highest,  and  shone  the  hottest. 

Among  the  notable  arrivals  on  the  ever-memorable  occasion, 
none  created  a  greater  sensation  than  our  bloomer  delegate, 
whom  we  left  in  the  hands  of  the  police,  with  the  unpleasant 
prospect  of  her  remaining  in  durance  vile.  In  vain  did  she 
protest  her  innocence;  in  vain  did  she  offer  resistance  and 
implore  the  interposition  of  the  passing  spectators,  proclaiming 
her  name  and  residence,  and  that  she  had  come  by  special 
invitation  to  attend  the  great  "woman's  rights"  convention. 
No  one  came  to  her  rescue.  The  official  guardians  of  law  and 
order,  in  the  abundance  of  their  zeal  for  the  public  safety,  were 
inexorable,  not  abating  towards  their  prisoner  a  degree  of  inso- 
lence and  rough-handling.  With  grim  satisfaction  the  turn- 
7  (74) 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiii    CENTURY.      75 

key  threw  back  the  bars  and  bolts.  Harshly  grated  the  mas- 
sive door  on  its  iron  hinges,  to  close  upon  the  unoffending 
victim,  when  she  speedily  drew  from  her  pocket  (wondering  at 
her  thoughtlessness)  sundry  letters  and  credentials,  which 
proving  satisfactory  to  the  incorruptible  officials,  our  unlucky 
heroine  was  with  reluctance  discharged. 

Counting  herself  fortunate,  in  her  narrow  escape  from  the 
"  due  process  of  law,"  yet  chagrined  at  the  indignity  put  upon 
her,  she  hastily  exchanged  the  tombs  for  the  old  Astor. 

The  doors  of  the  old  Tabernacle  gaped  wide,  as  if  eager  to 
swallow  the  waiting  throng.  Vortex-like,  the  vast  amphi- 
theater absorbed  the  inrushing  thousands,  while  the  wedging 
multitudes,  like  a  flood  dammed  up,  choked  the  avenues,  and 
the  "  cry  was,  still  they  come." 

Promiscuously  packed,  almost  to  suffocation,  the  convention 
began  to  take  on  an  organized  form  in  the  appointment  of  Mrs. 
Jane  Truelove,  president,  by  acclamation.  She  took  the  chair, 
amid  great  applause.  Scarcely  waiting  for  the  outburst  to  sub- 
side, the  distinguished  chairwoman  arose  and  said  :  — 

"  Most  potential  and  injured  fellow- women  !  called  very  unex- 
pectedly to  preside  over  the  deliberations  and  doings  of  this  most 
august  assemblage,  I  arise  to  present  my  humble  acknowledg- 
ment for  the  very  distinguished  honor " 

"  I  call  the  president  to  order,"*  interrupted  Miss  Cloe  All- 

*  N.  B.  Lest  it  be  thought  that  some  of  the  actors  ore  represented  as  incredibly 
stupid,  it  is  sufficient  simply.to  remark  that  the  rushing  tide  of  revolution  swept  along 
with  it  the  female  populace,  whose  ignorance  of  public  business  was  equaled  only  by 
their  ambition  for  notoriety.  Of  this  the  men  took  most  cruel  advantage,  professing 
to  give  them  proper  instruction,  when  in  truth  their  only  object  was  to  make  them 
appear  ridiculous. 


76  LUCY   BOSTON. 

tongue,  popping  up  about  midway  of  the  room.  "  The  presi- 
dent is  out  of  order;  I  call  for  the  nays  and  ayes  on  the  ques- 
tion," continued  she,  in  a  sharp,  nervous  tone. 

"  I  object  to  the  ayes  and  nays,"  said  Miss  Snappish,  "  and 
contend,  according  to  strict  parliamentary  rules,  that  the  presi- 
dent is  not  out  of  order." 

"  I  didn't  come  all  the  way  here,"  retorted  Miss  All-tongue,  — 
"  No,  Mrs.  President,  I  didn't  come  clear  here,  to  hear  ladies  on 
this  floor  talk  about  parlour-mentary  rules  ;  I  come  as  the  indi- 
cator and  representation  of  'woman's  rights/  to  agitate  this 
great  constitutional  question,  and  hunt  for  means  and  measures 
by  whose  contrivance  the  proud  and  haughty,  and — and  — 
good-for-nothing  tyrant  man,  shall — hem  !  —  by  which,  proud 

and  haughty  man  shall shall "  here  the  speaker  with 

muscles  strained  and  veins  swollen,  laboring  under  the  burden 
of  her  mighty  theme,  became  speechless,  her  emotions  being 
too  intense  and  her  thoughts  too  big  for  utterance. 

Miss  Dowd.  "  If  the  lady  from  the  West  has  ended  her 
speech,  I  wish  to  be  heard  on  this  question  ;  and  if  she  has 
not " 

Chloe.  "  I  never  intended  to  give  up  the  floor,  Mrs.  Presi- 
dent; I  intend  to  stick  for  my  rights  with  the  women  as  well 
as  the  men.  Yes,  Mrs.  President,  I'll  spill  the  last  drop  of 
blood  in  my  veins,  and  drop  right  down  in  my  tracks,  before 
I'll  flinch  one  hair's-breadth  from  my  unalienable  rights." 
Miss  All-tongue  delivered  herself,  in  this  burst  of  patriotism, 
with  great  force,  and  sank  exhausted  into  her  seat. 

Miss  Garulous.  <c  Mrs.  President,  I  wish  to  introduce  a 
catalogue  of  resolutions  to  be  passed  on  by  this  meeting,  and  I 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      77 

will  further  state,  also,  that  I  wish  to  be  heard  on  them  before 
they  are  finally  adopted." 

Mrs.  Winkle  said,  "Mrs.  President,  I  think  it  is  my  turn  now 
to  deliver  my  sentiments  on  this  important  occasion.  I  dis- 
cover a  great  quantity  of  men  here,  and  they  are  all  the  while 

winking,  and  chuckling,  and  laughing,  I " 

All-tongue.  "I  call  the  lady  to  order,  and  command  the 
1  previous  question."' 

Winkle.  "  I  claim  my  title  to  the  floor,  and  hope  I  shan't 
be  broke  in  on  again.  I  move  we  progress  to  organize.  I 
move  a  division  of  the  house,  that  we  occupy  one  side  and  order 
the  men  to  take  the  other  side  by  themselves.  I  move  that 
all  the  men  who  are  friendly  and  stand  straight  up  for  us,  be 
entitled  to  set  in  front  on  their  own  side." 

Ohloe.  "  I  second  the  motion,  Mrs.  President,  with  all  my 
heart,  and  move  that  we  all  vote  on  it  unanimously." 

Reverend  Mr.  M ,  D.  D.,  calmly  arose  at  this  point,  or 

rather  in  the  midst  of  this  confusion  confounded,  and  with  every 
eye  turned  upon  him,  without  interruption,  deliberately  re- 
marked :  "  I  hope,  Mrs.  President,  I  may  be  pardoned  for  saying 
a  word.  My  heart  and  my  hand  are  with  you  in  the  enterprise 
in  which  you  are  engaged.  I  most  earnestly  desire  your  success. 
This  convention,  in  order  to  exert  its  proper  influence,  should  be 
conducted  with  regularity.  It  strikes  me  that  you  had  better 
perfect  the  organization  of  your  meeting.  This  being  done, 
and  the  customary  address  of  the  president  given,  the  conven- 
tion would  then  be  open  and  prepared  for  the  transaction  of 
business.  Otherwise,  it  seems  to  me  you  will  necessarily  be  in 
7* 


78  LUCY    BOSTON. 

confusion.  However,  I  simply  offer  you  my  advice,  and  leave 
it  for  your  consideration." 

Ohloe.  "  I  move  that  the  reverend  gentleman's  instructions 
be  adopted,  and  we  proceed  to  business  without  delay." 

Miss  Pendegrass.  "  I  second  the  motion,  and  call  the  ques- 
tion." 

Cry  of  ''question,"  '' question,"  from  all  quarters  of  the 
house. 

Mrs.  Winkle.  "  I  move  that  the  advice  be  amended  by  add- 
ing the  clause,  '  and  that  we  women  take  one  side  of  the  house 
and  order  the  men  to  take  the  other.' " 

Reverend  Dr.  M ,  rising  again,  said,  "  Mrs.  President,  I 

did  not  come  here  for  the  purpose  of  taking  part  in  the  proceed- 
ings of  this  meeting,  but  simply  as  a  spectator.  Perceiving  that 
I  am  misapprehended  in  my  previous  remarks,  I  rise  merely  to 
make  myself  understood.  What  I  meant  to  convey  is  this  — 
that  the  next  thing  in  order  is  the  appointment  of  Vice-presi- 
dents and  Secretaries,  befoi'e  any  motion  can  properly  be 
entertained." 

Finally,  the  Doctor,  as  it  were,  involuntarily  and  by  the  tacit 
consent  of  the  house,  assumed  the  charge  of  the  business,  and 
soon  the  convention  assumed  form  and  shape.  The  president 
concluded  her  speech,  and  announced  that  the  convention  was 
rea<iy  for  business. 

Friend  Badger,  although  he  had  never  attended  many  public 
meetings,  could  not  fail  to  discover  the  exercise  and  result  of 
superior  knowledge,  in  the  readiness  and  ease  with  which  the 
reverend  Doctor  brought  order  out  of  confusion  and  set  all 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      79 

things  right.  In  the  simplicity  of  ignorance  and  his  sanguine 
expectations,  he  looked  for  the  adoption  of  great  and  decisive 
measures,  at  once,  and  fancied  the  women  would  be  enthroned 
in  power  before  night. 

Profound  silence  ensued.  It  became  painful.  Every  thing 
was  at  a  dead  stand-still,  while  from  the  female  side  all  eyes 
were  turned  towards  Dr.  M ,  as  if  waiting  for  another  de- 
monstration from  him.  At  length,  to  relieve  the  awkward  and 
embarrassing  suspense,  he  arose  and  said  : 

'  I  suppose  the  lady's  motion,  that  the  sexes  be  separated, 
would  now  be  in  order,  if  she  choose  to  make  it." 

Mrs.  Winkle.  "  I  choose  to  make  the  motion,  Mrs.  Presi- 
dent, and  I  move  that  it  passes  too,  without  a  dissenting  voice." 

The  President.     "  I  put  the  question." 

"Aye,"  said  the  convention. 

Though  the  result  of  the  vote  was  not  announced  by  the 
Chair,  there  could  be  no  doubt  how  it  stood,  and  instantly  all 
was  tumult,  each  person,  whether  male  or  female,  pushing  with 
all  speed  for  the  other  side  of  the  house.  The  resolution  was 
evidently  incomplete,  in  not  designating  which  side  should  be 
occupied  by  which.  "  Ladies  will  please  take  this  side,"  cried 
a  female  voice  from  the  right.  "  Ladies,  take  this  side,"  cried 
another  from  the  left.  "  Gentlemen,  this  way,"  echoed  from 
both  sides  —  and  instantly  there  was  a  universal  cry  of  "this 
side,"  "  this  side,"  "  this  side,  I  say,"  indicating  pretty  nearly 
an  equality  of  lungs,  if  not  of  numbers,  in  the  opposite  quarters, 
and  constituting  a  grand  pow-wow  of  confusion  and  fun. 

At  length,  after  a  short  interview  between  the  Reverend 
Doctor  and  the  president,  she  arose,  and  to  the  top  of  her  voice 


80  LUCY  BOSTON. 

cried  "order — order — ORDER,"  which,  however,  only  served 
to  increase  the  "  uproar."  Redoubling  her  exertions  she  stamped, 
flourished  her  fist,  pounded  the  table,  and  screamed  "  order  — 
order  —  order  —  ORDER,"  till  quite  exhausted,  but  it  was  like 
speaking  to  the  tempest.  The  moderator  was  not  only  immod- 
erately excited,  but  her  "dander"  was  evidently  up,  for  her 
eyes  glanced  rapidly  from  corner  to  corner,  with  threatening 
aspect,  just  as  if  she  was  looking  for  a  broomstick,  that  last 
resort  of  the  feminine  amazons  when  their  naturally  pacific 
natures  are  roused  and  goaded  to  the  pitch  of  pugnacity. 
Things  looked  portentous.  The  male  spectators  expected  every 
moment  to  see  the  "fur  fly"  Our  bachelor,  calling  to  mind 
his  landlady's  injunction,  to  "keep  out  of  the  way  and  not  get 
hurt,"  began  to  cast  about  for  a  place  of  retreat,  assured  that 
they  had  all,  together,  fallen  into  the  "fits"  and  thinking 
what  a  grand  spot  it  was  for  a  pedlar  of  pills  to  make  his  for- 
tune. Observing  a  favorable  opportunity,  Amaziah  sought  to  en- 
sconce himself,  and  ducking  behind  the  desk,  awaited  the  subsid- 
ing of  the  storm.  Such  a  scene  !  It  out-bedlamed  bedlam. 

Dr.  M could  endure  it  no  longer.  Striking  his  cane 

upon  the  table,  he  shouted  "  order,"  with  a  stentorian  voice, 
and  every  thing  was  quiet.  All  dropped  at  once  into  their 
seats  again,  as  promiscuous  as  ever. 

"  I  can  see  no  occasion  for  this  intemperate  excitement," 
said  the  Doctor.  "  The  meeting  will  be  ridiculed  enough,  if  con- 
ducted with  decorum,  and  I  feel  bound  to  say  in  all  kindness, 
that  if  better  order  is  not  preserved,  it  will  merit  ridicule. 
Now  I  suggest  the  propriety,"  continued  he,  "  of  some  lady 
making  the  motion,  designating  which  side  of  the  house  .the 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.      81 

gentlemen  shall  occupy,  and  let  the  matter  be  disposed  of  in, 
the  usual  manner.  After  the  motion  is  made,  then  debate 
upon  it  will  be  in  order ;  after  which,  all  will  vote  under- 
standingly.  It  is  evidently  a  question,  in  regard  to  which 
there  is  a  great  diversity  of  opinion,  and  very  much  feel- 
ing, though  what  imaginable  importance  attaches  to  the 
subject,  I  confess  myself  unable  to  discover.  This  disagree- 
ment exists  exclusively  among  yourselves.  I  venture  to  say, 
judging  from  their  appearance,  that  the  gentlemen  have  no 
other  feeling  than  indifference  in  this  matter,  and  will  cheer- 
fully take  either  side,  if  the  ladies  will  only  harmonize  with 
each  other.  Now  let  some  one  move  that  the  men  pass  to  the 
left,  for  instance ;  then,  after  a  few  expressions  of  opinion,  we 
may  hope  that  all  will  acquiesce  in  the  vote,  when  finally  an- 
nounced." 

Chloe  All-tongue.  "  I  move,  Mrs.  President,  that  the  men 
take  the  left  side,  there's  just  where  they  belong,  they've  had 
the  right  hand  side  long  enough,  it's  our  turn  now,  and  we'll 
have  it  too."  (Great  applause.) 

Mrs.  Golden  —  a  large,  athletic  woman,  with  commanding 
voice — arose  and  said,  "  Mrs.  President,  as  we  are  manifestly  on 
the  eve  of  becoming  mistresses  of  the  universe,  I  deem  this  one 
of  the  gravest  questions  that  can  possibly  arise  before  this  body. 
It  is  a  question  pregnant  with  a  magnitude  of  interest,  and 
which  will  be  a  fruitful  source  of  weal  or  wo  to  our  children 
and  our  children's  children,  down  to  the  remotest  ages  of  pos- 
terity. Mrs.  President,  I  should  not  feel  myself  justified  in 
returning  to  my  constituents  without  having  said  thus  much 
on  the  subject." 


82  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Miss  Todman,  quite  the  opposite  of  the  last  speaker  in  size 
and  voice,  addressed  the  convention  as  follows :  "  I  fully  concur, 
Mrs.  President,  in  the  remarks  of  the  lady  last  up.  (Cheers.) 
I  hope  they  will  be  unanimously  adopted."  (Repeated  cheers.) 

Miss  Wiggins.  "  Mrs.  President,  I  feel  myself  in  some  re- 
spects, though  with  great  reluctance,  compelled  to  differ  some- 
what from  the  delegates  who  have  so  eloquently  addressed  the 
convention.  (Applause.)  The  subject  is  truly  one  of  incon- 
ceivable magnitude  (hear,  hear) ;  but  I  have  heard  no  arguments 
yet,  satisfactory  to  my  mind.  I  contend  that  this  is  by  no 
means  the  proper  place  for  the  discussion  and  adoption  of  this 
subject.  I  hold  that  it  belongs  to  the  legitimate  sphere  of 
legislative  enactments."  (Manifest  sensation  in  different  parts 
of  the  house.) 

Mrs.  Tyson.  ll  Mrs.  President,  I  rise  with  great  delicacy, 
being  unwilling  to  express  an  opinion  on  this  very  important 
subject  without  more  consideration.  It  is,  Mrs.  President,  a 
question  most  seriously  affecting  us  all.  I  challenge  any  body 
that  dares  to  deny  it.  (Applause.)  It  pervades  through  the 
social,  political,  and  moral  circle.  It  extends  around  the  fire- 
place —  yea,  '  tell  it  not  in  Gath/  it  reaches  to  the  bed-side, 
in  the  silent  watches  of  the  night,  Mrs.  President.  (Thunder- 
ing applause.)  Nor  does  it  terminate  there.  It  spreads  out 
over  the  whole  wide  world  into  the  '  sph'eres ! '  (Prolonged 
and  deafening  applause.)  Have  ladies,  let  me  ask,  have  ladies  on 
this  floor  carefully  thought  on  this  question  ?  Be  they  prepared 
to  barter  away  their  rights  ?  Be  they  prepared  to  pass  resolu- 
tions to  keep  us  fettered  and  fastened  in  everlasting  slavery  ? 
("  No,"  "  no,"  "  no,"  from  all  parts  of  the  house,  and  immense 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      83 

cheers.)  Then  let  us  do  as  our  forefathers  did,  and  declare 
our  rights  as  citizens  —  as  free-icomen —  not  only  for  ourselves, 
but  as  has  been  so  eloquently  remarked  on  this  floor,  "  for  our 
children,  and  our  children's  children,  to  the  latest  generation  of 
coming  time."  (Tremendous  cheers.) 

Chloe  All-tongue.  "  Mrs.  President,  I  shall  vote  for  every 
single  word  that  has  fallen  from  the  last  lady.  (Cheers.)  But 
I  most  strenuously  insist  on  the  men  taking  the  other  side  be- 
fore we  vote  on  any  thing  at  all;  and  if  they  had  any  manners 
about  them,  they'd  go  without  our  putting  them  there  (loud 
bursts  of  applause ;  hear,  hear) ;  yes,  that  indeed  they  would, 
or  leave  —  or  leave  —  yes,  I  repeat  it,  or  leave  the  house. 
(Immense,  repeated,  and  long-continued  cheering).  Mrs.  Presi- 
dent, I  rise  to  a  pint  of  order,  and  that  is,  that  the  men  take 
the  other  side  before  we  proceed  to  business."  (Repeated 
cheers.) 

Dr.  M .  "  Mrs.  President,  allow  me  to  say  that  Miss 

All-tongue  labors  under  a  total  misapprehension  of  things. 
The  only  question  now  before  you  is,  to  obtain  an  expression 
of  the  house,  as  to  which  side  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  shall 
respectively  occupy  in  this  convention,  a  matter,  it  seems  to 
me,  of  not  the  slightest  moment  whatever.  I  hope  I  shall 
give  no  offense  when  I  remark,  that  were  this  a  male  conven- 
tion, we  would  never  think  of  raising  this  question  of  sepa- 
rating the  sexes,  but  would  grant  the  ladies,  who  might  honor 
us  with  their  presence,  their  own  choice  of  sitting  where  they 
pleased,  and  if  you  will  allow  me  the  freedom  of  speech,  with 
all  due  deference,  I  must  say  it  would  appear  much  more 
magnanimous  on  the  part  of  the  ladies,  if  they  would  adopt 


84  LUCY    BOSTON. 

the  principle  of  reciprocity  and  give  us  the  same  privilege  of 
choosing  our  own  seats,  so  long  as  we  do  not  get  in  t\e  way,  or 
become  meddlesome.  However,  you  have  been  pleased  to  re- 
solve that  the  house  shall  be  sexually  divided.  Now,  why  not 
let  the  gentlemen  make  their  own  choice  ?  For  my  own  part, 
I  have  no  very  particular  preference  on  which  hand  I  am  put ; 
still,  if  the  ladies  are  tenacious  on  this  point,  to  demand  the 
vote,  and  it  prevails,  rest  assured  (and  I  know  I  speak  the 
feelings  of  every  gentleman  present)  we  will  most  cheerfully 
comply,  for  according  to  the  old  saying,  "  the  left  side  nearest 
the  heart,"  which,  in  all  the  world  —  nor  do  I  blush  to  say  it 
— is  the  locality  most  coveted  and  sought  after  by  man-kind. 
So  if  we  are  expelled  from  the  colder  region  of  the  right,  we 
shall  only  be  instated  in  a  warmer  birth,  a  thing  by  no  means 
disagreeable  to  us,  exposed  as  we  are  to  the  chilling  blasts  and 
pelting  sleet  of  our  northern  latitude." 

The  Doctor  resumed  his  seat  with  becoming  gravity  j  yet,  one 
might  have  discovered  a  lurking  irony  in  the  corner  of  his  eye, 
and  there  was  manifestly  a  subtle  sting  in  the  tail  of  his  speech. 
The  motion  was  triumphantly  carried,  and  the  gentlemen  moved 
to  the  left.  Our  bloomer  friend  remaining  upon  the  right,  there 
were  cries  of  "put  him  out,"  at  first,  but  an  explanation  of  who 
she  was,  brought  down  the  house. 

The  afternoon  was  by  this  time  nearly  spent,  and  after  one 
or  two  short  speeches  the  convention  adjourned  till  seven 
o'clock,  p.  M. 

At  this  juncture,  as  fate  or  the  spirits  would  have  it,  Ama- 
ziah  was  discovered  in  his  hiding  place.  The  alarm  was  in- 
stantly given,  when  the  more  pugnacious,  led  on  by  the  re- 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      85 

doubtable  Chloe,  pounced  upon  the  luckless  "  dodger,"  and  with 
no  very  gentle  demonstration  drew  him  forth. 

"Spy,"  exclaimed  one. 

"Rowdy,  assassin,  rascal,"  cried  others. 

The  crowd  and  tumult  on  the  platform  was  fast  increasing 
into  a  row,  and  it  is  hard  to  say  what  would  have  become  of 

poor  Badger,  had  not  the  reverend  Dr.  M come  timely  to 

his  rescue. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

"  Parturiunt  monies,  nascetur  ridiculus  mus." 

f  |1HE  day  was  nearly  spent,  and  judging  from  what  bad  been 
JL  accomplished,  the  prospect  of  an  immediate  triumph  of 
the  "  woman's  rights"  scheme  could  not  be  regarded  as  par- 
ticularly flattering.  A  desperate  assault  had  indeed  been  made, 
by  a  desperate  foe,  upon  the  "  tyrant  man,"  but  without  any 
perceptible  impression  upon  his  defenses.  His  throne  stood 
apparently  as  firm  as  ever  upon  its  deep  foundations. 

Seven  o'clock  arrived.  The  house  was  packed.  Crowds 
thronged  the  doorways,  unable  to  gain  an  entrance.  Those 
who  were  not  advertised  of  the  vote  separating  the  sexes,  both 
male  and  female,  made  occasional  mistakes.  Whenever  a  gen- 
tleman happened  to  get  on  the  wrong  side,  no  sooner  was  his 
attention  called  to  it,  than  he  invariably  apologized  for  the  ap- 
parent indignity,  averring  his  ignorance  of  the  resolution,  as  he 
made  the  best  of  his  way  to  the  "  left."  The  same,  on  the  other 
hand,  was  generally  true  of  the  ladies,  as  they  edged  along  to  the 
"  right."  Now  and  then  was  heard,  in  a  spiteful,  feminine 
tone,  "I  won't  —  I  shall  set  where  I  please  for  all  anybody." 

Half  an  hour  had  elapsed  and  not  an  officer  appeared  in  her 
place.  President,  Vice-President  and  Secretaries  were  scattered 
iu  various  directions  011  their  own  side  of  the  house. 

(86) 


FOLLIES    OF   fHE    XIXiH    CENTURY.      87 

At  length  Mrs.  Chloe  All-tongue,  who  was  always  "  there," 
tn  emergencies,  arose  and  said  — -  "  I  have  a  list  of  resolutions 
that  I  want  adopted,  and  I'll  have  them  adopted  too,  if  I  have 
to  adopt  them  myself.  My  man  told  me  to  press  'em  through, 
at  all  hazards,  and  get  into  the  commissioners  of  resolutions 
besides,  which  I  mean  to  do  before  I  leave  the  city." 

Mrs.  Winkle.  "I've  got  a  batch  of  resolutions  too,  that  / 
want  adopted.  I  was  also  advised  by  my  husband  to  look  out 
for  a  place  on  the  resolution  committee,  which  I  calculate  to 
do.  The  meeting  will  give  attention  while  I  read  them :  <  The 
committee  through  their  chair- icoman,  Mrs.  Winkle '  " 

Mrs.  All-tongue,  interrupting — "  Now,  Mrs.  Winkle,  I'd  like 
to  know  if  that's  parliamentary?  tisn't  fair  any  how,  and  I'll 
go  so  far  as  to  say,  it  ain't  neither  lady -like  nor  honorable — I'll 
leave  it  to  the  meeting  if  I  didn't  fairly  git  the  start,  so  you 
needn't  go  to  sticken  in  your  '  batch'  till  I  git  mine  done." 

Dr.  M- -.     "  I  hope  I  shall  be  pardoned  for  interrupting  the 

lady,  while  I  take  the  liberty  to  suggest  that  the  officers  re- 
sume their  places,  and  a  committee  be  properly  appointed  to  re- 
port resolutions  for  the  consideration  of  the  convention.  I  do 
not  wish  to  be  understood  as  dictating,  but  merely  make  the 
suggestion." 

Mrs.  Truelove.  "  I  do  not  comprehend  the  drift  of  the 
gentleman's  remarks.  I  take  it,  I  am  in  the  way  of  official  duties 
— at  all  events  my  husband  told  me  so — that  is  to  say,  as  I  un- 
derstood him — and  I've  got  it  wrote  down,  so  as  to  be  very 
exact. 

" '  First,  That  I  should  be  elected. 


88  LUCY   BOSTON. 

" '  Second,  That  I  should  be  conducted  to  the  chain 

"  f  Third,  That  I  should  deliver  my  introductory  address,  re- 
turning thanks  for  the  unexpected  honor,  &c.;  and 

" '  Fourthly,  That  my  office  expired  when  the  convention  ad- 
journed/ He  writ  down  every  word  I've  saidj  I  learned 
it  all  by  heart,  and  he  didn't  say  a  single  syllable  about  any 
thing  else.  I  am  positive  he  would  if  there  had  been,  for  he  is 
very  particular  to  be  exact  in  what  he  does.  He's  been  to 
more  than  fifty  conventions  and  seen  as  good  society  as  other 
folks,  and  I  guess  he  knows  what's  a  proper  and  jit  a?  dress,  as 
any  body  if  he  is  a  tailor,  and  I  am  resolved  to  follow  the  in- 
struction of  my  constituent  to  a  letter." 

Mrs.  Blood-good  (first  Vice-President),  springing  to  her 
feet,  in  much  agitation  said,  "For  my  part,  I  dor't  like  to  be 
snapped  up  in  this  way,  in  public,  by  any  body,  I  don't  care 
how  high  his  station.  I  have  exactly  followed  the  footsteps  of 
my  illustrious  predecessor,  as  I  am  proud  to  call  Mrs.  Truelove 
— just  what  my  husband  told  me  was  right,  and  charged  me  to 
do,  and  I  guess  my  husband  has  got  as  solid  an  understanding 
as  some  other  folks,  if  he  is  a  shoemaker.  I'm  not  a  going  to 
be  heeled  and  toed  and  hammered  around  in  this  style,  by  no- 
body— I  confess  that  I  begin  to  wax  warm  —  but  I  am  for 
sticking  to  the  last,  and  letting  our  oppressors  know,  that  they 
can't  crush  us  under  their  iron  hoofs  any  longer." 

Mrs.  Blood-good  had  scarcely  ended,  as  a  rustling  of  silk  at- 
tracted all  eyes  towards  an  individual  edging  along  with  a 
twitching  motion  from  the  back  end  of  a  pew. 

"I  supposed  this  was  a  convention  of  ladies ;  I  did  not  come 


FOLLIES    OP   THE    XlXxn    CENTURY.      89 

here  to  associate  with  tailors  and  shoemakers'  ivives,"  sputtered 
a  pert  little  Miss,  as,  turning  up  her  little  aristocratic  nose,  she 
flirted  out  of  the  house,  spitefully  slamming  the  door  behind  her. 

Mrs.  Wiggins.  "  My  husband  told  me  I  must  be  president, 
and  gave  me  a  speech  which  I  have  got  'by  heart.  He  said  I 
must  give  it  to  the  secretary,  so  I  took  pains  to  copy  it  all  in 
my  own  hand-writing  (holding  up  the  manuscript) ;  here  it  is, 
all  ready  for  the  secretary." 

Mrs.  All-tongue.  "My  man  told  me  I  must  decline  being 
president,  very  strenuously,  and  learned  me  just  what  to  say, 
and  how  to  say  it,  and  said  I  must  write  it  down  and  give  it  to 
the  porter  for  publication,  which  I  did  at  the  Irving  House, 
after  supper." 

Reverend  Dr.  M ,  again  rising,  said,  "I  do  not  by 

any  means  wish  to  intrude  upon  the  rights  of  others,  and  hope 
our  friends  will  pardon  me  for  again  taking  the  liberty  of  say- 
ing a  word.  The  evening  is  fast  passing  away  and  I  think  all 
will  agree  with  me,  that  but  little  if  any  thing  has  been  accom- 
plished. Ladies  are  assembled  here,  not  only  from  the  city, 
but  various  sections  of  the  country,  some  of  them  from  a  great 
distance.  You  have  all  come  with  patriotic  and  worthy  mo- 
tives, to  attain  a  great  and  most  laudable  object.  Vast  good 
may  result  from  this  convention,  if  properly  conducted.  A  fa- 
vorable impression  must  be  made  upon  the  community,  and 
above  all  an  wifavorable  one  must  be  avoided,  in  order  to  insure 
success.  It  is  evident  there  are  various  resolutions  in  the 
hands  of  numbers  present,  each  of  whom  has  come  expecting 
the  distinguished  honor  of  being  at  the  head  of  the  committee. 
But  all  of  course  cannot  have  it,  and  as  the  different  indi- 
8* 


90  LUCY     BOSTON* 

viduals  are  alike,  seeking  to  arrive  at  the  same  grand  result,  a 
little  conciliation  will  remove  the  difficulty,  at  least  so  far  as 
to  furnish  all  the  competitors  an  opportunity  of  laying  their 
sentiments  before  the  meeting,  for  consideration  and  adoption. 

"  By  way  of  compromise,  I  would  therefore  recommend  that 
the  officers  resume  their  places  on  the  platform,  and  some  lady 
move  that  a  committee  of  nineteen  be  appointed  by  the  chair  to 
report  resolutions  expressive  of  the  sense  of  the  convention." 

Following  this  suggestion  the  officers  took  their  appropriate 
seats.  The  president  beckoned  the  Doctor  to  her,  and  after 
various  whisperings  exclaimed — 

"  I  call  the  meeting  to  order  !  We  are  now  ready  for  busi- 
ness." 

Silence  again  ensued,  indicating  to  the  reverend  Doctor,  that 
if  the  inert,  unwieldy  body  was  to  move  at  all,  he  himself 
must  be  the  motive  power.  This  conviction  brought  him  to 
his  feet  again,  in  a  somewhat  less  moderate  and  dignified  man- 
ner than  was  usual  for  him.  His  looks  revealed  his  feelings — 
his  words  proved  them.  Poor  man  !  who  could  have  a  heart 
to  blame  him  for  the  partial  severity  of  his  eye  and  tone,  as  he 
remarked — 

"  It  is  now  almost  eight  o'clock  and  next  to  nothing  has 
been  done,  and  small  prospect  that  any  thing  will  be  done.  I 
may  appear  to  be  officious  and  out  of  my  place,  but  for  the 
honor  of  your  sex  and  the  cause,  I  will  assume  the  responsibil- 
ity— if  you  please  to  call  it  so — of  making  one  more  sugges- 
tion, which  is,  that  you  proceed  at  once  to  business,  if  you 
have  any  business  to  transact,  and  if  not,  that  you  adjourn 
without  delay.  A  short  time  since,  an  indefinite  number  of 


FOLLIES    OF   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.     91 

ladies  had  the  floor,  all  eager  to  present  resolutions,  and  well 
instructed  no  doubt  how  to  demean  themselves  ;  but  now,  when 
it  is  well  understood,  by  all  who  have  any  acquaintance  with 
public  meetings,  that  the  person  who  moves  the  appointment 
of  a  committee  is  always  made  the  chairman,  or  placed  at  the 
head  of  it,  no  one  seems  disposed  to  make  the  motion.  This 
may  be  the  result  of  modesty  or  a  want  of  courage." 

Mrs.  All-tongue  interrupting.  "  0,  I  remember,  that's  just 
what  my  husband  told  me,  to  get  up  and  move,  exactly  as  he 
wrote  it,  and  to  be  sure  and  have  it  right,  I'll  read  it : 

"'On  motion  of  Mrs.  Chloe  All-tongue,  a  committee  of 

was  appointed  to  draft  resolutions  expressive  of  the 

sense  of  the  convention/ 

"  There,  the  fool,  he's  left  out  something.  Its  just  like  the 
blunderhead.  He  never  does  any  thing  right.  A  smart  trick 
indeed — go  and  borrow  the  money  to  bear  my  expenses  clear 
here,  and  leave  that  out — I'll — I'll — just  wait  till  I  get  home, 
that's  all.  Send  me  here  to  make  a  dunce  of  myself.  He  did 
it  on  purpose,  the  villain,  I  know  he  did." 

The  remainder  of  her  remarks,  which  were  continued  at 
some  length,  were  not  distinctly  audible ;  from  what  could  be 
gathered,  they  seemed  to  threaten  something  of  a  caudleistic 
nature. 

Our  reverend  friend  had  by  this  time  subsided  into  his  usual 
frame  of  amiable  composure,  sorry  that  he  had  allowed  his  feel- 
ings to  get  the  better  of  him,  and  resolved  not  to  let  the  sun 
rise  upon  his  indignation  and  disgust.  With  the  meekness  of 
Moses  and  the  patience  of  Job,  a  very  martyr  to  the  cause,  he 
calmly  essayed  one  more  suggestion. 


92  LUCYBOSTON. 

"  It  seems  to  me,"  he  remarked,  "  if  I  may  be  allowed  to 
add  a  word,  that  in  order  to  expedite  business,  what  Mrs.  All- 
tongue  has  just  said,  had  better  be  regarded  as  a  motion,  though 
somewhat  informal,  and  that  if  it  be  seconded  and  carried,  as 
I  hope  and  trust  it  will  be,  the  chair  may  as  well  exercise  its 
discretion  by  the  appointment  of  a  suitable  number." 

He  sat,  and  silence  reigned  around.  Anon,  rising  slowly, 
and  with  infinite  amiability  he  resumed : 

"  I  feel  a  very  deep  interest  in  the  cause  of  "  woman's  rights  j" 
therefore  I  came,  and  have  remained  here  so  long,  to  the  annoy- 
ance of  some  it  may  be,  but  with  a  sincere  desire  to  aid  the  ladies 
in  their  noble  enterprise.  I  am  now  under  the  necessity  of 
leaving,  and  hope  to  hear  a  good  report  of  the  doings  of  the 
convention  during  the  remainder  of  its  session.  My  sympa- 
thies are  with  you.  I  bid  you  'good  speed/"  and  with  the 
gait  and  air  of  real  benevolence,  the  good  Doctor  took  his  hat 
and  his  departure. 

"  Good  riddance  more  like  !"  exclaimed  Mrs.  All-tongue,  as 
the  door  closed  behind  him  ;  "  I'm  glad  his  lordship  is  gone. 
He  has  kept  us  here  all  day  and  a  good  share  of  the  night 
doing  nothing.  There  will  be  something  done  now,  and  first 
and  foremost  I'm  going  to  pass  my  resolutions.  Three  cheers 
for  freedom  from  the  <  oppression  and  tyranny  of  men/  "  (Im- 
mense cheering  and  swinging  of  bonnets  and  handkerchiefs.) 

Miss.  Pendergrass.  "If  I  may  be  allowed  to  express  my 
feelings,  I  think  Mrs.  All-tongue  is  making  herself  very  con- 
spicuous here,  and  that  she  would  appear  full  as  well  if  t-he 
had  a  little  less  tongue,  or  at  least  if  she  didn't  use  it  quite  so 
much." 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     93 

Mrs.  All-tongue.  (( 0,  dear !  I  suppose  you  think,  because 
you're  a  merchant's  daughter,  you're  a  great  deal  better  than  any- 
body else.  Your  father  better  pay  my  man  for  the  very  shoes  on 
your  hocks  now,  and  which  I  bound  myself.  I  think  it  would 
look  quite  as  well,  Miss  Sal.  Pendergrass.  There !  I  guess 
you'll  let  me  alone  after  this  and  mind  your  own  business.  If 
you  don't,  I'll  tell  what  I  heard  at  the  tea-party  tother  a'rter- 
noon.  Your  father  haint  got  no  store  ?  There  isn't  such  ar- 
ticles as  lace  and  muslins  in  it  ?  Sam  Jones  aint  his  clerk  ? 
But  we  all  promised  not  to  say  a  word  about  it,  and  I  shan't, 
if  you'll  only  let  me  alone." 

The  President.  "I  think  the  lady  ought  to  tell.  Its  all 
among  ourselves,  and  we'll  agree  to  keep  it  perfectly  still." 

Miss  Pendergrass.  "  Its  all  a  lie.  I  wasn't  in  the  store 
that  night.  Its  a  downright  falsehood,  made  of  whole  cloth, 
just  for  revenge  and  nothing  else.  I  never  had  any  such  thing. 
Mrs.  All-tongue  wasn't  in  the  room  when  Mrs.  Ogle  told  it, 
and  there  wasn't  a  single  woman  there  that  believed  a  syllable 
of  it." 

Miss  Boston.  Mrs.  President,  I  have  not  as  yet  troubled  the 
convention  with  any  remarks.  It  was  my  design,  with  the 
permission  of  the  house,  to  take  some  humble  part  in  its  pro- 
ceedings. I  have  had  the  honor  of  being  present  on  several 
similar  occasions,  but  never  before  have  I  witnessed  so  large 
and  enthusiastic  an  assemblage.  Many  hours  have  wasted 
away  and  it  is  late,  yet  not  too  late  to  accomplish  much  if  the 
time  be  profitably  employed.  I  would,  therefore,  move  that  a 
committee  of  three  be  appointed  to  prepare  an  address,  to  be 
submitted  to  the  people.  I  hope  that  some  lady  will  second 


94  LucyBosTON. 

the  motion  of  Mrs.  All-tongue,  and  I  doubt  not  it  will  receive 
a  unanimous  vote." 

"  I  will  second  the  motion  of  Miss  Boston,"  said  Mrs.  Pea- 
body. 

"I  second  the  motion  of  Mrs.  All-tongue,"  interrupted 
Mrs.  Winkle ;  "  and  I  will  read  my  resolutions  and  have  them, 
passed  on  at  once." 

Miss  Boston.  "  Mrs.  President,  it  seems  to  me  that  the 
question  had  better  be  put,  without  further  delay." 

"  I  put  the  question,"  said  the  chair. 

"  Aye,"  said  the  convention. 

Miss  B .  "  Will  it  not  be  best  now  for  the  chair  to  ap- 
point, say  seven  ladies,  as  the  committee  on  resolutions,  and  let 
them  retire  ?  " 

The  Chair.     "I  nominate  Miss  Primrose  and " 

"That  is  hardly  courteous  to  Mrs.  All-tongue,"  said  Miss 
Boston.  "  According  to  all  custom  she  should  be  put  at  the 
head  of  the  committee." 

"  I  was  going  to  put  her  there,"  replied  the  chair-woman, 
pettishly,  "  and  should,  if  you  had  let  me  alone.  I  will  put 
you  there  and  make  you  retire,  if  you  interrupt  me  again." 

"  I  beg  pardon  of  the  president,  if  I  have  offended,"  said 
Miss  Boston,  mildly ;  "  I  certainly  intended  no  disrespect." 

Miss  Primrose  said,  "  I  have  no  particular  objection,  Mrs. 
President,  of  belonging  to  the  committee,  but  I  must  positively 
decline  the  honor  of  being  the  chairman,  or  chair-woman  I 
should  have  said.  First  on  account  of  my  age  and  incompe- 
tency,  and  secondly,  because  I  think  like  the  lady  last  up,  that 
honor  belongs  to  Mrs.  All-tongue,  as  the  mover  of  the  resolu- 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.      95 

tion.  In  order  that  harmony  may  attend  our  deliberations,  I 
hope  Mrs.  All-tongue  may  be  appointed  leader  of  the  com- 
mittee. 

The  Chair.  "  Well,  if  it  suits  you  any  better,  I  name 
Mrs.  All-tongue." 

"  There,  Mrs.  All-tongue,"  said  Miss  Pendergrass,  in  an  au- 
dible voice,  "I  guess  you're  satisfied  now,  and  ready  to  retire; 
just  what  you  ought  to  have  done  long  ago,  for  the  credit  of 
the  cause  and  your  own  too." 

The  Chair.  "I  hope  ladies  will  leave  their  bickerings  till 
they  get  home.  Let  them  settle  their  difficulties  there,  if  they 
must  have  them.  Silence  the  house  while  I  finish  the  com- 
mittee." 

The  house  was  silent  and  the  committee  completed  in  the 
appointment  of 

Mrs.  All-tongue, 

Mrs.  Winkle,  Miss  Primrose, 

Mis  Pendergrass,  Mrs.  Peabody, 

Miss  Kilduff,  Mrs.  Blood-good. 

After  suitable  instruction  from  Miss  Boston,  as  to  their 
duties  and  the  conventional  meaning  of  the  word  "retire," 
which  they  did  not  seem  readily  to  comprehend-,  the  IMMORTAL 
SEVEN  were  conducted  to  the  committee  room.  They  sat  with 
closed  doors,  and  as  no  one  was  admitted  to  their  conference, 
we  cannot,  at  present,  report  their  proceedings,  but  should  we 
chance  to  learn  them,  the  public  shall  not  fail  to  receive  a 
record,  so  much  to  be  prized,  of  the  doings  of  that  secret 
session. 

Miss  Boston.     "  Mrs.  President,  I  believe  my  motion  is  now 


96  LUCY   BOSTON. 

in  order  for  the  appointment  of  a  committee  of  three,  to  pre- 
pare an  address,  and  I  would  like  to  have  the  expression  of  the 
house  upon  it." 

The  Chair,  "  The  house  is  at  perfect  liberty  to  express 
itself." 

Miss  B .     "  I  mean  I  would  like  to  have  the  president 

put  the  question." 

The  Chair.  "  Well,  if  that  is  what  you  mean,  why  didn't 
you  say  so  ?  I  like  to  see  people  make  themselves  intelligible. 
I  put  the  motion." 

"  Aye,"  said  the  convention. 

"Miss Boston,  Mrs.  Freeman,  and  Miss  Kingsley,  constituted 
the  committee.  I  and  my  colleague  Miss  Kingsley,  said  Mrs. 
Freeman,  have  had  the  pleasure  of  hearing  an  address  already 
prepared  by  the  chairwoman.  We  cordially  approve  it,  and 
desire  that  it  be  read  as  the  report  of  the  committee." 

"  The  head  of  the  committee  will  please  to  read  us  their  re- 
port," said  the  president. 

Miss  Boston.  "  It  gives  me  great  pleasure  to  find  that  the 
address  which  I  have  prepared  with  considerable  care,  is  fully 
approved  by  the  other  members  of  the  committee,  with  whom 
I  have  the  honor  to  be  associated.  I  can  but  express  my  thanks 
for  the  unexpected  and  unmerited  compliment.  With  these 
preliminary  remarks,  your  committee  would  report  the  fol- 
lowing 

"  '  Address  to  the  Public  in  behalf  of  Woman's  Rights: — 

"  '  Progression,  Improvement,  Civilization,  and  Equality,  are 
the  four  ruling  words  of  the  age.  The  first  two,  though  in  one 
sense  synonomous,  are  nevertheless  distinct  in  their  particular 

• 


Page  9fi. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     97 

application.  These  four  words  are  the  quadruple  Power,  the 
compound  Lever,  with  which  the  world  has  been  turned  up-side 
down,  or  rather  right-side  up,  and  they  are  now  converted  into 
the  majestic  wheels  which  are  rolling  the  mighty  car  of  Events 
on  to  its  destiny.  These  principles  are  the  dominant  forces, 
which,  especially  for  the  last  half  century,  have  issued  in  the 
rapid,  accelerated,  almost  miraculous  advancement  of  society 
in  every  department  of  physical,  intellectual,  and  moral  activity. 
And  all  this,  selfish  man  arrogates  to  himself.  He  claims  to 
be  engineer,  conductor,  and  superintendent  of  the  train,  and 
that  icoman  is  nothing  but  the  lumbersome  baggage. 

"  '  Now  we  dispute  this  claim  with  him,  and  propose  to  dis- 
cuss its  merits.  In  doing  so,  we  shall  maintain — 

" l  First,  That  this  new  impulse  in  human  improvement  had 
its  real  origin,  not  in  man  but  in  woman. 

" '  Secondly,  That  woman  and  not  man  has  contributed  most 
to  its  advancement,  and 

" '  Thirdly,  That  woman  is  equally,  if  not  more  capable  than 
man  of  continuing  this  progress  to  an  indefinite  limit  of  time 
and  degree.' 

"  These  three  propositions  we  shall  consider  very  briefly,  for 
it  needs  little  more  than  the  bare  statement  of  so  manifest  a 
truth,  to  carry  conviction  to  every  honest  mind,  and  such 
only  may  we  hope  to  reach.  We  invite  attention  therefore 
while  we  restate  and  establish  our  position : 

"  '  Proposition  first.  The  modern  impulse  in  science  and 
improvement  originated  chiefly,  not  in  man  but  in  woman. 

11 '  "We  are  fully  aware  that  we  are  met  at  the  outset  by  man, 
'armed  to  the  teeth/  and  backed  by  legions  of  inventions  and 

9 


98  LUCY   BOSTON. 

discoveries,  of  patent  rights  and  copyrights,  of  literary  and 
scientific  diplomas,  and  professional  insignia,  with  the  steam- 
boats, railroads,  telegraphs,  and  ship  of  state  at  their  command 
—  truly  a  most  imposing  array,  and  against  which  it  may  ap- 
pear the  part  of  folly  and  madness  for  us  to  contend ;  but  be  it 
remembered,  { the  race  is  not  to  the  swift,  nor  the  battle  to  the 
strong.'  We  have  a  magazine  set,  which  needs  but  to  be 
touched,  and  this  mighty  host,  with  their  munitions  and  in- 
trenchments  are  blown  into  chaos.  This  magazine  is  the  power 
of  truth,  and  the  torch  we  hold  to  ignite  it,  the  freedom  of 
speech.  When,  we  ask,  did  the  mind  of  man  emerge  from  its 
state  of  imbecility,  and,  putting  on  strength  and  activity,  enter 
upon  the  march  of  improvement  ?  Not  till  woman  put  forth 
her  native  energies  to  cast  off  the  yoke  and  burst  the  chains 
of  her  oppression.  Not  till  members  of  our  sex,  in  spite  of 
their  serfdom,  springing  from  obscurity  like  stars  from  the 
bosom  of  night,  and  ascending  with  growing  luster,  became 
new  planets  ensphered  in  the  intellectual  heavens,  and  in  the 
presence  of  whose  radiance  the  old  members  of  the  system 
grew  pale.  Hence,  not  from  pure  spontaneousness,  but  alone 
through  fear  of  losing  the  scepter  of  his  power  and  the  crown 
of  his  glory,  man  leaped  up  and,  girding  himself,  rushed  forth 
to  his  achievements,  taking  good  care  to  herald  them  abroad 
with  the  sound  of  his  own  trumpet.  Just  as  the  Sultan  or  the 
Czar,  to  prop  their  tottering  thrones  and  suppress  the  uprising 
of  republicanism,  stud  the  empire  with  bristling  bayonets  and 
spread  the  royal  banners  from  every  tower  as  the  manifesto  of 
their  sovereignty.  Had  it  not  been  for  the  fear  of  losing  his 
supremacy,  not  to  this  hour  would  man  have  known  any  resur- 


FOLLIES    OP.  THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.     99 

rection  from  the  grave  of  Ms  ignorance  and  weakness.  It  is 
therefore  plain  that  woman  was  the  procuring  cause  or  the 
virtual  origin  of  the  upward  developments  of  the  present  cen- 
tury." (Bursts  of  applause.) 

"  '  Proposition  second.  Woman,  and  not  man,  has  contributed 
most  to  the  progress  of  the  age : — 

"  '  As  woman  was  evidently  the  mainspring  to  human  activity, 
she  must  of  course  be  regarded  as  the  normal  force,  not  only  of 
the  first  impulse,  but  also  of  its  continuance  j  for  withdraw  the 
propelling  force  from  the  great  machine  of  society,  and  every 
thing  would  at  once  subside  into  a  dead  stand-still :  undeniably, 
woman  is  the  motive  power  of  the  world.  What,  we  would 
ask,  makes  the  world  great  ?  Its  great  men,  they  will  answer 
—  grant  it.  But  whence  the  great  men?  What  fashioned 
the  Spartan  heroes?  Their  Spartan  mothers.  What  made 
General  Washington  great?  General  Washington's  mother 
What  gave  John  Adams  his  towering  position  in  the  history  of 
our  country's  independence  ?  John  Adams'  wife.  What  led  the 
son,  John  Quincy,  to  become  the  prince  of  wisdom  in  America, 
if  not  in  the  world?  The  influence  of  John  Quincy  Adams' 
mother.  So  of  the  vast  majority,  if  not  all,  of  the  great,  the  wise, 
and  the  good  among  men.  The  inheritance  of  their  renowned 
destiny  was  bequeathed  to  them,  not  by  their  sires,  but  by  their 
mothers.  Female  influence  is  the  key  that  unlocks  the  hidden 
stores  of  knowledge  and  fills  the  world  with  illustrious  charac- 
ters, which  constitutes  the  world's  greatness.  But  besides 
making  the  great  men,  woman  has  made  herself  great,  towering 
as  high  and  weaving  for  herself  a  diadem  as  bright  as  any  of 
the  inspired  lords  of  creation,  and  that  too  in  defiance  of  the 


100  LUCY    BOSTON. 

numerous  and  apparently  insuperable  obstacles  thrown  across 
her  path,  by  her  envious  oppressor.  If  we  search  the  records 
of  history,  where  find  we  brighter  names,  or  examples  more 
illustrious,  than  those  of  female  genius  ?  What  general  more 
renowned  for  military  prowess,  than  Joan  of  Arc,  or  Cleopatra, 
that  gigantic  titaness  on  the  tented  field?  The  empire  of 
Russia,  overshadowing  and  threatening  to  absorb  the  east- 
ern continent,  is  but  a  legacy  to  Nicholas  the  Great,  from 
the  Empress  Catharine.  What  periods  in  the  history  of  the 
Anglo-Saxon  race  more  rich  in  splendid  achievements  of 
thought  and  action,  than  the  reigns  of  Elizabeth  and  Victoria  ? 
In  fine,  were  we  to  select  a  champion  from  either  sex,  and  after 
the  manner  of  the  ancients,  send  them  into  the  arena  to  settle 
the  question  of  superiority  for  their  respective  parties,  the 
combatants  are  at  hand.  Napoleon  Bonaparte  is,  nearly  by 
common  consent,  pronounced  the  most  stupendous  prodigy  of 
a  man  that  the  world  has  ever  seen.  Yet  was  Josephine  more 
than  his  compeer.  She,  and  not  the  Great  Napoleon,  was  in 
chief  the  stability  of  the  imperial  throne.  He  was  indeed 
the  emperor,  but  she,  in  reality,  governed  the  people.  He  led 
his  armies  to  victory,  and  'disposed  of  courts,  and  crowns,  and 
camps,  and  churches,  and  cabinets,  as  if  they  were  the  titular 
dignitaries  of  the  chess-board  !'  But  every  where,  and  at  all 
times,  Josephine  was  his  presiding  genius,  and  her  presence 
the  prestige  of  success.  When  abjured  by  his  ambition,  she 
withdrew  from  his  support,  how  soon  was  the  '  mighty  fallen  !' 
He  struck  from  the  firmament  his  guiding  star,  and  the  mighty 
mariner,  wrecked  amid  darkness  and  tempest,  miserably  perished 
on  his  desolate  sea-girt  rock  ! 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XlXin    CENTURY.    101 

"  '  Such  is  icoman.  Let  her  but  retire,  and  Samson's  strength 
is  departed !  Deny  it  who  will,  the  truth  remains,  that  not 
merely  in  the  domestic  fabric,  but  in  the  glorious  structure  of 
the  world's  history,  icoman  forms  both  the  foundation  and 
top-most  stone."  (Repeated  bursts  of  applause.) 

"  'Proposition  third.  Woman  is  equally,  if  not  more  capa- 
ble than  man  of  carrying  forward  the  process  of  human  im- 
provement to  an  indefinite  limit  of  time  and  degree : — 

"  '  This  follows  as  a  natural  and  inevitable  conclusion  from 
the  two  preceding  propositions,  and  is  little  less  than  self-evi- 
dent truth.  Hence,  it  needs  scarcely  more  than  its  simple 
announcement,  to  carry  conviction  to  every  candid  mind.  It 
is  a  philosophical  axiom,  that  '  like  causes  produce  like  effects.' 
If  therefore,  as  we  have  seen,  woman  was  the  potential  origin 
and  equally  the  promoter  of  human  activity  in  the  various  de- 
velopments of  the  past,  it  must  follow  with  the  certainty  of 
consequent  to  its  antecedent,  that  she  is  also  competent  to 
carry  the  world  forward  to  the  termination  of  its  glorious  and 
sublime  destiny.  And  such  we  must  believe  to  be  her  mission, 
unless  indeed  the  constitution  and  order  of  nature  be  changed, 
which,  however,  can  never  happen,  since  the  laws  of  mind  and 
of  matter  are  as  fixed  as  the  Being  who  made  them.  Here  we 
rest  the  argument  as  a  triumphant  demonstration  of  the  justice 
of  our  claims  and  the  surety  of  their  success. 

" '  Nature,  justice,  eternal  truth  and  right,  constitute  the 

tower  of  our  strength  and  the  rock  of  our  safety.     We  unfurl 

our  banners  and  '  hang  them  on  the  outward  wall.'     Our  proud 

pennant,  nailed  to  the  mast,  floats  on  the  breeze.     The  contest 

9* 


102  LUCY    BOSTON. 

hastens.     Our  emancipation  draws  nigh.     The  days  of  despotic 
man  are  numbered.     Then 

'Strike !  ye  heroines  in  thrall ; 
Strike !  till  the  tyrant   foe  shall  fall  ; 
Strike  !  fast  and  hard,  both  one  and  all ; 
Strike !  for  Freedom  and  Woman's  Rights, 
(Unbounded  applause.) 

The  address  was  adopted  with  a  shout,  that  made  the  rafters 
of  the  building  tremble. 

The  committee  on  resolutions  returned.  Mrs.  All-tongue 
inquired  the  occasion  of  such  a  "big  noise/'  and  learning  the 
cause,  she  demanded  a  reconsideration  of  the  vote,  that  she 
might  add  the  power  of  Tier  voice  in  the  passage  of  a  measure 
so  loudly  called  for  and  so  unspeakably  important.  However, 
reluctantly  waiving  her  inalienable  right  of  being  heard,  in 
obedience  to  the  call  for  the  report  of  the  committee,  Mrs. 
All-tongue  submitted  as  follows : 

"  Mrs.  President,  and  ladies  of  the  convention :  — 

"  We  found  that  each  of  us  had  a  lot  of  resolutions,  and  finally 
agreed  to  pass  them  all  and  take  them  home  with  us ;  but  I  shall 
report  only  what  fullers,  which  I've  collected  together  as  a  kind 
of  sum  total  of  the  whole. 

"  '  First.  Resolved  —  That  we  all  join  hands  and  do  up  the 
work  which  we  have  to  do 

"  '  Second.  Resolved  —  That  the  following  petition  be  circu- 
lated all  over  the  State  and  sent  to  the  Legislature. 

"  '  Third.  Resolved  —  That  it  incorporates  the  feelings  and 
determination  of  this  convention. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIX  TH    CENTURY.    103 

"  '  To  the  Legislature  of  New  York  : — 

"  'The  under-writers  claim  to  represent  that  the  subject  famil- 
iarly known  and  generally  ridiculed  under  the  name  of  "Woman's 
Rights/'  is  now  greatly  convulsing  the  female  public  —  that 
they  have  viewed  with  unavailable  sorrow  and  occasional  dis- 
gust, for  a  long  time  past,  the  existence  of  the  causes  that  make 
this  petition  called  for.  Your  petitioners  therefore  not  only 
decently  ask,  but  positively  demand,  that  a  law  shall  be  imme- 
diately passed,  giving  the  women  a  right  to  vote;  making 
them  feasible  to  places  like  you ;  and  all  other  offices  which  the 
people  have  got  to  give,  whereby  they  may  rise  to  that  elevation 
so  cordial  to  their  feelings,  so  natural  to  their  nature,  so  bene- 
ficent to  their  welfare,  and  so  in  keeping  with  the  object  of 
their  creation ;  and  that  we  may  be  distinctly  understood,  we 
appeal  and  declare  in  the  expressive  language  of  the  bard  — 

"  Should  you  otherwise  decree, 
The  direful  consequence  will  be 
Diminished  population ; 
And  this  with  one  accord  we  say, 
If  '  woman's  rights'  are  thrown  away, 
Is  our  determination.' " 

The  resolutions  were  passed  unanimously,  and  followed  with 
uproarious  cheering. 

It  was  now  nearly  midnight,  and  the  convention,  with  the 
best  of  good  feeling,  adjourned  sine  die,  the  ladies,  as  might  be 
supposed,  respectively  waiting  upon  the  gentlemen  to  the 
"  chips." 


CHAPTER    IX. 

"  The  enquiring  spirit  will  not  be  controlPd, 
We  would  make  certain  al),  and  all  behold." 

T)USINESS  completed  and  curiosity  indulged  in  the  great 
_L)  city  of  Wonders,  Badger  turned  his  face  homeward.  Ab- 
sorbed in  the  morning  chronicles  of  the  preceding  day's  events, 
pregnant  with  the  destiny  of  man  and  woman  kind,  he  sat  in 
the  railroad  car  when  Miss  Boston  entered,  whom,  as  she  was 
passing,  he  politely  invited  to  occupy  the  seat  beside  him, 
promising  her  protection  from  indignity  or  rudeness.  She 
readily  accepted,  remarking  that  she  recognized  him  at  the 
Tabernacle,  and  was  much  gratified  in  seeing  him  there,  to 
which  he  replied  by  expressing  equal  satisfaction  at  being  pre- 
sent. After  various  remarks  relative  to  the  city,  its  growth, 
its  commerce,  its  wealth,  its  amusements,  &c.,  &c.,  their  con- 
versation naturally  turned  into  the  channel  of  "woman's 
rights." 

"  What  did  you  think  of  the  convention,  sir  ?"  asked  Miss  B. 

"  I  thought  it  was  a  big  one/7  replied  he.  "  What  did  you 
think  of  it,  Miss  Boston  ?" 

"  There  were  many  very  foolish  and  some  very  sensible  peo- 
ple there.  But  that  is  the  case,  sir,  wjth  all  popular  assem- 
(104) 


FOLLIES    or   THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    105 

biles.  Nor  is  it  at  all  surprising.  Indeed  it  is,  and  in  the 
nature  of  things  it  must  be  so,  while  the  present  custom  holds, 
and  men  send  their  wives  and  daughters  loaded  with  addresses 
and  resolutions  and  instructions  to  make  themselves  conspicu- 
ous and  gain  notoriety.  Not  that  these  women  are  so  much 
to  be  blamed.  They  are  under  the  control  and  direction  of 
their  husbands  and  fathers  and  brothers.  They  have  been 
kept  in  a  great  measure  secluded  from  society, — I  mean  the 
every  day  matter-of-fact  society  of  the  business  as  well  as  the 
social  world.  And  more  especially  have  they  been  denied  a 
place  in  deliberative  bodies,  where  alone  any  person  can  acquire 
a  theoretical  and  practical  knowledge  of  the  routine  of  parlia- 
mentary proceedings.  Pardon  me,  sir,  if  I  appear  to  monopo- 
lize the  conversation.  That  is  proverbially  one  of  woman's 
unquestionable  rights  you  know.  Besides  the  subject  is  my 
apology,  if  one  is  needed.  You  see  I  am  entering  a  plea  in 
behalf  of  my  sex  for  their  general  want  of  familiarity  with  the 
ordinary  method  of  transacting  business  of  a  public  character. 
As  I  said,  they  have  been  forever  ostracised  from  all  participa- 
tion in  the  counsels  of  public  bodies.  And  then  you  could 
not  have  failed  to  discover  the  absence  of  independence  on  the 
part  of  almost,  if  not  quite,  all  of  the  ladies  in  the  convention. 
Strictly  speaking,  they  were  not  delegates,  but  representatives, 
for  they  simply  reflected  their  husbands  and  fathers. 

They  dare  not  go  contrary  to  the  instructions  of  their  liege 
lords  if  they  had  been  so  disposed.  I  have  attended  a  large 
number  of  conventions  in  the  last  few  months,  but  in  character 
very  different  from  this  one.  They  were  composed  of  dele- 
gates, free-thinking,  independent,  strong-minded  delegates,  not 


106  LUCY    BOSTON. 

representatives,  or  mere  automatons,  the  passive,  pliant  toola 
of  the  men.  I  have  observed  much  in  connection  with  this 
subject,  and  meditated  enough,  much  more  than  enough,  to 
convince  me  of  the  propriety  and  justice  of  our  cause,  but 
never — I  must  say  it — never  have  I  seen  or  thought  of  any 
thing  in  relation  to  this  question  which  has  impressed  me  so 
seriously  as  this  convention.  Why  only  think  of  it,  sir  !  hun- 
dreds of  women  there  who  never  in  their  lives  before  had  been 
suffered  to  attend  a  convention  as  spectators  even,  much  less 
to  participate  in  one  !  And  what  a  humiliating  spectacle  was 
there  presented  !  That  of  itself  settles  the  question,  and  ren- 
ders our  success  sure  and  speedy." 

"I  am  entirely  satisfied,"  eagerly  interrupted  Badger;  "I 

know  and  have  ever  since  I  saw" the  remembrance  of 

his  adventure  on  their  downward  trip,  at  that  instant  arrested 
him,  in  the  middle  of  his  sentence. 

"  Since  you  saw  what,  sir  ?"  inquired  Miss  B . 

"  You'd  get  right  up  and  leave  me,  if  I  should  answer  you, 
so  I'd  have  no  chance  to  tell  you  about  it." 

"  No,  sir,  I  promise  to  hear  you  through,  provided  you  speak 
in  respectful  language." 

"  Since  I  saw  the  spirit  of  the  mermaid,  then,"  he  added — 

"  Spirit  of  the  mermaid  ! "  repeated  she,  with  a  hearty  fem- 
inine laugh,  and  a  look  which  left  no  doubt  as  to  her  opinion 
of  the  spirit  seer. 

"Well,  if  I'm  to  be  laughed  at  in  this  way,  I'll  see  if  I 
can't  find  another  seat,"  said  he,  with  the  tone  and  air  of  in- 
sulted feeling,  and  rising  to  depart. 

"  Pardon  my  impoliteness,  sir ;  I  really  intended  no  offense. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     107 

I  promise  you  not  to  laugh  again,  though  it  must  be  confessed 
there  is  something  comical  about  it.  I  have  witnessed  '  spir- 
itual demonstrations'  and  am  called  a  believer,  and  a  very 
good  '  medium '  besides,  but  never  before  did  I  hear  of  the 
spirit  of  a  mermaid.  I  should  as  soon  expect  the  spirits  of 
animals." 

"Well,  I've  heard  them  too,"  said  he;  "and  the  awfulest 
racket  that  ever  was  made." 

Again  Miss  B broke  into  a  fit  of  laughter. 

"  You  needn't  make  sport  of  me,  for  I  did,"  persisted 
Badger,  with  wounded  pride. 

"  I  was  not  laughing  at  you"  answered  she,  "  but  only  at 
my  own  thoughts.  Sir,  you  understand  what  a  mermaid  is  ? 
if  there  ever  was  such  a  thing  in  existence,  which,  to  say  the 
least,  is  extremely  doubtful." 

"  I've  heard  something  about  them,  ma'am,  but  I  don't 
know  any  thing  except  what  she  told  me." 

"  Well,  sir,  allow  me  to  say,  the  most  authentic  accounts  we 
have  of  the  animal,  makes  it  a  kind  of  fabulous  creature,  an 
inhabitant  of  the  ocean,  part  woman  and  part  fish,  but  of  the 
two,  I  should  think,  rather  the  more  fishy." 

"That  was  her  I  saw  then.  She  said  she  used  to  live  in 
the  ocean  and  set  on  a  rock,  and  see  the  ships  go  by  and  men 
in  'em,  and  she  told  me  just  what  you  did  the  other  day." 

"  Pray,  sir,  when  and  where  did  you  see  her  ?  " 

"T'other  night,  in  my  room.  She  came  twice.  The  first 
time  she  didn't  stay  only  a  minute,  but  she  said  she  would  see 
me  again  the  next  evening ;  and  she  did,  after  all  were  asleep, 
and  she  stood  a  good  while  and  talked  to  me,  and  told  me  all 


108  LUCY   BOSTON. 

about  Woman's  Rights  and  the  men,  and  how  they  abused  the 
women,  and  about  the  spirit  land,  where  she  said  she  come 
from,  and  how  the  women  ruled  the  men  there,  and  how  spirits 
come  to  get  away  to  come  to  earth.  She  said  the  female 
spirits  broke  loose,  because  the  men  tormented  the  women  so, 
down  here ;  and  a  great  many  other  things.  I  wish  you  could 
only  have  seen  and  heard  her  as  I  did,"  said  our  bachelor,  with 
great  rapidity  and  emphasis,  his  eyes,  with  a  marvelous  glare, 
standing  quite  out  of  his  head. 

"  You  seem  very  earnest,  sir,"  said  she.  "  A  strange  story 
you  are  relating.  You  saw  her  twice  did  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  did,  as  true  as  I  live." 

"And  the  fatted?" 

"  Yes,  both  times,  but  a  good  deal  the  most  the  second  time." 

"  Did  any  one  else  see  her?  " 

"  No,  not  anybody.  She  said  she  come  to  me,  because  I 
hated  the  women,  and  told  me  to  look  out  and  heed  and  listen 
to  her." 

"And  you  did?" 

"  I  guess  I  did.     I  heard  every  word  as  plain  as  day." 

"  And  saw  her  all  the  time  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure  I  did.  I  was  looking  right  straight  at  her,  and 
she  right  straight  at  me.  0,  how  handsome  she  was  ! " 

"  Did  she  have  on  costume  ?  " 

"I  don't  know.  She  had  a  sight  of  real  pretty  ringlels, 
and  they  come  clear  down  to  the  floor,  and  covered  her  almost 
all  over,  and  I  thought  she  had  on  something  that  looked  like 
thin  gauze  or  muslin." 

"  She  stood  on  the  floor?" 


FOLLIES    OP    THE   X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    109 

"  No,  she  didn't  stand  on  any  thing,  but  just  as  a  feather 
does  in  the  air,  or  a  fish  in  the  water." 

"  How  she  came  or  how  she  went  you  cannot  tell  ?  " 

"No;  the  first  thing  I  saw  of  her,  she  was  standing  right 
before  me,  and  she  went  away  just  as  quick.  She  went  right 
out  in  the  storm." 

"  A  stormy  night,  was  it  ?  " 

"Yes,  the  rain  poured  down  in  pails-ful  and  it  thundered 
and  lightened  awfully." 

"  Did  any  thing  else  happen  ?  " 

"  I  guess  there  did.  Every  thing  in  my  room  was  all  at 
once  hopping  about  and  turned  topsy-turvy,  and  as  quick  as 
she  come  it  all  come  right  again.  I  was  sitting  on  the  foot- 
board,"  and  from  this  point  he  proceeded  to  give  a  full  ac- 
count of  the  scene  on  that  wonderful  night. 

Miss  Boston  having  attentively  heard  him  through,  re- 
mained for  some  time  in  thoughtful  silence.  At  last  she  said 
to  herself — 

"  Strange  ! — very  strange  ! — this  must  be  so — there  is  noth- 
ing impossible  in  it  after  all  •"  then  turning  to  him,  "  And  she 
told  you  that  woman  was  going  to  rule  very  soon  ?  " 

"  Certainly  she  did,  and  said  she  told  it  to  me  from  the  spirit 
land,  and  prophesied  it  too." 

"  And  do  you  believe  it  ?  " 

"  I  know  it." 

"  And  this  is  what  you  wished  to  tell  me,  on  our  way  down  ?  " 

"  That's  just  what  I  meant." 

"  I  had  met  with  so  many  insults  that  day,  that  I  hardly 
knew  when  I  was  treated  respectfully.  I  very  much  regret 
10 


110  LUCY    BOSTON. 

my  leaving  you  as  I  did,  and  sincerely  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  for 
my  rude  behavior  toward  you." 

Time  had  passed  so  insensibly,  that  they  were  scarcely  aware 
of  having  left  the  depot,  before  "  Poughkeepsie"  was  announced 
by  the  conductor. 

"  I  must  leave  you  here,  sir,"  said  Miss  B- ,  "  as  I  am 

to  address  an  audience  at  this  place,  this  evening."  Wishing 
her  success,  and  expressing  the  hope  of  seeing  her  again,  with 
a  friendly  shake  of  the  hand,  they  bade  each  other  farewell, 
and  parted. 

Stopping  in  Albany,  for  a  short  time,  Amaziah  chanced  to 
spy  an  advertisement  in  flaming  letters. 
"FiTs!!    FITS!!! 

"A  sure  cure  for  fits,  adapted  to  all  ages,  conditions,  and 
sexes,  especially  to  females.  Sole  agency  for  the  State  of  New 
York  !  !  " 

The  idea  at  once  struck  him  that  it  was  just  the  thing  for 
his  good  landlady,  Mrs.  Wilson,  and  thinking  she  might  expect 
a  present,  he  stepped  into  the  office  and  inquired  for  the  "  rer  £ 
edy  for  fits."  The  clerk  very  politely  informed  him  that  thc^ 
had  a,  few  boxes  left,  and  placing  them  on  the  counter,  advised 
him,  by  all  means,  to  take  the  "  lot,"  protesting  that  they  were 
invaluable,  and  could  be  had  nowhere  else,  that  if  he  should 
not  happen  to  want  them  all  himself,  he  could  very  readily  dis- 
pose of  them.  Counting  them,  he  said  there  were  eighty-three  \ 
boxes,  and  if  he  would  take  the  quantity,  he  would  call  them 
eighty,  and  put  them  at  twenty  cents  a  box,  though  the  usual 
price  was  twenty-Jive  cents. 

Our  benevolent  bachelor  thought  he  would  hardly  find  use 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    Ill 

for  so  many,  but  as  they  were  offered  at  such  a  bargain,  he 
finally  took  the  "lot."  With  his  pills  stowed  in  his  pockets 
and  several  advertisements  in  his  hat,  he  was  soon  under  way, 
and  reached  home  in  safety. 


! 


I 


CHAPTER   X. 

Mistakes  never  come  single. 

rilHE  sable  goddess  had  spread  her  black  mantle  when  Bad- 
_L  ger,  laden  with  sundry  budgets — news  and  pills  forming  the 
staple — alighted  at  his  boarding-house.  Contrary  to  his  antici- 
pation, there  was  none  to  greet  him  but  Dinah.  Wilson  had 
gone  into  the  country  to  purchase  a  cow.  Mrs.  Wilson,  in 
company  with  her  mantua-maker,  a  maiden  lady,  was  attending 
a  meeting  at  the  church  —  as  Dinah  expressed  it,  "  a  meet'n 
ob  de  citizens,  to  spress  dar  pinion  ob  some  men  in  New  Yawk, 
dat  Missus  was  read'n  bout  in  de  papar.  Missus  tell  you  all 
bout  it  when  she  come." 

Dinah — benevolent  heart — spread  the  table  with  nice  warm 
refreshments.  Badger  supped  and  sought  his  room.  Over- 
come with  fatigue,  in  conjunction  with  the  law  of  habit,  he 
went  early  to  bed  and  quickly  fell  into  a  sound  sleep.  The 
meeting  broke  up  at  a  late  hour.  Dinah,  like  a  faithful  ser- 
vant, anxious  to  be  up  betimes  in  the  morning,  had  gone  to 
rest,  when  her  mistress  and  the  mantua-maker  returned.  They 
of  course  must  have  their  chat  in  relation  to  the  meeting  and 
matters  in  general,  so  that  the  "big  hour"  arrived  before  they 

were  ready  to  retire.     Mrs.  W instructed  her  friend  that 

(112) 


Page  113. 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXTH    CENTUKY.    113 

ehe  could  occupy  the  same  apartment  as  before.  The  mantua- 
maker  alleging  the  brightness  of  the  evening  quite  equal  to 
that  of  day,  declined  a  proffered  light,  and  with  the  mutual 
wishes  of  "  pleasant  dreams,"  proceeded  to  her  lodgings.  Her 
nightly  toilet  completed,  with  the  exception  of  something 
under  her  pillow,  whither  she  thrust  one  hand  and  at  the 
same  time  throwing  open  the  sheets  with  the  other,  in  the  im- 
petuosity of  extreme  haste,  her  foot  was  on  the  side-rail  ready 
for  a  vault  into  the  bosom  of  repose,  when  with  a  shriek  that 
proved  the  soundness  of  her  lungs,  she  bounded  from  the 
room  and  down  stairs,  at  every  leap  screaming  "  murder ! 
murder  /" 

Started  from  his  slumber,  yet  but  half  awake,  and  thinking 
surely  the  house  must  be  in  flames,  Badger  sprang  upon  the  floor, 
threw  his  morning  gown  about  him,  rubbed  his  eyes  and 
rushed  after  her,  crying  "fire  !  fire  1 "  As  he  passed  the  sec- 
ond floor,  Mrs.  Wilson  bursting  into  the  hall,  frightened  quite 
out  of  her  wits,  fell  in  behind  him,  and  in  her  headlong  descent 
filled  up  the  chorus  with  "  murder  I— fire  ! — help  !"  Bachelor, 
landlady  and  old  maid,  all  landed  in  a  promiscuous  heap,  at  the 
foot  of  the  stairs.  Dinah  who  happened  just  then  to  have  a 
wakeful  turn,  had  instantly  struck  a  light,  and  with  formidable 
courage,  came  shuffling  into  the  hall,  exclaiming  — 

"  Lor  a  mighty,  wat  be  de  matter,  wat  mean  all  dis  dreful 
fusion  here  ?  " 

The  boarders,  aroused  by  the  clamor,  began  to  make  their  ap- 
pearance, to  learn  the  cause  of  this  midnight  alarm,  in  their 
semi-nude  and  nightly  regalia,  while  here  and  there  were  seen 
night-caps  timidly  peering  through  the  several  doors.  Mean- 
10* 


114  LUCY   BOSTON. 

while  Mrs.  Wilson  and  the  mantua-maker — the  latter  in  partic- 
ular, more  dead  than  alive — had  succeeded  in  extricating  them- 
selves from  the  melee  and  gained  a  place  of  refuge,  leaving  our 
bachelor  alone  in  a  state  of  bewilderment. 

"  Bress  me,  Missur  Badger,  am  dat  you  ?"  said  Dinah, 
holding  up  the  candle  and  rubbing  her  eyes  to  assure  herself 
of  his  identity.  "  Wat  for,  sir,  you  rais'n  sich  a  sturbance 
dis  o'clock  ob  de  night,  to  skeer  eb'ry  body  to  def." 

« I — I  don't  know,  Dinah,"  stammered  the  frightened  man  ; 
"  somebody  came  to  my  room  and  woke  me  up,  crying  '  mur- 
der,' and  I  ran  down  to  see  what  it  was." 

His  voice  being  recognized  by  Mrs.  Wilson,  the  mystery 
was  readily  unraveled.  In  his  absence,  she  had  as  a  matter  of 
convenience,  in  accordance  with  the  liberty  often  exercised  in 
public  houses  as  well  as  private  —  assigned  the  mantua-maker 
the  temporary  occupancy  of  his  dormitory.  He  was  uncon- 
scious of  the  arrangement,  they  of  his  return,  and  hence  the 
above  innocent,  yet  almost  critical  adventure. 

Further  explanation  was  unnecessary.  With  manifold  cach- 
inations,  those  who  had  come  to  the  rescue,  returned  to  their 
quarters — the  nightcaps  vanished — Badger  vamosed — and  the 
mantua-maker  '  turned  in '  with  the  landlady,  for  the  remain- 
der of  the  night.  But  the  denoument  was  not  yet.  They  had 
just  composed  themselves  soundly  to  sleep,  when  Wilson  re- 
turned. It  was  understood  that  he  should  not  be  home  till 
the  next  day,  but  having  accomplished  the  object  of  his  mis- 
sion, like  good  husbands  in  general,  preferring  the  sacrifice  of 
his  rest  to  even  a  night's  absence  from  his  family,  he  took  up  his 
solitary  ride  and  reached  home  at  an  early  hour  in  the  morning* 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    115 

Gaining  silent  entrance  by  means  of  his  night-key  —  to  avoid 
disturbing  the  slumbers  of  the  inmates — and  his  familiarity 
with  his  own  domicile  precluding  the  necessity  of  striking  a 
light,  he  very  quietly  retired,  unobserved  by  the  heavy  sleepers, 
and  himself  ignorant  of  the  home  arrangements,  except — to 
use  his  own  words — he  thought  his  "  better  half"  had  monopo- 
lized territory  some  degrees  north  of  "  Mason's  and  Dixon's 
line,"  but  in  the  spirit  of  "  compromise,"  he  very  peacefully 
occupied  the  unappropriated  space,  though  at  the  great  hazard 
of  falling  out  of  bed.  A  few  moments,  and  all  alike  had 
passed  to  the  realm  of  forgetfulness. 

It  was  a  late  hour  in  the  morning.  Morpheus  seemed  re- 
luctant to  release  his  subjects,  and  long  held  them  in  the 
smudging  toils  of  drowsiness.  The  sun,  unable  to  look 
through,  could  barely  peep  by  the  edges  of  the  heavy  curtains 
in  faint  and  slender  lines  upon  the  dingy  wall.  At  last  the 
mantua-maker  was  awake,  Wilson  about  half  so,  his  wife 
yawned  once. 

"  How  ashamed  I  shall  be  to  see  him,"  said  Miss  Hager,  "  I  am 
thirty-five  years  old,  and  never  before  did  I  cut  such  a  caper." 

"  0,  that's  nothing,  only  a  little  mistake,"  drawled  the  land- 
lady, in  her  half  conscious,  dreamy  state,  as  they  lay  cozily 
with  their  faces  to  the  wall. 

"  He  never' d  known  who  it  was,  if  you  hadn't  made  such  a 
racket  coming  down  stairs,  and — if —  Dinah  hadn't  come  with 
— the  —  can — d  —  1 — e,"  and  she  was  in  a  drowse  again. 

"What  would  folks  say  if  they  only  knew  it,  Mrs.  Wilson  ?" 
earnestly  exclaimed  the  troubled  maiden :  "  I  wouldn't  have  it 
known  for  the  world." 


116  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"0,  Mr.  Badger  is  a  nice  man.  He  will  keep  it  to  himself, 
and  Dinah  never  tells  tales — you  know  I  never  keep  tattlers 

about  me,"  replied  Mrs.  W ,  in  a  consolitary  tone,  as  she 

made  another  effort  to  come  out  of  her  sleepy  fit. 

"Now  don't,  for  mercy  sake,  tell  your  husband  about  it, 
will  you,  I  feel  so  awfully " 

"  The  devil  you  do,"  said  Wilson,  peering  into  the  mantua- 
inakcr's  face.  "  What  new  chum  have  you  over  there,  wife  ?" 

Miss  Hagar  uttered  a  cry  as  if  oppressed  by  a  score  of 
nightmares,  and  giving  the  coverlets  so  violent  a  twitch  over 
her  head  as  to  leave  her  nether  extremities  exposed  —  thus 
"  robbing  Peter  to  pay  Paul"  —  she  suddenly  collapsed  as  if 
drawn  together  by  a  thousand  cramps,  with  exclamations  of 

"  Oh,  dear  !  Oh,  dear  me !  What  shall  I  do  ?  What  shall 
I  do?" 

It  seemed  as  if  the  frightened  creature  would  absolutely 
shrink  into  nothing. 

"  Why,  husband,  are  you  there  ?"  said  Mrs.  Wilson,  now 
fairly  opening  her  eyes. 

"Yes,  wife,  I'm  right  here." 

"I  thought  you  wasn't  coming  home  last  night.  This  is 
Miss  Hagar,  the  mantua-maker.  She  thinks  I  better  have 

a  Basque.  Miss  Hagar,  my  husband,  Mr.  Wilson" but 

this  formal  introduction  was  not  responded  to  by  the  unlucky 
spinster. 

There  was  still  discoverable,  on  the  back  side,  a  diminutive- 
looking  heap,  but  the  interjections  had  subsided  by  degrees 
into  a  violent  panting  and  low  tremulous  groans. 

"  What's  up  between  her  and  Badger,  wife  ?     A  love  affair, 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    117 

eh  !  All  right,  all  right.  Miss  Badger,  I  hope  for  a  better 
acquaintance." 

"  She  made  a  little  mistake  last  night,"  said  the  wife,  and 
got  into  his  room.  She " 

"  0  yes,  all  right/'  interrupted  he.  "  An  old  bach —  of 
fifty  and  a  maideu  on  the  shady  side  of  thirty-six  are  apt 

"  Dinah  found  out  the  mistake." 

"  Wonder  if  Amaziah  can  tell  the  difference  between  a  live 
mantua-maker  and  her  sign  ?  I'll  interrogate  him.  Come, 
come,  Mrs.  Badger,  don't  lie  curled  up  there  like  a  possum. 
You're  not  dead  yet.  Guess  you'll  survive  the  shock.  Most 
capital  joke  on  Badg.  though — capital." 

"  Why,  Mr.  Wilson  !  you  sha'nt  talk  so  to  her.  It  was 
only  a  mistake.  She  did'nt  know  he  was  in  his  room.  We 
did'nt  get  home  from  the  meeting  till  'leven  or  twelve." 

"  All  right — she  could'nt,  of  course,  very  well  expect  he 
would  be  there  at  that  time  of  night.  But  I  guess  she'll  sur- 
vive it.  You  take  good  care  of  her,  wife,  and  I'll  go  and  see 
whether  Amaziah  is  dead  or  alive." 

The  little  mound  by  the  wall  seemed  to  be  in  spasms,  like 
the  shaking  of  a  miniature  earthquake  or  a  galvanic  battery 
acting  upon  a  pile  of  muscles,  the  only  thing  that  now  indi- 
cated animal  life,  save  a  faint  moaning  sound. 

Wilson,  hastily  creeping  into  his  apparel,  made  his  exit. 

The  mantua-maker's  form  gradually  relaxed  from  its  rigid 
rotundity,  and  crawling  timidly  from  her  hiding  place  after  her 
landlady,  with  nervous  rapidity  she  sheltered  her  affrighted 


118  LUCY    BOSTON. 

modesty  with  her  wardrobe,  meanwhile  repeating  to  herself, 
"  Oh,  dear !"  followed  by  long,  exhausting  sighs. 

The  good  landlady  endeavored  to  cheer  her,  telling  her  not 
to  mind  it  —  that  "nobody  was  to  blame"  —  there  was  "  no 
harm  done" — that  it  was  useless  to  cry  for  "  spilt  milk"  — be- 
sides, "  accidents  would  happen  in  the  best  of  families,"  &c. 

This  very  innocent  and  harmless  occurrence  furnished  a  dish 
nicely  adapted  to  Wilson's  palate  for  "fun-jottings,"  and 
which,  with  occasional  "  hashing  up  and  warming  over,"  was 
sufficient  to  last  for  some  time.  Yielding  to  his  ruling  passion 
for  sport,  he  took  a  cruel  satisfaction  in  misconstruing  every 
attempted  explanation,  feigning  himself  ignorant,  though  well 
aware  of  the  real  facts  in  the  case.  He  did  not  seek  Badger, 
but,  on  the  contrary,  avoided  him,  being  unwilling  to  abate 
the  richness  of  the  joke  by  allowing  him  any  opportunity  for 
explanation. 

Amaziah,  methodical  to  rule,  and  feeling  a  peculiar  pressure 
in  the  region  of  the  lungs,  sought  out-door  air,  for  the  relief 
of  his  respiratory  organs.  Meeting  the  chambermaid,  he  said 
to  her — 

"  You  may  take  those  things  on  my  table  and  hand  them  to 
Miss  Hager."  She  proceeded  in  obedience  to  his  direction, 
and  gathering  them  promiscuously  in  her  apron,  was  descend- 
ing the  stairs,  when  Mrs.  Wilson,  who  chanced  to  spy  our 
bachelor  making  his  exit  from  the  front  door,  called  out 

"Kate!" 

"  Yes,  marm ! "  echoed  the  customary  answer. 

"  Go  to  Mr.  Badger's  room  and  fetch  the  dress-maker's 
teeth  and  Lair." 


FOLLIES   os-   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    119 

**  An  sure,  marm,  I  cannot  pul  'em  out  alone,"  answered 
the  ignorant  servant  in  her  surprise  at  the  mandate. 

"  Do  as  I  bid  you ;  start,  and  don't  be  long  about  it  neither." 

This  dictatorial  address  touched  Kate's  " Irish"  and  dis- 
charging the  contents  of  her  apron  in  confusion  on  the  stairs, 
lest  they  should  be  in  the  way  of  fulfilling  her  orders,  and 
flirting  back,  rummaged  the  room  thoroughly,  and  returned 
to  report  non  est — not  to  be  found.  Entering  the  apartment 
occupied  by  Mrs.  Wilson  and  her  mantua-maker,  on  seeing  the 
latter  bald  and  toothless,  she  exclaimed — 

"  An  sure,  why  didn't  you  tell  me  you  had  done  it  yourself. 
I  lucked  the  room  all  over  for  her,  an  you  was  pulling  her 
teeth  and  hair  all  out  yourself,  you  was,  ma'am.'* 

"  You  stupid  lout !"  said  her  mistress ;  "  I  told  you"- 

"  As  he  is  gone,"  interrupted  Miss  Hayer,  "  you  watch  for 
Mr.  Badger,  and  I  will  run  up  myself  and  adjust  them  in  his 
room  before  any  body  sees  me.  And  away  she  flew,  with  the 
agility  of  a  panther,  making  the  ascent  at  half  a  dozen  strides, 
and  on  her  arrival  —  consternation  and  grief!  Her  beauty 
had  indeed  departed  !  The  alarm  given,  Mrs.  Wilson  hastened 
to  her  relief.  Every  nook  and  corner,  every  trunk  and 
drawer  was  ransacked,  but  the  lost  treasures  where  nowhere  to 
be  found.  The  fruitless  search  given  over,  the  disappointed 

couple  descended  again,  Mrs.  W to  feel  regret,  and  Miss 

H bewidowed  of  her  charms,  to  lament  her  sudden  and 

most  sore  bereavement. 

In  the  meantime  Kate  had  resumed  her  sweeping,  forgetful 
of  the  presents,  till  among  the  "odds  and  ends,"  covered  with 
dust,  and  in  a  "  beautiful  snarl,"  she  was  about  brushing  them 


120  LUCY   BOSTON. 

into  the  dust-pan;  when  gathering  them  up  she  presented 
herself  before  the  bereaved  mantua-maker,  saying, 

"  Misthur  Badger  come  from  New  York  yestherday,  an  brought 
you  some  presenths,  he  did  marm,  an  bade  me  gave  em  to  you, 
an  here  they  be,  sure  —  nice  presents  them  are,  sure."  A» 
she  emptied  her  apron  into  Miss  Hager's  lap,  when  lo  I  teeth, 
hair,  and  boxes  met  the  astonished  gaze  of  the  owner.  Like 
the  "  presenths/'  Kate  vanished. 

With  upraised  hands,  and  smiling  through  her  tears,  she  wel- 
comed back  her  departed  charms,  though  presenting  a  some- 
what soiled  dishabile  complexion.  Proper  applications,  however, 
readily  restored  their  original  luster,  and  under  the  enchant- 
ment of  the  toilet,  baldness  and  toothlessness  soon  reflourished 
in  all  the  freshness  and  bloom  of  maiden  beauty. 

Breakfast  was  announced.  The  mantua-maker  at  first  refused, 
preferring  the  second  table,  but  finally  yielding  to  persuasion, 
followed  the  landlady,  who  assured  her  that  none  but  her  hus- 
band knew  "  any  thing  about  who  it  was,  and  he  wouldn't  tell." 
Amaziah,  too,  would  have  preferred  absence  to  his  breakfast, 
but  wisely  concluding  the  best  way  would  be  to  meet  the 
emergency  boldly,  his  courage  got  the  mastery,  and  he  marched 
straight  forward,  yet  hardly  able  to  conceal  a  faltering  step. 
All  were  seated,  the  landlord  "  doing  the  honors  of  the  table." 
The  boarders  cast  significant  glances  at  each  other,  and  evi- 
dently, with  difficulty,  restrained  their  risibilities.  Mrs.  W 

thinking  to  display  great  generalship,  and  cover  the  retreat  of 
the  discomfited  parties,  hit  upon  the  plan  of  an  introduction, 
intending  by  the  ^ery  boldness  of  the  manoeuvre  to  come  a  reuse 
on  the  pursuers  and  decoy  them  into  the  belief  that  there  was 


FOLLIES    OP   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    121 

neither  "game  "nor  booty;  in  other  words,  to  separate  in  the 
minds  of  the  boarders  all  connection  between  the  two  leading 
actors  of  the  last  night's  scene.  This,  it  must  be  confessed, 
was  the  part  of  benevolence ;  but  whether  it  displayed  equal 
wisdom,  is  at  least  questionable.  Be  that  as  it  may,  her  course 
was  taken  j  and  fortunately,  the  position  of  the  parties,  sitting 
directly  opposite  each  other,  favored  the  design. 

"  Mr.  Badger,"  said  Mrs.  W ,  assuming  an  unnatural 

gravity  in  attempting  to  be  simply  serious,  thus  pointing  and 
touching  off  the  very  guns  she  intended  to  spike,  —  "  allow  me 
the  pleasure,  sir,  of  making  you  acquainted  with  my  friend 
Miss  Hager." 

"  I  guess  they're  in  a  fair  way  to  get  pretty  well  acquainted, 
wife,"  remarked  Wilson,  significantly.  A  suppressed  tittering 
went  round  the  table.  No  one  dare  look  up,  for  fear  of  an 
explosion.  The  dress-maker's  face  rivaled  the  blushing  rose. 
Badger  looked  dead  blank. 

"  Miss  Hager,  how  is  your  appetite  this  morning  ?"  asked 
Wilson,  with  comic  sobriety,  and  without  waiting  for  a  reply 
served  her  very  bountifully. 

"  And  now,  friend  Badger,  I  know  what  you  want.  A  good 
night's  sleep  has  whet  your  appetite  sharp  —  I  can  tell  by  your 
looks.  I  may  be  mistaken  though,  for  '  mistakes  do  happen  in 
the  best  of  families/  don't  they  wife  ?"  There  was  manifestly 
a  covert  meaning  in  all  this,  not  understood  except  by  those 
initiated.  The  corner  of  Wilson's  eye  and  the  muscles  of  his 
mouth  indicated  more  than  his  words  conveyed.  All  were 
sensible  there  was  something  "  in  the  wind "  which  had  not 
been  Wown  to  them  yet.  But  in  the  absence  of  more  definite 
11 


122  LUCY   BOSTON. 

knowledge,  some  in  silence  affected  a  very  knowing  look,  while 
others  in  merciless  sport  demanded  of  the  old  Bach.,  if  he  was 
accustomed  to  catch  the  nightmare  and,  old  Putnam-like,  ride 
down  stairs?  He  was *' cornered," and  though  riddled  with 
shot,  stood  the  charge  bravely,  which  fortunately  diverted  the 
attack  from  the  less  courageous  victim  on  the  opposite  side. 
It  is  fruitless  to  attempt  a  full  description  of  the  scene,  but  it 
may  safely  be  said,  that  no  one  of  the  number  contracted  the 
dyspepsia  that  morning,  unless  it  be  Amaziah  and  the  dress- 
maker. 

"  Well,  Badger,"  said  Wilson,  after  breakfast,  byway  of  re- 
lief to  the  poor  fellow,  "  you've  had  a  pretty  hard  siege  since 
your  return  from  the  city.  Suppose  we  take  a  ride  into  the 
country  ?  A  little  airing  will  do  you  good  —  I  guess  the  wo- 
men can  spare  us  to-day." 

Badger  gladly  accepted.  With  whip  and  spur,  they  were 
soon  under  way. 


CHAPTER    XI. 


'  She  begged  that  philosophic  spirit, 
Which  Tame  allowed  him  to  inherit, 
To  fix  and  settle  her  opinion 
As  to  its  rights  and  its  dominion." 

"  I  can  call  spirits  from  the  Tasty  deep." 
'  Why,  so  can  I,  or  so  can  any  man  : 
But  will  they  come  when  you  do  call  them  ? ' 


THE  reader  will  recollect  that  we  left  Miss  Boston  at  Pough- 
keepsie.  She  drew  a  large  audience  and  created  a  favora- 
ble impression.  Having  also  delivered  lectures  in  Hudson,  Al- 
bany, and  Schenectady,  she  returned  in  health  and  spirits. 
Her  advent  was  quickly  heralded  through  the  town.  Soon 
Mrs.  Hudson,  an  intimate  and  believing  friend,  was  announced, 
who  upon  hearing  the  report  of  the  convention,  lectures,  &c., 

which   Miss   B had   attended,  proceeded   to  narrate  the 

events  which  had  transpired  at  home,  in  her  absence. 

It  is  proper  to  remark,  that  previous  to  Miss  Boston's  de- 
parture, "Spiritualism"  had  made  its  appearance  in  the 
neighborhood.  Several  meetings  had  been  held  and  "  demon- 
strations" received,  resulting  in  the  institution  of  "circles," 
as  they  termed  them,  meaning,  probably,  the  union  of  the  visi- 
ble and  invisible  worlds,  thus  constituting  the  great  magnetic 
cycle,  and  hence  the  fitness  of  the  appellation.  However, 
they  were  not  as  yet  so  thoroughly  organized,  or  the  connec- 

(123) 


124  LUCY     BOSTON. 

tion  was  not  so  perfectly  formed  as  always  to  secure  the  advent 
of  the  spirits.  Sometimes  they  were  favored  with  "  demon- 
strations," but  were  not  entirely  satisfied  as  to  their  genuine- 
ness. A  rap  was  heard  on  the  side  of  the  house,  but  might 
it  not  be  occasioned  by  the  wind  which  at  the  time  was  blow- 
ing a  gale.  Occasionally  there  were  palpable  indications  of 
the  presence  of  "  spirits,"  but  then  they  could  not  be  recalled, 
and  this  gave  rise  to  no  small  variety  of  rhetoric  and  logic,  re- 
sulting in  an  equal  variety  of  opinions. 

However,  the  "circle"  was  in  its  incipiency,  and  its  re- 
peated failures  could  easily  be  accounted  for,  in  various  ways 
—  a  misunderstanding  between  the  spiritualists  and  the  spirits 
— an  absence  or  obstruction  of  inter-spherical-communication — 
a  want  of  ability  or  disposition  on  the  part  of  the  ghosts  — 
these,  and  sundry  other  considerations  mundane,  and  super- 
mundane, were  sufficient  to  have  banished  perplexity  from  the 
minds  of  the  believers,  reconciled  their  discrepancies  and 
silenced  the  skeptics,  yet  was  there  doubt,  anxiety,  and  rank 
unbelief.  But  during  the  absence  of  Miss  Boston,  new  light 
had  burst  upon  the  benighted  community,  in  relation  to  the 
mysterious  rappings.  A  lecturer,  one  of  the  new  lights  of 
this  extraordinary  nineteenth  century,  made  his  appearance, 
and  promised  for  two  shillings  a  head  to  reveal  the  secret  of 
'"  calling  spirits  from  the  "vasty  deep,"  alleging  his  ability  to 
make  them  come  to  any  spot,  day  or  night,  in  sunshine  or  in 
storm.  This  indeed  was  strange.  But  what  was  passing 
strange,  they  would  do  any  thing  at  his  bidding,  that  spec- 
tators might  desire,  affording  them  profit  and  amusement  to 
any  amount,  in  kind  and  degree.  If  required,  they  would  set 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTUKY.    125 

the  tables  dancing — teach  writing — mathematics — languages 
— geography — in  short,  all  the  arts  and  sciences,  not  only  of 
this  "  mundane  sphere,"  but  even  communicate  by  signs  and 
hieroglyphics,  which  he  would  interpret,  the  geology,  geogra- 
phy, topography,  zoology,  paleontology,  with  all  other  ologies; 
not  only  the  complete  natural  history,  but  the  social,  civil,  po- 
litical and  ecclesiastical  constitution  and  developments  of  the 
seven  anti-mundane  or  spiritual  spheres. 

"  He  told,"  said  Mrs.  Hudson,  "  wherein  we  had  not  worked 
it  right  —  that  we  had  at  times  almost  heard  the  raps,  but  not 
knowing  the  secret  sign,  were  unable  to  succeed.  One  evening 
which  he  spent  with  us,  we  invited  in  some  friends,  and  the  thing 
being  noised  abroad,  the  room  was  full.  We  afterwards  held 
a  very  large  meeting,  which  produced  a  wonderful  stir." 

"  It  would  have  given  me  much  satisfaction  to  be  present/' 

remarked  Miss  B ,  with  fixed  attention  and  thoughtful 

countenance.  "  Did  any  spirits  but  those  of  human  beings 
appear  ?  " 

"We  had  no  'manifestations'  from  any  others." 

"  Did  he  express  any  opinion  in  his  lectures  on  that  partic- 
ular point  f  " 

"  I  think not Yes  he  did,  too,  say  something  about 

calling  spirits  from  the  '  vasty  deep.'  " 

"  Did  you  understand  him  that  he  had  done,  or  that  he 
could  do  so  ?  In  other  words,  did  he  speak  of  his  experience 
or  his  theory?  I  feel  some  little  interest  on  that  subject." 

"  I  do  not  remember  exactly  about  that,  but  we  are  to  have 
a  '  circle'  at  our  house  this  evening,  at  seven  o' clock  precisely. 
He  satd  we  must  be  very  exact  in  the  appointment,  and  puno- 
11* 


126  LUCY    BOSTON. 

tual  to  a  second,  or  it  might  make  a  difference.  I  hope  you 
won't  fail  to  come,  and  we  will  ascertain  how  many  kinds  of 
spirits  there  are.  We  had  a  circle  last  evening,  and  the 
spirits  told  us  they  would  be  present  to-night.  I  have  become 
so  deeply  interested  in  the  subject,  that  I  can  scarcely  attend 
to  any  thing  else.  Mr.  Hudson,  too,  is  all  absorbed  in  it,  and 
so  is  neighbour  Taburg.  Their  business  is  hardly  thought  of. 
The  lecturer  took  up  his  abode  at  our  house,  and  gave  me 
some  lessons  in  private.  0,  he  is  a  perfect  love  of  a  man ! 
Now  you  will  come,  Miss  Boston,  won't  you  ?  Don't,  for  the 
world,  disappoint  us. 

"  I  will  endeavor  to  be  there." 

"  And  you  must  be  sure  to  come,  just  at  the  time  precisely. 
Should  you  happen  to  be  a  minute,  or  even  a  second,  too  late, 
it  might  keep  the  spirits  away  and  spoil  the  circle." 

"  I  will  try  to  be  punctual,"  said  Miss  B ,  as  Mrs. 

H departed,  highly  elated  in  anticipation  of  the  inter- 
view, and  surcharged  with  nervous  excitement,  though  a  very 
worthy  lady,  by  the  way — honest,  sincere,  and  well  disposed, 
but  one  easily  led  by  stronger  minds  to  do  not  only  what  was 
right,  but  possibly  the  reverse. 

Miss  Boston  was  one  of  the  remarkable  women — intellectual, 
calm,  reflecting,  determined :  she  could  not  easily  be  jostled 
or  turned  aside  from  the  onward  and  "  even  tenor  of  her  way." 
She  was  never  "  subject  to/fe." 

The  hour  arrived.  The  "  circle,"  consisting  of  a  dozen 
members  and  the  spectators,  were  assembled.  A  large  table  in 
the  center  of  the  room,  and  the  requisite  number  of  chairs, 
were  placed  in  order  about  it.  Mrs.  Hudson  selected  as  "  me- 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    127 

dium  "  for  the  evening,  they  at  once  ranged  themselves  around 
the  table.  Joining  hands,  Mrs.  Hudson  gave  directions  for  all 
to  be  perfectly  still  and  passive  until  some  spirit  should  mani- 
fest itself,  which  she  was  confident,  if  they  had  made  no  mis- 
take, would  be  in  a  short  time. 

Fifteen  minutes  silently  elapsed  without  a  demonstration, 
when  Mrs.  H inquired  if  they  were  proceeding  accord- 
ding  to  rule. 

In  reply,  Mr.  T thought  they  were,  but  something  was 

wrong  —  he  would  see  if  the  door  was  locked,  as  the  lecturer 
taught  them  there  could  be  no  '  manifestations '  without  closed 
doors.  Careful  scrutiny  discovered  it  to  be  partly  locked,  a 
phenomenon  quite  explanatory  of  their  failure !  The  spirits 
are  shy  of  open  doors  I 

Again  the  ring,  in  other  words  the  "  circle,"  united  hands 
fifteen  minutes  longer,  but  with  like  result,  when  the  indefati- 
gable mediums  went  into  a  general  speculation  upon  the  proba- 
ble causes  of  their  disappointment.  At  last  it  occurred  to  a 
young  lady,  that  the  lecturer  had  said,  or  she  thought  he  said,  that 
the  lamp  must  not  be  on  the  table ;  doubtless  for  the  reason 
that  the  spirits  being  unaccustomed  to  candle-light,  it  would 
naturally  hurt  their  visual  organs,  and  perhaps  produce  inflam- 
mation. This  obstruction  removed,  the  "ring"  connected 
palms  again,  and  charging  the  battery  of  their  spiritual  tele- 
graph, transmitted  dispatches  for  the  immediate  advent  of  the 
celestials,  but  no  answer  was  returned.  What  could  be  the 
difficulty  ?  Either  the  consolidation  of  the  "  medium  "  forces 
was  not  sufficiently  potent,  or  the  spirits  were  away  on  a  jour- 
ney or  pre-occupied  at  some  other  "circle,"  or something 


128  LUCY   BOSTON. 

else.  As  to  the  mermaid,  we  would  venture  a  suggestion,  that 
she  was  busy  arranging  her  evening  debut,  that  is  to  say,  she 
was  "  not  at  home."  At  all  events  there  was  a  "  screw  loose," 
or  a  screw  wanting  somewhere. 

Upon  a  thorough  canvass  of  all  the  causes,  possible  and 
probable,  of  their  abortive  efforts,  they  agreed  in  ascribing  the 
difficulty  to  the  astounding  fact  that  the  table  was  composed  of 
pine.  Great  was  their  chagrin  at  such  an  oversight.  What 
inattention,  what  unaccountable  obtuseness,  to  forget  that  they 
were  living  in  the  advanced  age  of  civilization,  the  palmy 
days  of  evangelical  taste  and  refinement,  when  the  private 
mansion,  the  hotel,  the  theater  and  the  church,  rivaled  each 
other  in  the  costliness  of  their  structure,  the  grandness  of 
their  architecture,  and  the  artistic  richness  and  beauty  of  their 
appendages.  And  should  not  the  "  spheres"  be  at  least  equally 
progressive  ?  Should  they  be  any  less  transcendental  in  the 
exquisiteness  of  taste,  style,  and  manners  ? 

The  pine  table  was  therefore  replaced  by  one  of  rosewood, 
the  spirits  disclaiming  to  use  furniture  of  a  material  more 
vulgar  or  common-place.  But  lo  !  the  rosewood  was  as  power- 
less as  the  pine.  Not  a  ghost  broke  the  silence. 

Thus  completely  foiled,  the  "  circle  "  was  forced  to  confess 
their  failure ;  yet,  instead  of  giving  place  to  unbelief,  their  faith 
increased  to  enthusiasm,  and  each  resolving  to  find  out  the 
hinderance,  they  dispersed  without  the  slightest  intimation  as 
to  when  or  where,  or  how,  the  spirits  would  vouchsafe  to  them 
an  interview. 

The  day  following  was  one  of  busy  excitement  among  the 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    129 

up  the  mystery  of  their  defeat,  but  neither  of  which  seemed 
altogether  satisfactory. 

As  a  last  resort,  Mr.  Hudson  was  consulted  in  regard  to  the 
expediency  of  procuring  the  attendance  of  the  lecturer  to  set 
things  right  again.  The  expense,  however  great,  was  of  no  ac- 
count, if  he  would  but  hasten  to  their  relief.  Miss  Boston, 
favored  with  frequent  calls,  was  plied  with  numerous  questions 
in  relation  to  the  rap-less  spirits,  but  was  not  very  communi- 
cative. She  said  little  and  thought  much.  In  an  interview 
with  Mr.  Hudson,  she  was  particular  to  interrogate  him  as  to 
the  character  and  whereabouts  of  the  lecturer.  Ouf  heroine 
was  soon  missing.  Her  silent  departure  occasioned  various 
conjectures,  but  the  prevalent  opinion  was,  that  she  had  gone 
on  a  lecturing  tour. 

The  "  circle,"  in  the  meantime,  continued  to  assemble  pri- 
vately, in  sections  of  two  or  three,  but  failed  of  obtaining  any 
"  manifestations." 

Miss  Boston  went  in  pursuit  of  the  lecturer— not  that  she 
was  particularly  a  believer  in  him ;  her  object  was  light.  Strik- 
ing his  trail,  she  overtook  him  at  a  certain  small  village  in 
central  New  York,  where  he  had  given  several  lectures,  and 
with  eminent  success.  Large  audiences — ignoble  and  town- 
elite — crowded  around  him,  and  all  ranks  of  spirits  awaited  his 
bidding.  The  object  of  general  attraction,  and  idolized  by  his 
followers,  he  commanded  princely  wages  for  his  invaluable  in- 
structions. 

Miss  B took  lodgings  at  the  Hotel.  The  succeeding 

day  she  spent  in  exploring  the  romantic  little  village  and  its 
suburbs,  remaining  incog.,  and  concealing  the  real  object  of 


130  LUCY    BOSTON. 

her  visit.  Making  the  acquaintance  of  the  landlady,  she  gained 
from  her  a  history  of  the  prevailing  excitement  in  the  circle 
there,  and  learned  the  names  of  the  most  prominent  actors. 
While  thus  engaged  in  conversation,  the  landlady  pointed  her 
to  the  lecturer,  entering  a  store  on  the  opposite  side  of  the 
way.  Miss  Boston,  after  the  fashion  of  young  ladies  in  general, 
making  it  convenient  just  then,  to  call  at  the  store  for  some 
trifling  article,  which  she  knew  or  hoped  they  did  not  have, 
found  a  number  discussing  the  prevailing  subject,  with  mutual 
congratulations  upon  their  success,  and  speculating  on  what 
strange 'things  would  be  revealed  in  the  evening.  Miss 

B 's  ears  were  erect,  while  examining  the  articles  which 

did  "  not  suit,"  as  long  as  propriety  would  allow,  when  with 
dignified  modesty,  she  ventured  two  or  three  incidental  re- 
marks, hoping,  she  said,  that  they  would  not  deem  her  imper- 
tinent and  bold,  but  she  was  anxious  to  be  informed  on  the 
subject  in  which  they  appeared  to  be  so  deeply  engrossed — she 
had  heard  much  respecting  it,  and  had  long  desired  to  see  some 
master  of  the  science,  who  could  give  satisfactory  evidence  in 
its  support. 

At  once  pointing  to  the  lecturer  they  declared  he  was  just 
the  man  j  he  could  do  it  up  "  brown,"  if  she  would  attend  the 
"circle"  in  the  evening,  which  would  meet  at  a  cottage  half 
a  mile  from  the  village.  They  were  positive  that  every  thing 
would  be  demonstrated  to  her  complete  gratification,  for  a  large 
number  of  spirits  were  engaged  to  be  "  on  hand,"  and  no  mis- 
take but  they  would  be. 

Why,  amid  such  general  interest,  they  should  assemble  in  a 
little  obscure  cottage,  seemed  somewhat  singular,  but  then 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTUHY.    131 

these  spirits  like  all  other  folks  have  their  caprices,  and  like 
them  they  will  be  gratified,  or  become  refractory. 

Miss  B ,  wishing  to  make  the  most  of  her  mission,  re- 
quested a  private  interview  with  the  lecturer  at  her  room, 
which  being  readily  granted,  they  were  soon  in  close  conver- 
sation on  the  all-absorbing  topic.  Like  a  philosopher,  she 
scanned  his  experience  with  the  keenest  scrutiny,  and 
sounded  his  knowledge  to  the  bottom.  She  found  him  vision- 
ary, enthusiastic,  self-confident,  and  all-wise,  claiming  to  be 
sole  master  of  the  spirit  land.  He  did  not  therefore  command 
her  special  respect,  as  a  man  of  mind,  of  reason,  and  judg- 
ment. Yet  had  she  the  sagacity  to  discover  that  his  whole 
soul  was  in  the  subject,  and  concluding  that  if  in  reality  he 
had  the  knowledge  and  control  of  spirits,  asserted  by  him,  it 
must  arise  from  his  temperament  rather  than  his  wisdom,  and 
as  the  whole  science  was  mysterious,  it  might  perhaps  be  in 
keeping  with  the  mystery,  and  also  with  philosophy,  that  those 
of  his  constitutional  class  should  furnish  the  principal  "me- 
diums," like  the  fishermen  of  Galilee,  obscure,  unlearned,  sim- 
ple-minded, but  the  chosen  heralds  of  the  new  faith. 

She  learned  that,  among  other  places,  he  had  lectured  with 

splendid  success  at  the  village  of  C (her  place  of  residence), 

and  organized  a  "circle"  there,  which  he  was  assured  bid 
fair  to  be  the  very  finest  established.  The  good  cause,  he  said, 
was  rapidly  advancing  there  and  the  people  were  exceedingly 
anxious  to  have  him  return,  which  he  intended  to  do,  as  soon 
as  his  pressing  engagements  would  permit.  Sufficiently  enter- 
tained with  his  superlative  rodomontade,  she  questioned  him  : 

"  Do  you  believe,  sir,  that  the  channel  of  communication  be- 


132  LUCY    BOSTON. 

tween  the  visible  and  the  invisible  worlds,  is  entirely  perfected, 
as  to  its  agency  and  method  ?  " 

"  Certainly  I  do,  I  have  no  doubt  of  it — I  know  it,  for  the 
spirits  have  told  me  so." 

"  Have  you  had  any  '  demonstration'  from  other  than  human 
spirits?" 

"No,  because  I  have  never  called  any  other." 

"  If  there  are  other  spirits  besides  human  and  angelic,  can 
you  hold  intercourse  with  them?" 

"  Of  course  I  can.  I  have  one  prime  spirit  at  my  command 
which  has  free  access  to  all  the  spheres,  having  a  pass  to  go  and 
come  at  any  moment,  as  my  agent,  carrying  back  and  forth 
any  information  I  choose." 

"You  can  obtain  any  intelligence  you  wish,  at  any  mo- 
ment?' 

"  Most  certainly  I  can." 

"  Will  you  then,  sir,  for  my  satisfaction,  be  so  kind  as  to 
inform  me  now,  whether  or  not  your  general  agent,  as  you  call 
it,  is  the  spirit  of  a  male  or  female  ?" 

"  I  will  answer  you  in  five  minutes :  you  remain  perfectly 
passive,"  said  he,  with  an  air  of  the  utmost  confidence,  when 
taking  off  his  hat  and  buttoning  up  his  coat,  he  placed  his 
hands  upon  the  stand,  closed  his  eyes,  crossed  his  legs;  instantly 
a  rap  was  heard :  "  the  spirit  is  present,"  said  he,  "  you  may 
ask  it  any  question  you  like.  One  rap  or  one  tip  of  the  table 
means  no  ;  three  raps  or  three  tips,  yes." 

Miss  Boston's  face  prospectively  brightened,  and  she  put  the 
interrogatory  direct. 

"  Are  you  the  spirit  of  a  male  or  female?" 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    133 

No  rap. 

She  repeated  the  question,  but  the  ghost  was  mute. 
"  I  should  be  extremely  gratified,  sir,  to  learn  whether  the 
spirit  you  have  called,  belongs  to  the  masculine  or  feminine 
gender  ?" 

"  It  is  not  lest  for  you  to  know  noio"  he  replied.  "  The 
spirits  do  sometimes  refuse  to  rap  when  it's  improper  or  inex- 
pedient. I  will  inquire  if  it  is  proper  for  you  to  know  what 
you  ask  for.  Shall  I  tell  ?"  asked  he  of  the  spirits,  mentally. 

One  tremendous  rap. 

"  Keally,  I  can  see  no  impropriety  in  my  interrogatory," 

said  Miss  B .    "  I  am  a  sincere  inquirer,  and  actuated  by  the 

purest  motives.     An  answer  would  afford  me  much  pleasure, 
and  it  might  greatly  conduce  to  the  benefit  of  the  human  race." 

"  The  spirit  would  not  refuse  to  answer  me,  if  I  should  press 
it ;  but  then  it  knows  what  is  best,  and  don't  like  to  be  urged. 
Ask  any  thing  else,  and  you  shall  have  an  answer." 

"  Will  the  spirit  communicate  with  me  ?"  said  Miss  B . 

Rap,  rap,  rap,  in  the  affirmative. 

"  Are  the  '  spheres '  inhabited  by  any  but  human  and  angelic 
spirits  ?" 

No  reply. 

"The  spirit  is  with  me,"  interrupted  the  lecturer  —  his 
fingers  at  the  same  instant  beginning  to  twitch ;  "  the  spirit  is 
with  me  and  want's  to  write." 

Miss  Boston  placed  before  him  note-book  and  pencil,  which 
as  the  amanuensis  of  the  spirits,  he  took  and  wrote, 

"  That  man  with  you  must  not  know  my  gender  at  this 
time." 

12 


134  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"Ask  the  spirit  to  which  sex  I  belong,"  said  Miss  B . 

He  did  so,  but  received  no  response. 

"  There's  something  wrong  in  you  or  your  questions,"  said 
the  medium.  "  I'll  communicate  alone  and  find  out  what  you 
want  to  know,  and  if  not  forbid,  will  tell  you  all  about  it.  I 
must  beg  to  be  excused  now,  for  the  'circle'  are  waiting 
for  me,  and  as  they  have  given  up  their  vocations  and  are 
paying  me  large  wages,  the  spirits  direct  to  meet  them  imme- 
diately. I  hope,  continued  he,  you'll  meet  with  us  to-night." 

"Will  you  be  able,  sir,  to  afford  me  any  light,  at  the  'circle' 
on  the  questions  I  have  propounded  ?" 

"  I  guess  not,  this  evening/'  said  he,  "  as  I  have  so  many 
spirits  promised,  and  they'll  be  disappointed  not  to  be  called." 

"  Can  you  obtain  a  promise,  sir,  in  my  behalf  for  to-morrow 
night  ?" 

"  The  spirits,  ma'am,  inform  me  that  I  must  go  a  once  ;  but 
that  I  may  see  you  here  again  at  three  o'clock  this  afternoon, 
if  you  wish  me  to  ?" 

"  Very  well,  sir,  I  shall  be  happy  to  see  you." 

Miss  B was  alone.  "  In  what  fathomless  mystery  are 

these  things  involved,"  said  she  to  herself,  settling  into  a  state 
of  profound  thought.  The  more  she  reasoned,  and  the  deeper 
her  contemplation,  the  stronger  grew  her  conviction,  that  the 
obscurity  would  be  cleared  up,  and  that  this  controlling  spirit 
alluded  to  by  the  lecturer  would  prove  to  be  none  other  than 
the  spirit  of  the  mermaid. 

Her  meditations  were  interrupted  by  the  return  of  the  lec- 
turer, who,  according  to  appointment,  entered  at  the  exact 
minute. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    135 

"  You  are  very  punctual,  sir,"  said  Miss  B . 

"  Yes,  I  never  carry  any  time-piece.  The  spirits  are  my 
chronometer." 

"Be  seated,  sir,  if  you  please."  He  complied,  when  she 
continued  —  "  Permit  me,  sir,  to  say  frankly,  that  my  purpose 
in  coming  to  this  place,  was  to  make  your  acquaintance,  and 
consult  you  upon  a  matter  of  great  importance.  I  am  an  ad- 
vocate of  '  woman's  rights/  and  a  believer  in  '  spiritual  inter- 
course/ the  two  grandest  themes  of  the  age,  fraught  as  they 
are  with  the  destiny  of  the  world.  And  now  to  come  directly 
to  the  object  of  my  visit,  I  wish  you  to  inform  me,  if  in  your 
power,  whether  or  not  there  is  such  a  being  as  the  spirit  of  a 
Mermaid  in  either  of  the  seven  Spheres ;  and  if  there  be, 
whether  I  can  have  an  interview  with  it?  To  tell  you  the 
truth,  sir,  I  have  met  a  person  —  who,  or  what  he  is,  or  where 
his  residence,  I  know  not  —  to  whom  a  being  purporting  to.  be 
the  spirit  of  a  Mermaid  has  twice  appeared  and  uttered  a 
prophecy,  to  the  effect  that  the  cause  with  which  I  am  identified 
will  soon  prevail.  If  true,  as  he  relates  of  all  supernatural 
revelations  next  to  the  sacred  volume,  it  is  pre-eminently  the 
most  important.  Now  if  such  a  spirit  really  exists,  can  you 
not  learn  the  fact  and  hold  intercourse  with  it  ?" 

"  Of  course  I  can  —  of  course  I  can ;  there  is  nothing  in  all  the 
Spheres  kept  from  me,"  exclaimed  he,  with  pompous  emphasis. 

"  Pray,  sir,  instruct  me  in  this  science  of  spiritology,  that  I 
may  become  an  adept  in  it  like  yourself." 

"Certainly,  certainly,  I  have  no  objection  if  the  spirits 
think  it  proper  ;  I  will  ask  them  at  the  l  circle '  to-night.  At 
any  rate,  I  can  easily  learn  for  myself,  if  there  is  such  a  spirit 


136  LUCY   BOSTON. 

as  you  speak  of,  and  I  can  talk  with  it,  but  it  may  refuse  com- 
munication with  any  one  else,  and  forbid  my  telling  what  it 
reveals  to  me." 

"  If  there  is  a  Mermaid  spirit,"  persisted  she,  "  it  has  ap- 
peared twice  to  mortal  eyes ;  and  if  I  can  but  be  satisfied  of  its 
existence,  it  will  afford  me  great  relief." 

"  0  well,  I'll  tell  you  that  much  most  any  time." 

"  And  will  you  become  my  preceptor  in  this  mystic  art  ?  I 
am  anxious  to  become  a  scholar." 

"  I  will  advise  with  the  spirits  as  to  that,  and  let  you  know," 
said  he. 

Assuming  the  spiritually  communicative  or  interlocutory 
posture  for  a  short  time,  he  opened  his  eyes  and  announced  that 
he  would  give  her  lessons,  telling  her,  however,  he  was  so  pre- 
occupied, that  it  was  impossible  for  him  to  attend  to  her  case 
then,  but  at  his  earliest  convenience  he  would  gladly  spend  a 
few  days  at  her  residence,  when  he  would  teach  her  the  whole 
secret,  and  no  doubt  she  would  become  as  perfect  a  Medium 
as  himself. 

She  remarked  that  her  chief  anxiety  was  to  know  if  there 
was  such  a  spirit  as  she  had  described,  and  if  no  light  could  be 
shed  upon  that  point  at  the  "  circle,"  perhaps  she  had  better  not 
attend,  as  her  presence  might  be  an  impediment  to  their  success. 

"There  is  not  the  least  danger  of  that,"  said  he,  "as  the 
spirits  have  promised  to  come,  and  they  never  disappoint  me; 
besides,  I  have  just  received  intelligence  from  the  seventh  Sphere, 
that  it  is  decidedly  best  for  you  to  Represent." 

"  How  long  do  you  think,  sir,  it  will  require  for  me  perfectly 
to  master  the  science  of  Spirit-calling  ?" 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    137 

"  O,  not  long,  an  apt  scholar  will  do  it  very  quick." 

"  Can  you  not  then,  sir,  meet  me  here  to-morrow  morning 
and  give  me  the  introductory  lesson  ?" 

"  I  hardly  know  what  to  say,  ma'am ;  I'll  ask  the  spirits"  — 
whereupon  closing  his  eyes,  and  moving  his  lips  a  moment,  he 
announced  that  he  would  comply  with  her  request  and  meet 
her  at  nine  o'clock,  adding  that  she  had  better  attend  the 
"circle"  in  the  evening,  which  she  promised  to  do. 

Evening  came.  She  found  her  way  to  the  cottage — she 
found  her  way  into  the  room,  and  found  herself  a  seat.  Prob- 
ably  the  "rappers"  trace  localities  and  form  acquaintances 
magnetically,  and  hence  no  need  of  directories  or  guide-boards, 
and  wherever  there  is  the  homogeneous  state,  or  magnetic  con- 
geniality of  pure  "  spiritualism,"  it  generates  a  consciousness, 
at  once  mutual  and  all-pervading,  like  the  equalized  polarity  of 
the  particles  of  the  load-stone.  In  such  cases,  there  is  an  in- 
tuitive recognition  and  equilibrium  of  thought  between  the 
individuals ;  but  where,  in  either  or  all  of  the  parties,-  there  is 
wanting  a  psychological  affinity,  in  the  spiritual  sense,  percep- 
tion is  obscure,  and  a  mutual  acquaintance  can  only  be  formed 
by  means  of  a  formal  introduction.  Hence  the  apparent 

lack  of  civility  to  Miss  B .  Not  that  the  " rappers"  were 

ignorant  or  destitute  of  true  politeness ;  but  feeling  her  to  be 
a  ripe  subject  for  the  spiritual  influence,  they  left  her  to  sub- 
side spontaneously  into  essential  coincidence  with  the  unity  of 
the  "  circle." 

The  room  was  soon  comfortably  filled.  A  general  serious- 
ness predominated.  Little  was  said.  Everything  appeared 
systematic,  doubtless  in  accordance  with  the  spiritual  pro- 
12* 


138  LUCY    BOSTON. 

gramme.  No  attention  was  paid  to  Miss  B ,  who  sat  in  a 

corner  apparently  unobserved.  All  at  length  were  gathered 
around  the  table,  save  their  invited  guest. 

Portentous  silence  reigned.  Our  heroine  was  both  anxious 
and  awe-struck  at  the  solemnity  of  the  scene.  What  awful 
thoughts  crowded  upon  her  mind !  Spirits  from  the  eternal 
world  returning  to  the  earth  and  about  to  hold  audible  inter- 
course with  mortals  !  And  what  spirits  ?  Some  of  them  per- 
haps her  departed  friends ! 

Anon,  one  of  the  Mediums  dropped  his  chin  upon  his 
breast —  presently  another,  and  then  a  third,  and  so  on,  at  dif- 
erent  points  in  the  "  ring,"  indicating  the  arrival  of  the  spirits. 

The  lecturer,  sitting  at  the  head  of  the  table  as  spiritual 
moderator,  directed  hands  to  be  unloosed,  which  was  instantly 
done.  Going  round  to  those  enjoying  a  tete-a-tete  with  their 
invisible  guests,  he  made  a  few  "  passes,"  muttered  a  sort  of 
spiritual  hocus  pocus,  then  pronouncing  them  ready  for  com- 
munications, asked  — 

"  Are  there  any  spirits  present  ?" 

Great  variety  of  rapping  and  writing. 

"  What  spirits  are  present  ?" 

Medium  A instantly  wrote  "  Goliah,  Julius  Caesar, 

Napoleon  Bonaparte,  and  Prince  Nincompoopowsky." 

Medium  B wrote  Baron  Mon  Chausen,  Sam  Patch,  and 

Kip  Van  Winkle. 

Medium  C ,  a  precocious  schoolboy,  seizing  his  peu, 

dashed  down,  in  daring  roundhand,  "  Sinbad  the  Sailor,  Ro- 
binson Crusoe,  Old  Mother  Hubbard,  and  The  Babes  in  the 
Woods." 


FOLLIES    OP   THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    139 

Of  the  rapping  mediums  he  inquired — 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  John  Randolph  present  ?" 

No  rap. 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  Henry  Clay  present  ?" 

No  rap. 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  Daniel  Webster  present?" 

No  rap. 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  Dr.  Franklin  here  ?" 

Three  raps. 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  General  Washington  here  ?" 

Rap  —  rap  —  rap. 

"  Are  the  spirits  of  Adam  and  Eve  present  ?" 

The  table  bowed  and  courtesied  at  the  same  time.  At  this 
point  the  alphabet  was  called,  when  several  rapped  out  the 
names  of  "  Mammon,"  "  Witch  of  Endor,"  "  Balaam,"  and 
"  Beelzebub." 

"  Is  there  any  other  spirit  present?"  asked  he. 

A  strong  but  gentle  rapping  in  the  affirmative,  manifestly 
by  a  female  spirit. 

"Is  it  the  spirit  of  Queen  Elizabeth?" 

One  rap. 

"  Of  Mary,  Queen  of  Scots  ?" 

One  rap. 

"  Of  Pocahontas  ? 

One  rap. 

"  Of  Jemima  Wilkinson  ?" 

One  rap. 

"  Of  Queen  Dido  ?" 

One  rap. 


140  LUCY    BOSTON 

"  Of  Pharaoh's  Daughter  ?" 

One  rap. 

"Of  Jezebel?" 

One  spiteful  rap. 

From  this  the  lecturer  went  on  mentioning  name  after  name, 
exhausting  his  entire  list  of  the  departed,  and  to  each  of  which 
he  received  a  negative  answer.  Judging  from  the  last  rap,  the 
spirit  was  evidently  enraged  to  think  it  could  not  be  called. 
Miss  Boston  requested  him  to  ask  if  it  was  not  the  spirit  of  a 
Mermaid,  which  he  refused  to  do,  on  the  ground  that  he  knew 
it  was  not. 

"  Because,"  said  he,  "  they  always  tell  me  in  advance  when 
they  are  coming.  Her  name  has  slipped  my  mind  just  now, 
but  I  will  consult  my  guardian  spirit,  and  find  out  what  one 
it  is."  Whereupon  at  his  refusal  to  put  the  question,  the 
chairs,  with  the  exception  of  Miss  Boston's,  all  flew  bottom 
upwards,  spilling  their  occupants  headlong,  while  the  table, 
walking  up  in  pugilistic  style,  fetched  the  lecturer  a  furious 
blow  under  the  left  peeper,  knocking  him  flat  upon  the  floor. 
"  0,  what  a  falling  down  was  there,  my  countrymen  !" 

Miss  Boston  continued  a  quiet  spectator  of  the  unique  de- 
monstration. Speedily  as  possible,  the  prostrate  "  circle" 
gathered  themselves  up,  and  carrying  their  wounded  leader  to 
another  room,  the  spirit  of  Esculapius  was  importunately  but 
vainly  invoked  to  obtain  a  spiritual  prescription. 

The  circle  of  course  was  broken  up  for  the  evening.  Miss 
Boston  left,  strongly  impressed  that  if  her  request  had  been 
granted,  she  would  have  heard  from  the  spirit  of  the  mermaid. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

"  The  orer  curious  are  not  oyer  wise." 

"Trifles,  light  as  air, 
Are,  to  the  jealous,  confirmations  strong 
As  proofs  of  holy  writ." 

WILSON  and  our  bachelor,  enjoying  the  scenery  and  pure 
air  of  the  country,  reached  home  late  in  the  afternoon. 

Numerous  were  the  calls  at  Mr.  Badger's  room,  and  great 
the  inquiry  made  for  him  during  the  day,  by  the  prominent 
portion  of  the  female  population,  most  of  whom  left  their 
cards  with  urgent  requests  to  see  him  as  soon  as  possible  after 
his  return.  Brought  thus  suddenly  into  notoriety,  like  many 
of  Fortune's  favorites,  he  was  in  extensive  demand  among  the 
ladies,  both  young  and  old.  This  afforded  capital  stock  for  a 
rich  investment  of  Wilson's  wit,  and  industriously  did  he  im- 
prove it,  to  the  extent  of  his  ample  capacity  and  the  availa- 
bility of  the  market. 

The  mantua-maker  had  plied  her  needle  with  surprising  dex- 
terity, and  the  new  dress  stitched  in  detail  and  basted  in  the 
main,  was  fast  approaching  a  readiness  for  ascertaining  the  "  fit." 

The  community,  far  and  near,  had  been  thrown  into  a  par- 
oxysm of  excitement  by  the  issue  of  the  village  paper.  Exten- 
sive gatherings  had  been  mustered,  and  the  awful  city  of  New 

(141) 


142  LUCY   BOSTON. 

York  denounced  and  anathematized  by  the  wholesale.  The 
"Tetrabune"  and  "  Seasons,"  the  only  "  city  papers"  (a  single 
copy  of  each)  taken  in  the  place,  had  arrived,  bringing  an 
account  of  the  great  meeting  in  the  Tabernacle,  to  the  neigh- 
borhood of  readers,  but  which  was  not  clearly  understood  by 
them ;  nor  had  they  discovered  the  relation  between  the  notice 
that  occasioned  the  excitement,  and  the  convention.  Such  in 
general  was  the  posture  of  affairs.  The  editor's  wife  called  on 
Mr.  Badger  in  the  evening,  to  gather  the  "  very  latest "  news 
for  the  forth-coming  issue  of  the  National  Bulletin. 

The  editress,  pro  tern.,  was  either  feverishly  excited,  or  else 
propelled  by  extreme  nervous  energy,  which  no  doubt  was 
measurably  increased  on  the  return  of  the  senior  editor — alias, 
her  husband ;  for,  according  to  report,  he  had  elevated  her,  or, 
in  common  parlance,  "  blowed  her  up,"  for  the  insertion  of  her 
editorial  of  the  preceding  week.  He  had  also  written  a 
"leader,"  explanatory  of  the  said  article,  shifting  the  entire 
responsibility  of  it  upon  bis  associate  editress. 

As  before  observed,  the  editor's  wife  sought  friend  Badger 
to  obtain  a  fresh,  full,  and  authentic  description  of  the  "  wo- 
man's rights  "  convention,  with  which  to  astonish  the  readers 
of  the  National  Bulletin.  He  favored  her  with  a  minute 
exposition  of  the  whole  affair,  and  also  of  what  was  shortly 
coming  to  pass,  and  when  she  would  be  installed  sole  occupant 
of  the  editorial  chair. 

Astonished  and  delighted,  she  had  passed  from  Mr.  B -'a 

to  Mrs.  Wilson's  room.  Soon  the  editor  himself  called,  and  in- 
quiring for  our  illustrious  old  bachelor,  was  told  by  Kate  (who 
did  not  recognize  him)  that  he  was  "  in  his  room,  for  a  long 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    143 

time,  with  the  idithur's  wife."  Kepresenting  his  business  as 
urgent,  and  insisting  upon  being  showed  up  immediately,  the 
chamber-maid  led  the  way  and  rapped  at  the  door,  which,  after 
a  little  delay,  swung  on  its  hinges. 

"How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Badger?"  said  the  typo;  "I  hope  no 
intrusion,  but  you  seem  to  be  alone  this  evening." 

"  Yes,  just  now  —  walk  in,  walk  in,  sir." 

"A  divil  a  bit  is  he  alone,  sir  —  the  iditor's  wife  is  there, 
sure,  an  has  been  iver  so  long,  an  faith  she  has,  sir,"  imperti- 
nently persisted  Kate,  who  overheard  the  conversation. 

"  Your  wife  was  here  a  minute  ago,  and  has  just  gone  home," 
replied  Amaziah. 

"  That  is  a  mistake,  sir.  I  have  this  moment  come  from 
there ;  besides,  she  could  not  have  made  her  exit  unseen  by  the 
servant.  I  should  have  felt  no  surprise,  under  the  circum- 
stances, to  find  my  wife  here,  Mr.  Badger ;  but  the  fact  of  her 
concealment  necessarily  excites  my  surprise,  if  not  suspicion. 
Will  you  allow  me,  sir,  to  survey  your  apartment  ?  " 

"  Just  as  leave  you  would  as  not,  but  you  won't  find 
nothing." 

He  availed  himself  of  the  permission,  but  there  was  clearly 
an  "  alibi  "  in  the  case,  and  the  search  was  suspended,  when 
Kate,  with  her  native  impudence  and  pertinacity,  repeated  : 

"  An  faith,  sir,  she's  there,  sure.     By  my  sowl  she  is,  sir." 

Whereupon,  with  the  characteristic  sagacity  of  his  class, 
whose  prerogative  it  is  to  bring  hidden  things  to  light,  Mr. 
Printer  recommenced  a  more  scrutinizing  investigation  of  the 
premises,  when,  as  if  with  an  intuitive  perception  of  the 
sources  of  evidence,  he  drew  forth  from  its  secrecy  a  night-cap, 


144  LUCY   BOSTON. 

and  holding  it  up,  with  an  air  of  triumph,  before  the  eyes  of 
the  petrified  bachelor,  demanded,  "  What  is  this,  sir  ?  Can 
you  tell  me  the  owner  ?  " 

"It  must  be  the  dress-maker's,"  replied  Badger,  coloring 
with  confusion. 

"  The  dress-maker's  !    What  dress-maker  ?  " 

"  She's  sewing  for  Mrs.  Wilson." 

"  I'll  see  about  this,"  said  the  printer,  starting  down  stairs 
with  the  suspicious  article  in  his  hand.  Arriving  at  the  hall 
door,  he  met  Kate,  and  inquired,  "  Where's  the  dress-maker  ?" 

"  In  Mrs.  Wilson's  room,  sure,  sir." 

11  Is  there  any  one  else  there  ?  " 

"  Niver  a  one  but  Mrs.  Wilson,  sure." 

Gathering  the  cap  into  a  wad  in  his  hand,  and  availing  him- 
self of  his  accustomed  intimacy  with  the  family,  he  entered 
with  but  little  ceremony.  Not  observing  his  wife,  who  chanced 
to  be  sitting  partly  behind  the  door,  he  advanced  towards  the 
ill-fated  seamstress,  and  commenced  unfolding  the  unconscious 
cause  of  the  brewing  tempest.  Hip  wife  springing  forward, 
snatched  it  from  his  grasp,  spitefully  exclaiming : 

"  I'll  let  you  know,  sir,  when  I  want  you  to  wear  my  cap !" 

"  Ah  !  is  that  yours,  my  dear?  Perhaps  you  had  better  ex- 
amine it." 

"  It  isn't  very  likely,  sir,  you'd  have  any  woman's  cap  lut 
mine.  Let  me  see  though  (edging  towards  the  window  and 
fingering  it  with  great  scrutiny);  as  sure  as  I  live  it  aint 
mine.  Now,  sir,  I'd  like  to  know  who  that  belongs  to ;  you 
don't  get  it  again  till  you  tell  me,  or  I  find  out  how  you  came 
by  it." 


FOLLIES   OP   THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    145 

u  You  say  it  is  not  youths,  my  dear,  and  that  is  all  that 
concerns  myself.  Please  hand  it  back  to  me  and  I  will  re- 
turn it" 

"  7am  not  satisfied,  sir,  if  you  are.  Very  far  from  it.  I 
prefer  to  return  it  to  the  owner  myself,  if  you  will  only  tell  me 
who  she  is.  You  can't  have  it  again,  at  any  rate." 

"  Beally  I  think  there  is  something  very  suspicious  about 
this  matter,"  said  Mrs.  W . 

"  So  do  I  think  so,  too,"  said  the  printer's  wife. 

1 '  And  so  do  I,"  chimed  in  the  mantua-maker. 

tl  Now,  whose  cap  is  this  ?  "  demanded  Mrs.  Printer  of  her 
senior  partner.  I'll  find  out  if  I  have  to  advertise  it  in  the 
paper;  that  I  will." 

"  You  will  not  advertise  it  in  the  paper,  my  dear,"  re- 
torted he. 

"I  say  I  will." 

"  I  say  you  will  not" 

"I  would — so  there — if  I  was  in  your  place,"  said  Mrs. 
Wilson."  - 

"  So  would  I,"  reiterated  Miss  Hager. 

"  0,  but  I  should  like  to  see  the  owner  of  that  thing,  though," 
said  the  printer's  wife,  her  eyes  and  tone  giving  momentum  to 
the  words. 

"  "Well,  my  dear,  as  I  exonerate  you  from  all  suspicion,  the 
least  said  about  this  the  better.  I  own  I  was  a  little  too  in- 
clined to  be  jealous.  Who  knows  but  it  belongs  to  Badger. 
Old  bachelors  wear  caps  sometimes,  you  know  j"  at  which  they 
all  set  up  a  hearty  laugh.  His  wife,  pushing  the  investigation, 
fixed  her  piercing  eye  upon  him,  and  holding  the  cap  by  one 
13 


146  LUCY    BOSTOUT, 

string,  as  it  dangled  directly  before  his  face,  put  the  question 
home : 

"  Do  you  pretend  to  say,  sir,  that  that  is  a  man's  cap  ?  Any 
little  girl  knows  better  than  that,"  throwing  it  to  Mrs.  Wilson, 
accompanied  with,  "that's  a  pretty  story  for  him  to  tell;  may 
be  he'll  make  anybody  believe  it." 

"  I've  made  a  thousand  night-caps  for  ladies  and  gentlemen 

both,"  said  Miss  H .  "  Male  caps  aever  have  crowns  in  them 

and  they  are  always  made  l  sheep's  head'  Lord-a-massy,  I  can 
tell  one  as  fur  as  I  can  see  it.  That's  a  female  cap,  I'd  be  bound. 
But  I  don't  believe  its  a  very  good  charactered  woman's  any  how." 

"  Them  is  just  my  sentiments,  or  he  wouldn't  had  it,"  joined 
Mrs.  Wilson,  pointing  at  the  editor  with  a  significant  look.  "  I 
should  like  to  catch  my  husbaad  with  another  woman's  cap, 
I'd " 

"  Oh  »o,  you  wouldn't,  BO  you  wouldn't,  my  dear,"  inter- 
rupted Wilson,  at  that  moment  entering  the  room  aad  catching 
the  last  remark  without  knowiag  its  particular  connection. 
What's  going  on  here  ?  These  women  playing  the  devil  with 
you,  editor  ?  Let's  know.  I  always  call  in  Badger  whenever 
any  thing  is  out  of  joint  with  the  women." 

"  Just  look  here  once,  Mr.  Wilson,"  exclaimed  the  editress, 
showing  him  the  night-cap  —  "My  husband  had  this.  Don't 
you  think  it  looks  mysterious  ?  " 

u  I  do,  most  certainly,"  answered  the  landlord,  affecting  a 
grave  countenance. 

"  So  do  I,"  followed  Mrs.  W ,  with  an  emphatic  nod 

and  an  insinuating  motion  of  the  fore-finger. 


Page  146 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.    147 

"  And  so  do  I,"  said  the  seamstress,  with  the  staid  air  of 
old  maidishness. 

"Well,  well,  editor,"  said  Wilson,  "What  do  you  say! 
Have  they  got  you  ?  Own  up  if  you're  beat." 

"  You  won't  catch  him  owning  to  any  thing,  I  know  him  of 
old,"  declared  Mrs.  Printer. 

"  I'll  tell  you  how  to  find  out  all  about  it,"  said  Wilson. 
"  Its  the  simplest  matter  in  the  world.  Just  give  me  the  cap, 
and  deputize  me  with  theupowe?  of  search,"to  go  around  and 
try  it  on  all  the  women's  hea$s,  tm  I  find  the  one  it  fits.  I'd 
like  no  better  job.  Its  sure  ^e  and  no  mistake." 

"  You  wouldn't  try  it  on  my  head,  I  can  tell  you  !"  exclaimed 
Miss  Hager,  with  haughty  disd;!in. 

"  Fraid  'twould  fit,  I  guess.  •  £.et*s  take  it,"  said  Wilson. 
"  It  strikes  me  I  have  met  with  this  pattern  before.  Wife,  let 
us  see  how  it  shapes  with  your  block  (playfully  putting  it  on 
her  head)  ;  not  a  very  bad  fit.  What  say  you,  Mr.  Editor  ? 
Don't  that  look  rather  natural?" 

"  I  never  saw  it  on  a  woman's  head  before,"  returned  he,  a 
little  confused. 

"  Now,  Miss  Hager,  its  your  turn,"  said  Wilson  jocosely,  ap- 
proaching her,  cap  in  hand. 

"  You  won't  put  that  dirty  thing  on  my  head,  so  now  just 
let  me  alone,  Mr.  Wilson.  This  dress  must  be  finished  and 
I'll  thank  you  not  to  bother  me." 

"  Do,  for  pity  sake,  let  him  try  it  on,  if  it  will  do  him  any 
good,"  interposed  both  the  ladies  at  once,  to  which  she  reluc- 
tantly submitted.  " 


148  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Placing  it  with  precision  upon  her  crown  and  tying  it  neatly 
in  a  double  bow-knot  under  her  chin —  "There,  editor" —  ex- 
claimed Wilson,  stepping  back  to  obtain  a  fair  view — "that 
looks  a  little  more  like  it.  If  she  only  had  her  curls  off,  I 
should  call  that  made  on  purpose.  No  wonder  she  was  afraid. 
Glad  it  don't  fit  my  wife  so  well.  What  do  you  say,  ladies?  " 

They  cast  ominous  glances  at  each  other,  but  made  no 
reply. 

"I  am  satisfied  it  is  hers,"  said  the  editor;  '"Mr.  Badger 
told  me  it  was." 

"  Miss  Hager,"  demanded  the,lady  printer — "  tell  me,  is  that 
your  cap  ?" 

"  And  that's  just  what  I'd  like  to  ask,"  said  the  landlady. 

"I  don't  know  as  I  care  much  about  it,  any  way — magnifi- 
cent fit  though,"  observed  Wilson. 

"/care  a  good  deal  about  it,"  said  Mrs.  W . 

"  And  me  too,"  said  the  editor's  wife.  "  I  began  to  mis- 
trust her  when  she  refused  to  try  it  on.  There's  evidence 
enough  to  convict  her." 

"  I  suspected  as  much  ;  and  what  did  he  come  in  here  for,  if 
it  wasn't  to  give  it  to  her?"  said  Mrs.  W . 

"  Mercy  to  me,  it  is  my^ap,  as  true  as  the  world,"  cried 

Miss  H ,  suddenly  recognizing  her  own  property.  "  Where 

on  earth  did  I  lose  it  ?  Where  did  you  find  it  ?  It  cost  me 
two-and-sixpence." 

"  I  came  across  it " 

"I  guess  you  did,"  interrupted  his  wife. 

"I  guess  he  did  too,"  said  the  landlady. 

"  May  be  you  want  such  a  sower,  but  /wouldn't  have  her  in 


FOLLIES   OP   THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    149 

my  house,"  said  the  editress,  with  a  toss  of  the  head,  and  a 
curl  of  the  lip. 

"  I  must  have  my  dress  done  for  Sunday,"  replied  Mrs. 

W ;  "I  can't  go  to  church  without  it.     I  wore  my  black 

silk  last  Sabbath,  you  know. 

"  Yes,  it  looked  real  nice;  I  should  just  as  leave  as  not  wear 
it  again,  if  I  was  you,"  said  Mrs.  Editor. 

"  I  wouldn't  be  seen  in  it  again  at  church,  for  nothing,"  re- 
plied she. 

Wilson  sat  listening  and  studying  how  he  might  extract  the 
greatest  amount  of  sport  from  the  nocturnal  chapeau,  and 
amid  the  momentary  lull  of  the  storm,  broke  forth  again : 
"  Well,  we  have  discovered  the  ownership  of  the  skull-cap ; 
now  let's  see  if  we  can  also  discover  how  it  fell  into  our  edi- 
tor's possession.  Come,  Mr.  Typo,  you  are  in*  close  quarters. 
Look  out  you  don't  get  turned  into  'pi.'  These  women  are 
great  on  pastry.  But  you  editors  belong  to  the  '  Argos ' 
tribe  and  have  always  eyes  enough  to  see  and  pluck  enough  to 
press  your  way  clear  of  any  catastrophe.  So  let's  see  how 
many  colors  you  can  change,  and  what  kind  of  shapes  you  can 
take  to  worm  yourself  out  of  this  '  fix.'  " 

"  Well,  I  confess,  that  appearances  are  against  me,  but  the 
facts  are  in  my  favor." 

"  0,  yes,  bravo  !  It  appears  that  you  have  trespassed  upon 
the  wardrobe  of  some  defenseless  maiden,  and  the  facts  are, 
you  are  caught  with  the  property,  and  you  don't  deny  it. 
Now,  ichcre  did  you  find  tJie  cap,  that's  the  question,"  said 
Wilson. 

"  Ask  Miss  Hager  where  r>he  left  it." 
13* 


150  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  Well,  that's  honest.  He  is  willing  to  have  the  whole  truth 
come  out.  Where  then  did  you  leave  it,  Miss  Hager  ?  " 

"  Under  my  pillow,  of  course.  Where  do  ladies  generally 
keep  their  night-caps  ?  " 

"  Nobly  said.  That's  where  she  left  it— under  Tier  pittoic. 
Now,  Mr.  Printer,  where  did  you  yet  it?  " 

"  Well,  if  you  must  know  the  truth,  which  proves  my  inno- 
cence, I  will  tell  you.  I  found  it  under  Badger's  pillow." 

"  Mercy  !  mercy  ! "  cried  the  editor's  wife,  horror-stricken. 
"  She  left  it  where  she  sleeps,  and  he  found  it  in  Badger's  bed  ! 
Do  you  allow  such  things  in  your  house,  Mrs.  Wilson  ?  I 
didn't  think  that  of  you,  or  you  wouldn't  've  catched  me  com- 
ing here.  I  'sposed  this  was  a  respectable  house.  But  I'm 
satisfied  now.  Come,  husband,  let's  get  away  as  soon  as  possi- 
ble, and  I  think  its  your  real  duty  to  expose  the  whole  of  'em 
in  the  paper,  to  warn  respectable  people  against  such  a  board- 
ing house  as  this  is.  Its  a  disgrace  to  the  place,  and  I " 

"  My  good  wife,"  interrupted  the  printer,  "  hold  up  a 
bit.  Let  us  not  get  too  fast.  This  little  piece  of  wearing  ap- 
parel is  raising  a  great  '  rumpus.'  So  trifling  a  thing  is  of  but 
little  consequence  after  all,  if  you  will  only  reflect  a  moment. 
First,  it  made  me  a  little  suspicious  of  you,  and  then  it  made 
you  more  suspicious  of  me.  Now  those  suspicions  are  aban- 
doned, and  you  dare  to  criminate  a  whole  household  by  this 
same  insignificant  item  of  a  night-cap,  about  which  you  and  I 
know  nothing,  and  about  which  it  is  none  of  our  business  to 
know  any  thing.  Curiosity,  everlastingly  on  tip-toe,  leads  the 
women  into  foolish  jealousy.  They  are  good  in  their  sphere, 
and » 


ofr   THIS   XlXtH   GENTRY.    151 

*<  You  needn't  go  to  railing  about  the  women  noX?,"  broke  in 

Mrs.  W >  "  I  ain't  a  bit  o'  doubt  you>;d  glory  to  see  us  all 

fcrod  under  foot  just  like  them  poor  women  in  New  York." 

"  Yes,  that  he  would,  just  like  all  the  rest  of  the  goad-for- 
aothin  men,"  sputtered  the  dress-maker. 

"  I  don't  believe  any  such  thing  of  ffiy  Husband,  I'd  have 
you  understand,"  retorted  the  editress,  in  a  tone  of  auger, 
<l  I  think,  husband,  we  better  knoic  who  we  associate  with 
«.fter  this.  Come,  let  us  go  home." 

•"  I  should  like  to  hear  the  whole  joke  of  the  cap  first,"  said 
the  editor  good  naturedly. 

<(That  would  spoil  the  fun.  Its  just  right  as  it  is,  if  the 
tell-tale  skull-cap  can  be  replaced  where  he  got  it.  Its  mis- 
tress might  take  cold  without  it  to-night,"  interposed  Wilson, 
with  a  wink  and  a  laugh. 

*'  There  —  I  guess  you're  satisfied  now.  I  am  at  any  rate. 
Did  you  ever  see  any  thing  so  barefaced  ?  Come,  husband, 
how  can  you  stay  any  longer  ?  If  I  wasn't  afraid  to  go  alone, 
you  wouldn't  catch  me  here  another  minute,"  expostulated  the 
editor's  help-mate. 

'  0,  wife,  we  have  gone  so  far,  let  us  stay  and  have  it  all 
'out'  now.  You  will  have  the  more  facts  to  publish  in  the 
paper,  you  know." 

Mrs.  W ~,  having  been  in  close  privacy  with  the  mantua- 

maker  for  some  moments,  failed  to  catch  a  full  sense  of  the 
preceding  imputations  upon  the  character  of  her  house,  a  pro- 
pitious circumstance,  doubtless,  for  Mrs.  Printer. 

Wilson  had  greatly  enjoyed  the  scene,  for  nothing  made 
richer  music  in  his  anomalous  ear  than  the  modulations  of  a 


152  LTJCT   BOSTON. 

•woman's  tongue  under  the  inspiration  of  a  scolding  fit.  De- 
sirous of  prolonging  the  feast  of  fun,  he  looked  the  printer's 
"  devil"  in  the  eye  with  a  squint,  saying, 

"  You  have  not  the  pleasure  of  a  particular  acquaintance 
with  our  old  Bach.,  I  take  it.  Allow  me  to  introduce  you  to 
his  apartments.  He  has  just  returned  from  New  York,  and  if 
you  would  like  a  private  interview  with  him,  he  can  give  you 
abundant  and  useful  information  about  the  great  convention. 
Come,"  said  he,  urgently  offering  his  arm/7  III  present  you  in 
style.  He's  becoming  a  great  favorite  with  the  fair  sex." 

"  I  thank  you,  sir,"  replied  she,  drawing  back,  and  gather- 
ing herself  into  the  narrowest  possible  compass  of  insulted 
modesty — "I  have  sufficient  acquaintance  with  Mr.  Badger 
now.  If  I'd  only  known  as  much  before,  I'd  never  disgraced 
myself  in  going  to  his  room." 

"  0  ho  ! "  ejaculated  Wilson.  You  know  him  then  I  Have 
been  closeted  with  him,  eh  !  What  do  you  think  of  that, 
wife?" 

"  I  think  we  had  better  know  who  comes  to  our  house  after 
this." 

"  I  solemnly  protest,"  said  the  editress,  "  there  was  not  the 
slightest  impropriety — " 

"  Of  course,  of  course,  nothing  improper,''  interrupted 
Wilson,  with  a  significant  air —  "  all  right,  all  right." 

"But  to  sum  up,"  continued  he,  "I  think  this  subject  of 
cop-ology  is  pretty  well  exhausted,  and  as  we  have  all  had  our 
chance  of  '  showing  off,'  I  propose  calling  in  Mr.  Badger,  and 
he  and  Miss  Hager  will  unravel  the  whole  mystery  for  us.  I 
guess  it  don't  amount  to  any  thing  very  serious  after  all." 


01*   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    153 

"Agreed,"  cried  the  editor,  jumping  up  and  clapping  his 
hands  in  great  glee.  "  What  do  you  say  to  that  Miss  H ?" 

"  Must  we  tell  the  whole  ?"  asked  she,  hesitatingly. 

"  0  no,  not  at  all,"  replied  Wilson.  "  Only  how  your 
night-cap  got  under  the  old  bachelor's  pillow.  That  is  the  only 
trouble  now. 

"  For  my  part,  /  should  like  to  know  the  whole,"  said  the 
editor's  wife. 

"  My  dear,"  said  her  husband,  "  you  should  not  always  be 
prying  into  other  people's  affairs.  That  is  one,  and  I  may  say 
the  great  thing,  in  connection  with  their  jealous  disposition, 
which  renders  the  women  so  frequently  ridiculous  in  the  esti- 
mation of  mankind.  They  have  the  capacity,  and  for  aught 
I  know,  might  have  ruled  the  world  ere  this,  had  they  not  been 
forever  burdened  with  the  business  of  their  neighbors.  They 
have  just  had  a  great  convention  in  New  York,  and  which 
turned  out  one  of  the  most  ridiculous  farces  ever  enacted." 

Thus  waxing  warm,  he  was  interrupted  by  his  fair  auditors. 
They  could  not  withstand  such  hot  shot.  But  claiming  the 
floor,  he  continued  — 

"  Now  suppose  this  cap  business  should  all  turn  out  to  be  an 
innocent  mistake  —  as  no  doubt  it  will,  though  I  confess.  I 
acted  a  little  womanish  myself —  we  may  draw  a  very  useful 
moral  from  it;  that  people  should  not  put  an  unfavorable  con- 
struction upon  every  little  circumstance  that  may  happen- to 
appear  mysterious.  Stop,  stop,  stop,"  said  he,  as  his  wife  and 

Mrs.  W attempted  to  interrupt  him,  <|  I  have  the  floor, 

and  claim  the  right  of  being  heard  without  interruption,"  and 
then  continued —  "Let  us  now  sit  down,  my  dear,  and  have 


154  LUCY  BOSTON. 

this  night*cap  mystery  cleared  up,  and  if  it  be  satisfactorily 
done,  say  so;  and  if  not,  it  is  none  of  our  business.  Miss 
Hager  can  give  us  a  clear  solution  of  this  dark  problem,  and 
she  seems  willing  to  do  so— are  you  not?"  asked  he,  turning 
to  her.  The  seamstress,  deeply  absorbed  just  then  in  laying 
the  plaits  of  the  dress,  did  not  heed  his  remarks. 

"  Miss  Hager,  can  you  tell  how  that  cap  came  in  Mr.  Badger's 
room  ?"  demanded  the  editor's  wife  with  a  tone  of  authority. 

"  Why  I  slept  there,  by  Mrs.  Wilson's  direction,  when  he 
was  gone  to  New  York,  and  I  left  it  under  the  pillow,  through 
mistake,  and  —  " 

"  There,"  exclaimed  the  printer,  cutting  her  short,  "  this 
dreadful  mystery  is  all  explained.  A  mere  innocent  and  harm- 
less mistake,  for  which  nobody  is  harmed.  I  am  profited  by 
it,  and  I  hope  we  all  are.  What  an  admirable  commentary 
upon  woman !  How  admirably  qualified  she  is  to  weigh  and 
dispose  of  the  great  questions  of  church  and  state !  This 
single  occurrence  alone  is  sufficient  to  convince  the  world  of 
the  folly  of  this  'latter  day'  scheme  of  'woman's  rights.'" 

"Query,"  said  Wilson.  "If  one  stray  night-cap  makes 
such  a  rumpus  now,  while  the  bars  are  up  between  the  sexes, 
what  may  we  expect  when  the  bars  are  taken  down  and  all  are 
turned  together  into  the  great  pen  of  '  woman's  rights,'  when 
it  will  require  a  magnifying  glass  to  tell  the  difference  between 
a  man  and  a  woman." 

It  was  getting  late.  The.  editor  and  his  wife  departed,  and 
Miss  H retired  to  sleep  and  dream  in  her  night-cap. 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

"Wonders  never  cease." 

¥E  left  Miss  Boston  returning  to  the  hotel  from  the  "cir- 
cle," having  witnessed  a  striking  and  most  forcible 
demonstration  of  a  rapping  spirit.  As  before  observed,  our 
Bloomer  was  a  woman  of  striking  good  sense,  given  to  sober, 
calm,  reflection.  Though  reason  frequently  led  her  to  the  verge 
of  infidelity  in  relation  to  this  new-fangled  doctrine  of  Spirit- 
ualism, yet  like  many  others  as  intelligent  as  herself,  she 
yielded  to  the  belief  that  beneath  the  whole,  there  lay  con- 
cealed some  great  natural  law,  some  elementary  principle  or 
fact  which  was  beginning  to  discover  itself  in  the  development 
of  human  progress.  This  conviction  taking  possession  of  the  ; 
mind,  it  was  easy  to  conclude  that  the  very  mystery  of  the 
thing  was  presumptive  evidence  in  its  favor,  and  the  greater 
the  mystery,  the  more  likely  to  contain  the  elements  of  truth. 
The  occurrence  at  the  "circle"  was  well  calculated  to  be  taken 
as  fresh  and  even  conclusive  evidence,  not  only  of  the  reality 
of  "  Spirit-rappings,"  but  also  of  the  actual  existence  of  the 
spirit  of  the  Mertmiid.  And  why  should  she  doubt?  -Her 
confidence  in  the  lecturer  —  to  use  the  paradoxical  expression 
—  was  both  increased  and  diminished  ;  increased  by  the  fact 
that  he  had  procured  palpable  "  manifestations,"  or  at  least 
(155) 


156  LUCY    BOSTON. 

what  appeared  to  be  such j  diminished  because  she  was  sat- 
isfied he  had  not  the  dominion  of  the  Spheres  which  he  claimed 
—  at  all  events,  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid  was  not  controlled 
by  him.  On  the  contrary,  it  had  plainly,  for  some  reason, 
shunned  even  his  acquaintance. 

From  the  window,  Miss  B observed  the  "  rappers  "  in 

frequent  groups,  engaged  in  close  and  earnest  conversation. 
They  wore  a  melancholy,  downcast  look.  Evidently  something 
was  wrong,  either  a  fault  in  the  gearing,  too  much  friction 
for  want  of  spiritual  oil,  or  a  deficiency  in  the  motive  power. 
The  chief  engineer —  in  other  words  the  lecturer — not  showing 
himself  in  the  streets,  Miss  Boston  resolved  to  seek  his  pres- 
ence. Admitted  to  his  room,  she  found  him  bolstered  in  an 
arm  chair,  attended  by  a  subordinate  "rapper,"  whose  guardian 
spirit  was  that  of  an  aged  Indian  doctor,  recently  deceased,  and 
of  which  he  was  endeavoring  to  procure  a  spirito-pathic  pre- 
scription, but  the  old  "medicine  man"  could  not  be  called. 
Probably  he  was  on  a  visit  to  his  spiritual  patients,  or  perhaps 
his  "  ride  "  was  exclusively  super-mundane  —  possibly  he  was 
out,  gathering  roots.  In  his  absence,  and  as  the  nearest  ap- 
proach to  the  spiritual  treatment,  a  homeopathist  was  called  in, 
who,  administering  a  billionth  of  a  grain  of  arnica,  pronounced 
his  patient  convalescent,  and  left  him. 

The  unfortunate  lecturer  did  not  appear  to  be  seriously  in- 
jured. She  wished  him  to  account  for  the  catastrophe  of  the 
preceding  evening.  He  said  he  had  felt  for  a  long  time  the 
existence  of  some  strange  spirit  that  was  anxious  to  communi- 
cate with  him,  and  the  fact  had  fceen  recently  demonstrated 
that  there  were  lying  spirits  in  the  lower  Spheres.  In  confir- 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.    157 

mation  of  this,  he  related  a  circumstance  where  the  spirit  of  a 
person  who,  for  several  years  absent,  and  reported  to  have  died, 
had,  through  a  rapping  Medium,  intruded  itself  upon  their 
"  circle,"  and  given  a  minute  statement  of  his  departure,  travels, 
sickness,  and  death.  Shortly  after,  to  their  great  surprise  and 
consternation,  a  letter  was  received  (by  the  U.  S.  Mail)  from 
the  individual  with  his  own  well-known  signature,  informing 
his  friends  that  he  was  alive  and  in  perfect  health.  He  had 
migrated  to  the  "West"  instead  of  the  "Spheres." 

"  Hence,  we  conclude,"  continued  he,  "  that '  rapping '  spirits 
are  degenerating  into  liars,  but  we  have  never  been  deceived 
by  a  'writing  Medium.'  That  order  therefore  is  perfectly  re- 
liable." 

"  How  do  you  distinguish  between  a  truthful  and  a  lying 
spirit?"  asked  Miss  B . 

"Well,  we  can't  always  do  it,  exactly,  in  regard  to  the 
'rappers/  so  I  have  adopted  the  rule  of  relying  upon  none  but 
*  writing  Mediums '  hereafter.  The  surest  method  is  to  have 
every  thing  in  black  and  white." 

"  Do  all  the  spirits  know  how  to  write  ?" 

"  No ;  but  they  will  practice  till  they  do,  unless  we  gratify 
them  by  giving  attention  to  their  communications." 

"  What  kind  of  a  spirit  do  you  suppose  it  was  that  produced 
the  disorder,  and  finally  committed  assault  and  battery  upon 
you  last  evening  ?" 

"  I  am  not  fully  advertised,  but  I  shall  be  very  soon,"  re- 
plied he. 

"  Are  you  not  afraid  of  repeated  violence  ?" 

"  0  no.  I'm  not  afraid  of  any  thing.  I  have  been  looking 
14 


158  LUCY    BOSTON. 

for  some  such  '  demonstration '  this  long  time.  It  is  all  for  the 
best.  I  wouldn't  have  failed  of  it  for  nothing.  It  will  do 
more  to  open  the  eyes  of  the  blind  and  the  ears  of  the  deaf, 
than  any  thing  else  that  could  happen.  I  long  for  the  oppor- 
tunity of  being  the  Medium  of  another  just  such  '  manifesta- 
tion/ and  in  public  too." 

"  You  have  then,  sir,  no  definite  perception  of  what  spirit 
that  was  ?" 

"  No,  my  face  is  swelled  so,  it  hurts  my  vision  very  much. 
As  quick  as  the  swelling  goes  down,  I  shall  be  able  to  see  as 
clear  as  day." 

"  Can  you  tell  why  I  was  unmolested  while  you  met  with 
such  violence  ?" 

"  I  cannot,  because  it  is  not  proper  for  me  to  know  just  now  ; 
but  I  shall  in  due  time.  It  is  all  for  the  best,  exactly  as  it  is." 

"  Why,  sir,  were  you  unwilling  to  inquire  if  it  was  not  the 
spirit  of  a  Mermaid  ?" 

"I  might  have  done  it,  but  then  you  see  I  shouldn't  have 
had  the  '  demonstration/  A  good  spirit  told  me  to  do  exactly 
as  I  did.  Don't  you  understand?" 

"  But  suppose  it  was  a  spirit.  What  then  ?  Did  you  ever 
know  one  to  come  with  such  vehemence  before  ?" 

"  I  have  never  seen  'em  quite  so  personal,  but  they  often 
lift  tables  and  such  things  with  folks  on  'em  and  carry  'em  all 
about." 

"  Yes  sir,  I  have  heard  of  the  like,  but  only  when  done  by 
special  request,  if  I  mistake  not.  It  seemed  to  me  different  in 
this  case.  You  were  apparently  prostrated  by  some  indignant 
cause.  You  did  not  invite  it,  did  you?" 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    159 

"  Not  aloud.  It  is  just  as  easy  to  think  a  request  or  com- 
mand, as  to  speak  it,  you  know." 

"  Well,  sir,  I  have  told  my  object  in  coming  to  see  you,  nor 
do  I  regret  the  journey.  My  visit  here  has  but  settled  my 
belief  and  increased  my  anxiety.  I  am  now  satisfied  there  is 
among  the  inhabitants  of  the  Spheres,  the  spirit  of  a  Mermaid, 
and  that  a  manifestation  would  have  been  granted,  had  you  simply 
called  for  it.  I  must  now  leave  you,  sir,  and  if  possible  as- 
certain the  person  who  has  been  honored  with  her  communica- 
tions." She  arose  to  depart. 

"  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  madam.  We  are  going  to  have  a 
'  circle'  to-night  but  a  little  ways  from  your  stopping  place, 
and  it  may  be  profitable  for  you  to  attend.  If  you  will  only 
join  us,  like  enough,  your  Mermaid  spirit  may  come,  but  un- 
less it  is  a  l  writing'  one,  I  shall  pronounce  it  false,  and  pay  no 
attention  to  it.  The  <  rappers '  are  not  to  be  trusted." 

"It  strikes  me,  sir,  that  last  night's  'demonstration'  was 
sufficiently  emphatic  to  teach  you  the  danger  of  trifling  with  the 
spirits.  But  my  stay  must  not  be  prolonged.  Good  morn- 
ing, sir." 

Leaving  the  illustrious  invalid  in  something  of  an  uncom- 
fortable or  rather  discomfited  position,  Miss  B took  leave 

for  home. 

Her  last  interview  with  the  lecturer  satisfied  the  good  sense 
of  our  heroine,  at  least  as  to  his  stability,  if  not  his  candor. 
Yet  she  had  no  doubt  of  his  being  a  Medium.  She  was  con- 
vinced, however,  that  Spirit  Rappings  was  no  mere  mechani- 
cal nor  scientific  operation  —  neither  magic  nor  legerdemain. 

The  lecturer,  under  the  combined  efficacy  of  Spiritopathy 


160  LUCY    BOSTON. 

and  Homeopathy,  was  so  far  restored  as  to  be  able  to  meet  the 
"  rappers  "  —  (or  rather  the  "  writers,"  for  he  had  utterly  re- 
pudiated the  former)  —  according  to  appointment.  Great 
excitement  had  prevailed  during  the  day.  The  recent  event 
eclipsed  every  thing  in  the  way  of  "  demonstrations"  ever  before 
recorded  in  the  annals  of  Spiritualism.  The  little  village, 
nestled  among  the  hills,  all  at  once  stood  out  upon  the  map  of 
the  world,  illumined  with  a  halo  of  glory.  Its  pillar  of  fame 
in  the  estimation  of  the  spiritists,  was  reared  conspicuous  and 
lasting  as  Bunker  Hill  Monument,  or  the  pyramids  of  Egypt; 
and  on  it  was  inscribed,  first  and  foremost,  the  name  of  the 
renowned  lecturer,  as  the  benefactor  of  the  world.  No  doubt 
existed  but  theirs  was  the  favorite  "circle"  of  the  spirits, 
chosen  and  immortalized  as  the  inventors  or  revealers  of  spirito- 
pathy,  the  miraculous  "  latter-day"  medical  system  destined 
to  annihilate  and  supersede  all  others;  before  which  all  the 
"  ills  flesh  is  heir  to"  must  vanish  like  mist  before  the  sun, 
and  even  Death  himself  shall  run  and  hide,  afraid,  lest  meeting 
any  of  these  spiritual  Brandreths,  his  rattling  skeleton  should 
take  on  sinews  and  muscles,  and  he  instantly  become  plump 
and  ruddy.  Not  only  must  disease  flee  away  before  their  all- 
healing  art ;  but  dishonesty  and  crime  could  not  escape  their 
spirit  eye.  Farewell,  ye  Old  School  Quacks !  Doctors,  Law- 
yers and  Judges !  your  crafts  are  gone !  Scepticism  would 
vanish  now.  The  destiny  of  America,  of  the  world,  was  fixed. 
The  extension  of  the  "area"  of  Spiritualism,  with  its  cognate 
eovereignty  of  "  woman's  rights,"  was  hastening  to  embrace  the 
circumference  of  earth  and  "  Spheres." 

But  to  return  to  the  "  circle."     The  evening  found  them  in 


« 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    161 

conclave  at  the  appointed  moment.  "Spiritualism"  was  now 
in  full  blast,  and  the  room  was  crowded  long  before  the  appointed 
hour,  with  an  excited  and  anxious  audience ;  among  whom  were 
many  previous  absentees.  The  occurrences  of  the  preceding 
night  were  recounted  in  order.  Graphic  was  the  description,  un- 
bounded their  regrets  on  account  of  absence.  Some  declared 
they  would  not  have  missed  the  meeting  for  any  consideration 
— others  said  they  would  have  given  their  farms  to  be  present, 
while  all  resolved  not  to  let  business  or  any  thing  whatever 
prevent  their  attendance  at  each  and  every  "  circle,"  and  that 
with  the  permission  of  the  lecturer,  they  would  meet  every 
evening. 

The  praises  heaped  upon  their  chief,  exhausted  the  entire 
list  of  superlatives.  He  was  the  God;  the  "circle"  were  his 
worshipers.  Nothing  could  surpass  the  munificence  they  were 
ready  to  bestow  upon  him.  A  splendid  "  place  "  must  be  pre- 
sented him  in  token  of  their  esteem,  and  his  services  perma- 
nently secured  at  all  hazards. 

He  soon  arrived  —  and  such  a  greeting !  Many  laughed  j 
gome  wept  for  joy.  The  table  marks,  visible  upon  his  face 
and  worn  with  the  pride  of  a  martyr,  were  viewed  with  greater 
curiosity  and  counted  more  honorable  than  the  scars  of  the 
war-worn  chieftain  received  in  his  country's  battles.  Calling 
the  "  circle"  to  order,  the  lecturer  announced  that  he  had  been 
surrounded  by  swarms  of  spirits  during  the  day — that  he  had 
detected  the  presence  of  some  evil  spirit  in  the  midst  of  them. 
(Cries  of  "  put  him  out" — "  that's  so  "— "  he's  one  of  'em.") 

"  I  am  satisfied,"  continued  the  veteran  lecturer,  "  that 
hereafter,  the  safest  course  is  to  compel  the  spirits  to  put  on 
14* 


162  LUCY    BOSTON. 

paper  every  communication  which  we  receive  as  genuine.  A 
writing  spirit  told  me  so  this  day.  I  am  convinced  that  the 
'manifestation  '  I  got  last  night  was  a  warning  against  our 
being  any  further  imposed  upon  by  the  '  rappers.'  They  are 
nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  gang  of  impostors.  Their  cun- 
ning cheats  are  calculated  to  bring  us  into  disrespect.  I, 
therefore,  order  this  circle  to  receive  no  more  'rapping commu- 
nications' from  either  of  the  Spheres,  since  the  prime  spirit 
•which  has  been  our  general  agent  turns  out  to  be  none  other 
than  the  Great  Lying  Lucifer  himself,  who  will  drum  up  all 
the  '  thumpers '  he  can  to  impose  upon  us,  and  sink  our  cause 
in  disgrace.  Therefore,  I  pronounce  this  the  '  Grand  National 
Circle/  henceforth  organized  for  writing  Mediums  alone,  as  a 
safeguard  against  all  deceptions  in  future." 

"  Should  any  of  the  '  bottom  sphere '  liars  intrude  upon  us, 
we  will  hear  their  'communications/  but  treat  or  interpret 
them  as  we  please.  Such  are  my  orders.  l  Circle,'  join  hands 
for  written  manifestations." 

With  a  tremendous  flourish  of  enthusiasm,  this  injunction 
was  instantly  obeyed,  the  master  of  ceremonies  watching  for 
the  indications  of  spiritual  presence.  Presently  a  number  of 
Mediums  began  to  nod,  particularly  the  females  mentioned  the 
previous  evening.  After  sundry  manifestations  by  the  lecturer, 
in  obedience  to  orders,  they  '  let  go  hands/  and  he  put  the 
question : 

"  Are  there  any  spirits  present  ?  " 

A  sudden  and  terrific  "  rapping." 

"  Silence ! "  shouted  the  master,  and  all  was  still. 

"  Are  there  any  spirits  present  from  the  lowest  Sphere  ?  " 


For.  LIES     OP     THE     XIXlH     CENTURY.      163 

Three  raps. 

"  Do  you  wish  to  communicate  ?  " 

No  reply. 

"  Do  you  wish  to  write  ?  "  inquired  he,  furnishing  pencil  and 
"  signal  book." 

Still  no  answer,  but  a  Medium,  with  mouth  wide  open, 
thrust  forth  his  tongue  at  full  length. 

"  Does  that  spirit  wish  to  communicate  ?  "  asked  the  lec- 
turer, with  evident  amazement. 

"  If  so,  make  it  manifest.'*' 

"  Yes,"  clearly  articulated  the  Medium. 

The  circle  gazed  at  each  other,  dumb-founded  at  this  new 
phenomena. 

"  The  lecturer,  at  length  recovering  himself,  congratulated 
them  on  thus  having  made  the  important  discovery  of  a  talk- 
ing Medium,  and  expatiated  largely  upon  the  rapid  progress  of 
their  darling  cause,  the  flourishing  condition  of  the  "  circle," 
and  the  certainty  that  according  to  the  present  ratio  of  develop- 
ment, the  period  was  not  far  distant  when  spirits  would  stand 
before  them,  face  to  face,  in  visible  ( manifestations.' " 

Meanwhile  the  new  "  Medium "  shook  with  involuntary 
spasms,  especially  in  the  region  of  the  maxillary  muscles,  ob- 
serving which,  the  lecturer,  amid  the  highest  pitch  of  excite- 
ment, said,  that,  as  the  spirit  was  so  extremely  importunate, 
he  would  at  once  receive  the  communication,  and  demanded : 

"  Are  you  happy  ?  " 

"  Yes — sir — ee,"  shouted  the  Medium  at  the  top  of  his  voice. 

The  Spiritualists  leaped  for  joy,  at  what  they  deemed  the 
most  profound  and  glorious  "  manifestation"  of  the  age. 


• 


164  LUCY  BOSTON. 

"  What  does  the  spirit  wish  to  communicate  ?  "  further  de- 
manded the  lecturer. 

"  I  want  all  my  friends  and  everybody  to  become  be  —  lie 

e vers,"  he  sang  out,  laying  peculiar  stress  upon 

the  accented  syllable  of  the  last  word,  and  prolonging  the 
acute  inflection  to  the  extent  of  his  breath. 

"Good" — "good"  —  "GOOD,"  echoed  round  the  "ring." 

"  Have  you  any  thing  else  to  communicate  ?  "  asked  the 
moderator. 

"  I  don't  know  nothin  more,  now"  was  the  unequivocal  re- 
ply, and  the  puff  of  inspiration  escaping  through  his  wind-pipe, 
the  "  Medium  "  collapsed  like  an  exhausted  bellows,  and  cried 
"  water — water,"  to  quench  his  thirst. 

"  A  deluge  of  congratulations  poured  in  upon  him  from  all 
sides.  The  old  wine  was  truly  in  reserve  for  the  last  of  the 
feast.  Never  before  had  they  enjoyed  so  rich  a  meeting.  It 
was  granted  on  all  hands  that  they  had  hitherto  been  hood- 
winked and  bamboozled  by  a  "  lying  "  spirit.  But  the  dark 
imposition  had  vanished  before  the  new  demonstration.  They 
could  now  talk  with  the  shades,  and  in  their  sanguineness  of 
yet  being  able  to  see  them,  some  imagined  they  already  caught 
a  glimpse  of  their  shadows. 

Joy  flowed  full,  purse-strings  generously  relaxed,  and  "  pass- 
ing the  hat,"  to  pay  the  Professor  of  Ghostology  for  his  dis- 
tinguished services,  the  circle,  in  its  spherical  capacity,  dis- 
solved, but  tarried  in  promiscuous  intercourse  till  a  late  hour. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 


'  Some  waltz:  some  draw ;  some  fathom  the  abys 
Of  metaphysics ;  others  are  content 
With  music;  the  most  moderate  shine  as  wits— 
While  otherB  have  a  genius  turn'd  for  fits.'' 


MEANWHILE  these  "  spiritual  demonstrations"  were  in 
progress,  our  village  editor,  whose  acquaintance  the 
reader  has  already  made,  had  issued  a  number  of  the  National 
Bulletin,  which  however  did  not  satisfy  the  eager  curiosity  of 
that  reading  people.  The  previous  issue  was  full  of  interest, 
because  it  was  full  of  news.  The  following  is  an  extract  from 
his  "  leader :" — 

"  During  our  absence  last  week,  a  statement  found  its  way 
into  our  columns  which  threw  the  community  into  a  high  state 
of  excitement. 

"  Were  it  not  for  the  fact  that,  without  an  explanation,  we 
should  be  held  up  to  public  ridicule  by  our  brother  editors,  we 
should  maintain  a  prudent  silence.  Respect  for  ourself,  how- 
ever, requires  us  to  correct  the  error.  It  is  sufficient  to  say, 
we  were  necessarily  absent,  and  in  the  interim  our  conjugal 
partner  having  assumed  the  chair  editorial,  is  the  sole  and  re- 
sponsible proprietor  of  the  consequent  excitement. 

"  The  circumstance,  however,  affords  a  theme  for  dissertation. 

(165) 


166  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"We  may  be  called  conservative,  antiquated,  '  old  fogyish  ;' 
nevertheless,  we  must  be  allowed  to  express  our  opinion  freely 
in  relation  to  the  so-called  reforms  and  progressive  develop- 
ments of  the  age. 

"  The  two  superlative  prodigies  of  these  '  latter  days,'  and 
both  virgin  born,*  are  Woman's  Rights  and  Spiritualism  —  the 
North  American  Twins,  begotten  without  sire,  and  hence  the 
progeny  of  miraculous  conception !  Although  ushered  into 
this  inhospitable  world  in  their  paternal  orphanage,  fortunately 
for  them,  they  are  not  motherless.  More  lucky  than  their  an- 
cient prototypes  of  Roman  fame,f  which  parentless,  friendless, 
and  outcast,  were  adopted  and  nursed  by  a  philanthropic  ma- 
tronly wolf,  the  foster-mother  of  future  empire !  these  sireless 
foundlings,  lying  at  the  exuberant  paps  of  maternal  care  and 
affection,  are  waxing  lusty,  the  fancied  founders,  in  embryo,  of 
a  dominion  wider  than  the  world,  more  lasting  than  time. 
But  whatever  may  be  the  cherished  hopes  of  the  New  Lights, 
alias  the  Spiritual  Reformers,  we  cannot  withhold  our  convic- 
tion that  these  hopeful  bantlings  of  theirs,  although  heirs  ex- 
pectant to  the  throne  of  universal  sway,  are  but  the  incipient 
'  manifestations'  of  two  mis-shaped  boobies,  the  idols,  indeed, 
of  motherly  pride  and  vanity,  but  doomed  to  be  the  laughing- 
stock of  the  world.  True,  they  are  blessed  with  a  goodly 
number  of  beardless  and  some  full  bearded  god-fathers, 

*  It  is  notorious  that  the  "  woman's  rights"  scheme  sprung  from  the  ambitious 
brains  of  certain  maiden  ladies,  and  Spirit  Rappings  from  the  Misses  Fox  of  Rochester. 

f  History  records  that  Romulus  and  Remus,  the  twin  brothers  and  founders  of 
ancient  Rome,  left  orphans  in  their  infancy,  were  confided  to  the  care  of  their  uncle, 
•who,  from  motives  of  ambition,  exposed  them  to  perish ;  but  a  she  wolf  came  and 
nourished  them  with  her  milk,  till  a  shephard  found  and  adopted  them.  x 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     167 

yet  are  they  evidently  idiotic  and  rickety  monsters.  Their 
t  manifest  destiny  '  is  to  be  lugged  and  trundled  about,  a  con- 
stant burden  to  their  mothers  and  the  objects  of  wonder  and 
disgust  to  the  gazing  public,  who  will  feel  a  gratifying  relief 
to  see  them  rolled  together  into  a  timely  grave." 

This  last  announcement  blew  the  flame  of  public  excitement 
into  a  still  broader  blaze.  The  office  of  the  editor  was  thronged 
from  village  and  country.  Especially  was  he  beset  by  the 
more  curious  and  inquisitive  \  art  of  the  human  family,  in  a 
manner  that  fully  tested  his  patience.  He  bore  the  infliction, 
however,  with  the  composure  of  a  philosopher,  wisely  consol- 
ing himself,  by  way  of  indemnity  for  his  martyrdom,  with 
the  consideration  that  he  was  reaping  laurels  as  the  hero  of 
good-natUredness,  while  his  fiery  "  leader "  would  greatly  ex- 
tend the  circulation  of  the  National  Bulletin.  True,  his  expo- 
sition of  the  "  New  Lights,"  though  received  as  sterling  coin 
by  his  subscribers,  was  repudiated  with  disdain  as  base  metal 
by  his  woman  readers.  But  as  a  set-off  to  this,  his  independ- 
ent, liberty-loving  wife  could  steal  a  march  upon  him  now  and 
then,  into  the  editorial  "column,"  and  deal  blow  for  blow, 
making  reprisals  with  interest  for  the  spoliations  committed 
upon  her  sex.  So  by  this  alliance,  offensive  and  defensive,  the 
National  Bulletin.  not  only  attained  its  original  domain,  but 
in  the  march  of  conquest,  conquered  the  annexation  of  new 
and  extensive  territory. 

********** 

Amaziah,  in  the  ease  and  freedom  of  oneness,  was  something 
of  a  "gentleman  about  town,"  in  part,  because  he  had 
nothing  to  do,  but  more  from  the  fact,  that  he  had  no  dispoei- 


168  LUCY    BOSTON. 

tion  to  do  it.  He  bad,  however,  been  something  of  an  ob- 
server  of  passing  events — had  contemplated  to  the  extent  of 
his  ability,  in  its  various  bearings,  the  foretold  revolution  and 
reversal  of  the  order  of  things.  True  to  his  calling,  as  an  im- 
pressible Medium,  he  remained  an  adherent  believer,  in  the 
prediction  of  what  was  shortly  coming  to  pass,  yet  still  dis- 
covering many  things  which  must  have  shaken  his  faith  in 
woman's  capacity  to  govern,  had  his  belief  been  founded  on 
human  evidence.  But  leaving  our  bachelor  to  ruminate  upon 
his  "  day  dreams  and  night  visions,"  in  conformity  with  the 
popular  art  of  historiography  —  which  requires  the  incorpora- 
tion of  every  collateral,  if  not  contemporaneous  incident,  how- 
ever slight  its  importance,  or  doubtful  its  connection  —  we  will 
pick  up  the  boarding-house  news,  resuming  the  narrative 
where  we  dropped  it. 

Miss  Hager,  like  Amaziah,  enjoyed  the  freedom  of  simple 
oneness,  but  dissimilar  to  him,  she  had  much  to  do,  and  withal 
the  disposition  to  do  it.  In  pursuing  her  handicraft  at  the 
boarding-house,  unfortunately,  her  experience  proved  that 
sometimes  mistake*  as  well  as  misfortunes  do  not  "  come 
single/'  for  as  her  ill  star  would  have  it,  she  committed  a 
blunder  in  fabricating  the  memorable  new  silk  dress.  The 
mishap,  though  insignificant  and  harmless,  was  nevertheless 
sufficient  to  throw  its  owner  into  a  most  violent^. 

"  Mad  as  the  vexed  aea." 

Mrs.  Wilson  felt  driven  to  free  her  mind,  and  like  a  real 
Diana  discharged  the  arrows  of  her  innuendoes,  till  her  quiver 
was  emptied,  but  pointless  and  harmless,  they  fell  upon  the 


FOLLIES    OF   THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    169 

buckler  of  the  old  maid's  silence.  Provokingly  cool,  she  sat 
plying  scissors  and  needle,  ever  and  anon  looking  up  implor- 
ingly, as  much  as  to  say  : 

"0  don't,  Mrs.  Wilson." 

Such  provoking  coolness  was  more  than  the  random  onset  of 
our  landlady's  impetuosity  could  withstand,  and  she  was  on  the 
point  of  calling  her  husband  as  a  reinforcement,  when  chanc- 
ing to  over-hear  the  din,  he  entered,  not  as  auxiliary,  but  me- 
diator, exclaiming  with  great  good  nature  — 

"What's  up,  my  duck  ?  " 

"Don't 'you  think,"  was  the  supplicating  reply  —  "my  new 
dress  is  spilte  —  and  Badger,  I  —  I  wish,  my  soul,  you'd  order 
him  out  of  the  house." 

"  Well,  wife,  'tis  rather  bad,  I  declare,"  said  Wilson,  in  a 
half  bantering  manner.  "But  after  all,  what  signifies  it? 
Why  take  on  about  what  you  are  going  to  take  right  off  again  ? 
Woman's  Rights  and  breeches,  not  gowns,  are  the  latest  styles, 
you  know." 

This  sunshine  was  but  a  "  weather-breeder."  Wilson  saw 
the  cloud  blacken  —  felt  the  lightning  flash  in  his  face  —  the 
thunder  crack  in  his  ear.  The  storm-cloud  was  bursting  on 
his  head,  as  he  sought  timely  shelter,  in  a  sudden  turn  of  the 
subject. 

"  But  what  has  she  done  to  your  dress,  my  dear  ?  "  asked 
he,  appeasingly. 

"  What's  she  done  ?  Completely  ruined  it — ruined  it.  And 
Badger's  the  cause  of  it.  The  quicker  we  '  ship '  him,  the 
better." 

"Perhaps  it  can  be  fixed — if  it  can't,  you  shall  have 
15 


170  LUCY    BOSTON. 

another  as  good  —  if  not  better  —  so  cheer  up,  dovey.  Re- 
formers should  always  keep  the  upper  hand  of  themselves." 

The  tempest  lulled,  hut  lowered,  as  she  abruptly  withdrew  to 
her  private  apartment. 

The  mantua-maker  continued  intently  engaged  upon  the  ill- 
fated  garment. 

"  Don't  be  frightened,  Miss  Hager,"  said  Wilson,  pleasantly, 
"  if  I  play  the  hen-huzzy  a  little.  We  husbands  have  to  do  it 
sometimes,  you  know.  What  seems  to  be  the  trouble  with  the 
new  gown  ?  Don't  it  fit,  or  don't  it  suit  f  Which  ?  You 
havn't  cut  it  wrong,  have  you  ?  " 

"  Why  no,  Mr.  Wilson.  I've  only  made  a  little  mistake  in 
putting  it  together.  I  will  have  it  all  done  in  an  hour,  and 
warrant  it  to  set  as  nice  as  a  pin.  You  know,  Mr.  Wilson, 
what  troubles  I've  had  since  I  came  here.  Its  enough  to  make 
any  poor  girl  crazy,  to  think  of  it.  And  now  Mrs.  Wilson 
declares  she  will  tell  everybody  that  I  have  been  trying  to 
court  Mr.  Badger,  when  I  never  spoke  a  single  word  with  him 
in  my  life.  I  think  its  too  much  to  bear,"  said  she,  her  voice 
tremulous  with  emotion  and  eyes  filling  with  tears. 

"  0,  that's  all,  is  it  ?  Not  half  so  bad  as  it  might  be.  I'll 
set  all  the  bones  it  breaks.  You  finish  the  dress  and  trust  me 
for  the  rest,"  said  he  blandly,  leaving  the  room. 

He  sought  and  found  his  wife  before  the  glass  giving  the 
finishing  flourish  to  her  toilet,  which  always  constituted  Wil- 
son's domestic  thermometer.  He  saw  at  a  glance  the  degree 
of  temperature.  Her  hair — the  ends,  as  if  in  electrical  repul- 
sion, looking  porcupinish  —  had  a  portentous  twist  and  her 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    171 

comb  a  peculiar  cant,  indicating  the  mercury  raised  plump  up 
to  the  boiling  point. 

"  Pretty  fix  I'm  left  in  —  the  huzzy,  just  as  I  expected"  — 
cried  she  nervously,  thrusting  the  last  skewer  into  her  top-knot. 

"  Well,  I  wouldn't  borrow  trouble  about  it,  I  guess.  What's 
the  use  of  borrowing  what  you  don't  want  when  you  get  it  ?  " 
said  he  sagely. 

"  Old  Badger  is  at  the  bottom  of  it — and " 

"  Bottom  or  top,  my  dear,  I  really  can't  divine  what  he  can 
possibly  have  to  do  with  it.  Now,  one  question,  dovey.  Aint 
you  a  lit  —  tie  too  —  fast  ?  " 

"  Fast  or  slow,  little  or  much,  the  quicker  he's  '  shipped ' 
the  better.  We've  seen  enough  of  him.  Do  you  know  he's 
got  a  whole  lot  o'  books  and  papers  in  his  room,  and  porin  over 
'em  all  the  while  ?  I've  seen  'em.  They  tell  about  spirits 
and  woman's  riyhfs,  besides  other  things  —  I  didn't  know  ex- 
actly what  it  was,  but  I  s'pose  'twas  some  big  doctor's  words  or 
other.  I  don't  think  that  looks  well  for  an  old  bachelor,  es- 
pecially   Do  you  ?  " 

"  I  don't  see  any  thing  so  very  bad  about  it.  If  he  chooses 
to  study  the  sciences,  why  let  him.  Its  his  privilege  and  we 
shouldn't  interfere  with  it." 

."I  don't  think  its  any  of  his  business,  any  way,  and  we 
can't  get  rid  of  him  too  soon,  before  he  makes  any  more 
trouble.  That's  my  mind." 

11  May  be  he's  studying  for  a  doctor.  Who  knows  ?  Then 
we  can  have  a  physician  in  the  family.  Wouldn't  that  be 
Handy  though?"  said  Wilson  roguishly. 


172  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"  And  her  brow  cleared,  but  not  her  troubled  eye; 
The  wind  was  down,  but  still  the  sea  ran  high." 

As  it  happened,  the  mail  had  just  brought  friend  Badger 
various  fresh  publications  on  the  subject  of  "woman's  rights/' 
and  among  them  the  petition  adopted  at  the  Great  Convention, 
accompanied  with  a  request  that  he  would  circulate  it ;  also  that 
a  meeting  be  called,  the  subject  explained,  and  the  people 
aroused  to  the  importance  of  the  matter.  How  his  address 
was  obtained,  or  why  he  was  selected  as  a  leader  in  the  new 
movement,  was  beyond  his  comprehension  ;  but  as  the  respon- 
sibility was  laid  upon  him,  and  possibly  feeling  a  little  flattered 
by  the  distinction  of  being  raised  to  the  dignity  of  a  public  re- 
former, he  resolved  promptly  to  discharge  his  official  duty.  With 
the  formidable  array  of  documents  in  his  hands  he  was  de- 
scending the  stairs,  to  lay  them  before  the  consideration  of  his 
landlady,  just  as  she  and  her  husband  issued  into  the  hall,  and 
approaching  her  with  an  air  of  great  deference,  said  : 

"  Mrs.  Wilson,  I  have  got  a  petition  to  circulate,  which  I'd 
like  to  have  you  take  and  get  as  many  names  as  possible.  You 
head  it,  and " 

You  needn't  come  to  me  with  any  of  your  doctor's  papers. 
Give  'em  to  Miss  Hager,  she'll  take  'em.  I'll  thank  you  to 
move  your  quarters,  sir.  We  can't  board  you  any  longer; 
rather,  we  don't  choose  to." 

"  But  this  is  a  petition  for  woman's  rights,  and  I  supposed 
of  course  all  the  women  would  jump  at  the  chance  of  signing 
it.  You  want  freedom,  don't  you,  Mrs.  Wilson?" 

"  I  understand  it.  You  want  us  to  sign  away  what  little 
liberty  we've  got  left.  I  always  thought  we'd  have  to  do  all 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    173 

the  men's  drudgery  yet,  before  we  died.  And  that's  just  what 
you're  after  now.  I  know  you.  So  keep  your  old  papers  and 
clear  out,"  and  away  she  whirled  to  the  kitchen. 

"  What's  in  the  wind  this  morning,  Wilson'?"  asked  the 
petitioner,  dumb  struck. 

"  0,  the  new  dress  don't  fit,  or  some  dev'lish  thing  or 
other." 

"  Has'nt  she  got  another  'fit  ? '  " 

"  Yes,  a  regular  fit  —  and  the  hardest  kind." 

At  this,  Badger  started  without  preliminary,  and  in  great 
haste  for  his  pills,  thinking  it  a  fit  opportunity  to  test  their 
eflBcacy.  He  took  five  boxes,  and  descended  to  the  kitchen. 
Finding  his  patient  raving  at  Dinah  (considerate  wench,  who 
bore  it  kindly),  and  the  evident  symptoms  of  the  case  indica- 
ting the  necessity  of  instant  relief,  he  handed  them  to  her, 
saying, 

"  Take  six  now,  and  the  remainder  in  two  hours." 

Upon  opening  the  box,  instead  of  following  the  prescription, 
she  let  fly  the  whole  into  his  face,  and  suiting  the  word  to  the 
action,  exclaimed, 

"  You  old  fool !  I  didn't  sign  your  paper.  I  see  your  trick. 
You  wanted  me  to  subscribe  for  pills  —  but  I  didn't,  you " 

"No,  no,  Mrs.  Wilson  —  these  is  the  great  'sovereign  rem- 
edy for  fits.'  Just  take  'em.  They  are  sure  cure.  I  bought 
'em  on  purpose  for  you."  At  that  instant,  Miss  Hager  called 
for  Mrs.  Wilson. 

"  What  d'you  want,"  answered  she,  waspishly. 

"  Will  you  please  to  come  up  and  try  on  the  dress  ?     Its 
ready  now." 
15* 


174  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"  0  yes,"  said  Badger,  "  I'd  like  real  well  to  see  it.  Its  the 
prettiest  pattern  I  ever  saw." 

Though  at  first  unyielding,  Wilson  making  his  appearance, 
she  was  at  length  persuaded.  They  ascended,  followed  by  the 
new  pill  doctor. 

Badger  —  at  whose  entrance  Miss  Hager  looked  the  picture 
of  surprise  —  taking  up  the  notable  garment,  as  it  lay  across 
the  back  of  a  chair,  and  holding  it  off  at  arm's  length,  exhausted 
his  vocabulary  in  a  strain  of  admiration  —  and  finally  remark- 
ing, that  if  it  was  not  "  a  fit,"  he  would  be  glad  to  take  it  off 
her  hands,  seeing  the  period  was  so  near  when  he  should  have 
occasion  to  use  it. 

Mrs.  W resigning  herself  into  the  hands  of  her  man- 

tua-maker,  in  a  trice,  she  came  forth  the  most  buxom-looking 
creature  that  silk  and  cotton  could  make  her. 

"  Mr.  Wilson  "  and  "  Mr.  Badger,"  duly  presented,  went 
into  ecstacies  over  the  embodiment  of  their  "beau  ideal,"  as 
she  wheeled  from  right  to  left  and  left  to  right,  in  review  be- 
fore them.  Even  Mrs.  Wilson,  conscious  of  being  the  "  observed 
of  all  observers,"  and  seeing  her  own  image  in  the  mirror,  was 
vainly  proud  that  nature  and  the  mantua-maker  had  cast  her 
in  a  mould  of  such  faultless  proportions. 

The  Jit  was  over.  Miss  Ilager  was  now  the  model  dress- 
maker, and  "Doctor  Badger"  (as  she  was  pleased  to  call  him) 
was  at  once  reinstalled  in  the  good  graces  of  his  landlady,  and 
he  "  must  not  leave  on  any  consideration." 

In  the  course  of  the  afternoon  Mrs.  Wilson  appeared  on 
grand  parade,  equipped  with  new  dress,  chemisette,  bracelet, 
&c.;  in  the  most  cheerful  mood  imaginable.  Among  other 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    175 

particular  friends,  she  honored  the  Doctor  with  a  call  (not  an 
unusual  occurrence  by  the  way),  and  standing  before  him  in  the 
most  graceful,  winning  attitude,  said  with  a  playful  smile, 

"  Mr.  Badger,  don't  you  wish  I  was  a  widow?" 

"  I  don't  know  as  I  wish  you  was  a  widow;  but  I  wouldn't 
care  if  I  was  Mr.  Wilson." 

"  I  think  this  makes  up  real  pretty.  I  don't  believe  there'll 
be  a  single  dress  in  church  to-morrow,  that'll  beat  it." 

"  You  are  certainly  dressed  in  first-rate  taste,  Mrs.  Wilson ; 
but  how  long  d'you  s'pose  it  will  be  before  the  women  will 
put  our  clothes  oil  ?" 

"  What !  wear  coats  and  trowsers  ?" 

"  Certainly." 

"  0  I'd  just  as  leave  clo  that  as  any  thing,  if  it  was  only  the 
fashion." 

" But  wouldn't  you  like  to  have  it  the  fashion?" 

"  Yes,  I  would  for  a  spell,  just  to  see  how  it  would  seem." 

"  And  how  would  it  suit  you  for  the  women  to  have  the 
power,  as  men  do  now  —  make  the  laws,  govern  the  Church 
and  the  State,  carry  the  money,  and  all  such  things  1" 

"  First-rate.     I'd  give  any  thing  for  that." 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Wilson,  believe  me,  that  is  going  to  be  so,  very 
soon  too  —  you  may  depend  upon  it." 

"  What  makes  you  think  so,  Mr.  Badger  ?" 

"  Well,  if  you  won't  tell  anybody,  I'll  tell  you." 

"  Well,  I  promise  you  I  won't.  I'll  be  sure  and  keep  it  a 
real  secret." 

"  Well,  if  you  believe  it,  there  was  the  spirit  of  a  Mermaid 
come  into  this  very  room  that  night  it  stormed  so  awfully,  and 


176  LUCY  BOSTON. 

told  me  so.  She  said  she  come  right  from  the  Spirit-Land. 
I  never  told  anybody  of  it  before." 

"  Can  we  have  all  the  property  ?"  inquired  she,  earnestly. 

"  0  yes,  you  can  pass  laws  so  that  you  can." 

"  What  have  we  got  to  do,  to  get  the  men  out,  so  we  can  get 
in  their  place  ?" 

"  I'll  tell  you  what.  You  must  take  these  petitions  and  get 
everybody  to  sign  'em  you  can.  And  you  must  talk  to  your 
sex  and  give  'em  to  understand  what's  going  on.  And  I  think 
you'd  better  take  a  paper  that  advocates  '  woman's  rights.' " 

"  0  this  is  what  you  call  '  tcoman's  rights,'  is  it  ?  That's 
what  all  your  books  and  papers  are  for.  I've  read  a  good  deal 
about  '  woman's  rights,'  but  I  never  really  understood  it  before. 
Yes,  I'll  do  just  what  you  tell  me  to.  But  what  do  you  s'pose 
my  husband  will  say  if  he  finds  it  out  ?" 

"  0  nothing  —  nothing  —  Wilson  never  says  any  thing  —  all 
right.  Hope  I  don't  intrude,  Doctor  Badger  ?  tell  me  what 
you  think  of  my  wife.  Isn't  she  about  X  ?  Wouldn't  I  leave 
a  pretty  nice  widow  behind,  if  I  should  happen  to  go  before  ?" 
said  her  husband,  sportingly,  who  at  that  juncture  entered  the 
room,  and  who,  by  the  way,  was  really  proud  of  his  wife  wheu 
she  was  neatly  dressed  and  in  good  humor. 

"I  think  Mrs.  Wilson  is  a  woman  of  taste,"  replied  the 
Doctor,  "  and  if  she  should  be  left  a  widow  a  great  while,  I'm 
sure  it  would  be  her  fault.  Wilson,  your  wife  will  be  in  the 
Legislature  before  two  years  !  Do  you  know  that?" 

"  I  go  for  the  candidate,"  said  Wilson,  slapping  his  hands  m 
great  glee  ;  "  I'll  vote  for  you,  ducky." 

"  But  I'm  in  sober  earnest  about  this,"  insisted  the  Doctor. 


FOLLIES  or  THE  XIXiH  CENTURY.    177 

"  We  men  have  got  to  come  under.  This  '  woman's  rights ' 
question  is  the  great  question.  Its  got  among  the  people  and 
it  must  go.  'Twill  be  the  grand  issue  next  fall,  and  its  going 
to  be  carried,  sure  as  fate.  Its  advocates  will  have  a  majority 
in  the  next  Legislature,  and  I  think  we'd  better  go  in  for  it. 
What  do  you  say  ?" 

"I  say/'  replied  Wilson,  "the  papers  are  getting  into  pretty 
much  of  a  stew  about  it.  I  say,  though  I'm  no  politician,  in 
my  opinion,  its  a  dev'lish  big  humbug.  But  if  they  want  to  try 
it,  I've  no  objection.  I  would  as  soon  live  under  petticoat 
government  in  the  state,  as  petticoat  government  at  home." 

"  You'll  have  to  wear  that  article  then,  sir/'  said  she,  with 
an  air  of  triumph. 

"  Heigh  ho !  you've  got  the  fever,  too,  have  you  wife  ?  Going 
to  take  the  stump,  eh  ?  Well,  I'm  pledged  to  vote  for  you, 
any  way.  You  and  Doctor  Badger  will  make  a  most  powerful 
team,  when  fairly  yoked  in.  I  speak  for  that  dress  and  chemi- 
sette, wife.  Shall  I  lay  by  my  over-alls  for  you  to  use  in  the 
stable  ?"  Wilson  thought  of  something  that  required  his  im- 
mediate attention,  and  chuckling  heartily,  took  French  leave. 

"What  a  good  feeling  man  he  is  —  always  just  so,"  said 
Badger. 

"  He  won't  feel  quite  so  chipper  when  we  get  in  power,"  said 
she,  with  self-satisfaction. 

"  How  glad  I  am  to  get  you  enlisted,  Mrs.  Wilson.  Now 
you  take  the  petition  and  obtain  all  the  signatures  you  can  of 
both  sexes.  Especially  get  the  ladies  of  influence  enrolled, 
and  we'll  have  a  meeting  here  before  long." 

"  Yes,  I  can  go  all  over  town  in  two  hours." 


178  LUCY 

"  I  think  you'd  better  see  the  editor's  wife  as  soon  as  possIbPe, 
*nd  secure  her  support.  I  know  her  husband  is  dead  against 
us,  but  let  her  understand  that  the  men  can't  print  papery 
much  longer,  and  she'll  be  tickled  enough  to  join  us." 

"  Well,  I'll  do  it  right  off.  I  promised  to  go  over  there  and 
show  her  my  new  dress  just  as  quick  as  it  was  done.  Ill 
have  fifty  names  in  less  than  an  hour,"  and  Mrs.  Wilson,  with 
the  utmost  enthusiasm,  departed  on  her  new  mission. 

The  Doctor  was  left  alone  to  cogitate  on  the  incidents  of  the 
day,  especially  upon  the  sudden  and  extreme  change  in  the 
appearance  of  his  landlady.  Congratulating  himself  on  hav- 
ing won  her  over  to  the  great  and  good  cause,  he  resolved  to 
push  the  petition  with  all  dispatch,  and  arouse  the  whole  com- 
munity to  the  subject. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

"  Nature  hath  framed  strange  things  in  her  time." 
"I  am  a  woman!  nay,  a  woman  wrong'd." 

MISS  BOSTON,  on  her  return,  found  the  public  mind  pretty 
thoroughly  inoculated  with  the  mania  of  Spiritualism 
and  "  woman's  rights." 

Numerous  "  circles "  had  been  instituted,  and  what  were 
claimed  as  genuine  communications  received  through  a  rapping 
Medium.  But  palpable  failures  not  infrequently  occurred  in 
securing  "  demonstrations,"  and  those  obtained  bore  something 
of  a  suspicious  cast ;  still  the  believers  maintained  remarkable 
courage,  and  were  unanimous  in  promising  ultimate  female 
ascendency. 

One  "  manifestation "  in  particular,  more  marked  than  the 
rest,  furnished  food  for  their  marvelous  appetite. 

The  spiritual  nerves  of  the  "  circle,"  strung  around  the  table 
in  the  greatest  tension  of  anxiety,  a  female,  by  the  direction 
(as  she  said)  and  the  inspiration  of  a  whole  Sphere  of  Spirits, 
breaking  forth,  in  an  allegro-spiritoso  movement,  sung,  as  if 
pouring  out  the  very  soul  of  melody — 

«Fol,de,rol, 
Fol,_de,  rol, 
Pol,  lol,  de,  roL" 


"Rol,de,  rol, 
Kol,  de,  rol, 
De,  rol,  lol,  lol." 


(179) 


180  LUCY    BOSTON. 

This  exquisitely  spiritual  sextain,  out-rivaling  the  ravishing 
strains  of  the  dying  swan,  was  repeated  with  various  modula- 
tions, meanwhile  for  accompaniment,  the  performer  rapping  a 
splendid  spiritual  "  rub-a-dub"  with  her  knuckles  on  the  tahle. 

The  "circle,"  almost  swooning  with  admiration,  eagerly 
inquired  the  name  of  the  magnificent  cantata.  With  a  fairy- 
like  air  she  replied,  "  The  AngeTs  Grand  Waltz." 

Jupiter !  Apollo  !  What  uninspired  mortal  would  ever  have 
thought  of  that  ?  But  then  if  the  gods  are  musicians,  why 
certainly  the  angels  may  dance.  This  surely  is  something  new 
under  the  sun.  Just  imagine,  reader  (if  your  fancy  is  suffi- 
ciently ethereal),  imagine  yourself  in  the  great  spiritual  ball- 
room, in  the  midst  of  a  spree.  Phoebus,  the  Divine  Fiddler 
in  the  "  box,"  with  his  spiritual  fiddle,  and  the  shades  big  and 
little,  of  both  sexes,  black,  white  and  red,  touching  the  "light 
fantastic  toe  "  to  the  scraping  of  spiritual  rosin,  horse-hair  and 
cat-gut !  What  French  fours,  and  Scotch  reels,  and  Irish 
jigs,  and  Spanish  fandangos,  and  Indian  pow-wows,  and  Dutch 
fuddles,  and  Yankee  gallopades,  and  Fanny  Ellsler  polkas, 
and  Wirginny  breakdowns  in  the  grand  "  promenade  all,"  of 
the  spiritual  cotillion  ! 

Our  singing  Medium  sought  earnestly  to  be  re-inspired,  but 
the  Muses  were  mute.  Either  they  were  indisposed,  or  the 
fountain  of  song  was  exhausted.  However,  the  "  circle"  en- 
tertained hope  that  the  musical  spirits  would  again  appear. 

Miss  Boston  was  advertised  of  all  that  had  happened  during 
her  absence.  Great  anxiety  prevailed  to  find  the  lecturer, 
•whose  name  was  on  every  tongue :  though  often  interrogated 
as  to  her  knowledge  of  his  locality,  Lucy,  for  the  most  part, 


FOLLIES    OP   THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    181 

she  kept  her  own  counsels.  To  one  or  two  only  of  her  most 
intelligent  and  intimate  friends,  she  opened  her  mind  freely  in 
relation  to  the  spirit  with  which  she  was  so  anxious  to  hold 
correspondence,  and  declared  it  to  be  of  little  use  to  send  for 
the  lecturer,  since  just  as  good  Mediums  might  be  found  there 
as  elsewhere.  She  had  pressing  invitations  to  meet  with  the 
circles,  but  declined  from  prudential,  or  some  other  motives. 

As  yet,  Miss  Boston  had  taken  no  measures  to  discover  the 
person  chosen  as  the  Medium  of  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid. 
The  best  course  to  pursue  —  that  was  the  question.  She  had 
the  impression  that  he  resided  somewhere  in  central  New  York. 
Believing  herself  able  to  recognize  him  in  a  public  meeting, 
even, her  first  thought  was  to  go  into  every  town,  large  and 
small,  lecturing  on  "  woman's  rights,"  in  the  hope  of  acciden- 
tally falling  in  with  him  at  some  point  in  her  wanderings.  But 
this  method  was  attended  with  great  uncertainty.  The  idea 
occurred  to  her,  to  advertise  for  his  discovery.  But  how  ?  For 
the  "person  who  had  seen  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid?"  That 
would  not  do.  She  blamed  herself  exceedingly  for  not  having 
learned  his  name,  or  at  least  his  place  of  residence. 

No  feasible  method  presenting  itself,  she  at  length  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  her  chances  of  success  lay  as  much  within 
the  "spheres"  as  the  circumference  of  earth,  for  steam  might 
have  already  carried  the  unknown  Medium  to  California  or  to 
China,  or  he  might  have  taken  his  departure  to  the  Spirit- 
Land. 

She  therefore  adopted  the  bold  plan  of  seeking  the  spirit  of 
the  Mermaid  in  person.  Accordingly,  retiring  to  her  chamber, 
she  assumed  almost  every  possible  attitude  at  every  hour  of  the 
16 


182  LUCY   BOSTON. 

day  and  night,  mentally  and  orally  invoking  its  presence,  but 
with  no  avail.  Her  ingenuity  and  perseverance,  though 
prompted  by  the  purest  motive,  were  not  repaid  with  the  least 
sign  of  a  "  manifestation,"  not  even  the  ambiguity  of  a  dream, 
and  she  nearly  abandoned  the  hope  of  securing  a  spiritual  alli- 
ance in  the  consummation  of  "  woman's  rights."  Invitations 
were  almost  daily  pressed  upon  her,  from  various  quarters,  to 
address  public  meetings  on  the  great  topic  of  reform,  but  they 
had  all  been  declined.  As  the  political  elements  were  begin- 
ning to  be  agitated  in  view  of  the  forthcoming  election,  and 
candidates,  as  servants  of  the  people  (?)  were  offering  their 
disinterested  services,  she  concluded  there  was  no  time  to  be 
lost  in  vindicating  the  rights  of  her  sex  and  elevating  their 
"  long-deferred"  claims  before  the  masses. 

She  therefore  arranged  and  published  a  list  of  appointments, 
when  she  would  address  the  citizens  of  different  places  on  the 
question  of  "  government  reform."  The  series  of  the  pro- 
gramme carried  her  down  to  the  eve  of  election.  It  was 
stated,  however,  in  connection  with  the  notice,  that  should  any 
thing  occur  to  prevent  the  fulfillment  of  her  engagements,  due 
notice  thereof  would  be  given. 

With  a  lofty  purpose  and  a  brave  heart,  she  entered  upon 
the  campaign.  The  above-mentioned  advertisement  happened 
to  fall  under  the  eye  of  Doctor  Badger,  and  observing  that  the 

celebrated  lecturer  was  to  address  the  citizens  of  U , 

which  being  the  nearest  point  to  his  residence  she  would 
touch,  he  resolved  to  attend  the  meeting. 

Petitions  were  numerous,  the  press  grew  less  rampant  in  its 
opposition,  converts  multiplied,  and  the  work  went  gallantly  on. 


Of     THE     XlXTft     CENTURY.     183 

tFhe  Doctor  and  his  coadjutor,  Mrs.  Wilson,  were  indefati- 
gable, but  they  had  as  yet  called  together  no  public  assemblage-, 
principally  for  the  want  of  a  speaker.  The  merits  of  the  new 
reform  appeared  not  to  be  very  thoroughly  understood  iu  that 
locality,  yet  there  was  enough  of  Rovelty  and  fan  ia  it  to  ra» 
tsrease  the  list  of  petitioners  to  an  indefinite  length.  The  vil- 
lage editor  stood  up  a  vigorous  opponent,  but  his  "  stronger 
half"  ,was  as  vehement  an  advocate  of  the  cause.  Wilson,  too, 
belonged  to  tke  enemy,  but  not  of  the  "  rank  and  file."  Choos- 
ing the  guerrilla  mode  of  warfare,  no  one  could  leave  a  spot 
exposed  as  big  as  a  bullet,  without  feeling  his  "  sharp  shots," 
but  treating  his  hapless  victims  with  such  superabundance  of 
good  nature,  they  were  •quite  indifferent  if  not  insensible  to 
their  wounds.  His  chief  delight  was  not  in  killing  or  wound- 
ing, but  in  'hitting  tke  mark. 

Mr.  Badger,  in  company  with  his  hostess— now  a  leading 
spirit  in  the  reform  —  set  out  to  attend  the  convention,  her 
husband  dryly  remarking,  as  they  departed, 

"  I  hope,  my  dear,  you  will  take  good  care  of  the  Doctor 
while  you  are  gone." 

Reaching  IT ,  towards  evening  of  the  same  day,  they 

"  booked "  themselves  at  the  "  Central."  Mrs.  Wilson  had 

but  vague  conceptions  of  city  life.  Although  U *• —  was 

far  from  being  the  metropolis  of  the  state,  yet  it  was  in  won- 
derful contrast  with  her  provincial  ideas  and  habits.  The 
evening  on  their  hands,  Doctor  Badger  escorted  his  landlady 
through  the  principal  streets,  to  "  see  the  place."  Her  gal- 
lant companion  must  have  felt  that  she  was  beginning  already 
to  avail  herself  of  her  "  inalienable  rights,"  as  she  compelled 


184  LUCY   Bos  TO  ST. 

Him  to  halt  at  almost  every  step  to  admire  and  explain  the 
wonders  which  under  the  brilliancy  of  gas-light  appeared  to- 
grow  more  and  more  wondrous  at  each  successive  window. 

Among  other  objects  in  their  peregrinations  and  sight-seeing; 
they  came  in  contact  with  a  mantua-maker's  sign,  or  in  techni- 
cal phrase  a  "form."  Badger  was  inclined  to  hasten  by,cir- 
cumstanees  causing  the  sight  of  it  to  produce  within  him  pain- 
ful sensations.  Mrs.  W observed  his  impatience,  Her 

curiosity  excited  to  know  the  cause,  and  after  the  fashion  of 
the  sex,  unwilling  to  leave  without  a  few  "  last  words," 

"  0  do  see  there  1"  said  she;  "  that  is  exactly  like  one  Miss 
Jones  had,  and  a  crazy  fellow  knocked  it  down  in  the  dirt  one 
day  and  threw  a  pail  of  water  all  over  it,  and  they  had  a  great 
time.  Don't  you  remember  it  ?  " 

"  Mrs.  Wilson,  hadn't  we  better  be  getting  along  ?"  said  he, 
in  an  urgent  tone.  "  We  shan't  get  round  to-night,  if  we 
stop  to  see  everything/' 

tl  Didn't  you  hear  of  that  though  ?  I  thought  everybody 
knew  it." 

((  How  did  you  get  your  information,  Mrs.  Wilson  ?  " 

"  Miss  Hager  told  me.  She  happened  to  be  to  work  there 
at  the  time.  Oh  !  how  scar't  she  was.  She  never " 

"  Yes,  I  believe  I  did  know  something  about  it.  Hadn't 
we  better  cross  over  here  and  go  up  the  other  side,"  said  he, 
interrupting.  Her  questions  were  multifarious  as  a  woman's 
tongue  could  make  them,  in  relation  to  the  objects  that  met 
their  gaze  on  every  hand.  A  tide  of  people,  of  all  ages, 
sexes,  and  conditions,  was  continually  passing  to  and  fro.  She 
wondered  where  such  a  "  sight  of  folks"  could  come  from,  and 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XlXxn   CENTURY.    185 

where  they  were  going.  Every  one  they  met,  that  struck  her 
as  in  any  way  peculiar,  she  would  give  his  arm  a  twitch  and 
ask  if  he  knew  "  who  that "  was.  With  an  indefinite  number 
of  crossings  and  re-crossings,  haltings  and  startings,  and  turn- 
ings and  windings,  the  sight-seers  found  themselves  at  their 
lodgings  again. 

Mrs.  W rested  but  little  during  the  night,  because,  to 

use  her  own  phrase,  "  there  was  such  a  raft  of  folks  coming  and 
going  all  the  time,"  and  she  "kept  getting  up  to  see  who  they 
were."  But  exhausted  nature  must  be  restored,  and  she  slept 
soundly  in  the  morning. 

It  was  time  to-  "  ring  up  "  the  sleepers.  The  gong  set  up 
its  deafening  roar  through  the  halls,  and  came  thundering  along 
by  our  landlady's  door.  In  an  instant,  though  but  half  awake, 
she  was  on  her  feet.  Such  a  noise !  She  had  never  heard  the 
like  before.  It  had  passed  to  the  further  end  of  the  hall,  and 
was  returning  with  redoubled  terror,  when  in  her  night  regalia, 
the  picture  of  fright,  she  threw  open  the  door  and  screamed — 

"  For  mercy  sake,  what  is  the  matter  ?  Is  the  house  afire  ? 
1  Tis  a  fire  bell  —  0,  dear !  what  shall  I  do  ?  I  can  never  find 
the  way  down." 

"  This  is  the  first  ring,  ma'am,"  said  the  waiter  laughing. 
"  We  ring  again  for  breakfast." 

Mrs.  W 's  panic  was  allayed,  yet  she  was  at  a  loss  to 

know  what  it  was  that  made  such  a  dreadful  noise. 

Let  no  one  make  sport  of  the  poor  woman,  for  who  that  ever 
heard  a  gong  for  the  first  time,  but  felt  his  hair  rise  on  end 
and  his  flesh  crawl,  at  the  terrific  yell. 

At  an  early  hour  began  the  surrounding  country,  to  pour  into 
16* 


186  LUCY   BOSTON. 

the  city,  in  its  accustomed  manner.  The  morning  stages,  well 

laden,  arrived  from  various  directions.  Mrs;  W supposed 

they  were  all  coming  to  attend  the  convention. 

Doctor  Badger  and  his  companion  repairing  to  the  public 
hall,  in  advance  of  the  hour,  found  but  a  few  persons  present. 

Miss  Boston  had  arrived  in  town.  A  number  of  "  strong- 
minded  "  women  and  one  or  two  («?ea&-minded)  men  attended 
her.  They  entered  the  hall  in  company,  and  occupied  the 
platform.  The  edifice  was  respectably  filled;  the  audience  a 
miscellaneous  one.  In  front  of  the  stand  sat  the  reporters 
of  the  several  "  dailies,"  with  pen  in  hand,  ready  to  chronicle 
the  "  demonstration  "  so  potent  in  its  bearing  upon  the  desti- 
nies of  man. 

One  of  the  ladies,  whose  name  was  announced,  opened  the 
meeting  by  a  short  speech,  at  the  close  of  which  she  introduced 
Miss  Boston  to  the  audience. 

Our  heroine,  amid  applause  —  her  naturally  dignified  person, 
made  even  more  majestic  by  her  rich  costume,  new  in  material 
but  not  in  style  —  delivered  a  lengthy  and  powerful  address, 
in  which  she  contended — 

First.     "That  woman  had  been  and  was  enslaved." 

Secondly.     "  That  she  could  if  she  icouldfie  free."  and 

Thirdly.  She  followed  with  some  pertinent  and  forcible  re- 
marks, in  substance  —  that  a  mighty  eifort  was  being  made  — 
that  the  world  was  moving  —  old  foundations  were  breaking 
up  —  a  new  and  better-balanced  system  was  forming  —  she 
felt  confident  that  the  next  Legislature  would  show  a  majority 
in  favor  of  "woman's  rights,"  and  urged  her  sex  to  "cut" 
the  society  of  those  who  refused  their  co-operation.  She 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    187 

hoped  the  sacred  name  of  woman  would  no  longer  be  disgraced 
—  or  rather  that  she  would  cease  to  disgrace  herself,  by  truck- 
ling to  the  arrogated  power  of  her  master  —  and  concluded 
by  affirming  that  she  had  a  divine  conviction  of  the  truth 
and  justice  and  success  of  their  cause  —  that  a  supernatural 
revelation,  she  had  the  best  reason  to  believe,  had  been  made, 
and  of  which  she  hoped  and  prayed  they  might  receive  the 
benefit,  before  the  die  should  be  cast  at  the  Ides  of  November. 

The  address  was  listened  to  with  great  attention,  and  pro- 
duced an  unexpected  sensation.  The  gravity  of  the  speaker 
and  earnestness  of  her  manner  impressed  every  one  with  the 
truth  of  her  sincerity  and  confidence  of  speedy  triumph. 

Miss  B 's  closing  sentence  made  a  special  impression  on 

the  mind  of  the  revelator  of  the  Mermaid.  Satisfied  that  the 
allusion  was  to  none  other  than  himself,  his  pride  was  elevated, 
and  he  felt  an  itching  to  make  known  his  identity,  but  whether 
to  seek  a  renewal  of  acquaintance  was  a  query.  His  feelings 
prompted  him  to  go  forward  and  introduce  himself,  but  a  tremb- 
ling timidity  held  him  back. 

Lucy  having  resumed  her  seat,  a  reverend  gentleman  fol- 
lowed with  some  cogent  remarks,  in  support  of  the  previous 
address,  in  the  course  of  which,  he  alluded  to  the  spiritual 
manifestations  and  prophecies,  all  leading,  he  said,  to  the  con- 
viction that  "  woman's  rights  "  must  prevail. 

Badger  deeply  intent  upon  hearing  and  understanding  every 
word,  kept  his  eyes  fixed  upon  the  speaker,  with  the  gaze  of 

motionless  abstraction.  Miss  B was  observed  to  leave  the 

platform.  Her  eye  had  caught  and  recognized  her  quondam  ac- 
quaintance of  Mermaid  memory.  Fortuitous  concurrence  !  ar- 


188  LUCY   BOSTON. 

ranged  no  doubt  by  the  spirits  imparting  fresh  hope  to  our 
heroine,  and  to  "  woman's  rights  "  a  new  impetus. 

Soon  the  revelator  might  disappear  in  the  crowd.  It  was 
her  care  not  to  lose  trace  of  him  again,  and  gliding  noiselessly 
down  the  aisle  she  was  quickly  at  his  side,  but  unobserved  by 
him,  so  lost  was  he  in  attention  to  the  speaker.  Her  finger 
rested  lightly  on  his  shoulder,  yet  he  was  insensible  to  the 
touch,  when  Mrs.  W ,  who  had  the  happy  capacity  of  see- 
ing everything,  whispered  in  his  ear — 

"  Miss  Boston's  hand  is  on  your  shoulder." 

Brought  to  his  senses  by  this  announcement,  he  sprang  in- 
voluntary to  his  feet,  almost  as  much  surprised  as  when  he  saw 
the  Mermaid. 

"  At  what  house  do  you  stop,  sir/'  inquired  Miss  B ,  in 

a  suppressed  tone. 

"  The  <  Central/  "  he  replied,  in  a  loud  whisper. 

"  I  will  see  you  at  your  room,  immediately  after  the  adjourn- 
ment," said  she,  and  returned  to  the  platform.  The  Doctor 
settled  back  into  his  seat  with  an  air  of  pride,  bordering  on 
pomposity,  at  this  public  distinction  paid  to  him  by  the  illus- 
trious lecturer.  The  movement,  though  observed,  attracted 
but  the  momentary  attention  of  the  audience. 

Several  individuals  followed  in  brief  remarks,  committees 
were  appointed  to  circulate  petitions,  and  the  convention  closed. 

Miss  Boston,  punctual  to  appointment,  found  Amaziah  await- 
ing her  arrival,  took  his  hand  with  almost  a  masculine  grip, 
and  expressed  her  great  joy  at  meeting  him  so  opportunely. 

"  The  privilege  to  ask  questions  being  one  of  woman's 
rights,  allow  me  to  enquire  your  name,  sir,"  said  she. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXm    CENTURY.    189 

"  Amaziah  Badger.  I  live  in  the  village  of  O /'  was  the 

reply. 

"  Mr.  Badger,  pardon  me  the  liberties  I  take.  Freedom, 
you  know,  is  my  creed.  It  is  impossible  for  me  to  express  the 
anxiety  I  have  had  to  see  you  —  and  great  is  my  good  fortune 
in  this  unexpected  interview.  Providence  first  threw  us  into 
contact,  and  Providence  has  led  us  hither  for  a  merciful  and 
benevolent  purpose,  I  cannot  doubt.  But  have  you  again  seen 
the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid  ?  " 

"  I  have  not,  ma'am." 

"Have  you  ever  received  (  manifestations'  from  any  other 
spirits  ?  " 

"  I  have  not,  ma'am." 

"  Have  you  ever  attended  a  spirit  meeting  ?  " 

"I  never  have,  but  I'd  like  to,  though." 

"  Is  it  possible,  Mr.  Badger,  that  you  have  never  met  with 
a  ' circle;'  and  is  there  none  in  your  village? " 

"  No,  I  never  saw  any  such  thing  in  my  life.  There  aint 
any  at  our  place." 

Lucy  was  struck  with  astonishment  at  the  mystery,  for  such 
she  regarded  it,  and  this  entirely  convinced  her  that  the  spirits 
came  of  their  own  accord,  and  not  by  enticement,  neither  by 
persuasion  nor  force. 

"  Mr.  Badger,  asked  she,  with  anxiety,  "  do  you  not  know, 
or  can  you  not  devise  some  means  by  which  to  obtain  one  more 
interview  with  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid  ?  " 

"I  don't  know  of  any  thing,  Miss  Boston.  I  havn't  any 
reason  to  expect  I  shall  ever  see  it  again." 

"But  what  seemed  to  be  the  object  of  her  appearance?" 


190  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  She  said  it  was  because  I  didn't  love  the  ladies  better,  and 
she  wanted  to  convince  me  of  their  cruel  wrongs  and  prophecy 
about  them." 

This  he  said,  not  sensible  of  his  being  made  the  Medium  of 
spiritual  communication  in  furtherance  of  the  great  reform. 

"  Have  you  any  objection  to  making  this  revelation  known 
to  the  world  ?  " 

"I  don't  know  as  I  have,  but  it  wouldn't  do  any  good. 
The  thing  is  settled,  Miss  Boston.  You  are  going  to  conquer. 
I  know  it  just  as  well  as  can  be.  I  don't  believe  there  is  six 
men  in  our  whole  town  opposed  to  us,  and  if  you  could  only 
hold  a  convention  there  we'd  have  'em  all." 

"  Is  it  known  there,  Mr.  Badger,  that  you  have  received  this 
revelation  ?  " 

"  No — I  never  lisped  it  to  anybody  but  you  and  Mrs.  Wilson." 

"  If  I  could  only  have  an  interview  with  that  spirit,  what  a 
boon  it  would  be  to  the  world.  Do  you  follow  the  directions 
it  gave  you,  sir  ?  " 

"  Certainly  I  do.     I  havn't  any  wish  not  to." 

"  Suppose  you  should  take  grounds  against  us,  do  you  think 
it  would  make  its  appearance  to  you  again  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,  I'm  sure.  But  I  can't  take  ground  against 
you.  I  shouldn't  know  how,  if  I  wanted  to." 

"What,  if  you  should  declare  that  it  was  all  a  dream,- and 
that  you  will  not  be  satisfied  without  another  (  manifestation  ?' 
Would  she  not  return  to  deliver  you  from  unbelief  ?  " 

"  I  know  it  wasn't  a  dream.  I  saw  her  twice,  as  plain  as 
day,  and  heard  her  speak  just  as  clear  as  I  hear  you  this  min- 
ute," said  he,  warming  into  animation. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    191 

"  Suppose  you  try  to  believe  that  you  are  deceived,  and  see 
the  effect,  or  simply  imagine  it  a  delusion." 

"  I  know  I  can't  do  it.     But  I'll  try,  if  you  want  me  to." 

"  Well,  now,  you  endeavor  for  a  while  to  work  yourself  into 
the  opinion  that  what  you  thought  you  saw,  had  no  reality, 
and  we  will  watch  the  result.  I  should  like  to  introduce  you 
to  my  friends,  and  have  you  relate  the  whole  thing  to  them,  if 
you  are  willing."  » 

"  I  havn't  no  objections  as  I  know  of.  But  shall  I  tell  them 
it  was  real,  or  that  I  don't  believe  there  was  any  truth  in  it?" 

"  Describe  the  scene  as  it  appeared  to  you,  and  note  the 
impression  it  will  produce  upon  their  minds." 

"  Shall  I  answer  all  the  questions  they  ask  me  ?" 

"  As  you  like." 

"  You  havn't  any  doubt  but  we  shall  carry  the  next  election, 
have  you,  Miss  Boston  ?" 

"  I  think  our  prospects  are  very  good,  but  vigilance  is  the 
price  of  success." 

"  Do  you  meet  with  much  opposition  ?" 

"  0  yes,  like  all  reformers,  we  are  talked  against  and  ridi- 
culed by  certain  classes,  in  speech  and  through  the  press.  But 
the  political  papers  dare  not  oppose  us  directly,  neither  have 
they  courage,  honesty,  nor  the  justice  to  come  out  boldly  in 
our  favor.  They  are  the  organs  of  their  respective  parties,  and 
their  parties  do  they  serve,  alike  unheeding  the  cries  of  the 
oppressed  and  the  voice  of  God.  But  the  principal  opposition 
we  have  to  meet  is  from  a  class  of  independent  sheets.  You 
will  doubtless  see  a  caricature  of  our  meeting  in  the  morning 
prints." 


192  LUCY    BOSTON 

"  Let  'em  make  all  the  sport  of  us  they  can,  Miss  Boston," 
said  Badger,  with  rising  indignation.  "  Every  body  '11  know 
they  are  only  pokin  fun  at  us." 

"  Very  true,  Mr.  Badger,  but  I  had  much  rather  take  the 
field  in  opposition  to  sober  reason  than  burlesque,  at  any  time. 
The  blows  of  argument  we  can  meet  and  parry,  but  against  the 
shafts  of  ridicule  and  derision  we  have  no  defense.  They  are 
sure  to  pierce  through  the  'joints  of  the  harness '  somewhere." 

"  But  if  we  are  only  sober  and  sincere,  every  body  will  know 
that  we  are  on  the  right  side,  instead  of  those  who  are  all  the 
while  laughing  and  making  sport." 

"  Reason  and  Ridicule,  Mr.  Badger,  are  two  mighty  leaders — 
the  latter  more  formidable  than  the  former  —  in  strife  for  the 
mastery  among  mankind,  in  the  gross  of  human  nature.  It  is 
so  in  the  nature  of  things.  While  Reason  takes  now  and  then 
a  solitary  prisoner,  Ridicule  will  draw  off  whole  squadrons  of 
deserters.  Hence  are  we  obliged  to  contend  at  great  odds ; 
yet  I  believe  we  are  destined  to  conquer,  notwithstanding." 

"  So  do  I  believe  so.  They  are  all  on  the  right  side,  out  our 
way,  but  about  half  a  dozen,  and  they  are  real  hard  cases.  We 
can  never  have  any  peace  till  they  are  out  of  the  way.  I  wish 
you  could  come,  Miss  Boston,  and  hold  one  convention  there. 
We  shouldn't  have  any  trouble  after  that." 

"  Most  gladly  would  I  go,  Mr.  Badger,  if  you  could  secure 
me  an  introduction  to  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid." 

"  As  to  that,  I  can't  exactly  promise,"  said  he. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Badger,  I  am  exceedingly  happy  in  receiving 
so  good  an  account  of  our  prospects  in  your  section.  If  you 
will  now  accompany  me  to  my  hotel,  I  will  make  you  acquainted 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXTH    CENTURY.    193 

with  my  comrades,  who  will  be  glad  to  hear  from  your  own 
lips  a  description  of  your  interview  with  the  spirit." 

"  I'd  a  little  rather  they'd  come  here,  if  you've  no  objec- 
tions," said  he,  with  hesitation. 

"  Very  well,  just  as  you  prefer ;  I  will  bring  them  directly," 
said  she,  departing. 

Why  he  should  decline  the  honor  of  appearing  in  public 
with  his  distinguished  visitor,  and  in  his  eyes  the  noblest 
champion  of  the  cause  he  had  espoused  —  whether  the  reason 
lay  primarily  within  himself,  or  more  in  the  vicinity  of  his 
next  door  neighbor — we  will  not  pretend  to  determine.  Suffice 

it  to  say,  Mrs.  W knew  to  a  second  when  her  gallant  was 

left  alone,  and  at  once  put  him  to  the  torture  of  an  inquisition 
as  to  the  origin,  subject,  circumstances,  and  results  of  his 
being  closeted  with  the  bloomer,  and  why  herself  had  been 
excused  from  the  secrecy.  The  Doctor  thought  he  discovered 
in  her  evident  symptoms  of  a  Jit,  and  as  she  was  on  his  hands, 
he  began  to  deliberate  upon  the  best  mode  of  treatment.  It 
was  a  delicate  question  to  decide,  whether  the  case  required  an 
internal  or  external  application  —  that  is  to  say,  a  dose  of  his 
"pills,"  or  a  new  dress.  Fortunately  there  was,  from  some 
cause,  a  sudden  change,  and  the  paroxysm  passed,  much  to  the 
relief  of  the  Doctor,  as  well  as  the  patient. 

Miss  Boston  resorting  to  her  associates,  informed  them,  with 
evident  agitation,  that  she  had  found  the  person  who  claimed 
to  have  seen  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid  and  received  at  her 
mouth  the  prophetic  revelation  of  the  certain  and  speedy 
triumph  of  the  cause  of  "woman's  rights;"  that  he  had  kindly 
consented  to  relate  the  whole  matter  to  them,  at  his  room,  and 
17 


194  LUCY    BOSTON. 

knowing  they  would  rejoice  to  avail  themselves  of  the  special 
favor,  she  had  come  to  escort  them  thither. 

Her  reverend  coadjutor,  Mr.  Q ,  listened  in  utter  as- 
tonishment, then  fixing  his  dark  and  piercing  eye  upon  her, 
with  withering  look  and  manner,  said, 

"  Miss  Boston,  I  always  esteemed  you  as  a  lady  of  sense  and 
a  Christian.  If  you  are  serious  and  know  what  you  say,  you 
are  neither.  What !  You  a  believer  in  these  latter-day  impos- 
tors, these  false  prophets  and  lying  spirits  in  league  with  the 
Devil,  who  shame  decency  and  common  sense,  and  set  religion 
at  defiance?  No  one  but  an  idiot  or  an  infidel  can  be  guilty 
of  such  blasphemy.  The  idiot  is  excusable  —  the  infidel 
never." 

This  hasty  and  severe,  if  not  ill-tempered  rebuke,  fell  like  a 
thunderbolt  upon  Miss  Boston.  It  was  calling  down  fire  from 
heaven  to  consume  the  heretic. 

The  females  composing  the  rest  of  her  party  were  at  once 
alive  with  curiosity  and  impatient  to  go  and  see  the  man.  The 
reverend  reformer,  in  a  flame  of  holy  indignation,  or  of  hot  dis- 
pleasure, said  he  was  strongly  in  favor  of  "woman's  rights," 
but  was  ashamed  of  his  present  company  —  that  he  would 
travel  with  them  no  more,  and  left  in  disgust. 

They  in  turn  were  amazed  at  the  conduct  of  the  deserter. 
Lucy  said  it  was  only  another  proof  of  man's  despotic  nature 
—  that  she  knew  they  were  bound  to  succeed  in  fulfillment  of 
the  prophecy,  and  on  the  whole  it  was  fortunate  he  had  gone, 
since  he  could  now  have  no  claim  upon  them  for  any  office,  ap- 
pointment or  mercy,  when  the  happy  day  of  their  power  should 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     195 

l(  Yes,"  added  the  others,  "  we'll  mark  Jiim.  We'll  show 
him  who  t\\v  fools  are." 

Repairing  to  his  quarters  they  found  the  revelator,  and  with 
him  Mrs.  Wilson,  whose  jealousy  as  well  as  curiosity  was  not 
a  little  excited.  She  could  not  imagine  why  they  should  be 
paying  so  much  attention  to  her  beau,  and  determined,  by 
sticking  by,  to  know  the  whole  story. 

The  ceremonies  of  introduction  ended;  at  the  request  of 

Miss  B ,  the  revelator  began  and  narrated,  in  detail,  the 

account  and  prophecy  of  the  Mermaid,  at  which  his  new  listen- 
ers, were  not  only  filled  with  amazement,  but  intoxicated  with 

j°y- 

They  concluded,  that  if  Mr.  Badger  could  be  engaged  to 
journey  with  them  and  relate  his  experience,  in  connection  with 
the  lectures,  it  would  put  scepticism  to  the  route  and  annihi- 
late all  opposition.  It  was  considered  an  expedient  acquisition, 
as  their  ecclesiastical  follower  had  apostatized  and  seceded  from 
them,  that  some  'man  should  be  adopted  to  fill  his  place  as  their 
valet  and  sort  of  body-guard. 

Mrs.  Wilson,  delighted  with  her  new  acquaintances  and 
fellow  laborers  in  the  reform,  beset  them  with  great  vehemence 
to  accompany  her  home,  because,  as  she  said, 

"  Husband  and  I  disagree,  which  will  make  it  very  unpleas- 
ant if  he  aint  converted.  Now,  Miss  Boston,  you're  just  the 
woman  to  do  it.  If  you'll  only  go  and  give  him  one  lecture 
the  job  will  be  done.  Now  you  will  go,  won't  you,  Miss  Bos- 
ton ?  Don't  say  no,  for  nothing." 

Doctor  Badger,  interposing,  also  urged  them  most  strenu- 
ously to  accept  the  invitation,  and  as  an  irresistible  inducement 


196  LUCY    BOSTON. 

ventured  to  hint,  that  possibly  they  might  be  favored  with 
another  visit  from  the  Mermaid.  Upon  what  they  deemed 
mature  deliberation,  it  was  decided,  on  the  grounds  of  expedi- 
ency, to  abandon  their  published  "  bill,"  and  follow  the  reve- 
lator  and  his  hostess,  in  hope  of  seeing  the  "spirit;"  at  least, 
they  could  visit  the  holy  chamber  where  it  had  appeared  and 
prophesied  —  a  circumstance,  the  relation  of  which  would  pro- 
duce great  effect  and  make  many  converts. 

-  - 
' 


• 

CHAPTER   XVI, 

"  Murder  will  out" 


WITH  the  reader's  consent — leaving  our  "  woman's  rights" 
coterie  to  follow  at  their  leisure  —  we  will  take  Express 
and  hasten  back  in  advance  to  our  village,  and  note  some  events 
of  importance  that  had  there  transpired. 

It  is  almost  impossible  for  the  historian  to  keep  pace  with 
the  intelligence,  improvements,  and  discoveries  of  this  fast 
age.  We  set  out  with  the  benevolent  design  of  giving  to  the 
world  a  narrative  of  facts,  no  less  authentic  and  momentous 
than  novel  and  mysterious.  Already  are  we  filled  with  fear, 
lest  many  incidents  in  the  multitudinous  rush  escape  the  notice 
of  our  pen,  and  which  almost  makes  us  shrink  from  our  pro- 
posed task,  to  save  ourselves  the  reputation  of  an  unfaithful 
chronicler.  Nevertheless,  what  we  do  produce  shall  possess 
the  substance,  not  the  mask,  of  truthfulness,  a  quality  of 
which  many  works  of  fiction  cannot  boast,  among  the  countless 
publications  of  the  day. 

Circumstances  —  by  the  direction  of  the  spirits,  we  may 

suppose  —  rendered  it  necessary   for  the    lecturer  to  absent 

himself,  at  least  for  awhile.     Great  enquiry  was  made  as  to 

the  cause  of  his  sudden  disappearance  and  the  place  of  his  re- 

17  *  (197) 


198  LUCY    BOSTON. 

tirement;  but  as  the  occasion  of  his  absence  was  veiled  in 
doubt,  so  no  trace  of  him  could  be  obtained  from  either  mortal 
or  spirit.  Rumor  whispered  that  a  spirit  of  envy  or  jealousy 
appearing  among  the  fairer  members  of  the  "  circle/'  was 
working  a  "  manifestation"  of  the  mysterious  secret.  It  is 
worthy  of  notice  that  the  lecturer  displayed  the  singular  sa- 
gacity to  lay  in  store  against  a  "  rainy  day/'  not  only  the  full 
arrears  of  his  wages,  but  a  handsome  sum  in  advance. 

Still  the  circle's  confidence  in  him  suffered  no  abatement,  till 
on  the  heel  of  his  departure  it  was  announced  that  he  was  a  mere 
ia&ein  spirit-knowledge  and  power — that  he  did  not  understand 
the  geography,  nor  the  inhabitants  and  laws  of  the  Spirit-Land, 
at  all — that  there  were  "  spheres"  of  which  he  had  never  dream- 
ed ;  in  short,  he  had  never  traversed  even  the  surface  of  Spirit- 
ualism, much  less  ascended  its  heights  and  sounded  its  depths. 

It  was  also  discovered  for  the  first  time  that  there  were  but 
four  persons  on  earth  whose  capacities  enabled  them  to  pene- 
trate and  unfold  the  mysteries  of  Spiritdom,  and  these  ghostly 
Tetrachs  were  enthroned  respectively  in  the  four  quarters  of 
the  globe.  There  were,  it  is  true,  more  or  less  inferior  Me- 
diums through  whom  the  lower  order  of  shades  would  occa- 
sionally communicate  things  of  trifling  importance. 

The  author  of  this  thrilling  intelligence,  and  the  Great 
High  Priest  of  Spiritualism,  was  there  in  the  midst  of  them, 
and  his  name  was  and  is  Amos  FunglcTiead.  To  him  was 
nothing  unseen  nor  unknown.  He  held  it  a  cardinal  truth, 
that  under  the  espionage  of  his  spiritual  police,  no  event  es- 
caped his  cognizance,  neither  was  there  any  secret,  however 
hidden,  but  he  could  spy  it.  If  the  reader  is  disposed  to  call 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXin    CENTURY.    199 

this  in  question,  let  the  following  instance  of  his  infallibility 
banish  every  doubt. 

In  a  neighboring  town  a  most  diabolical  murder  was  sup- 
posed to  have  been  committed  in  the  sudden  and  mysterious 
disappearance  of  a  collector  of  taxes  who  was  known  to  have 
had  a  large  sum  of  money  in  his  possession.  Amos,  in  spirit- 
vision,  saw  the  corpse  !  and  plunder !  and  bloody  knife  !  He 
discovered  the  murderers,  but  refused  to  reveal  their  names, 
like  a  good  and  peaceful  citizen,  unwilling  to  loose  the  blood- 
hounds of  vengeance;  yet,  yielding  to  the  promptings  of  sym- 
pathy and  the  .claims  of  humanity,  he  resolved  to  enlighten 
the  world  and  relieve  the  friends  of  the  murdered  victim  from 
a  suspense  more  intolerable  than  a  knowledge  of  the  dreadful 
fact  itself.  Accordingly  for  the  greater  certainty,  having  sur- 
charged the  battery  of  his  telegraph,  and  set  all  the  spiritual 
wires  in  operation,  he  put  on  his  spiritual  specs,  when  lo  !  ho 
beheld  thirteen  objects,  two  of  which  were  the  body  and  the 
money  —  the  former  beneath  a  large  stone-heap,  the  latter 
rolled  up  in  a  blanket,  and  the  localities  of  which  be  definitely 
described.  The  question  was  thus  settled.  The  sceptics  must 
succomb  now  !  The  reality  of  Funglehead's  inspiration  coukl 
no  longer  be  gainsayed.  With  the  faith  of  assurance,  a  large 
party  of  the  "  circle"  and  their  disciples,  in  solemn  procession, 
preceded  by  the  hearse,  set  out  to  disinter  the  body  and  restore 
it  to  the  mourning  friends.  Reaching  the  vicinity  of  the  ap- 
pointed locality,  one  thing  after  another  met  their  gaze,  in  ex- 
act accordance  with  the. vision  of  Amos.  At  last  the  pile  of 
stones  was  discovered.  With  slow  and  muffled  tread  they  ap- 
proached the  grave  of  the  murdered  tax-gatherer.  How  sad, 


200  LUCY    BOSTON. 

how  awful  the  scene !  Every  heart  throbbed  with  emotion, 
and  many  an  eye  moistened  with  the  tear  of  sympathy.  The 
coroner  ordered  them  to  proceed.  With  sepulchral  awe  the 
stones  were  removed,  and  behold !  the  body  was  not  there !  I 
What  could  have  become  of  it  ? 

Notwithstanding  the  solemnity  with  which  the  occasion  was 
invested  by  the  spiritists,  there  was  not  a  little  merriment 
among  the  "  outsiders/'  at  the  expense  of  Funglehead  and  his 
followers,  who  had  sweat  in  vain,  in  their  work  of  removing 
the  funeral  "hard  heads,"forihe  purpose  of  furnishing  a  prac- 
tical "  demonstration  "  of  Funglehead's  divinity  and  the  value 
to  mankind,  beyond  conception,  of  his  spiritual  telegraph  and 
spectacles. 

Though  made  the  butt  of  sport  and  jeer  by  the  unbelieving 
multitude,  the  zealots,  instead  of  being  disheartened,  did  but 
grow  in  faith  and  ardor.  Martyr-like,  they  endured  it  with 
patience  and  fortitude,  for  the  sake  of  the  cause.  Nor  did 
their  recent  failure  diminish  their  confidence  in  their  High 
Priest.  On  the  contrary,  hope,  "immortal  in  the  human 
breast,"  only  waxed  the  stronger,  and  they  returned  for  the 
Seer  to  take  another  peep  through  his  spiritual  glasses. 

Amos  was  consulted  without  delay.  He  insisted  that  his 
vision  was  clear,  and  for  a  time  would  not  be  persuaded  that 
the  search  was  thoroughly  made.  But  his  own  most  devoted 
disciples  were  the  actors  of  the  scene.  Their  hands  lifted 
every  stone,  their  eyes  looked  upon  the  spot.  There  was  abso- 
lutely nothing  there.  Amos  was  forced  to  admit  the  fact,  but 
declared  his  determination  not  to  give  it  up.  He  would  know 
where  the  body  was. 


FOLLIES  OF  THE  XIXiH  CENTURY.     201 

Fortunately,  he  had  discovered  in  the  vicinity  a  large  rock, 
to  which  the  spirits  had  guided  him,  and  whose  particles  were 
pervaded  with  spiritual  electricity  in  the  positive  state.  Fun- 
glehead  himself  was  a  negative  quantity  ;  so  by  his  sitting  on 
the  rock,  thus  bringing  the  magnetic  poles  into  contact,  a  spirit- 
ual battery  was  formed,  and  in  which  all  the  telegraphic  lines 
concentrated,  like  nerves  of  thought  and  beams  of  light,  re- 
vealing to  the  optics  of  the  Seer,  everything  within  range  of 
Earth  and  the  Spheres.*  One  would  suppose  that,  being  the 
"  Medium"  of  the  action  of  such  mighty  forces,  he  must  have 
experienced  darting  pains  and  convulsive  gripes,  but  contrari- 
wise, his  whole  system,  as  he  affirmed,  thrilled  with  sensations 
infinitely  pleasurable.  This  was  truly  a  discovery,  superior  in 
marvel  and  utility  to  the  "golden  bough"  of  classic  memory, 
which  served  its  possessor  as  a  passport  to  and  from  the  Spirit- 
World. 

This  rock  was  in  shape,  conical,  and  in  texture,  rough ;  but 
its  surface,  to  the  sensibilities  of  Funglehead's  pantaloons,  was 
smooth  and  soft  as  a  cushion  of  velvet.  In  its  exturnal  appear- 
ance there  was  nothing  peculiar  to  the  natural  eye.  A  geolo- 
gist of  our  vulgar  system  would  have  called  it  a  granite  "  boul- 
der," but  it  belonged  to  a  formation  of  the  Upper  Spheres,  and 
had  been  transported  hither  by  the  spirits  and  christened"  The 
Rock  of  Vision." 

For  the  safety  of  those  who  had  not  spirit  optics  in  their 
head,  Amos  erected  over  it  the  inscription,  in  large  black  letters, 


*  This  docs  not  militate  against  the  theory  of  purely  spiritual  intercourse.    In  ac- 
cordance with  the  law  of  "  means  to  an  end,"  this  was  their  modus  aperandi. 


202  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  Death   to  him  that  sitteth  upon  this  rock  —  thus  sailh  the 
spirits." 

In  presence  of  the  messengers  bringing  melancholy  tidings 
of  the  corpsely  alibi,  Amos  the  Seer  approached  the  "  Rock 
of  Vision."  Having  calmly  surveyed  it,  he  waved  his  hand, 
laid  aside  his  hat,  drew  off  his  boots  (as  they  had  nails  in  them 
which  might  attract  the  electric  current  from  the  brain  to  the 
heels),  and  said — 

"Attend,  ye  spirits,  while  I  ascend  the  Rock  of  Vision." 

Immediately  mounting,  he  seated  himself  upon  its  apex,  with 
his  legs  crossed,  arms  folded,  and  goggles  adjusted  with  great 
precision  astride  his  nose. 

In  addition  to  its  other  qualities,  there  oozed  from  this  rock 
a  spiritual  cerate  or  ointment,  which  applied  to  Funglehead's 
glasses,  not  only  cleared  them  of  all  impurities,  but  imparted 
to  them  the  quality  of  clairvoyance.  The  spiritual  chemicals 
now  worked  to  a  charm.  The  electro-magnetic  rays  shot 
through  the  tubes  of  his  goggles,  throwing  into  the  camera  ob- 
scura  of  his  mortal  vision  a  universal  panorama  of  all  realities. 
The  rock  and  Amos  together  emitted  a  blaze  of  phosphores- 
cence, attended  by  occasional  reports  of  the  electrical  current. 

His  disciples,  overwhelmed  with  awe,  gazed  upon  the  spec- 
tacle in  silence. 

"  Hear  ye,  hear  ye,"  cried  the  Seer,  "  I  am  going  to  look  ! 
Be  ye  attentive  and  believing.  The  spirits  command  it ! " 
Each  in  obedience  stood  motionless  and  almost  breathless.  "  Be- 
hold,  I  see  !"said  Funglehead  —  "I  see  the  stones  ye  removed. 
I  see  blood  upon  them  now.  Had  ye  gone  where  I  directed  ye, 
and  done  as  I  bid  ye,  ye  would  have  found  the  body.  Let 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    203 

this  teach  ye  always  to  obey  our  commands.  We  never  coun- 
cil ill.  Ye  never  more  can  behold  the  body.  It  hath  been 
consumed  by  fire.  It  hath  been  burned  in  the  lime-kiln.  Go 
ye  on  the  last  day  of  the  week,  at  noon  precisely,  to  the  kiln 
and  gather  ye  the  ashes  that  lieth  at  the  mouth  thereof,  to  the 
measure  of  one  bushel.  Bring  them  to  the  "  Rock  of  Vision," 
in  a  wooden  vessel.  Fail  not." 

Thus  spake  Funglehead  the  High  Priest.  The  vision  was 
ended,  and  his  goggles  were  nought  but  vulgar  glass  and 
leather  again. 

The  body  consumed  !  There  was  not  a  moment  to  be  lost 
in  conveying  the  melancholy  intelligence  to  the  friends  of  the 
deceased. 

Wretches!  fiends!  who  thus  could  not  only  slay  an  inno- 
cent fellow-being,  but,  to  destroy  the  evidence  of  their  guilt, 
ruthlessly  roast  the  corpse  to  ashes  ! 

But  that,  could  by  no  means  prevent  the  detection.  "  Mur- 
der will  out."  The  joy  of  the  spiritists  was  full,  for  they  had 
now  learned,  to  a  certainty,  the  fate  of  the  collector. 

Funglehead  descended  from  his  rock,  much  exhausted.  The 
spiritual  afflatus,  with  the  effort  it  cost  him  to  utter  and  accent 
the  language  of  the  Spheres,  had  severely  taxed  his  nervous  and 
muscular  energies. 

News  of  the  miraculous  discovery  spread  through  the  com- 
munity with  great  velocity.  The  appointed  day  arrived  to 
prove  the  veracity  of  the  Seer,  and  the  authenticity  of  Spirit- 
ualism. The  disciples  of  Funglehead,  the  High  Priest,  assem- 
bling, en  masse,  proceeded  to  gather  up  the  ashes  of  the  dead, 
to  be  deposited  in  the  urn  of  immortality.  Winds  shrieked, 


204  LUCY    BOSTON. 

floods  poured,  as  if  Nature  herself  was  enraged  at  the  diaboli- 
cal tragedy  -which  had  been  enacted.  But  water  could  not 
dampen  the  courage  of  the  zealots,  nor  winds  "  bluff  'em  off." 
They  reached  the  lime-kiln  at  the  precise  moment,  when  to 
their  astonishment  the  same  had  not  been  "  fired."  Still  their 
confidence  in  Funglehead's  spectacles  did  not  wane,  but  waxed. 
One  search  more  would  reveal  the  victim,  the  infallibility  of 
the  Great  High  Priest  would  be  established,  and  Spiritualism 
placed  on  a  foundation  as  firm  and  lasting  as  the  eternal  hills. 

The  kiln,  it  was  observed,  bad  been  recently  constructed, 
a  circumstantial  proof  of  great  weight,  that  they  stood  by  the 
sepulcher  of  the  dead.  The  groans  of  the  disconsolate  spirit 
saluted  their  ears,  and  every  stone  cried  murder  !  Returning 
minus  the  ashes,  they  reported  to  the  High  Priest  the  result 
of  their  mission. 

Funglehead  maintained  the  singleness  of  his  eyesight  and 
the  correctness  of  his  glasses.  But  the  Rock  of  Vision,  he 
said,  had  gathered  dampness  from  the  fog  of  the  previous 
night,  so  swelling  its  particles,  and  closing  its  pores,  as  to  pre- 
vent a  free  perspiring  of  the  spiritual  essence,  which  might 
possibly  have  occasioned  the  slight  mistake.  Indeed,  he  recol- 
lected his  having  noticed  a  blur  upon  his  goggles  at  the  time. 
But  he  assured  his  devotees  that  he  would  look  again,  in  the 
night-time,  as  soon  as  the  atmosphere  should  clear  up,  when 
he  could  retire  alone  in  the  stillness,  with  nought  to  distract  his 
attention,  and  when  the  rock  in  a  healthy  state  would  yield  its 
spiritual  perspiration,  to  purify  and  perfect  his  optical  organs. 
Then  no  mistake  could  happen,  as  his  vision  would  be  unob- 
structed by  any  earthly  obstacle. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    205 

To  his  followers,  this  explanation  was  abundantly  satisfactory, 
proving  the  profound  sagacity  of  the  great  exponent  and  prop- 
agator of  "  Spiritualism."  It  also  showed  how  delicately  exact, 
like  the  Daguerreian  art,  every  item  of  the  process  must  be, 
while  it  argued  infinite  shrewdness  on  the  part  of  the  spirits 
to  protect  the  community  against  impostors. 

Funglehead  awaited  a  favorable  opportunity  to  sit,  having 
promised  to  give  definite  information  at  an  early  day,  as  to  the 
locality  of  the  remains  of  the  murdered  man,  and  charged  the 
"  circle "  to  hold  themselves  in  readiness  for  the  search  at  a 
moment's  warning. 

At  length  he  announced  his  positive  discovery  of  the  body, 
minutely  describing  marks  of  violence  upon  it,  and  the  wound 
that  proved  the  fatal  stab.  It  was,  he  said,  in  the  lime-kiln, 
about  the  middle  thereof,  and  which  was  soon  to  be  "  fired," 
and  he  commanded  them  to  hasten,  strong-handed  and  with  all 
despatch  to  the  rescue,  not  only  of  the  butchered  victim,  but 
also  of  the  honor  of  "Spiritualism."  Portentous  moment! 
that  was  to  save  the  spiritualists  from  defeat  and  retrieve  their 
falling  credit. 

Again  without  delay  a  large  concourse  joined  in  solemn  pro- 
cession, proceeded  to  the  kiln,  when  —  horrible  to  behold! 
—  the  same  had  been  on  fire  for  two  days  !  Not  the  slightest 
doubt  existed  in  the  minds  of  the  believers,  but  the  kiln  was 
thus  early  fired  for  the  purpose  of  consuming  the  body.  Some 
were  for  putting  out  the  fire,  but  the  owner  interposed  the 
most  strenuous  remonstrance,  which  substantiated  the  fact  be- 
yond a  question,  that  Amos  was  correct,  and  of  course  "  Spir- 
itualism "  was  triumphant. 
18 


206  LUCY    BOSTON. 

In  the  heat  of  their  indignation  at  such  cold-blooded  butch- 
ery, it  was  proposed  to  tear  down  the  kiln,  but  that  was  im- 
practicable, as  the  stones  were  red  hot.  Some  thought  if  they 
only  had  some  of  the  salve  from  the  "  Rock  of  Vision"  to  rub 
on  their  hands  it  would  make  them  fire-proof.  Others  were 
confident  that  a  small  plaster  of  it  applied  to  the  surface  of 
the  kiln  would  draw  out  all  the  caloric  and  restore  the  stones 
to  their  natural  state  in  ten  minutes  !  However,  neither  of 
these  suggestions  were  followed,  but  the  "  circle/'  joining 
hands  around  the  burning  pile,  endeavored  to  call  back  the 
spirit  of  the  deceased  and  obtain  from  it  a  "  demonstration" 
of  the  whole  truth,  to  corroborate  the  vision  of  Arnos  and  en- 
rich their  cause  with  glorious  capital. 

But  whether  the  shade  of  the  tax-gatherer  could  not  stand 
fire,  or  the  smoke  was  suffocating,  or  whatever  the  cause,  no 
matter,  their  conjurations  were  vain.  The  spirit  refused  (o 
appear,  even  as  a  witness  against  the  bloody  assassins  who 
drove  it  from  its  earthly  habitation  at  the  point  of  the  dagger. 
Strange  silence  !  and  unaccountable,  save  on  the  supposition 
that  the  collector  was  bribed  by  the  murderers  to  keep  the 
secret;  in  other  words,  that  he  was  himself  an  accomplice  of 
the  direful  deed,  both  before  and  stfter  the  fact.  This,  it  must 
be  confessed,  is  the  only  reasonable  solution  of  the  unheard-of 
anomaly. 

Thus  covered  with  repeated  defeat,  the  "circle"  "let  go 
hands,"  to  retreat  in  dismay,  when  a  Medium  —  ycleped  Z. 
Socrates  Nozzleuian  (one  of  the  old  ones !),  who  had  been  sit- 
ting silently  on  a  stone,  a  short  distance  apart  —  cried  out, 
with  sepulchral  tone, 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     207 

"  Fe  —  fi  —  fo  —  fum.  I  smell  the  flesh  of  the  murdered 
man,  roasting  in  the  lime  kil  —  un." 

"Shocking!  horrible!  hellish!!!"  exclaimed  the  Spiritu- 
alists ;  "  did  assassins  ever  before  resort  to  such  shifts  to  es- 
cape detection  ?  But  they  were  ferreted  out  at  last.  Though 
the  vision  of  Amos  was  a  little  imperfect,  and  caused  him  to 
see  double,  the  spirits  were  not  to  be  foiled.  They  had  in- 
vested a  member  of  the  "  circle"  with  a  spiritual  nose,  doubt- 
less to  be  used  in  connection  with  Funglehead's  spiritual  eye. 
The  new  system  was  now  perfected,  for  what  Amos  the  Seer 
was  unable  to  see,  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman,  the  smeller,  would 
be  able  to  smell ! 

A  smelling  Medium  ! ! 

Truly  this  was  a  new  "  manifestation"  —  a  progressive  de- 
velopment—  the  highest  incarnation  of  "  Spiritualism."  The 
"  circle"  were  in  transports,  when  suddenly  the  smeller  again 
exclaimed  — 

"  I  smell  that  Funglehead  doth  not  see  straight.  Place  ye 
not  too  much  reliance  upon  eyes,  neither  upon  spectacles.  The 
eyes  are  two,  so  are  specs,  therefore  they  are  liable  to  see 
double,  and  that  which  is  double,  is  deceitful  —  as  double- 
dealer  j  but  the  nose,  on  the.  other  hand  (on  the  face,  I  mean), 
is  one  —  therefore  it  always  smelleth  single,  and  that  which  is 
single  is  free  from  deception  —  as  single-heartedness.  The 
nose,  I  say  to  ye,  is  the  only  sure  Medium  of  communication 
with  the  Spirit-Land.  Give  ye  ear  to  my  words.  Believe  ye  •/ 
not,  at  your  peril.  I  say  ye  —  a  —  oo ." 

He  would  have  added  something,  but  was  prevented  by  a 
terrible  fit  of  vomiting,  occasioned  by  the  nauseating  odor  es- 


208  LUCY    BOSTON. 

caping  from  the  bowels  of  the  lime-kiln.  The  High  Priest  of 
Spiritualism  was  superseded  —  the  Funglehead  Dynasty  ended  ! 
It  was  impossible  for  the  circle  to  resist  the  force  of  this  new 
"  demonstration." 

"  Is  not  his  arguing  true  ?  Does  not  experience  prove  it  ?" 
reasoned  they  with  each  other.  "  For  how  many  times  have 
our  eyes  deceived  us,  but  our  noses  never !  We  may  look  at 
an  object,  but  cannot  always  tell  whether  it  is  substance  or 
shadow,  reality  or  imagination.  But  what  we  smell  we  know 
is  a  matter  of  fact.  That  is  to  say,  a  person  may  be  double- 
sighted,  but  he  cannot  be  double- scented.  Hence  the  admo- 
nition so  often  heard,  '  Believe  not  all  you  see  j'  "  but  who  was 
ever  told  to  believe  not  what  he  smells  ? 

"  And  do  not  facts  uphold  the  same,"  continued  they.  "  The 
'visions'  of  Amos  Funglehead  the  Seer  are  sufficient  evidence. 
Thrice  hath  he  assured  us  we  should  find  the  corpse  as  he  saw 
and  described  it,  and  thrice  have  we  proved  him  false.  Brother 
Socrates  hath  once  declared  where  it  is  —  and  see  !  his  stomach 
hath  hoven  up  the  '  demonstration'  of  his  actual  '  communica- 
tion' with  the  body.  Who  can  doubt  such  testimony  ?  Let 
Scepticism  now  grow  pale  and  hide  its  rampant  head  ?  " 

Thus  reasoned  the  spiritists.  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman  was  at 
once  ensphered  the  central  luminary  in  the  spiritual  firmament, 
and  in  whose  brightness  every  other  light  was  swallowed  up  or 
shone  but  dimly. 

[Dhe  disciples  of  Funglehead  crowded  around  their  new 
leader  (who  sat  resting  his  head  upon  his  hands),  declaring 
the  manifestation  to  be  so  powerful  that  it  made  them  all  "  feel 
more  or  less  qualmish." 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXm    CENTURY.    209 

Elated  by  the  enormous  stride  thus  made  in  the  science  of 
spiritology,  they  decided  to  reorganize  a  smelling  circle  forth- 
with, and  to  reject  all  others  as  spurious  and  unreliable. 

Z.  Socrates,  at  once,  the  true  embodiment  and  great  apostle 
of  Spiritualism,  overcome  with  retching,  was  removed  to  a  car- 
riage, and  still  complaining  of  a  deathly  nausea,  a  "sister"  of 
the  circle  very  kindly  sat  by  his  side,  plying  him  with  fan  and 
smelling  bottle  —  spiritual  ones  !-we  suppose.  His  stomach, 
though  continuing  "riled"  for  some  time,  at  length  became 
composed,  and  the  mighty  Smeller  was  himself  again. 

All  hope  of  recovering  the  remains  of  the  deceased  was  now 
at  an  end.  The  fate  of  the  collector  was  .regarded  as  settled, 
by  all  except  the  "unbelievers."  The  story  of  his  murder 
and  the  burning  of  the  body  as  a  holocaust  to  the  Demon  of 
Avarice,  was  added  to  the  list  of  tragedies  and  given  to  the 
world  as  current  history }  -when,  wonderful  to  be  told  !  he 
suddenly  "turned  up,"  not  spiritually,  but  bodily,  a  living 
evidence  of  optical  illusion  and  perverted  smell.  His  return 
to  his  friends,  as  may  well  be  imagined,  changed  their  agony 
of  suspense  into  overflowing  joy. 

But  consternation  filled  the  Spiritualists.  It  was  evident, 
they  were  either  deceivers  or  deceived.  Their  "manifestations," 
so  far  from  inspiring  public  confidence,  were  not  only  looked 
upon  with  suspicion,  but  treated  with  derision  by  an  incredu- 
lous community.  Especially  the  seeing  and  smelling  Mediums 
were  held  in  "  bad  odor."  "  Spiritualism  "  was  on  the  wane. 

The  zealots  were  in  sore  extremity.     They  had  met  with 
signal  discomfiture.     A  bold  stroke  must  be  made  to  wipe  out 
the  disgrace  and  revive  their  sinking  credit. 
18* 


210  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Presently  it  was  announced  that  the  spirits  had  called  a 
mass-meeting  of  the  Mediums  to  explain  the  mystery  of  what 
appeared  to  be  either  an  honest  mistake  or  wilful  deception, 
and  which  by  a  perverse  construction  of  their  enemies  was 
hazarding  the  interests,  the  existence  even, of  spiritology. 

The  time  and  place  of  the  proposed  meeting  were  specified 
with  great  particularity. 

Punctual  to  the  call,  Believers  and  Infidels,  a  goodly  num- 
ber were  assembled,  and  prominent  among  whom  was  Amos 

Funglehead.  "  The  spirits,"  said  brother  B ,  "  have  adopted 

a  new  method  of  'manifestation'  somewhat  peculiar,  but  no 
matter  how  they  may  communicate,  it  is  all  for  the  best.  If 
the}7  choose  to  make  a  mis-statement,  there  is  a  good  motive  at 
the  bottom,  and  no  one  has  any  right  to  call  it  in  question." 

This  was  received  with  marked  satisfaction  by  the  members 
of  the  "circle,"  especially  by  Amos. 

Silence  for  awhile  ensued,  when  it  was  proposed  to  sing  a 
song  of  harmony,  but  the  spirits  not  giving  the  key,  it  was 
omitted. 

Brother  C ,  with  solemn  dignity,  befitting  the  occasion,. 

arose  and  said  — 

"This  meeting  doth  call  to  my  mind  a  congregation  of 
Quakers.  I  would  like  to  hear  the  'members'  relate  what 
'  manifestations'  they  have  had  during  the  last  week." 

"  We  speak  you  to  be  quiet,"  interrupted  Amos,  vehemently, 
who  had  been  sitting  mute,  but  with  distorted  features  and 
nervous  twitchings,  proving  him  to  be  the  Medium  of  some 
powerful  "demonstration."  "If  ye  cannot  be  quiet  we  will 
everlastingly  withdraw.  A  power  sways  us  which  individuality 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XLXiH    CENTURY.    211 

cannot  long  endure.  We  are  possessed.  Spirit  thoughts,  and 
ideas  and  volitions,  are  pouring  in  upon  me  with  such  dreadful 
pressure,  that  unless  the  audience  are  attentive  and  candid,  so 
I  can  communicate,  it  •will  be  impossible  to  bear  it.  Let  the 
uncandid  leave  the  house,  as  we  cannot  speak  fluently  without 
universal  candor.  The  subject  to  be  considered  is  spiritual 
influence.  Again  we  bid  those  who  cannot  appreciate  our 
spiritual  discourse  to  withdraw,  or  we  (the  spirits)  will  eternally 
withdraw  from  the  presence  of  mankind. 

"  The  spirit  came  here  to  communicate  upon  a  certain  point, 
but  is  obliged  to  postpone  it  because  the  minds  of  this  assembly 
are  diseased,  and  there  is  a  want  of  candor. 

fi  You  can  form  no  idea  of  the  amount  of  thought  the  spirit 
infuses  into  me.  We  repeat,  the  topic  which  we  came  here  to 
speak  upon  we  cannot  discuss  for  want  of  candor.  But  at 
some  future  time  we  will  give  twelve  lectures  of  four  hours 
each,  and  at  the  end  of  which,  the  spirit  will  reveal  who  he  is. 
Sobriety  distinguished  him  on  earth,  as  his  friends  can  testify, 
and  in  the  Spheres  he  retains  his  personal  identity.  Hence, 
every  thing  like  levity  and  sport  he  takes  as  a  direct  insult. 

"  Do  you  suppose  the  Medium  insane  ?  Look  at  the  action 
of  lunatics,  and  then  at  mine.  If  you  discover  no  insanity  in 
the  Medium,  then  listen  with  candor. 

11  Will  some  one  ask  candid  questions  that  they  may  receive 
a  spiritual,  candid  answer  ?" 

Question  —  by  a  member  of  the  "circle."  "What  is  the 
motive  power  of  the  system  ?" 

Answer  (by  the  spirits  —  entirely  original).  "Eternal 
principle  of  thought." 


212  LUCY    BOSTON. 


tion.  "  Why  is  it  that  there  are  but  three  besides 
Mediums  that  have  seen  the  seventh  Sphere  ?" 

Answer.  "  Will  answer  at  a  future  time,  when  the  spirit  can 
be  candidly  heard."  The  last  reply  called  forth  a  tremendous 
burst  of  spiritual  applause. 

"  We  hold  individuals  by  a  power  they  knows  not  of,"  added 
the  Medium,  in  a  monitory  tone.  "  We  have  endeavored  to 
lead  the  audience  to  reflection  and  candor.  Therefore  beware !" 

Thus  spake  the  spirit  through  its  mouth-piece,  Amos  Fungle- 
head,  and  took  its  exit,  leaving  him  again  to  mingle  with 
mortals  for  a  season,  promising,  however,  that  when  he  could 
be  candidly  heard,  be  should,  by  the  permission  and  aid  of  the 
spirits,  make  some  remarkable  revelations. 

The  meeting  (held  on  Sabbath  evening)  was  deemed  of  such 
importance,  and  productive  of  so  great  good,  that  by  the  ad- 
vice of  the  spirits  the  same  was  adjourned  to  the  succeeding 
Sabbath,  in  the  hope  that  a  candid  audience  would  be  in  at- 
tendance—  also  that  the  superstitious  and  misguided  who  were 
accustomed  to  squander  their  Sunday's  at  church,  might  be 
prevailed  upon  to  forsake  that  foolish  custom,  and  adopt  the 
method  of  telegraphing  directly  to  the  Spirit-Land,  a  speedy 
and  accurate  way,  so  greatly  preferable  to  the  circumlocution 
and  dull  monotony  of  the  pulpit. 

Thus  Funglehead,  the  quondum  High  Priest,  made  a  success- 
ful rally  to  retrieve  his  sinking  fortunes  and  redeem  Spiritual- 
ism for  reproach. 

We  are  sorry  to  be  obliged  to  add,  that  the  adjourned  meet- 
ing proved  a  failure,  as  the  spirits  were  unable  to  attend,  in 
consequence  of  the  inclemency  of  the  weather. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

"  Speak  to  me ! 

For  1  have  called  on  thee  in  the  still  night, 
Started  the  slumbering  birds  from  the  hushed  boughs, 
And  woke  the  mountain  wolves  and  madfi  the  caves 
Acquainted  "with  thy  vainly-echoed  name, 
Which  answer'd  me  —  many  things  answcr'd  me  — 
Spirits  and  men —  but  thou  wert  silent  still." 

DOCTOR  Badger  and  his  landlady,  accompanied  by  Mis3 
Boston,  and  two  others  of  the  "  strong-minded,"  returned 
home.  The  arrival  of  such  a  force  took  Wilson  somewhat  by 
surprise;  but  as  they  were  invited  guests  of  his  wife  and  the 
Doctor's,  and  more  especially  in  anticipation  of  a  "rich  time," 
he  received  them  with  great  cordiality  and  politeness. 

A  mesmeric  affinity,  an  astrological  conjunction,  or  some 
other  cause,  hidden  in  the  depths  of  nature,  led  Wilson  and 
Miss  Boston,  in  particular,  to  form  a  ready  and  familiar  acquain- 
tance. Pleasantries  were  the  "  order  of  the  day,"  and  it  was 
difficult  to  decide  which  of  the  two  champions  bore  the  palm 
in  their  tilts  of  wit  and  humor. 

Among  other  qualities  belonging  to  the  personal  identity  of 
Miss  B ,  Wilson  expressed  great  admiration  of  her  cos- 
tume, and  beset  his  wife  to  doff  her  female  regalia  proper  and 
don  the  bloomer,  as  the  latest,  if  not  the  richest  fashion.  This 
she  was  not  quite  ready  to  do,  but,  said  she,  "would  be  in 
a  little  while ;  as  soon  as  the  election  was  over,  if  not  before." 

(213) 


214  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Bills  were  struck  off  by  the  village  printer  ("  money  makes 
the  mare  go"),  announcing  a  meeting  in  favor  of  "  woman's 
rights,"  to  be  held  on  the  following  day  but  one,  at  Aca- 
demic Hall.  The  notices  were  "  posted  "  and  scattered  in  all  di- 
rections. The  school  "  inarms  "  of  the  respective  districts,  by 
request,  instructed  their  scholars  to  tell  their  parents  and  every 
body  they  should  meet  on  the  road. 

The  same  day,  several  persons  applied  to  Wilson  for  board. 

They  could  be  accommodated,  he  said,  in  every  way  except 
lodging,  and  that  they  could  have  as  soon  as  the  visitors  should 
leave  —  a  very  indefinite  period,  he  confessed  —  since  his  guests 
belonged  to  the  "woman's  rights"  party;  and  among  other  im- 
munities claimed  by  them  (and  which  he  most  cheerfully 
granted),  was  the  right  to  visit  when  they  please,  where  they 
please,  and  as  long  as  they  please. 

The  Doctor,  advised  of  the  state  of  affairs,  kindly  offered  to 
relinquish  his  room  to  Miss  Boston  and  suite,  during  their 
stay.  "  As  for  himself,  he  was  willing/'  he  said,  "  for  so  short 
a  time,  to  sleep  upon  the  sofa,  or  go  to  the  neighbors,  or  do 
most  any  way,  rather  than  have  Mrs.  Wilson  lose  the  proposed 
boarders."  She  finally  informed  them  that  they  could  have 
rooms,  as  they  wished  to  remain  permanently. 

Mrs.  W introduced  her  visitors  to  the  Doctor's  apart- 
ment, which  she  informed  them  was  the  identical  spot  where 
the  spirit  appeared  and  prophesied.  In  retiring  fir  the  niirht, 
Miss  B 's  companions  evidently  betrayed  signs  of  nervous- 
ness. Though  naturally  free  from  superstition,  they  could  not 
help  fancying  they  saw  npparitions  every  moment.  Not  a  flitting 
shadow,  nor  trifling  noise,  but  to  their  sensitive  imaginations 


FOLLIES   or   THE   XIXTH    CENTURY.    215 

Was  either  a  ghost  or  hobgoblin.  The  house  was  surely 
haunted.  Not  so,  Miss  Boston.  Her  nerves  were  undisturbed, 
save  by  a  feverish  anxiety  to  see  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid, 
which  she  hoped  and  prayed  might  appear  to  her.  But  the 
silent  watches,  when  specters  and  witches  are  abroad,  glided 
darkly  by,  and  her  eyes,  though  longing  for  the  sight,  were 
not  greeted  with  even  the  shade  of  a  "manifestation." 

The  following  day,  Doctor  Badger  called  upon  the  occupants, 
pro  temporc,  of  his  own  quarters.  By  the  power  of  associa- 
tion, conversation  naturally  turned  upon  the  topic  of  the  Mer- 
maid. Graphic  was  the  description  which  the  revelator  gave 
of  the  scenes  connected  with  the  advent.  And  they  were  in 
the  haunted  room  !  The  man  who  saw,  and  heard,  and  felt 
the  miracle,  himself  stood  before  them !  What  a  reality ! 
What  reflections  it  awakened  !  What  sacred  awe  it  inspired  ! 
It  was  almost  like  lifting  the  curtain  that  hides  the  Spirit- 
World. 

The  timid  inmates  of  the  "  haunted  chamber  "  (as  they  called 
it),  wrought  upon  by  the  recent  narrative  till  their  imaginations 
swarmed  with  specters,  took  the  greatest  care  to  guard  against 
all  ghostly  intrusions.  The  room  was  carefully  searched,  in 
the  closet,  behind  the  fire-board,  and  under  the  bed  —  every 
door  and  window  was  firmly  locked,  bolted,  and  nailed,  before 
they  dared  to  lay  their  heads  upon  their  pillows. 

Miss  B rallied  them  for  their  childish  fears.  She  was 

herself  a  stranger  to  any  such  emotions,  too  "  strong-minded  "  to 
be  troubled  about  witches,  and  too  much  of  a  "  Spiritualist"  to 
stand  in  dread  of  ghosts.  Her  only  fear  was  that  the  Mermaid 
would  not  appear.  She  could  imagine  no  good  reason  why  the 


216  LUCY    BOSTON. 

spirit  might  not  manifest  itself  to  her  that  night.  Surely  it 
will,  thought  she,  if  it  only  considers  my  anxiety,  the  purity 
of  my  motives,  and  the  welfare  of  our  cause.  She  had  a 
strong  and  growing  presentiment  that  her  hope  would  be 
realized. 

Again,  Night  stretched  forth  her  "leaden  scepter,"  calling 
mortals  to  the  land  of  dreams.  Badger,  with  genuine  philan- 
thropy and  stoic  fortitude,  took  his  bachelor's  berth  on  the 
parlor  sofa.  The  "  silent  watches "  had  begun  their  round, 
and  he  was  "  dropping  off  to  sleep,"  when  (audible  to  him 
alone)  broke  upon  his  ear.  "  Awake  !  arouse  I "  His  eyes 
flew  open,  not  with  fright  but  joyful  surprise, —  for  there  slie 
stood  the  personification  of  ideal  beauty. 

"  Miss "  (Boston  he  was  going  to  shout) —  and  his 

strained  optics  gazed  on  vacancy!  In  feverish  suspense  he 
watched  for  her  return,  till  nature  exhausted,  he  was  relapsing 
into  a  drowse,  as  again  the  voice  rung  in  his  ear  — 

"Awake!  awake!" 

"Mrs. "  was  on  his  lips,  and  again  the  spirit  vanished. 

Amazed  and  disappointed,  he  lay  cogitating  on  the  freakishness 
of  his  amphibious  acquaintance,  when,  like  a  flash  of  moonlight 
darting  into  his  presence,  she  forestalled  his  utterance  thus  : 

"Hold!  man,  thy  tongue!  If  I  to  womankind 
Desired  to  speak  —  think'st  thou  I  knew  it  not? 
My  present  mission  is  alone  to  thee. 
Thy  actions  have  I  seen,  and  marked  them  well, 
As  faithful  thou  hast  been  to  my  behest.      . 
To  thy  apartment  thrice  I've  been  unseen, 
This  night,  and  hither  do  I  come,  to  praise 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    217 

Thy  firm  fidelity  against  the  arts 

Of  that  ambitious  woman,  whose  sole  aim 

It  is,  upon  the  wave  of  popular 

Reform  to  ride,  as  queen,  to  queenly  rank 

And  fame,  which  for  myself  I  claim  and  thee. 

As  thou  hast  been,  be  steadfast  to  thy  trust, 

This  speak  I  from  the  Spirit-Land  —  adieu  ;  " 

and  with  one  flourish  of  her  finny  extremity,  phantom-like,  she 
disappeared. 

Badger,  like  a  monomaniac,  rushing  to  his  room  to  deliver 
the  tidings  to  Miss  Boston,  assaulted  the  door  with  great  vio- 
lence, but  she  having  the  capacity  of  sleeping  soundly  did  not 
hear  him.  Not  thus  her  companions.  Their  thoughts  teem- 
ing with  spirits  making  sleep  "hard  to  catch,"  they  were  "all 
eye,  all  ear,"  as  at  the  first  rap  on  the  door,  with  a  half  sup- 
pressed shriek,  they  sought  escape  from  danger  by  burying 
their  heads  under  the  bedclothes.  Loud  and  yet  louder  echoed 
the  mysterious  knockings,  while  our  brave  Keformers  (!)  clung 
to  each  other,  speechless  and  almost  breathless,  with  fright  at 
this  "demonstration"  of  a  Rapping  Spirit. 

Miss  Boston's  slumbers  remained  oblivous,  sleep's  "  poppied 
warmth"  having  sealed  her  eyelids.  With  indomitable  per- 
severance our  bachelor  Medium  redoubled  his  knocks  with  such 
determined  vigor  as  to  arouse  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Wilson ;  she,  af- 
frighted, imagined  thieves  to  have  gained  access  to  the  house. 
A  repetition  of  the  out-of-season  disturbance  set  Wilson  upon 
search  for  the  cause,  which  was  soon  discovered,  and  discharging 
a  well-aimed  volley  of  wit  at  the  old  bachelor,  he  returned  and 
reported  the  result  of  his  researches  to  his  wife. 
19 


218  LUCY    BOSTON. 

In  opposition  to  the  remonstrances  of  her  husband,  she 
started  to  administer  summary  discipline  upon  the  disturber  of 
her  house,  whom  she  met,  and  who  for  once,  getting  the  start 
of  her  tongue,  said  — 

"  Mrs.  Wilson,  I've  seen  the  spirit  again." 

"ffavejou?" 

"  Yes ! " 

"Where?" 

"  In  the  parlor,  —  tell  Miss  Boston';  quick." 

Away  she  bounded,  and  fell  to  pounding  and  kicking,  and 
rattling  the  door,  crying  — 

"  Miss  Boston  !  Miss  Boston  !" 

"  What  is  it?"  asked  she,  at  length  aroused. 

"  Mr.  Badger  sees  the  Mermaid ! "  exclaimed  the  news- 
bearer,  with  agitation. 

"  Oh  dear  !  oh  —  dear  ! "  uttered  the  two  "  strong-minded," 
in  a  half-smothered  tone,  still  buried  in  the  blankets. 

Lucy  hastening  to  the  parlor,  with  the  utmost  despatch, 
Badger  related  to  her  what  had  occurred. 

"  0  that  I  could  have  been  here  !"  said  she.  "  Why  did 
you  not  instantly  call  me,  Mr.  Badger  ?  " 

"  I  was  going  to,"  replied  he ;  "  but  before  I  could  speak 
the  very  first  letter  of  your  name,  it  was  out  of  sight  every 
time." 

Feeling  a  strong  presentiment  of  its  reappearance,  she  pro- 
posed to  take  his  place  on  the  sofa,  and  so  by  stratagem  obtain 
a  sight  of  the  being  which  had  so  pertinaciously  avoided  her. 
The  Doctor  gallantly  consented,  and  as  a  dernier  resort  for  a 
couch,  sought  and  occupied  the  lounge  in  the  sitting  room. 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    219 

Miss  B speedily  followed,  not  in  the  "  footsteps/'  but  the 

resting  place  of  her  "  illustrious  predecessor." 

Scarcely  had  she  closed  her  eyes  in  pretended  slumber,  when  ; 
greeted  with,  "  I  come  again,  0  man,  with  words  of  cheer  to 
thee,  and " 

Of  the  aquatic  speaker  proceeding  thus,  Miss  B- ,  peep- 
ing through  her  half-opened  eyelids,  caught  a  glance,  and  but 
a  glance,  when  the  deluded  spirit,  discovering  the  fraud,  in- 
stantly assumed  a  horrid  aspect,  and  with  a  terrific  shriek 
darted  spitefully  into  invisibility. 

Miss  Boston  had  seen  the  spirit  of  the  Mermaid  !  But  why 
should  it  leave  her  so  abruptly  in  a  huff?  And  would  it  not 
return  ? 

Revolving  these  queries  in  her  mind,  our  heroine,  to  court 
a  new  "  manifestation,"  again  closed  her  eyes  in  mock  sleep, 
when  her  hopes  were  realized  in  the  salutation  — 

"  Awake  !  thou  mortal  good  and  bad,  awake  !  Since  thou 
myself  hast  kenn'd,  although  by  trick,  felonious ;  more  shalt 
thou  see  and  hear.  Ope  wide  thine  eyes,  behold  me  now  and 
list ! " 

Lo  !  what  a  metamorphosis  !  Her  scales  and  hair  erect,  her 
broad  fins  spread,  and  eyes  like  balls  of  fire,  she  stood  the  per- 
sonification of  Fury  infuriated,  and  thus  continued  — 

" 0,  woman,  thinkcst  thou  I  know  thee  not? 
Thy  sympathy  and  zeal  for  the  oppressed? 
Why  didst  thou  seek  in  heart  of  man  to  lodge 
The  disbelief  of  my  own  entity, 
When  him  I  brought  in  timely  aid  to  thee? 
'Twas  wicked  guile,  and  hence  my  present  shape. 


220  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Dost  see  and  hear  me  now  ?     Then  doubt  no  more, 

Nor  dare  again  thy  stratagems  repeat, 

Lest  haply  I,  in  form  more  ugly  come, 

And,  like  "  ten  furies,"  haunt  thee  night  and  day." 

In  a  twinkling,  resuming  her  former  appearance  — 

"  Behold  me  now,  for  what  in  thee  is  good, 
Our  cause  is  just  and  will  prevail  —  Be  this 
The  motto  on  thy  shield  of  faith — adieu." 

She  spake  —  and  melted  into  air.  The  Mermaid  was  a 
fixed  fact!  So  was  the  prophecy;  and  of  course  its  fulfill- 
ment must  be  equally  as  fixed  infuturo. 

Girded  with  new  strength  and  fired  with  fresh  zeal,  our  he- 
roine was  now  fully  panoplied.  Henceforth  she  could  boldly 
plead  in  aid  of  the  Keform,  the  proof  of  its  divinity,  based 
not  upon  speculation  nor  testimony,  but  her  own  "  firm,  unal- 
terable experience,"  and  repeating  to  herself,  "  Our  cause  is 
just  and  will  prevail,"  she  fell  asleep. 

Her  companions  scarcely  shut  their  eyes  the  live-long  night, 
no  less  curious  to  see,  yet  afraid  to  move  lest  they  should  be- 
hold a  sheeted  ghost. 

Morning  came.  To  report  the  meeting  of  the  inmates  of 
the  boarding-house  is  needless.  Imagination  can  supply  the 
omission.  It  is  enough  to  say  that  each  spoke  well  their  part, 
especially  Wilson,  than  whom  none  ever  saw 

"  A  merrier  man 
Within  the  limits  of  becoming  mirth." 

The  chief  object  of  Mrs.  Wilson  in  having  the  "strong- 


• 
. 

FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIX TH    CENTURY.    221 

minded  "  return  with  her,  was  the  conversion  of  her  husband 
to  the  "good  cause." 

They  saw,  at  a  glance,  what  sort  of  stuff  he  was  made  of: — 

"  Rare  compound  of  oddity,  frolic  and  fun! 
Who  relished  a  joke,  and  rejoiced  in  a  pun 
Whose  temper  was  generous,  open,  sincere ; 
A  stranger  to  flatt'ry,  a  stranger  to  fear ; 
Who  scattered  around,  wit  and  humor  at  •will ; 
Whose  daily  bons  mots  half  a  column  might  fill." 

Prudence  teaching  them  not  to  draw  him  into  open  encoun- 
ter, they  finally,  by  dint  of  argument  and  exhortation  combined, 
persuaded  their  over-zealous  hostess  that  what  could  not  be 
gained  by  force,  must  be  compassed  by  generalship,  and  so  the 
line  of  policy  with  respect  to  her  chivalric  lord  was  clear.  They 
must  amuse  him  and  retain  his  good-will  until  the  revolution 
should  be  consummated.  Then  must  the  jolly  heretic  submit 
or  suffer.  One  thing  at  any  rate  was  very  gratifying. 

If  they  could  not  win  him  over  to  their  ranks,  neither  could 
he  stop  the  Reform.  Horses  and  carriage  "summoned,"  the 
Reformers  took  a  "  turn "  into  the  country,  accompanied  by 
their  incorrigible  host. 

All  were  in  the  best  of  spirits,  save  Miss  B 's  room  com- 
panions, whose  dullness,  red  eyes,  and  frequent  yawning  betrayed 
their  last  night's  vigils.  Their  excursion  was  enlivened  by 
pleasant  anecdote  and  sportive  jest,  Wilson  ever  and  anon 
exclaiming,  "  Huzzah  for  Spirit  Knockings  and  Woman's 
Rights  !  That  suit  you,  my  duck  ?  You're  my  candidate,  you 
know  —  I  always  go  the  '  straight  ticket,'  so  I  suppose  I  belong 
to  the  party  —  a  regular  '  turncoat.'  Hurrah  for  my  wife  and 
'woman's  rights'  "  — and  the  like. 
19* 


222  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  You  will  be  taken  care  of  in  due  time,  sir,"  said  Miss 
Boston,  in  a  prophetic  tone. 

Mrs.  Wilson  was  sanguine  that  her  husband  would  be  con- 
verted. All  thought  his  case  a  hopeful  one,  and  congratulated 
each  other  on  the  prospective  accession  to  their  strength. 

Well  timed, 

'(  The  tocsin  of  the  soul  —  the  dinner  bell! " 

greeted  the  return  of  the  troupe  whose  inner  and  outer  man 
and  woman  were  capacitated  amply  to  relish  the  continuous 
<l  feast  of  fat  things."  The  afternoon  waned  —  our  fair  Re- 
formers  made  preparation  for  the  public  meeting  in  the  evening. 
At  an  early  hour  the  little  village  filled  up  with  all  sorts  of 
people,  flowing  into  it  from  all  directions  and  in  all  sorts  of 
style. 

Academic  Hall  proving  much  too  straight  for  the  multitude, 
they  adjourned  to  the  yard  in  front  illumined  by  the  combined 
light  of  Reform  and  the  full  moon  !  In  organizing,  a  spirited 
contest  took  place  in  the  election  of  a  chairwoman,  there  being 
two  opposing  candidates,  Mrs.  Wilson  and  the  editor's  wife. 
After  a  smart  canvass  the  latter  was  declared  chosen,  though 
by  a  very  close  vote.  Our  landlady  stood,  or  sat,  the  nest  in 
official  rank. 

As  a  prelude  to  the  exercises,  the  village  band,  having  vol- 
unteered their  services,  played  with  great  gusto  — 
"  There's  a  good  time  coming,  girls." 

One  of  Miss  Boston's  traveling  companions  opened  the  meet- 
ing in  a  brief,  neat  address,  showing  what  the  relative  position 
of  the  sexes  had  been,  and  defining  what  it  should  be.  To  the 
mass,  her  ideas  were,  for  the  most  part,  entirely  new. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XlXin    CENTURY.     223 

Lucy  was  then  introduced  as  chief  speaker  of  the  evening. 
She  was  glad,  she  said,  to  appear  before  the  honest  yeomanry 
and  yeo-womanry  of  the  country.  It  was  there  that  virtue 
dwelt.  She  was  under  the  open,  free  vault  of  nature's  great 
temple,  and  which,  thank  Heaven,  man  could  not  monopolize. 
Was  the  air  formed  more  to  fan  the  lungs  of  man  than  of 
woman  ?  Does  earth  send  forth  her  fountains  more  to  slake 
his  thirst  than  hers  ?  And  shall  not  her  mind  and  muscles  be 
held  as  sacred  and  as  free  ?  From  this  point  the  speaker  pro- 
ceeded to  establish  the  equality  and  identity  of  all  human 
rights,  civil,  social  and  domestic. 

Her  speech  was  every  way  worthy  of  herself  and  the  cause. 
Loud  cheers  attested  that  she  had  made  a  decided  "  hit."  Nor 
was  noise  the  only  fruit  of  her  effort.  The  few  who  had  not 
signed  the  petition,  did  so  at  once,  pledging  fidelity  to  the  Ke- 
form.  A  vote  was  passed  on  the  spot,  quite  unanimously,  to 
support  the  "woman's  rights"  ticket  at  the  forthcoming  elec- 
tion. 

Miss  Boston  said  it  was  part  of  her  business  to  give  those 
an  opportunity,  who  wished  to  subscribe  for  The  Broom,  their 
campaign  paper,  which  would  be  issued  weekly  at  the  Capitol 
until  the  close  of  election. 

Great  was  the  rush  of  subscribers.  In  that  quarter  all  things 
were  rife  for  revolution. 

Wilson  said  he  hoped  they  "  would  have  a  good  time  of  it." 

The  following  day  Miss  Boston  and  attendants  took  their 
leave,  escorted  some  distance  on  their  way  by  Doctor  Badger. 
They  separated,  the  former  to  prosecute  their  mission,  the  latter 
returned  to  his  "  boarding-place." 


• 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

"  What  fates  impose,  that  men  must  needs  abide; 
It  boots  not  to  resist  both  wind  and  tide." 

THE  reader  will  recollect  the  departure  of  Miss  Boston  from 
the  terms  of  her  published  bill,  in  her  tangent  movement, 
in  quest  of  the  Mermaid,  and,  as  she  supposed,  the  consequent 

disappointment  of  several  large  audiences.  But  Rev.  Mr.  Q , 

the  abrupt  seceder,  prompted  by  philanthropy  or  some  other 
motive,  had  himself  fulfilled  each  appointment,  making  eloquent 
appeals  in  behalf  of  the  rights  of  woman,  and  with  favorable 
results,  notwithstanding  the  fanatical  miscarriage  of  our  fair 
reformer  and  the  disappointment  of  the  people  in  losing  the 
novelty  and  pleasure  of  seeing  the  person,  and  witnessing  the 
eloquence  of  the  fascinating  Bloomer. 

We  might  stop  here  to  vindicate,  or  at  least  palliate  the  con- 
duct of  our  heroine,  in  her  apparent  want  of  moral  sense,  in 
forsaking  her  engagements.  We  will  only  say,  that  "  to  err,  is 
human."  Minds  the  strongest,  and  souls  the  most  ingenuous, 
are  liable  to  be  thrown  from  their  balance.  But  a  single  error, 
however  great,  if  repented  of  and  not  repeated,  should  easily 
be  forgiven. 

Miss  Boston  came  to  herself  again.  On  consulting  her 
"  bill,"  with  the  view  of  redeeming  the  remainder  of  her 
(224) 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    225 

pledges,  she  found  herself  in  time  to  attend  the  great  state 
convention,  to  be  held  on  the  fourth  of  July  following. 

In  every  quarter,  throughout  the  state,  was  heard  the  din  of 
preparation.  At  length,  the  ever-to-be-remembered  fourth  of 
July,  eighteen  hundred  seventy-six,  came.  It  was  a  glorious 
morning.  The  sun  dashed  forth  in  all  his  splendor  over  the 
capitol,  as  upon  Austerlitz,  the  harbinger  of  victory.  Coaches, 
carriages,  carts  and  every  other  available  vehicle,  laden  with 
delegates;  horsemen,  horsewomen,  and  pedestrians;  mothers 
and  daughters,  grand-mothers  and  grand-daughters,  civic  and 
rustic ;  a  miscellaneous  aggregate  of  quality  and  inequality, 
enveloped  with  clouds  of  dust,  crowded  the  high-ways  and  by- 
ways. Locomotives,  screaming  and  thundering,  rushed  to  the 
depots,  with  their  extra  mammoth  trains.  Steamboats  and 
other  craft,  large  and  small,  sunk  to  the  water's  edge  beneath 
their  living  freight,  choked  the  river  channel  for  miles  above 
and  below  the  city.  To  complete  the  demonstration,  chairs, 
tables,  te'te-e-te'tes,  side-boards  and  every  species  of  furniture 
with  feet  or  legs  from  two  to  four,  animated  by  the  spirits,  in 
sympathy  with,  if  not  the  actual  projectors  of  the  political 
reform,  and  ambitious  of  precedence  in  the  grand  initiative, 
sallied  from  parlor  and  kitchen,  work-shop  and  ware-room,  and 
struck  an  air  line,  pell  mell,  through  flood,  field  and  forest, 
straining  every  nerve,  Albany-ward !  From  Champlain  to  the 
mouth  of  the  Hudson,  from  Erie's  waters  to  the  St.  Lawrence, 
came  the  "strong-minded"  and  cabinet-ware  masses,  pouring 
in  upon  the  capitol,  like  an  overwhelming  deluge.  The  earth 
trembled  under  the  mighty  movement.  Particular  rendezvous 
there  was  none.  It  was  impracticable,  for  in  every  direction, 


226  LUCY    BOSTON. 

far  as  the  eye  could  reach,  was  one  dense  mass  of  women,  chil- 
dren, furniture  and  men.  Music  swelled  its  most  stirring 
strains.  Flags  and  petticoats  flapped  in  the  breeze.  And  such 
booming  of  guns  and  pealing  of  bell-metal !  Such  shouts  and 
huzzas  as  went  up  from  the  sea  of  voices  !  The  very  air  be- 
came vocal,  and  the  heavens  reverberated !  Belfries  announced 
the  hour  for  marching  in  grand  demonstration  through  the 
principal  streets.  Coming  to  time,  appeared  the  officers: 
Betsey- Ann,  Boss,  Grand  Marshal  of  the  day  —  a  bloomer, 
after  the  straitest  sect,  bestride  a  milk-white  charger — supported 
by  Tabitha  Toplady,  Rebecca  Rider,  Lacretia  Cockburn  and 
Henrietta  Hornblower,  assistant  Marshals,  together  with  an 
indefinite  number  of  subalterns,  all"booted  and  spurred"and 
horsed. 

"  After  many  strains  and  heaves, 
They  got  up  the  saddle-eaves, 
From  whence  they  vaulted  into  the  seat, 
With  so  much  vigor,  strength,  and  heat, 
That  they  had  almost  tumbled  over 
With  their  own  weight,  but  did  recover, 
By  laying  hold  of  neck  and  mane, 
Which  oft  they  us'd  instead  of  reign." 

Fruitlessly  the  officers  essayed  to  form  the  procession,  so 
densely  were  they  packed  and  wedged ;  nor  could  they  move 
without  trampling  numbers  beneath  their  horses'  feet.  Rising 
aloft  in  their  stirrups,  the  redoubtable  staff  brandished  their 
weapons,  and  at  the  top  of  their  slender,  feminine  voices,  vo- 
ciferated, "  Fall  into  order,  fall  into  order,"  which  did  but 
increase,  if  possible,  the  disorder,  as  the  mighty  jam  swayed 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XlXin    CENTURY.    227 

to  and  fro  like  the  waves  of  the  ocean.  Force  and  fortune  at 
length  opened  a  breach.  The  quick-sighted  Marshal  seizing 
the  lucky  moment,  shouted  — 

"Music,  strike  up !  crowd  fall  into  line  according  to  the 
handbill,  and  follow  your  leaders." 

It  was  like  the  conflicting  rush  of  many  waters  —  collapsing, 
rebounding,  chafing,  twisting  and  writhing  in  alternate  im- 
pingement and  repulsion.  Nevertheless,  in  the  lapse  of  time, 
by  dint  of  extraordinary  exertion  and  the  aid  of  the  spirits  — 
Cleopatra  in  particular  —  the  chaotic  mass  verging  towards  an 
equilibrium,  was  moulded  into  tolerable  shape,  when  the  prodi- 
gious column  moved  forward  in  the  following  manner : 

1.  Grand  Marshal  of  the  day,  and  Staff,  with  proud  port, 
dancing  plumes  and  drawn  swords. 

2.  BAND  of  the  MUSES,  under  the  direction  of  Madam  Fugle- 
man, fife  and  drum  major.    A  union  of  musicians  and  combina- 
tion of  musical  implements,  altogether  unparalleled.     Next  to 
Miss  Fanny  Fairy-Finger,  who  "touched  the  light  guitar" — 
the  leading  instrument  of  the  band  —  was  particularly  promi- 
nent Mrs.  Thumpemhard,  a  very  portly  lady,  and  the  most  ex- 
traordinary 6ase-drummer  in  all  America.     It  was  truly  aston- 
ishing with  what  scientific  precision  and  masterly  emphasis  she 
made  every  blow  tell  upon  the  deacon-skin.     Last,  though  not 
least,  either  in  magnitude  or  celebrity,  was  Aunt  Philice,  the 
Ethiopian  Minstreless,  executing  the  most  exquisite  antics  on 
her  Banjo.     But  we  will  not  tantalize  the  reader  by  attempt- 
ing an  adequate  description  of  that  music.     Imagine  all  the 
conceivable  sounds  extractive  and  extortable  from  metal,  wood, 


228  LUCY   BOSTON. 

calf-skin  and  feline  intestines,  and   you  will  have  a  faint  idea 
of  the  magic  execution  of  the  Baud  of  the  Muses. 

3.  Standard  Bearers,  holding  aloft   and  flaunting   to  the 
breeze  an  ensign,  huge  and  unique,  consisting  of  an  enormous 
serpent,   of  the    Boa  Constrictor  species,  on  a  field  argent; 
its  position  neither  couchant,  salient,  nor  rampant,  but  what, 
in  heraldic  terms,  would  probably  be  called  the  bend-sinister, 
as  it  lay  in  something  of  a  half  circle,  with  its  head  thrust  out 
of  one  leg  of  a  pair  of  pantaloons,  and  its  tail  out  of  the  other. 
From  the  sapient  lips  of  her  snakeship  issued  the  mystic,  ar- 
morial motto, 

"TH,  EDE,  VILTO,  PA,  Y." 

These  symbolical  characters  said  to  have  been  inscribed  by 
an  amanuensis  of  the  Spheres,  it  is  not  our  province  —  even 
granting  us  the  ability —  to  interpret,  but  giving  the  fac-simile, 
opportunely  furnished  us  by  a  connoisseur  artist,  we  leave  it 
for  the  reader,  if  possible,  to  decipher. 

4.  Military.     And  first  and  foremost,  directly  under  the 
ample  shadow  of  their  talismanic  standard,  the  BARE  BOSOM 
BATTALION,  a  set,  of  rosy-cheeked,  cherry-lipped,  luscious-look- 
ing lasses  as  man  ever  fastened  eyes  on,  formed  upon  a  model 
for  speedy  execution,  and  —  as  their  appellation  indicates  — 
free,  fearless,  and  brave.     Their  arms  of  nature's  own  fash- 
ioning, as  yet  un-battered  or  begrimed  by  campaign  exposure, 
but  soon  to  assume  the  gallant  port  of  actual  service,  possessed 
a  polish  so  perfect,  as  at  the  first  glance  of  their  sheen,  to  be- 
dizzen  and  paralyze  the  sterner  foe.     Once  to  aim  their  true 
minnie  (eye)  balls  at  a  poor  fellow,  was  to  annihilate  him. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.     229 

"  Quick  work,  without  waste  of  ammunition,"  was  their  watch- 
word ;  while,  in  clemency  to  their  victims,  they  were  careful 
never  to  plant  their  charge  elsewhere  than  plump  in  the  heart. 
Their  distinctive  banner,  crimson  silk,  embellished  with  golden 
tassels,  and  interwoven  for  device,  a  youthful  cavalier,  upon 
his  knees,  in  an  imploring  attitude,  at  the  feet  of  a  damsel, 
under  the  protecting  aggis  of  a  swooping  American  eagle. 
Motto:  "  Woman's  Rights  —  No  Quarter." 

5.  BLUE  STOCKING  BOLTERS,  composed  of  staid  spinsters, 
tall,  lean,  and  lank,  evidently  fitted  for  long  marches,  hard  fare 
and  great  endurance,  yet  looking  dejected,  wo-begone.  Whether 
or  not  their  uniform  was  symbolical,  we  cannot  say  ;  but  their 
boots  were  green ;  *  their  jackets  and  trowsers  covered  with  a 
profusion  of  green  cord  and  lace;  epaulets,  knapsacks,  and 
cartouch  boxes  the  same ;  and  lastly,  as  a  sort  of  top  gallant, 
to  complete  the  climax,  they  supported  towering  green  chapeaus, 
surmounted  by  lofty,  drooping  feathers  of  like  color.  Their 
banner  corresponded ;  field,  green  flannel  hung  with  festoons 
and  pendants  of  tea-colored  crape.  Device :  a  bald  old  bach- 
elor lassoed  by  a  female  of  Amazonian  proportions  ;  the  captor 
dragging  the  victim  to  an  altar  at  the  base  of  a  decayed  hem- 
lock, and  overhead  a  turtle-dove,  mateless  and  roosting  on  a 
solitary  limb. 

Motto  :  "  Maiden's  Rights  and  Annexation." 
6.  LONG  RIFLE  RANGERS  —  distinguished  by  a  peculiarly 
careless  air  and  jaunting  gait :  destitute  of  knapsacks  and  can- 
teens, doubtless  calculating  to  supply  the  demands  of  appetite 
wherever  they  might  chance  to  light  upon  the  necessaries.    Ban- 

*  The  emblematic  color,  signifying  forsaken. 


230  LUCY    BOSTON. 

ner,  a  net-work  of  yarn  —  not  street-jam,  but  the  regular 
spun.  Device :  a  woman  scaling  a  fence  on  the  margin  of  an 
extensive  common  —  house  in  the  distance  behind. 

Motto  :  "  Extension  of  the  area  of  female  freedom." 

7.  HIGH-FLYING  ARTILLERY,  a  free  and  easy,  rollicking, 
dare-devil  kind  of  crew,  with  features  marked  and  distinctive 
—  eyes  black,  lips  thin,  feet  small,  ankles  slender  ;  from  crown 
to  toe,  trim  as  a  greyhound.     But  extremes  meet.     Their  fa- 
tigue, dress  consisted  of  a  wonderful  profusion  of  all  kinds  of 
fashionable  finery,  with  accouterments  correspondent  in  variety 
and  extravagance.     Banner :  a  field  of  silver  be-studded,  be- 
laced,    and   be-tasseled   with   pearls,    diamonds,  and    massive 
golden  nuggets.     Device  :  A  peacock  spread  —  and  a  pugna- 
cious swan  snapping  at  the  heels  of  a  retreating  donkey. 

Motto :  "  Progress  !   Clear  the  track  !  !  " 

8.  GRAY-HEADED  GRENADIERS,  whose  appellation  is  suf- 
ficiently descriptive  of  their  character  and  appearance.     They 
bore  a  black  flag,  on  which  was  represented  an  aged  matron 
throwing  her  protecting  arms   around  a  timid   maiden,  and 
"looking  daggers"  at  a  group  of  "boys  of  a  larger  growth." 

Inscription  :  "  Plague  take  the  day  Il>egat  you." 

9.  FAIRY   LIGHT   GUARDS  ;  The  Municipal   Attache,   or 
Body  Guard  of  the  Great  Metropolis. 

Fair  "  gartered  "  Knights  of  the  Silver  Bow, 

With  quivers  full  of  cupid-darts ; 

Who  boldly  face  the  whiskered  foe, 

And  "conquer  peace"  by  conq'ring  hearts. 

10.  ETHIOPIAN  REAR  GUARD,  the  imposing  climax  in  this 
military  display  of  the  feminine  Fillibusters,  heaving  up  in  the 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    231 

distance,  like  a  thunder-cloud  on  the  horizon,  and  especially 
distinguished  by  their  armor  of  ivory,  which  gleamed  in  serried 
rows  like  streaks  of  light.  Over  them  floated  a  white  banner, 
bearing  a  stately  negress  seated  in  the  chair  of  State,  with  a 
train  of  white  attendants  at  her  back,  and  in  either  hand  the 
insignia  of  power. 

Motto  :  "  Ethiopia  and  America  —  Liberty  and  Equality." 

11.  Sewing  Societies. 

12.  Quilting  Clubs. 

13.  Secret  Societies. 

14.  Know  Somethings. 

15.  Distinguished   characters;  among   them,  Mrs.  Caudle, 
Mrs.  Partington,  Madam  Fudge,  and  Mother  Bunch. 

16.  Spiritualists,  in  their  respective  orders  of  Kappers,  Tip- 
pers, Writers,  Talkers,  Singers,  Impressibles  and  Smellers. 

17.  Spirits  and  Furniture. 

18.  Citizens  and  strangers,  in  unnumbered  thousands. 
Accomplishing  the  passage  of  the  principal  avenues  to  the 

foot  of  State  Street,  the  doughty  phalanx  wheeled,  and  with, 
nimble  step  marching  up  the  ascent  to  the  tune  of 

"  The  Bloomer  GaUopade," 

environed  the  capitol,  with  a  massive,  living  wall  of  iron  hearts, 
in  aspect  more  "  battailous  "  than  simply  political.  An  im- 
posing deputation  demanded,  in  behalf  and  for  the  occupancy 
of  the  Female  State  Convention,  the  immediate  surrender  of 
the  chamber.  This  summary  demand  met  with  a  prompt  and 
heroic  denial. 

What  audacity !     How  grossly  insulting  to  the  dignity  and 
fconor  of  the  fair  filibusters,  thus  to  obstruct  the  action  of 


232  LUCY    BOSTON. 

their  far-reaching  patriotic  ambition  !  A  case  so  extremely 
aggravating,  so  destructive  of  authority,  so  unappreciative  of 
popular  sovereignty,  so  utterly  shameless  a  violation  of  the 
laws  of  good  breeding !  what  could  it  require  but  the  most 
summary  measures,  to  avenge  the  insult  and  wipe  out  the  dis- 
grace ?  Patriotism,  to  the  last  latent  spark,  kindled  with  he- 
roineic  rage.  A  council  of  war  forthwith  ensued.  Brief  was 
the  consultation  —  prompt  the  decision.  Following  a  hasty 
disposition  of  forces,  and  a  philippic  harangue,  to 

" Stiffen  the  sinews  and  summon  up  the  blood." 

" Music.  —  Onward,  ye  Braves"  screamed  the  Marshal  in 
chief.  One  enthusiastic  shout,  echoed  by  the  multitudes,  with 
the  voice  of  swelling  thunder,  and  the  cohorts  —  as  greyhounds 
from  the  leash  —  dashed  forward,  filling  porch,  hall,  and  cham- 
ber, and  like  an  avalanche  overwhelming  the  Legislature.  Re- 
sistance was  attempted,  but  in  vain.  The  members  of  either 
House  driven  before  the  inrushing  tide,  and  unable  to  escape, 
huddled  together  in  every  corner,  like  frightened  sheep.  Hurl- 
ing the  Speaker  headlong  from  his  seat,  General  Boss  occupied 
the  desk,  surrounded  by  her  staff,  and  the  orators  of  the  day. 
Over  them,  aloft,  was  planted  the  revolutionary  ensign  — 
breeches  and  boa  —  with  circling  spires,  flaming  crest  and  subtle 
eye  j  white,  from  window  and  gallery,  waved  the  banners  of  de- 
fiance and  triumph.  Senate  and  House  shared  equal  fate.  Com- 
pletely overthrown,  hemmed  in  and  garrisoned  about,  they  con- 
sidered "discretion  the  better  part  of  valor,"  and  made  no 
further  show  of  resistance.  The  Jacobins  thus  in  undisputed 
possession  of  the  capitol,  Marshal  Boss  arose  amid  tremendous 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    233 

cheers,  and  waving  her  claymore,  in  token  of  silence,  an- 
nounced that,  in  accordance  with  a  preconcerted  and  secret  ar- 
rangement, the  Honorable  Hannah  Ann  Hancock,  a  worthy 
descendant  of  the  illustrious  John,  of  revolutionary  memory, 
would  read  her  public  document  for  the  action  of  the  conven- 
tion. Whereupon  the  distinguished  lady,  advancing  with 
measured  dignity  and  precision,  pronounced  the  following 

DECLARATION : 

When,  in  the  course  of  inhuman  events,  it  becomes  neces- 
sary for  one  sex  to  break  the  oppressive  bands  which  have 
linked  them  with  the  other,  and  to  assume  the  separate  and 
superior  station  to  which  the  laws  of  nature  and  their  own 
abilities  evidently  entitle  them,  a  voluntary  condescension  leads 
them  to  declare  the  causes  which  impel  them  to  the  dissolution. 

We  hold  these  truths  to  be  self-evident,  that  all  women  are 
created  superior ;  that  they  are  invested  by  their  formation 
with  certain  unmistakable  rights;  that  among  these  are  life 
and  the  liberty  of  doing  as  they  please ;  that  whenever  any 
form  of  government  becomes  destructive  of  those  ends,  it  is 
the  right  of  the  women  to  alter  or  abolish  it,  and  to  institute  a 
new  polity,  laying  its  foundation  on  such  principles,  and  or- 
ganizing its  powers  in  such  forms,  as  to  them  shall  seem  most 
likely  and  speedily  and  safely  and  successfully  to  effect  their 
purpose.  Prudence  indeed  will  dictate,  that  a  government 
long  established  should  not  be  changed  for  light  and  transient 
causes;  and  accordingly  all  experience  hath  shown  that 
woman-kind  are  more  disposed  to  suffer,  while  evils  are  suffer- 
able,  than  to  right  themselves  by  abolishing  the  forms  to  which 
20* 


234  LUCY   BOSTON. 

they  have  been  accustomed.  But  when  a  long  train  of  abuses 
and  usurpations,  pursuing  invariably  the  same  object,  evinces 
a  settled  purpose  to  grind  them  under  absolute  and  eternal 
tyranny,  it  is  their  right,  it  is  their  duty,  to  rise  up  and  put 
down  such  a  despotism,  and  raise  new  breast-works  for  their 
future  protection.  Such  has  been  the  meek  and  patient  suffer- 
ance of  the  women  of  this  state;  and  such  is  the  necessity 
which  drives  them  to  upset  the  former  system  of  government. 
The  history  of  man  is  a  history  of  repeated,  uninterrupted, 
unprovoked  and  most  outrageous  injuries,  usurpations  and  in- 
sults, all  combining  in  a  direct  conspiracy,  forever,  to  hamper 
the  females  of  this  state.  For  proof  of  this,  let  the  plain  facts 
iu  the  case  be  told  to  the  world. 

He  has  refused  to  make  laws,  wholesome  and  necessary,  for 
the  good  of  the  female  public. 

He  has,  on  the  contrary,  passed  laws  the  most  unnecessary, 
unwholesome,  and  unpalatable  to  the  feminine  democracy  of 
this  commonwealth. 

He  has  prevented  the  establishment  of  justice. 

He  has  erected  a  multitude  of  houses  and  incarcerated  us 
within  them. 

He  has  tried  to  make  the  male  independent  of  and  superior 
to  the  female  power. 

He  has  endeavored  to  bring  us  under  a  subjection  contrary 
to  our  constitution ;  performing  acts  of  legislation  and  custom  : 

For  saddling  large  troops  of  children  upon  us ; 

For  curtailing  our  desires ; 

For  limiting  our  expenses ; 

For  packing  burdens  upon  us  without  our  consent; 


FOLLIES  OF  THE  X I X  T  H  CENTURY.     235 

For  compelling  us  to  make  clothes,  and  scour  and  starch 
and  darn  them  every  week  for  him  to  wear  out  on  his  own 
back; 

For  dooming  us  to  delve  in  the  kitchen ; 

For  confining  us  in  the  nursery  prison ; 

For  disallowing  us  the  privilege  of  voting  and  holding  pub- 
lic office; 

•     For  covering  us  with  shilling  calico  when  we  choose  silk, 
and  with  silk  when  we  prefer  satin. 

For  refusing  us  a  seat  in  the  legislature  and  declaring  him- 
self clothed  with  power  to  legislate  for  us  in  all  cases  whatso- 
ever : 

He  has  annulled  our  right  of  governing,  by  declaring  us 
under  his  subjection,  and  waging  war  against  our  privileges; 

He  has  plundered  our  affections,  rummaged  our  quarters, 
hooked  our  dresses,  and  fattened  on  the  spoils  of  our  sex ; 

He  has  excited  domestic  insurrections  among  us,  and  let 
loose  his  merciless  passions  to  prey  upon  us,  and  sought  by  all 
the  means  in  his  power  to  crush  out  our  lives  under  his  un- 
hallowed feet. 

In  every  stage  of  these  usurpations  and  oppressions  we 
have  petitioned  for  redress  and  relief  in  terms  the  most  pert 
and  emphatic,  as  well  as  lofty  and  authoritative;  our  oft- 
repeated  petitions,  complaints  and  demands,  have  been  an- 
swered only  by  repeated  wrongs. 

A  creature,  whose  character  is  thus  marked  by  every  act 
which  may  define  a  tyrant,  is  unfit  and  unable  to  be  the  head 
and  ruler  of  free  women. 

Nor  have  we  been  wanting  in  proper  attentions  to  our  male 


236  LUCY   BOSTON. 

brethren.  We  have  warned  them,  from  time  to  time,  against 
attempting  to  extend  an  unwarrantable  jurisdiction  over  us. 
We  have  reminded  them  of  our  peculiar  circumstances.  We 
have  appealed  to  their  sense  of  justice,  magnanimity  and  de- 
cency, and  we  have  conjured  them  by  the  ties  of  our  common 
kindred,  by  the  cords  of  affection,  by  the  sacred  ligaments  of 
matrimony,  by  the  tendrils  of  sympathy,  by  the  nerves  of  in- 
dependence and  the  muscles  of  vengeance ;  in  short,  by  all  the 
affections  that  link,  and  all  the  antipathies  that  sunder  the 
sexes,  we  have  implored  and  notified  them  to  disavow  and  dis- 
continue these  usurpations  and  oppressions,  which  would  inevi- 
tably interrupt  our  connection  and  intercourse.  They,  too,  have 
been  deaf  to  the  voice  of  justice  and  mercy,  of  love  and  hatred, 
of  warning  and  retribution.  We  are  driven,  therefore,  to  acqui- 
esce in  the  necessity  which  impels  us  to  revolution,  and  to  hold 
them  as  we  hold  all  marc-kind  —  hyenas  in  war;  in  peace,  mules. 
We,  therefore,  the  delegates  of  the  women  of  the  state  of 
New  York,  in  general  convention  assembled,  appealing  to  the 
highest  rule  of  the  world,  the  supremacy  of  our  intentions,  do, 
in  the  name  and  by  the  authority  of  the  good  women  of  this 
commonwealth,  deliberately  and  solemnly  declare,  that  the 
females  of  this  state  are,  and  of  right  ought  to  be,  FREE  AND 
INDEPENDENT  ;  that  they  are  absolved  from  all  allegiance  to 
men  j  and  that  as  free  and  independent  women,  they  have  full 
power  to  declare  war,  conclude  peace,  contract  alliances,  estab- 
lish commerce,  forsake  their  children,  enslave  the  men,  let 
themselves  loose,  in  short,  "  rule  the  roost,"  and  to  do  every 
thing  else  which  independent  women  may  and  can  do.  And 
for  the  support  of  this  declaration,  with  a  firm  reliance  on  the 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    237 

stretch  of  our  ambition,  the  inflexibility  of  our  will  and  the 
strength  of  our  grit,  we  mutually  pledge  each  other  to  stick 
together,  and,  "sink  or  swim/'  to  fight  it  through,  or  fail  in 
the  attempt." 

At  this  new  Declaration  of  Independence,  patriotism,  like  a 
pent-up  flood,  broke  loose  and  rushed  beyond  all  bounds.  Hands, 
feet  and  lungs,  vied  with  each  other  in  patriotic  concussion  and 
momentum.  The  capitol  shook  and  legislators  grew  pale. 
This  ebullition  of  freedom  measurably  subsiding,  Fannyetta 
Freeman,  Esq.,  presented  the  following  — 

Resolved,  That  this  convention,  having  taken  The  Declara- 
tion of  Independence,  just  read,  into  their  most  deliberate  and 
serious  consideration,  do,  on  this  the  fourth  day  of  July,  1876, 
unanimously  declare  that  the  reasons  assigned  in  this  immortal 
document,  for  pronouncing  the  women  of  the  state  of  New 
York  free  and  independent,  are  most  pointed,  cogent  and  con- 
clusive ;  and  while  we  greatly  deplore  the  necessity  which  has 
made  this  measure  unavoidable,  we  approve  the  same,  and  will, 
at  all  hazards,  hug  together  in  supporting  it. 

An  approving  shout  proclaimed  the  resolution  carried. 
Liberty  was  jubilant !  Music  woke  to  phrensied  joy  her  "  in- 
struments of  wind  and  sound,"  as  the  band  of  the  Muses 
delivered  in  uproarious  harmony  — 

"  The  Lords  of  Creation," 

after  which  the  "  campaign  quartette"  discoursed,  in  a  style 
worthy  the  palmy  age  of  Log  Cabin-ism,  the  following  ode, 
composed  expressly  for  the  occasion  :  — 


238  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Ye  women  of  the  Empire  State ! 
In  your  own  hands  you  grasp  your  fate ; 
Hold  it  fast ! 

The  nail  upon  the  head  you've  struck, 
And  now  with  genuine  woman's  pluck, 
Clinch  it  fast ! 

Proud  man,  at  last,  is  in  your  fist, 
And  though  he  flounce,  and  squirm,  and  twist, 
Hold  him  fast! 

He'll  through  your  fingers  try  to  slip, 
But  clutch  him ;  and  with  a  death-grip 
Hold  him  fast ! 

So  let  him  sly,  the  pofsum  play, 

Or  strive  by  force,  to  get  away, 

Hold  him  fast! 

Now  lose  no  time  in  parley  blab, 
But  quick,  with  an  almighty  grab, 
Hold  him  fast ! 

This  was  the  signal  for  the  final  maneuver  in  this  mistressly 
"  coup  d'tat,"  this  grand  stroke  of  revolutionary  policy.  The 
startling  motion  was  at  once  made  (evidently  according  to  a 
previously  concocted  plan)  and  unanimously  passed,  command- 
ing the  Legislature  to  go  into  session  upon  the  spot,  and  forth- 
with to  pass  a  law  granting  women  their  right  to  vote  and  hold 
public  office. 

"  Treason  I  treason  !  "  echoed  from  different  corners,  whither 
assemblymen  and  senators  had  taken  refuge. 

"  Bare-bosom  battalion  :  prepare  arms,  charge  !"    shouted 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    239 

the  Grand  Marshal.  The  onset  was  irresistible.  Our  public 
servants,  as  always  true  to  their  constituents  and  the  interests 
of  the  country,  met  it  gallantly,  like  men,  and  grappled  with 
their  antagonists,  willing  to  sell  themselves  as  dearly  as  possible 
in  their  country's  service ;  but  each  one  being  taken  smack  in 
the  face  with  a  blunder-buss,  it  was  too  much  for  flesh  and 
blood  to  withstand.  Capitulating,  they  cried  for  "  quarters," 
elevating  a  white  handkerchief  as  a  flag  of  truce ;  not  however 
till  they  had  given  back  to  their  assailants  as  good  as  they  sent, 
and  earned  by  their  valor  the  enviable  name  of  "  Defenders  of 
the  Constitution."  Our  veteran  and  gallant  legislators  were 
led  to  their  seats,  submissive,  pliant,  and  even  willing  captives, 
doubtless  with  noble  magnanimity,  acting  upon  the  principle 
that  "  to  the  victors  beloug  the  spoils,"  and  forthwith  passed 
the  following  enactment: — 

AN  ACT 

CONCERNING  WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. 

Whereas,  it  is  clearly  evident  that  the  women  are  in  every 
thing  equal,  if  not  superior,  to  the  men,  and 

Whereas,  it  is  just  and  expedient,  because  it  is  just,  that 
they  should  enjoy  fully  and  freely  all  the  rights  of  citizenship : 
Therefore 

The  people  of  the  state  of  New  York,  represented  in  Senate 
and  Assembly,  do  enact  and  declare 

That  the  constitution  of  this  State  be,  and  hereby  is,  altered 
and  amended,  so  as  to  enfranchise  all  females  past  the  age  of 
twelve  years,  granting  them  the  right  to  vote  at  all  elections, 
making  them  eligible  to  public  office,  and  entitling  them  in  all 


240  LUCY    BOSTON. 

respects  to  the  same,  and  equal  political  privileges  with  male 

citizens. 

Passed  July  4th,  1876. 

The  deed  was  done !  The  scepter  departed  from  man  !  His 
empire,  six  thousand  years  old,  was  no  more  !  The  underpen- 
ning  suddenly  extracted  from  the  Babel  of  his  sovereignty,  the 
cloud-capped  iron-ribbed,  time-defiant  structure  came  tumbling 
to  pieces.  Awful  crash  !  The  State-House  shook.  The  very 
hills  of  the  capital  rocked,  and  the  Hudson  fled  up  stream ! 
A  portentous  tremor  shot  through  either  hemisphere,  startling 
the  inhabitants  like  the  shock  of  an  earthquake. 

But  at  the  capital  was  tumultuous  joy.  Music  poured  out 
its  very  soul.  The  bells  opened  their  brazen  throats.  Cannons 
bellowed  and  roared  as  if  ready  to  split  their  sides.  Shouts 
and  huzzas  from  countless  thousands  rent  the  heavens. 

Meanwhile  the  male  inhabitants  of  the  city  and  others  from 
abroad,  attracted  thither  by  the  spectacle,  grouped  together 
here  and  there,  wherever  a  spot  could  be  found  for  the  sole  of 
their  foot,  some  making  merry  over  the  scene,  treating  it  as  a 
most  capital  joke.  Others,  sedate  and  thoughtful,  shook  their 
heads  and  cast  anxious  looks,  regarding  the  transactions  of  the 
day  as  an  innovation  in  the  highest  degree  dangerous,  tending 
strongly  to  the  corruption  of  morals  and  the  subversion  of 
public  order.  Deeply  earnest  were  their  protestations  against 
the  blindness,  the  folly,  the  culpability  of  winking  at,  or  trifling 
with  such  proceedings  —  proceedings  of  a  character  so  grave, 
so  shameless,  so  lawless;  meriting  the  contempt  and  demand- 
ing the  stern  rebuke  of  every  good  and  honest  citizen.  Trea- 
son stalked  boldly  in  the  capital !  Civil  war  was  waged  !  The 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    241 

reins  of  government  were  in  the  hands  of  the  mob !  Anarchy 
had  begun  !  Imbeciles !  madmen  !  traitors !  who  could  jest 
over  manhood  despoiled,  laugh  at  civil  polity  nullified,  and 
view  simply  as  a  pleasant  farce,  the  sinking  wreck  of  society. 

But  we  must,  at  least  for  the  present,  leave  the  jolly  pro- 
gressionists, fearless  of  "new  measures,"  to  make  merry,  and 
the  old  fogies,  with  lengthening  visage,  to  peer  ominously 
through  their  spectacles. 

Their  object  accomplished  in  the  enactment  of  a  bloodless 
revolution,  the  convention  adjourned  with  cheers  "  three  times 
three,"  making  heaven  and  earth  ring  again.  With  colors 
flying,  and 

"  All  the  while 
Sonorous  metal  blowing  martial  sounds," 

the  triumphal  return  began.  Animated  nature,  and  even  the 
very  elements,  caught  the  new  spirit  of  progression.  Horses 
were  fleet  as  the  wind,  and  carriage-wheels  rolled  without  fric- 
tion. Vessels  like  whizzing  arrows  shot  through  the  foam. 
Steam  generated  new  power.  Electricity  darted  with  increased 
velocity.  Locomotives  like  mighty  war  chargers,  snorting  and 
pawing,  leaped  from  their  stations  with  nerves  of  steel  and 
breath  of  fire,  whirling  the  illustrious  victors,  almost  with  the 
velocity  of  lightning,  over  their  burning  tracks  !  Waters 
spouted ;  forests  waved ;  hills  made  obeisance ;  winds  whis- 
tled Yankee  Doodle,  while  every  where  tables,  chairs  and 
stools  fell  to  kicking  up  their  heels  for  joy  !  The  Spheres  were 
evidently  celebrating  the  occasion  ! 
Moonlight  gleamed  on  the  capital. 
21 


• 

CHAPTER   XIX. 

"Who  shall  decide  when  Mediums  disagree?" 

AMONG-  those  whose   vocation  led  them,  by  the  various 
"  ways  and  means,"  to  discover  the  hidden  things  of  both 
worlds,  an  intermeddling  or  prying  spirit  had  been  called  up, 
giving  an  additional  demonstration  of  the  beauties  and  utility 
of  <l  Spiritualism." 

Funglehead  the  Seer,  one  night,  from  the  "  Hock  of  Vision/* 
through  his  spiritual  eye-glasses,  saw  a  young  lady,  a  member 
of  the  "  circle,"  somewhere,  and  publicly  reported  the  same. 
She  positively  declared  it  was  not  "  her,  but  somebody  else." 

Amos  also  saw  a  gentleman  somewhere  else,  who,  when  the 
news  thereof  came  to  his  ears,  pronounced  it  false,  as  he  was 
not  there,  and  never  had  been. 

This  afforded  matter  for  public  speculation,  to  an  indefinite 
extent.  Some  thought  the  Seer  could  not  be  mistaken.  Quite 
a  number  suggested,  that  if  he  did  see  anybody,  he  had  no  bus- 
iness to  tell  of  it.  The  ladies,  in  particular,  took  the  broad 
ground,  that  he  had  no  right  to  look  any  way. 

"It  comes  to  a  pretty  pass,"  said  they,  " if  a  body  can't  go 
nowhere,  nor  do  nothing,  nor  even  speak  nor  think,  without 
having  old  Amos  roosting  on  his  rock  and  peeking  through  his 
specs  at  us  all  the  time." 

(242) 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    243 

This  subject  of  Amos'  spiritual  clairvoyance  was  finally  and 
very  elaborately  canvassed  one  afternoon,  at  a  large  tea-party. 
Were  we  writing  in  the  by-gone  age  of  horse-power,  when  the 
world  trundled  along  by  stage  coach,  under  the  everlasting 
four  "  knots  an  hour "  system,  we  would  furnish  a  report  in 
detail  of  the  interesting  session,  to  fill  up  the  time,  and  relieve 
the  dull  monotony.  But  as  this  is  the  age  of  steam  and  light- 
ning, making  time  and  space  mere  abbreviations,  when  people 
read,  and  eat,  and  sleep  laconically,  we  must  adapt  ourselves 
to  the  spirit  of  the  times,  and  narrate  generically  and  not 
specifically,  except  where  very  particular  reasons  necessitate 
the  contrary.  Accordingly,  the  details  of  our  anti-spiritual- 
istic tea-party,  though  in  many  respects  novel  and  edifying,  we 
pass  unchronicled.  However,  it  will  indicate  the  outline,  and 
imagination  can  fill  up  the  picture,  when  we  say  that  Amos 
would  have  been  in  extreme  peril,  had  he  shown  his  head 
among  them.  Some  threatened  to  throw  scalding  water  on 
him,  and  others  declared  they  would  smash  his  spectacles,  if 
they  coujd  get  their  hands  on  them.  High  ran  the  excitement, 
and  desperate  were  the  machinations  against  him,  when  a 
maiden  lady,  who  had  hitherto  maintained  a  degree  of  taci- 
turnity, with  a  view  to  quell  the  turbulence  of  her  mobocratic 
sisters,  exclaimed  — 

"  Why,  law  me !  I  jist  as  lives  Mr.  Funglehead  would  look 
at  me  all  the  while,  as  not." 

Finally,  they  all  agreed  they  had  never  said  or  done  any 
thing  to  be  ashamed  of,  but  still  they  held  that  it  was  ungen- 
tlemanly  and  impudent  in  Amos  to  be  forever  peeking  into 
other  peoples'  matters. 


. 


244  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Celestial  meetings  had  been  held,  and  divers  manifestations 
made,  when  a  spirit  (through  what  kind  of  a  Medium  we 
never  knew)  called  the  "  circle  "  together  again,  on  a  certain 
evening.  All  the  members  were  present  and  highly  elated. 
Encircling  the  table,  after  the  manner  of  the  old  regimen,  they 
joined  hands,  and  the  "  manifestations  "  commenced,  varying 
respectively,  according  to  the  different  kinds  of  Mediums. 

The  "rappers"  began  to  thump.  The  "writers"  motioned 
for  paper  and  pencil,  which  not  being  furnished  them,  they 
used  their  finger-nails  upon  the  table,  making  deep  spiritual  in- 
dentations. The  "talkers"  made  mouths.  The  "smellers" 
^/  snuffed,  and  the  eyes  of  Amos  the  Seer  projected  from  their 
sockets,  apparently  fastened  on  some  distant  object.  Thus  was 
constituted  a  grand  union  circle,  a  combination  of  the  different 
schools  of  Spiritopathy,  a  grand  consolidation  and  opening  of 
all  the  sluices  of  communication  from  the  Spirit-Land. 

The  room  was  evidently  full  of  spirits,  loading  the  Mediums 
with  dispatches,  ready  to  be  announced. 

But  the  "  master  of  ceremonies"  was  in  a  quandary.  If  he 
should  put  the  usual  question  — "  What  spirits  are  present  ?" 
they  would  all  answer  at  once,  in  clamor  and  confusion.  To 
ask  in  rotation  was  inexpedient,  lest  those  delayed  should  take 
offense  at  being  slighted,  and  in  consequence,  important  mes- 
sages be  lost  to  the  world.  Here  was  a  dilemma,  unlocked  for 
and  perplexing.  But  something  must  be  done,  for  the  spirits 
were  not  to  be  trifled  with.  On  the  whole,  as  the  safest  alter- 
native, he  concluded  to  call  for  particular  spirits,  from  whom 
he  felt  anxious  to  hear.  So  he  asked, 

"  Is  the  spirit  of  Peter  Finkle  present  ?  " 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXin    CENTURY.    245 

Thump  —  thump  —  thump,  by  the  "  rappers." 

"  Here,"  "  here,"  cut  deep  in  the  table  by  the  "  writers." 

"  On  hand  every  time,"  sung  out  the  "  talker." 

Funglehead's  eyes  plainly  indicated  that  he  saw  it. 

Z.  Socrates  the  "  smeller,"  with  nostrils  distended,  snorted 
like  a  porpoise. 

All  answering  thus  in  the  affirmative,  it  was  unquestionable 
that  the  spirit  was  communicative  any  way,  and  every  way. 
However,  preferring  to  leave  it  to  adopt  its  own  method,  the 
operator  inquired  — 

"  What  does  the  spirit  of  Peter  Finkle  wish  to  commu- 
nicate ?  " 

Answer  (by  the  talking  Medium).  "  Don't  believe  any 
body  but  me.  Those  '  rappers'  are  impostors,  and  so  are  all 
the  others.  They  were  turned  out  of  the  '  Spheres'  and  cast 
down  to  purgatory.  I  tell  the  truth." 

Answer  (by  the  writing  Mediums).  "  That  talker  is  no 
good  spirit.  It  is  a  notorious  liar.  Shun  it." 

The  other  Mediums  were  mute,  as  they  never  communicated 
except  in  answer  to  interrogatories,  although  they  appeared  to 
be  under  deep  concern  of  mind,  and  no  wonder.  The  "  writer" 
had  his  backers,  who  declared  he  was  right.  So,  on  the  other 
hand,  the  "  talker"  — and  things  took  on  a  dubious  aspect. 

The  leader,  being  partial  to  the  old  school  —  in  other  words, 
the  "  rappers"  (who  were  sitting  with  knuckles  ready  on  the 
table)  —  determined  to  give  them  a  chance,  and  asked  — 

"  Art  thou  the  real  spirit  of  Peter  Finkle?" 

Answer,  by  all,  affirmatively. 

Question.     "  Art  thou  in  the  Upper  Sphere  ?  " 
21* 


246  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Half  rapped  in  the  affirmative  and  half  in  the  negative. 

The  interrogator,  supposing  himself  misunderstood,  repeated 
the  question  distinctly,  placing  special  emphasis  upon  the  word 
"upper;"  but  the  "raps"  were  the  same,  pro  and  con  as  be- 
fore, and  each  so  loud  as  to  leave  no  doubt  of  their  earnestness. 

The  respective  Mediums,  with  their  supporters,  were  thus 
divided  into  four  factions,  as  above  indicated,  each  claiming  to 
be  orthodox,  and  pronouncing  the  others  heterodox. 

Amos,  meanwhile,  had  kept  his  seat,  as  quietly  as  possible 
under  the  circumstances,  but  straining  his  eyes  nearly  out  of 
his  head.  He  had  not  winked  even  once.  Amos  never 
winked  when  looking  through  spiritual  optics. 

Z.  Socrates,  the  smeller,  was  very  uneasy.  He  had  fre- 
quently turned  up  his  nasal  organ  as  if  in  the  vicinity  of 
something  exceedingly  offensive  to  his  spiritual  olfactories. 

Who  shall  decide  when  the  spirits  disagree  ?  Here  was  a 
conflict  of  communications  sufficiently  contradictory;  but  there 
being  two  Mediums  as  yet  unheard  from,  it  was  thought  best 
to  go  through  the  list,  so  the  operator  inquired  — 

"  Doth  Amos  the  Seer  see  the  spirit  of  Peter  Finkle  ?" 

"  Yea,  he  does,"  answered  Funglehead. 

"  Where  doth  it  reside  ?" 

"  It  doth  reside  in  the  bottom  Sphere." 

"  I  don't  believe  a  word  of  it,"  said  one. 

"  What  did  I  tell  you,"  exclaimed  another. 

"  Humbug  !"  cried  others. 

"  I  never  had  any  faith  in  the  rappers." 

"  As  much  as  I  ever  had  in  the  scrawlers,"  was  the  ready 
retort. 


FOLLIES   or   THE   XIXiH   CENftnY.    247 

Thus  some  declared  one  thing  and  some  another)  criminating 
and  recriminating. 

Amos  had  his  full  share  of  followers,  who  of  course  de- 
nounced all  other  Mediums,  and  so  a  fifth  sect  was  formed. 
Great  confusion  prevailed,  and  the  "  circle"  was  likely  to  break 
up  in  a  row. 

Z.  Socrates  had  maintained  a  knowing  silence,  ever  and 
anon,  with  an  air  of  wisdom,  applying  a  handkerchief  to  the 
extremity  of  his  proboscis.  Finally,  the  leader  asked, 

"Doth  the  smeller  scent  that  the  spirit  of  Peter  Finkle  is 
present '( 

"  The  smeller  doth  smell  many  things,"  was  the  reply. 

The  question  was  repeated,  when  Z.  Socrates  answered  with 
a  snuff, 

"  I  smell  Peter  Finkle's  spiritual  presence,  and  I  am  his 
only  mouth-piece  —  nose-piece,  I  mean.  I  am  the  final  incar- 
nation of  spiritualism.  I  smell  that  all  these  Mediums  are  ^ 
quacks.  Peter  Finkle  was  a  Dutchman.  His  spirit  hasn't 
understood  a  word  of  your  English,  and  can't  without  an 
interpreter ;  besides,  he  is  deaf  and  dumb. 

"  That's  a  fact,"  said  one. 

"  True  as  the  almanac,"  cried  another. 

The  Medium  of  the  deaf  and  dumb  Dutchman,  to  prove 
his  veracity,  at  once  communicating  with  Mr.  Finkle,  defunct, 
threw  himself  into  all  conceivable  shapes  and  attitudes, 
thereby  demonstrating  his  familiarity  with  the  manipulative," 
pedestrial  and  physiognomical  alphabet  of  the  celestial  deaf 
mutes. 

All  acquiesced  in  the  superior  knowledge  of  Z.  Socrates  Noz- 


248  LUCY  BOSTON. 

zleman.  His  exposition  was  entirely  satisfactory  to  the  "  circle." 
Although  many  were  loth  to  abandon  their  favorite  theories 
and  sects,  still  the  star  of  Z.  Socrates  was  in  the  ascendant. 

A  vital  truth  in  the  science  of  "  Spiritualism"  had  thus  been 
evolved,  to  wit :  that  spirits  retain  not  only  their  personal  identi- 
ty, but  the  features  of  their  physical,  as  well  as  moral  peculiari- 
ties, and  cannot  naturally  communicate  save  in  their  own  mun- 
dane, vernacular  tongue.  Hence  it  is  conclusive,  either  that  the 
languages  are  not  taught,  or  if  they  are,  that  all  do  not  become 
linguists  in  the  "  Spheres."  Hence,  also,  the  origin  of  the  vari- 
ous mistakes  and  failures  of  the  Spiritualists.  The  mystery 
was  thus  unraveled,  and  cleared  of  obscurity  —  a  great  and  all- 
important  discovery.  Henceforth  the  New  Lights  considered 
their  infallibility  as  settled.  They  all  agreed  that  the  smelling 
"  Medium  "  was  accurate ;  but  as  sectarians,  more  or  less  felt 
unwilling  to  admit  that  the  others  were  not  also  reliable.  Large 
bets  were  laid  on  the  heads  of  their  favorite  "  Mediums,"  that 
if  allowed  fair  play,  they  would  "  hit  the  mark  "  every  time, 
and  it  was  stipulated,  by  general  consent,  that  Z.  Socrates  Noz- 
zleman,  the  smeller,  should  act  as  umpire. 

To  test  their  respective  merits,  the  sapient  "  circle "  was 
again  formed,  the  owner  of  the  table  taking  the  precaution  to 
furnish  stationery  for  the  "writers,"  to  save  his  furniture  from 
being  further  disfigured. 

No  sooner  was  the  psychological  ring  described  by  joining 
of  hands,  than  in  rushed  the  spirits  like  a  whirlwind.  Never 
before  had  they  appeared  in  such  numbers.  It  seemed  as  if 
the  "  Spheres  "  had  made  a  general  "  turn  out,"  and  all  were 
importunate  to  speak  at  once. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    249 

The  leader  foresaw  the  confusion  about  to  follow.  What 
could  he  do  ?  How  to  send  them  back  again  he  knew  not. 
To  turn  them  out  of  doors  was  impossible.  His  scepter  of  au- 
thority over  them  was  a  broken  reed.  Never  before  had  they 
acted  so  lawlessly.  Without  a  question  being  asked,  the  vari- 
ous "  Mediums"  were  all  in  motion,  according  to  their  respec- 
tive "  orders."  The  rappings  were  deafening.  The  tongue  of 
the  talker,  unbridled,  ran  rampant  and  wild.  Amos'  eyes  rolled 
and  flashed  like  two  balls  of  electricity.  The  nose  of  Z.  Soc- 
rates becoming  fearfully  distended,  fell  to  snuffing  as  if  all  the 
perfumery  of  the  Spheres  were  unbottled,  and  the  spiritual 
effluvia  tickling  its  nervous  sensibilities,  threw  it  into  a  fit  of 
sneezing,  so  violently  explosive  as  to  be  in  danger  of  detaching 
itself  from  the  physiognomy  of  its  owner.  Surely,  in  all  nose- 
dom,  there  was  not  another  such  nose  as  that  of  Z.  Socrates 
Nozzleman.  No  wonder  that  by  common  consent,  he  was 
christened  the  "  mighty  snorter,"  as  he  was. 

But  to  the  "circle."  It  was  a  moment  of  most  intense  in- 
terest. The  rival  "  Mediums/'  each  pitted  against  the  others, 
had  fairly  entered  the  "ring"  for  superiority,  and  fierce  in- 
deed was  the  contest. 

Amid  incessant  "  knockings,"  the  "  talkers "  continually 
shouted, 

"  I  can't  keep  still — I  won't  keep  still  —  stop  your  noise, 
and  save  your  knuckles."  .J 

The  "  writers,"  with  great  rapidity  filling  their  sheets,  in 
fine  hand,  closely  interlined,  wrote  — 

"Cease  that  clamor.  Shut  your  mouth  —  quit  pounding — 
stop  that  blab,"  &c.,  &c. 


250  LUCY   BOSTON. 

The  leader,  with  the  intention  of  bringing  the  spirits  to  order 
and  putting  an  end  to  the  noise  and  confusion,  inquired, 

"  What  spirit  is  present  ?  " 

"  I'm  here  myself — I'm  here  myself,"  shouted  the  "talker." 

"Its  a  lie;  we're  here  —  Its  a  lie;  we're  here" — answered 
the  "writers." 

The  operator  directing  himself  to  the  "  talking  Medium," 
enquired  with  emphatic  distinctness, 

"  Whose  —  spirit  —  are  —  you  ?  " 

"  I'm  my  own  spirit,  sir.     Nobody  owns  me  but  myself." 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  " 

"  None  of  your  business.     Who  made  you  my  confessor,  sir." 

The  interrogator  was  fairly  non-plussed.  Whether  it  was 
Napoleon,  Hannibal,  Giant  Grim,  or  the  Devil  he  could  not 
tell,  but  it  was  manifestly  a  bold  one.  Mr.  Moderator  would 
gladly  have  dropped  the  subject  at  this  point,  but  he  durst  not 
through  fear  of  exciting  a  new  "  manifestation,"  as  the  spirits 
are  exceedingly  sensitive. 

Thinking  that  possibly  his  manner  of  interrogation  might 
not  have  been  sufficiently  deferential,  he  bowed  and  said, 

"  Will  you  have  the  kindness  to  inform  me  whose  spirit  you 
are?" 

"  I  told  you  once  I  was  nobody's  but  my  own.  You  fool ! 
can't  you  understand  nothing  ?  " 

This  was  a  poser,  argumentum  ad  hominem,  rather  personal. 
The  spirit  was  clearly  in  high  dudgeon,  from  some  cause,  and 
the  poor  man  knew  not  how  soon  a  spiritual  "revolver"  or 
bowie-knife  might  make  daylight  shine  through  him.  Being 
opposed  to  war  and  dueling,  he  gave  the  "  code  of  honor"  the 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    251 

go-by,  pocketed  the  insult,  and  withdrew,  by  turning  his  atten- 
tion to  the  writers.  They  had  communicated  nothing  new, 
but  observing  one  of  them  with  pen  in  hand,  apparently  await- 
ing orders,  he  politely  requested, 

"  Will  the  spirit  be  kind  enough  to  write  its  name  ( " 

"No,  I  won't.     Its  none  of  your  business,  sir." 

The  "  circle  "  looked  dead  blank  at  so  unexpected  a  rebuff, 
and  such  unparalleled  obstinacy.  Great  was  the  wonderment 
as  to  who  it  could  be.  The  "  rappers,"  in  turn,  were  interro- 
gated with  respect  to  their  spiritual  constituents  whom  they 
represented,  but  with  no  more  satisfactory  result.  Every  mil- 
itary chieftain,  robber  and  outlaw,  recorded  in  history  or  ro- 
mance, was  called,  but  to  each  was  received  a  negative  "rap." 

The  backers  of  the  "  Mediums"  who  had  "  communicated," 
drooped  with  discouragement.  Who  in  the  name  of  all  the 
"  Spheres "  could  be  the  rebel  ghost,  so  wilful  and  daring  as 
thus  to  "  snub "  the  "  Mediums,"  and  bring  the  science  of 
Spiritology  into  public  contempt. 

Amos  the  Seer  had  not  winked  for  an  hour.  His  optics 
were  fixed  and  glassy.  His  backers  knew  it  was  all  clear  to 
him,  and  at  their  suggestion  the  moderator  asked, 

"  Doth  Amos  the  Seer  see  the  spirit  ?  " 

"Yea,  verily,"  he  replied. 

"  Can  Amos  the  Seer  tell  his  name  ?  " 

"Yea,  he  can. 

"There, what  did  we  tell  you  !"  exclaimed  the  Amosites. 

"That  art  the  spirit  of  General  Taylor,"  continued  the  Seer. 
"  It  hath  on  regimentals  and  is  on  horseback." 

"Doth  it  wear  an  overcoat?"  asked  the  moderator. 


252  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"  Yea,  an  old  gray  surtout. 

"  The  color  of  his  breast  ?  " 

"  It  is  like  unto  milk." 

tf  The  Old  Hero  of  Buena  Vista,  as  sure  as  guns  ! "  ex- 
claimed one. 

"  And  the  old  gray  coat?"  cried  another. 

"And  old  <  Whitey/  too,"  joined  a  third. 

"  Hurrah  for  Spiritualism  and  Amos  the  Seer ! "  shouted  the 
supporters  of  Funglehead,  with  exultation. 

"  Its  all  a  dev'lish  lie  ! "  yelled  the  "  talker,"  bristling  up  to 
Amos  in  a  pugnacious  manner. 

"  That's  so,"  scrawled  the  writers,  assuming  a  similar  at- 
titude. 

The  "knockers,"  too,  with  fists  doubled  in  pugilistic  style, 
gathered  around  the  man  of  "  Vision,"  as  if  about  to  give 
him  a  rapping  "  demonstration "  that  would  at  least  be  im- 
pressive. Some  of  the  peace  members  interfering,  warned 
them  to  forbear  all  belligerent  demonstrations,  lest "  Old  Zach." 
should  play  up  Buena  Vista  with  them. 

The  friends  of  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman  were  anxious  to 
"  make  a  strike,"  and  one  of  them  inquired  — 

"  What  doth  Z.  Socrates,  the  smeller,  smell  ?  " 

"  The  smeller  doth  smell  much." 

"Doth  he  smell  the  spirit  of  General  Taylor?" 

"  Nay,  it  aint  here,  and  hath  not  been." 

"  There  ! "  "  There  ! "  "  There  ! "  echoed  from  different 
parts  of  the  "  circle." 

"What  spirit  doth  Z.  Socrates,  the  scenter,  scent?  "  asked 
the  moderator. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    253 

"He  doth  scent  the  spirit  of  a  female.  It  doth  savor 
strongly  of  woman's  rights." 

"  Her  name  ?  " 

"  She  doth  forbid  me  to  tell." 

"  And  why  ?  " 

"  Because." 

The  secret  was  out.  It  was  in  truth  a  lady  spirit.  The 
pertinent  responses,  and  especially  the  universal  woman's 
"reason"  or  all-final  "because,"  proved  it. 

Z.  Socrates  exulted  iu  Lis  triumph.  The  rival  "Mediums" 
stood  aghast.  Noscology  was  established  on  a  firm  basis.  It 
was  the  grand  demonstrator  of  Spiritualism. 

The  "  circle "  broke  up  in  high  glee,  at  the  thought  that 
now  they  were  on  the  right  track  —  the  real  "  straight  line" 
between  earth  and  the  "  Spheres." 

The  "  Rock  of  Vision  "  had  become  notorious.  The  mis- 
chievousness  of  boys  was  always  so. 

*********          * 

Now,  it  was  the  habit  of  Amos  the  Seer  to  make  nightly 
observations  from  his  spiritual  observatory.  He  came  as  usual 
and  took  his  position.  Never  before  did  granite  present  a  sur- 
face of  such  downy  softness.  The  spiritual  oozing  was  abun- 
dant. Surely  the  rock  must  have  become  instinct  with  the  vi- 
tality of  Spiritualism,  and  delighted  with  the  contact  of  a 
body  of  its  own  "  kidney,"  it  clung  to  his  unmentionables 
with  the  most  affectionate  adhesiveness.  Never  till  then  was 
there  so  close  an  affinity  between  granite  and  fustian.  The 
union  was  beatific.  From  the  tips  of  his  hair  to  the  ends  of 
his  toes,  the  man  of  vision  felt  a  thrill  of  pleasure. 
22 


254  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Amos  had  carefully  anointed  his  goggles  with  the  spiritual 
eye  salve,  and  with  clairvoyant  optics  was  about  to  review  the 
lower  regions,  when  lo  !  a  report  like  thunder !  and  amid  flame 
and  fume,  the  Rock  of  Vision  and  Funglehead  ascended  !  The 
last  that  was  seen  of  Amos  he  was  on  his  way  to  the  seventh 
Sphere !  His  followers  declare  he  was  promoted  by  the  spirits, 
and  that  the  noise  and  smoke  were  but  the  percussive  friction 
of  their  electric  wings  in  elevating  him  to  his  more  exalted 
position. 

Rumor  said  there  was  a  strong  smell  of  pitch  and  brimstone, 
and  that  saltpeter  had  more  to  do  than  the  spirits  in  his  ethe- 
rial  elevation.  This,  however,  must  be  a  mistake,  as  a  pilgrim 
from  the  Seventh  Zone  afterwards  brought  the  intelligence 
that  one  Amos  Funglehead  suddenly  made  his  appearance  there 
—  that  he  had  turned  doctor  and  was  peddling  roots  with  a 
horse  and  sulky ! 


CHAPTER    XX. 

"  It  is  jealousy's  peculiar  nature 
To  swell  small  things  to  great ;  nay,  out  of  nought 
To  conjure  much ;  and  then  to  lose  its  reason 
Amid  the  hideous  phantoms  it  has  formed." 

WILSON  maintained  his  accustomed  good  humor,  although 
he  would  have  been  better  pleased  had  his  wife  re- 
mained at  home  and  attended  to  the  household  cares.  Yet  he 
never  allowed  himself  to  cherish  towards  her  feelings  of  dis- 
pleasure, nor  to  address  her  in  the  language  of  unkindness  or 
complaint.  In  no  event  had  her  "  rights,"  as  hitherto  under- 
stood, suffered  the  least  abridgment  at  his  hands.  Liberal  in- 
dulgence, rather  than  restraint  in  the  least  degree,  was  his 
rule  of  conduct  relative  to  his  companion  —  an  example,  by 
the  way,  worthy  of  all  imitation  by  partners  on  the  voyage  of 
life. 

The  "  woman's  rights"  meeting  had  set  the  community  in 
a  blaze.  Wilson  and  the  editor  were  almost  the  only  persons 
in  the  vicinity  who  dared  express  a  doubt  as  to  the  new  scheme 
of  political  reform. 

One  night  when  the  curtains  were  drawn,  our  landlord  ex- 
plained to  his  wife  at  large  the  inevitable  effects  of  the  excite- 
ment, reasoned  with  her  sensibly  on  the  subject  with  which 

(255) 


256  LUCY   BOSTON. 

she  was  so  possessed,  and  besought  her  to  abandon  it,  assuring 
her  it  was  not  well  considered,  that  she  would  be  ridiculed  af- 
terwards, and  if  unable  to  be  convinced  of  her  error,  by  all 
means  not  to  make  herself  so  conspicuous  in  the  movement. 

Mrs.  Wilson  listened  with  silent  but  ominous  attention. 
When  not  out  of  humor,  she  had  scarcely  ever  been  disposed 
to  cross  her  husband's  wishes.  But  when  the  fit  was  on, 
which  at  length  had  become  chronic,  —  or,  to  use  a  more 
charitable  expression,  when  her  spirit  of  independence  was 
aroused,  —  she,  would  peremptorily  demand  her  " rights"  and 
vow  that  she  would  have  them  "  any  how." 

Wilson  often  asked  for  her  definition  of  "  rights,"  but  could 
get  no  answer  satisfactory  to  him. 

"  What  is  it  you  want,  my  dear,"  he  would  frequently  in- 
quire, with  real  anxiety. 

"  I  want  my  '  rights,'  "  was  the  invariable  reply. 

Like  a  generous  soul  as  he  was,  he  granted  her  every  thing 
she  desired :  money,  ostensibly  the  sole  management  of  the 
household  affairs,  and  —  to  use  his  own  language  —  liberty  to 
"  put  on  his  breeches  and  raise  the  devil  her  own  way." 

But  this  was  not  sufficient.  She  must  and  would  have  her 
"  rights."  Somehow  the  idea  had  found  its  way  into  her  head, 
that  she  was  to  be  elected  a  member  of  the  Legislature.  In 
short,  she  had  fallen  into  the  fashion  of  being  ambitious  for 
office. 

Wilson  saw  the  futility  of  attempting  to  change  the  current 
of  a  "strong  mind."  He  also  perceived  that  Badger  was 
holding  her  spell-bound  —  that  whatever  "  Mr.  Badger"  said, 
did,  or  advised,  was  to  her  the  rule  of  action,  His  will  was 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    257 

her  pleasure,  although  it  might  be  in  opposition  to  her  hus- 
band's wishes.  Not  that  Amaziah  intentionally  trespassed  up- 
on the  marital  authority  of  his  host,  nor  that  his  hostess  inten- 
tionally lacked  either  in  propriety  or  conjugal  fidelity.  It  was 

purely  the  result  of  spiritualistic  affinity  —  an  involuntary  co- 

\j 
incidence  of  reformatory  activity,  and  of  which  they  were 

wholly  unconscious,  belonging  as  they  did  to  the  class  of  Im- 
pressible Mediums. 

Mrs.  Wilson  had  not  fallen  into  a  Jit  for  some  time,  a  very 
unusual  phenomenon  in  that  latitude. 

Now  Wilson,  with  all  his  fund  of  good  nature,  had  natu- 
rally a  great  aversion  to  "  fits,"  but  he  had  come  to  feel  a  relish 
for  one,  provided  it  could  be  induced  in  a  modified  form.  In 
other  words  —  was  it  secret  jealousy  or  to  develop  human  na- 
ture and  for  the  sake  of  the  "  fun  "  — he  felt  an  itching  to  see 
his  wife  and  the  "old  bachelor"  have  a,  falling  out;  and  it 
must  be  confessed  that  in  addition  (nor  is  it  strange),  there 
was  lurking  in  his  feelings  a  determination  not  to  stand  in  the 
way,  if  the  lady  of  the  Iwuse  should  again  order  Badger  to 
change  his  boarding-place. 

"  That  was  a  splendid  dress ;  do  you  know  what  it  cost  ? " 
said  Wilson  to  his  wife. 

"  What  dress  ?"  asked  she,  with  a  tone  and  look  of  inquisi- 
tive surprise.  "  Have  you  bought  me  one  since  I've  been 
gone  ?" 

"  No.     1  mean  that  one  Badger  got  in  U yesterday. 

I  think  she'll  look  pretty  fine  in  it,"  said  he,  archly. 

"  Did  Badger  buy  a  dress  there  ?   Who  was  it  for  ?   I  did'nt 
know  it/'  ejaculated  she,  with  jealous  anxiety. 
22* 


258  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  0,  you  don't  know  any  thing  about  it  then  ?  If  he  hasn't 
told  you,  I  suppose  I  shouldn't  speak  of  it.  So  let  it  pass. 
Its  all  right;  you'll  see  it  when  its  made  up.  Don't  say  I 
mentioned  it  j  friend  Badger  might  not  like  it,  and  I  don't 
want  to  offend  him,"  said  Wilson,  as  if  he  had  unwittingly 
revealed  a  secret. 

"  You  shall  tell  me  too.  I  should  like  to  know  who  he's  buying 
dresses  for.  For  my  part,  I  don't  think  it  looks  well  for  any 
woman  to  receive  a  dress  from  him.  Come  now,  husband,  do 
tell  me  all  about  it." 

"  I  guess  its  all  right,"  said  he  evasively.  "  Badger  knows 
what  he's  about.  Perhaps  he  didn't  buy  it  for  a  woman.  The 
men  may  want  satin  soon." 

"  Satin,  satin,  a  satin  dress !  I'll  find  out  who  he's  been 
getting  satin  dresses  for.  Now  you  know  all  about  it.  You 
shall  tell  me.  If  you  don't,  I'll  make  him  tell,  and  turn  him 
out  of  the  house  besides,"  said  she,  showing  plainly  the 
"  symptoms." 

"  0  not  so  bad  as  that,  we  can't  spare  Mr.  Badger.  He 
must  stay  with  us  for  life,  or  at  least  till  he  gets  married.  You 
should'nt  think  of  having  him  leave  us." 

"  Do  you  suppose  I'm  going  to  keep  a  suspicious  old  bachelor 
here  always  ?  Can't  go  out  of  town  but  he's  buying  somebody 
a  new  satin  dress,  and  not  let  me  know  any  thing  about  it  — 
never.  I'll  turn  him  off  to-morrow  morning  if  he  don't  give 
me  that  dress ;  so  there." 

"  I  guess  by  what  I  learn,  you  won't  get  it.  You'll  see 
»omebody,  one  of  these  days,"  said  Wilson  insinuatingly.  "It 
must  cost  Mr.  Badger  a  great  deal  of  money  to  get  so  many 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    259 

presents  for  the  ladies.  That  watch  couldn't  have  cost  less 
than  sixty  dollars." 

"  What  watch,  do  tell  ?" 

"  Ah,  you  don't  know  any  thing  about  that  neither.  Of 

course  you  saw but  I  hadn't  better  say  any  thing  more, 

I  guess.  Let's  drop  the  subject,  its  all  right,  Badger  under- 
stands himself." 

"  Now  Harry,  you  shall  tell  me  who  he's  give  the  dress  and 
watch  to  —  you  ought  to,  when  I  wan't  to  know  so  bad,"  said 
she,  coaxingly. 

"  You  keep  an  eye  out/'  returned  he,  as  if  putting  her  on 
the  track  to  learn  it  all,  "  and  if  you  see  a  certain  lady  with  a 
new  watch,  it  won't  be  called  inquisitive  among  yourselves  if 
you  enquire  pretty  closely  where  it  came  from." 

"  Has  he  given  it  away  so  quick  ?  I  wish  I'd  known  it.  He 
never  would' ve  come  into  our  door  again,  I  can  tell  you  that. 
I  mistrusted  something  wasn't  right  some  time  ago,  and  now  I 
know  it.  I'll  give  him  a  walking  paper  before  another  day 
passes  over  my  head  —  new  satin  dress!  —  gold  watch!  — 
what  a  mean  thing  she  must  be  to  take  'em.  He  better  not 
offer  'em  to  me.  He  knows  better  than  that,  I  assure  you," 
said  she  with  compressed  lip,  and  a  significant  shake  of  the 
head. 

"  Don't  blame  one  unless  you  do  the  rest,  my  dear.  May 
be  you'll  see  a  pair  of  new  ear-rings  on  a  certain  young  lady, 

and but  what  am  I  about  ?  I  must  stop,"  said  Wilson, 

as  if  inadvertently  exposing  what  Badger  had  studiously  kept 
a  secret  from  her.  This  was  too  much.  She  stood  dumb- 
founded—  the  "fit"  was  on. 


260  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  Well  now  !  How  many  hasn't  he  got  in  tow  ?  He's  an 
old  villain,  and  I  always  knew  it.  I've  turned  him  out  o'  doors 
half  a  dozen  times,  but  you  always  sided  with  him  against  me, 
and  let  him  come  back  again.  /  never  consented  to  it.  Ho 
shan't  stay  here  another  day.  I  won't  give  up  this  time,  any 
way"  and  she  raved  and  tore  like  one  with  hydrophobia. 

"  But  why  do  you  berate  Mr.  Badger  ?  Isn't  he  a  nice  man  ? 
Very  kind-hearted  to  the  ladies  ?  He  gives  them  dresses, 
watches,  ear-rings  and  every  thing." 

"  Berate  him  !  —  nice  man !  —  very  kind-hearted !  —  dresses ! 
—  watches  !  —  ear-rings !  Yes !  and  every  thing,  nobody  knows 
what  —  the  old  scoundrel — and  you  ain't  much  better  if 
you're  going  to  take  his  part  again.  He  shan't  stay  here  — 
that's  settled.  If  he  don't  take  his  traps  out  of  that  room  to- 
morrow morning,  I'll  pitch  'em  out  of  the  window,  with  my 
own  hands,  and  him  after  it,  if  he  won't  go  without.  He  ought 
to  have  his  neck  broke  —  who  did  he  give  'em  to?  I  want 
to  know  that,  and  you  shall  tell  me,  or  I'll  haunt  you  as  long 
as  you  live." 

"  I  haven't  said  he  gave  them  to  anybody — have  I?" 

"  You  needn't  try  to  fool  me  now.  You've  done  it  long 
enough.  You  can't  make  me  believe  any  thing  good  of  him." 

"I  always  thought  well  of  Mr.  Badger,  or  I  shouldn't  have 
let.  you  go  off  with  him  to  the  convention,  and  other  places," 
said  Wilson,  pleasantly. 

"  Shouldn't  let  me  gone  off  with  him.  I  should  like  to  see 
you  or  any  other  man  stop  me,  if  I  wanted  to  go.  You  mean 
to  twit  me  of  running  around  with  him,  do  you  ?  I'll  go  again 
if  I've  a  mind  to,  and  will,  if  you  fling  it  in  my  face  any  more." 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    261 

"I  hardly  think  he'll  permit  you,  if  you  turn  him  out  of 
doors,  as  you  threaten  to  do." 

"  He  can't  help  himself,  if  I  set  out.  One  thing  I'm  de- 
termined on,  and  all  creation  can't  stop  me.  I'll  throw  his 
trumpery  into  the  street,  before  another  sun  goes  down.  This 
is  the  last  night  he  ever  sleeps  in  this  house.  And  if  you 
don't  take  care,  I'll  put  you  out  with  him,  now  you  under- 
stand it." 

"  Well  wife,  I  guess  we  better  take  a  good  night's  rest. 
Perhaps  you  will  feel  better  in  the  morning  and  not  have  quite 
so  poor  an  opinion  of  our  friend,  Mr.  Badger." 

"  Don't  call  him  my  friend.  He  may  be  your  friend  and 
your  ladies'  friend  with  the  satin  dress,  and  gold  watch,  and 
new  ear-rings,  and  all  so  sly  and  secret  from  me  —  I  shan't 
forget  this  in  one  night,  you  needn't  think." 

Wilson  ere  long  fell  asleep,  and  anon  his  wife  followed  him, 
in,  at  least,  the  temporary  forgetfulness  of  her  troubles. 

Our  landlord  opened  his  eyes  with  the  dawn,  feeling  a  little 
anxious  to  know  whether  his  spouse  had  lost  her  desperation. 
He  preferred  to  let  the  fever  rage  of  its  own  accord,  yet  he  was 
ready  to  excite  it,  if  necessary,  which  could  easily  be  done  by 
the  simple  mention  of  either  satin,  watch,  or  ear-rings. 

She  awoke.  A  glance  satisfied  him  that  all  was  right.  She 
had  not  come  out  of  the  "fit." 

Breakfast  over,  Badger  took  his  usual  morning  walk.     Mrs. 

W did  not  happen  to  observe  his  departure.     Reparing  to 

his  room,  in  advance  of  the  chamber-maid,  she  found  it  in 
what  appeared  to  her,  the  most  shameful  confusion,  which  cir- 
cumstance seemed  to  increase  the  "  state  of  her  mind." 


262  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  What  an  awful-looking  place,"  said  she  to  herself.  "  I'll 
see  if  I  can't  have  somebody  here  that  won't  keep  it  looking 
like  bedlam.  I'll  clear  it  mighty  quick,"  and  suiting  the  ac- 
tion to  the  word,  up  went  the  windows,  out  flew  the  chairs, 
table,  wash-stand,  looking-glass,  and  all  the  paraphernalia  of 
Amaziah's  quarters,  in  rapid  succession,  until  she  came  to  the 
bed.  This  unfortunately  stuck  fast  in  the  window.  In  vain 
she  applied  all  her  strength  to  eject  it,  when  in  the  height  of 
desperation,  retiring  to  the  back  part  of  the  room  and  running 
with  all  her  might  headforemost  against  the  hitherto  unyielding 
mass,  for  once,  as  fate  would  have  it,  action  and  re-action  were 
not  equal.  The  bed  went  out  and so  did  Mrs.  Wilson  ! 

It  is  needless  to  add,  that  in  that  single  catastrophe  our 
landlord  lost  a  wife  —  the  cause  of  "  woman's  rights,"  a  most 
zealous  champion,  while  another  talk-tipper  was  born  into  the 
Spheres  and  some  new  Medium  gained  a  guardian  spirit. 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

"  The  spinsters  in  a  desperate  manner, 
Daring  th'  event  to  Ur  teeth,  are  all  in  uproar," 

"  Eiisier  were  it 

To  hurl  the  rooted  mountain  from  its  base, 
Than  force  the  yoke  of  slavery  on  women 
Determined  to  bo  free." 

"\TEWS  of  the  high-handed  outrage  perpetrated  at  the  capi- 
JLM  tol,  spread  with  the  rapidity  of  lightning  over  the  coun- 
try, wherever  the  telegraphic  wires  could  conduct  it.  The 
public  prints  —  a  few  excepted  —  were  loud  with  patriotic  elo- 
quence in  protestation  against  such  daring  innovations,  and 
mobocratic,  treasonable  movements.  Yet,  generally,  was  there 
discoverable  in  their  ostensible  gravity,  a  lurking  irony,  leading 
one  to  doubt  how  far  those  organs  really  uttered  the  sentiments 
of  the  male  public. 

Some,  however,  raised  the  alarm-cry  of  revolution,  in  good 
earnest,  calling  upon  the  people  to  awake  to  a  sense  of  danger, 
to  raise  up  the  fallen  State,  restore  order,  law,  government, 
and  guard  with  sleepless  eye  and  strong  arm,  their  sacred  and 
inalienable  rights.  Others,  less  conservative,  scouted  the  idea 
of  serious  danger,  or  actual  revolution,  and  laughed  with  deri- 
sion, if  not  with  scorn,  at  all  attempts  to  carry  out  this  hair- 

(263) 


264  LUCY    BOSTON. 

brained  scheme  of  the  feminine  politicians.     What  the  grounds 
either  for  serious  apprehension  on  the  one  hand,  or  for  merry- 
making on  the  other,  the  seqnel  will  disclose. 
Leaving  the  Alarmists,  haunted 

"With  wild  fantastic  shapes  of  hideous  ruin," 

to  blow  the  tocsin  of  civil  war,  and  the  Humorists  to  indulge 
in  exuberance  of  merriment,  let  us  trace  the  operations  of  the 
Revolutionists,  alias,  the  Reformers. 

Returned  from  their  invasion  of  the  Legislature,  resolving 
to  seize  time  by  the  "  forward  top/'  and  not  be  caught  "  nap- 
ping," they  hastened  to  construct  the  requisite  machinery,  and 
entered  upon  the  electioneering  campaign,  for  the  forthcoming 
crisis  at  the  ballot  box. 

State,  county,  town,  and  neighborhood  corresponding  com- 
mittees were  organized,  a  political  sinking  fund  instituted,  a  se- 
cret police  ordained,  and  a  campaign  paper,  styled  The  Broom, 
established  at  the  capital,  the  first  issue  of  which  contained  the 
following  prospectus : 

The   Broom, 

A  weekly  sheet,  will  be  spread  before  the  public,  under  the  aus- 
pices of  the  "  State  Feminine  Committee,"  and  devoted  to  the 
cause  of  Woman's  Rights  in  general,  and  the  election  of  a  fe- 
male state  ticket  in  particular. 

Motto  :    On  the  carpet  for  a  clean  sweep. 

We  issue  but  a  brief,  though  significant  prospectus,  in 
simply  stating  our  object,  and  drawing  the  line  of  our  policy. 
Our  aim  is  revolution  in  Church,  State  and  Kitchen,  the  over- 
throw of  wan-power  and  the  enthronement  of  woman-power. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    265 

Our  policy  is  boldly  to  take  the  field  and  win  the  day,  peace- 
fully if  we  can,  forcibly  if  we  must.  The  dust  and  mire  of 
political  slovenliness,  accumulating  for  ages,  covers  and  disgraces 
the  social  fabric.  To  us  it  belongs  to  sweep  the  boards,  set 
things  "  to  rights,"  and  keep  them  in  a  condition  of  decency 
and  order.  The  body  politic  is  a  mass  of  corruption,  alive 
with  loathsome  vermin.  It  is  ours  to  renovate  it,  to  strip  off 
its  filthy  rags  and  invest  it  with  purple  and  fine  linen,  making 
it  the  model  of  taste  and  comfort,  no  more  to  be  the  polluted 
carcass  it  is  and  has  been,  but  pollution  purified  and  trans- 
formed to  the  comeliness  of  queenly  grace  and  beauty,  adored 
and  worshiped  by  the  princes  of  the  earth.  Then 

Ye  women  of  the  Empire  £tate, 
If  ye  would  'scape  a  wretched  fate, 

Rally  to  the  standard,  rally ! 
Waste  not  your  time  in  idle  sleep, 
But  up,  and  seize  the  "  Broom  "  and  sweep: 

Rally  to  the  standard,  rally ! 

Of  man-power-rubbish,  brush  the  last 
Into  the  great  dust- pan  —  the  past : 

Rally  to  the  standard,  rally ! 
So  bid  our  tyrants  read  their  doom 
In  this —  "clean  sweeps  the  bran  new  Broom  :" 

Rally  to  the  standard,  rally ! 

The  "  Broom  "  made  a  sweeping  sensation.  Subscriptions 
poured  in  by  tens  of  thousands.  Mail-bags  groaned  with  the 
weight  of  their  contents.  Everywhere,  early  and  late,  might 
be  seen  matrons  and  maidens  with  "  Broom  "  in  hand,  indus- 
triously at  work  from  garret  to  cellar  of  the  great  mansion  of 
23 


266  LUCY    BOSTON. 

state,  wherever  man  could  make  a  track,  a  spider  weave  its 
web,  or  fly  plant  its  foot. 

Tetrabune,  Screamer,  Seasons,  Diary,  Index  —  in  short,  all 
the  political  organs,  like  musty  cobwebs,  were  brushed  away 
by  multitudes. 

The  campaign,  opened  by  a  bold  stroke,  was  pushed  with 
desperation,  alike  by  force  and  stratagem ;  the  more  belligerent 
spirits  leading  the  onslaxight,  and  Sampson-like,  with  their  jaw 
lones,  smiting,  "  hip  and  thigh,"  all  before  them.  Others,  por 
litical  Delilahs,  clipped  the  strength  of  veteran  heroes,  put  out 
their  eyes,  and  led  them  slaves  with  their  apron  strings. 

The  whirlwind  was  in  motion  and  gathering  strength.  The 
wave  of  popular  excitement,  lifted  from  the  depths  of  passion, 
accumulated.  Strange  to  say,  by  the  major  portion  of  the 
male  democracy,  the  one  was  regarded  as  a  mere  whiff  of  air ; 
the  other  but  a  bubble  on  the  surface  of  the  waters ;  a  prank 
of  nature,  alike  harmless  and  momentary. 

Nevertheless,  gravely  affecting  themselves  in  extremities,  the 
sons  of  the  Empire  State  called  a  counter  convention,  ostensi- 
bly to  countervail  the  revolution,  but  in  reality  as  a  caricature 
of  the  Albany  affair.  Inasmuch  as  the  "strong-minded"  had 
convened  at  the  capital  on  the  east,  consonantly  with  the 
memorable  vote,  sending  the  men  to  the  "  opposite  side  of  the 
house,"  Buffalo  was  indicated  as  the  place  of  meeting.  Al- 
bany and  Buffalo  in  political  and  geographical  antithesis ;  the 
"Dan  and  Beersheba"  of  this  goodly  State  of  promise,  and 
typical  of  the  extreme  antagonisms  of  sexual  humanity. 

Handbills  were  scattered  like  autumnal  leaves,  conjuring  all 
free-mew  to  join  the  rally  and  snatch  government,  and  conse- 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    267 

quently  society  and  the  existence  of  the  race,  from  the  jaws  of 
destruction. 

The  day  arrived.  Clear  rose  the  sun,  yet  clouds  lurked 
upon  the  horizon,  massive  and  threatening.  Anon  the  King 
of  Day  turned  "  doughface,"  and  withdrew  his  influence. 
Dark  forms  drove  across  the  sky,  like  messengers  in  hot  haste, 
discharging  random  drops,  bullet-like,  with  ill-boding  violence. 
Lake  Erie  looked  gruff.  Even  the  canal  grew  turbulent,  while 
Niagara,  emptying  all  its  terrific  thunder  caverns,  became  au- 
dible to  an  incredible  distance.  Not  only  at  the  capital,  but 
in  far  distant  Gotham,  the  inhabitants,  dismayed,  felt  the 
ground  rock  beneath  their  feet,  and  heard  the  portentous  roar. 
Whisperings  filled  the  air  above,  and  ponderous  rappings  from 
below  well  nigh  broke  through  the  rib-crusted  earth  ! 

Amid  these  unpropitious  omens  the  free-men  of  the  State, 
nothing  daunted,  poured  into  Buffalo  by  mammoth  trains,  the 
more  numerous  doubtless  from  the  fact  that  the  Directors  of 
the  various  railways  had,  with  patriotic  magnanimity,  granted 
free  tickets  to  the  whole  state,  an  unheard  of  phenomenon  in 
the  age  of  monopoly  ! 

Were  our  pen  graphic  enough  and  in  the  mood,  we  would 
draw  in  detail  a  dioramic  view  of  that  uniquest  of  all  gather- 
ings. A  "  charcoal  sketch,"  in  rough  outline,  must  suffice. 
Imagine,  then,  ourselves  standing  on  Main  Street.  Now, 
while  the  crank  turns,  watch  the  "  order  of  the  day"  as  it 
passes  —  here  it  comes  ! 

Commander  in  chief,  GENERAL  WINFIELD  SCOTT,  not  the 
giant  veteran  of  Mexico  and  Lundy's  Lane,  but  General  Winfield 


268  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Scott,*  the  Hercules  of  Lilliput,  towering  fifteen  inches  high  ! 
supported  by  his  staff,  consisting  of  the  various  official  digni- 
taries of  state,  and  among  them  all  the  surviving  ex-Governors. 

UNIVERSAL  CALLITHUMPIAN  BAND,  a  consort  of  all  im- 
plements sonorous,  ever  constructed  from  the  days  of  Jubal 
Cain  and  Pan  the  Piper,  downwards. 

President :  —  Gable  Angel,  of  world-wide  renown. 

Vice-Presidents  :  —  Several  braces  of  naturalized  Aztec  dig- 
nitaries. 

Orators:  —  General  Tom  Thumb,  now  a  dignified  gentleman 
of  forty,  and  others,  names  not  chronicled. 

Military:  —  BACHELOR  BLUES;  bristling  cap-a-pie,  with 
needles,  thimbles,  scissors,  bodkins,  knitting  needles, 

And  laden  with  enormous  packs 

Of  thread  and  yarn  upon  their  backs. 

OLD  GUARD,  eyed,  armed  and  equipped  with  spectacles, 
crutches,  pipes  and  snuff-boxes. 

FANTASTIC  FUSILEERS,  cast  in  every  possible  mould  of  size 
and  form,  clad  in  all  colors  and  the  extremes  of  every  con- 
ceivable fashion. 

"  See,  see  them  in  their  motley  hues ; 
Funeral  black  and  brimstone  blues, 
And  lurid  green,  and  bonfire  red, 
At  once  their  varied  radiance  shed ; 
And  skin  deep  gold,  and  would-be  pearls, 
And  heaps  on  heaps  of  corkscrew  curls," 
With  patches,  party-color  dyed 
Like  Jacob's  herds,  ring-streak'd  and  pied. 

*  A  celebrated  pigmy  dwarf,  on  exhibition  through  the  country 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.     209 

HEAVY  ARTILLERY,  manning  an  immense  field-piece — or 
more  properly,  ^owse-piece  —  consisting  of  a  stove-pipe,  of  fright- 
ful caliber  and  paixhan  pattern,  dragged  by  "old  Crumple 
Horn,"  followed  by  ammunition  train  of  combustibles. 

DRAG-GOWNS  (dragoons),  wearing  capacious  coats,  with  a 
solitary  button  under  the  chin,  flowing  sleeves,  a  dorsal  protu- 
berance and  skirts,  elongated  into  trails  sweeping  several  yards 
in  the  rear. 

LIGHT-FOOTED,  LIGHT-HORSE,  mounted  on  broomsticks, 
mop-sticks,  pudding-sticks,  fiddle-sticks,  and  every  other  kind 
of  stick  available  and  ridable. 

CULINARY  CAVALIERS,  laden  with  the  paraphernalia  of 
kitchen  and  larder. 

EPICUREAN  CONNOISSEURS,  panoplied  to  the  teeth,  and  bear- 
ing each 

"  A  paunch  of  mighty  bulk  before, 
Which  still  they  have  a  special  care 
To  keep  well  cramm'd  with  thrifty  fare." 
And  oft  as  smiling  plenty  meets  their  way 
Once,  twice,  or  e'en  three  times  a  day. 
"  Dire  is  the  clang  of  plates,  of  knife  and  fork 
That  merciless  fall,  like  tomahawks,  to  work." 
At  signal,  demi-johns  and  hogsheads  bleed, 
While  boundless  stomachs,  frightful  famine  breed. 

THE  FORLORN  HOPE  —  an  embodiment 

Of  lean,  gaunt  abstinence  and  haggard  care, 
Of  ragged  mis'ry  and  forlorn  despair. 

Know-Nothings;  a  gallant  few  and  the  remnant  of  many  a 
hard-fought  field,  brought  up  the  rear  of  this  martial  array. 
23* 


270  LUCY    BOSTON. 

General  Thumb  mounting  the  rostrum  amid  the  "  hollow 
square,"  and  elevated  on  a  paper  pedestal  to  augment  his  per- 
spicuity, with  voice  keyed  to  the  strongest  pitch  of  patriotism, 
and  modulating  between  the  deepest  barytone  and  most  slender 
falsetto,  with  thrilling  effect,  delivered  himself  thus : — 

"  Most  puissant  fellow-citizens  and  soldiers  of  the  Empire 
State  :  —  Hem  I" [Here  our  noble  orator  became  discon- 
certed with  real  or  affected  confusion,  as 

"He  scratch'd  his  ear,  the  infallible  resource 
To  which  embarrass'd  speakers  have  recourse." 

But  quickly  rallying, 

"Now  with  a  giant's  might. 

He  heaves  the  ponderous  thought, 
Now  pours  the  storm  of  eloquence, 
With  scathing  lightning  fraught."] 

"  I  feel  amply  proud  of  my  position  !  Man,  the  Lord  of  crea- 
tion, is  great !  We  live  in  a  great  age  !  'Ours  is  a  great  state  ! 
This  is  a  great  gathering  of  great  men  on  a  great  occasion  !  But 
for  the  lateness  of  the  hour  and  the  pressure  of  events,  it  would 
furnish  me  the  highest  satisfaction  to  review  the  brave  troops 
under  my  inspection,  whose  make  and  port  proclaim  them  ade- 
quate to  any  emergency,  and  whose  conquering  columns  I  am 
ready  to  lead  on  to  victory  and  to  glory !  Dark  clouds  are 
hovering  !  Mars  has  harnessed  his  battle  steeds  !  already  we 
hear  the  rumbling  of  his  Juggernaut  car  !  our  tnes  trend  on  the 
heels  of  portentous  events!  '  Woman's  Rights  and  the  Spheres' 
is  the  war  cry  of  the  rebels!  Man's  wrongs  be  our  watch-, 
word,  and  '  Young  America'  our  battle  shout!  Yes,  fellow- 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    271 

citizens  and  soldiers  !  Young  America  !  the  projector  of  this 
demonstration  !  the  Hercules  of  this  nineteenth  century  !  whose 
mighty  mawl  shall  pummel  the  pate  of  the  great  Red  Dragon 
of  lawless  innovation  and  revolution  !  Here  I  stand  !  This 
broad  rostrum  shall  fly  from  its  firm  base  as  soon  as  I !  Atten- 
tion the  whole  !  Shoulder  arms ! 

"  '  Now  set  your  teeth  and  stretch  your  nostrils  wide, 
Stiffen  your  sinews,  summon  up  your  blood  — 
Hold  hard  your  breath  and  bend  up  all  your  spirits 
To  their  full  height!' 

"  Follow  your  noble  chief !  On,  on,  ye  braves  —  to  the  com- 
missary for  your  rations  ! !  " 

Frantic  with  enthusiasm  and  voracious  with  fasting,  forward 
dashed  the  irresistible  squadrons,  and  stormed  the  commissariat, 
sweeping  all  before  them !  Terrible  was  the  shock !  frightful 
the  carnage  !  Whole  shoals  of  herring  and  platoons  of  sausages; 
entire  ranks  of  gingerbread  and  legions  of  pea-nuts,  went  down 
engulphed  at  each  successive  charge !  Jugs,  demi-johns, 
puncheons,  in  uncounted  numbers,  gurgled  their  last  in  the 
overwhelming  onslaught ! 

It  was  indeed  a  sublime  spectacle  to  see  those  vanquishing 
hosts,  like  a  whirlwind  sweeping  on  in  front  and  flank  with 
weapons  drawn,  teeth  set  and  courage  whet  to  desperation  by 
mutinous  appetite. 

Irresistible  was  the  shock  !  Culinary  implements,  the  tro- 
phies of  victory,  dangled  over  empty  provision  wajggons,  while 
above,  the  "  stars  and  stripes,"  with  the  cornucopia  and  goddess 
of  plenty  surmounted  by  "  Excelsior"  floated  in  lofty  triumph  ! 


272  LUCY  BOSTON. 

Flushed  with  gluttonous  excess  of  victory,  the  vanquishers 
would  have  pushed  forward  the  conquest  of  "  victuals  and  drink" 
into  the  recesses  of  night;  but  unfortunately  the  elements,  sud- 
denly forming  a  league  for  intervention,  opened  wide  their  hy- 
drants and  air-pipes,  pouring  down  with  serious  violence,  such 
torrents  of  cold  water,  that  the  conquerors,  with  the  heat  of 
their  courage  cooled,  and  more  like  vanquished  than  victors, 
dripping,  and  drooping,  retreated  to  their  home  quarters. 

Thus  opened  and  thus  ended  the  grand  rw/t-demonstration 
of  Young  America,  at  Buffalo. 

The  government  press  teemed  with  high-wrought  descriptions 
of  the  "Man's  ivrongs  convention,"  magnifying  its  importance, 
and  lauding  it  as  incontestably  the  effectual  extinguisher  of  hot- 
headed bloomer  radicalism.  The  country  was  safe  ! 

But  the  "  strong-minded "  were  not  so  easily  intimidated, 
disheartened  nor  thwarted.  The  quality  of  woman  had  not 
changed  since  the  poet  so  truthfully  and  forcibly  sung  — 

"If  she  will,  she  will,  you  may  depend  on't; 

If  she  won't,  she  won't,  and  there's  the  end  on't." 

. 

The  "  Broom  "  was  plied  with  redoubled  vigor.  The  political 
sisterhood  were  on  the  alert.  Wo  to  the  Mr.  Caudles  when 
the  curtains  were  drawn,  who  proved  refractory  in  politics. 
Farewell  to  the  amorous  hopes  of  youthful  swains,  unless 
promising  allegiance  to  the  cause  of  u  woman's  rights."  Many 
a  poor  Philander  suddenly  found  himself  "  mittened,"  and  sent 
home  in  "  single  blessedness,"  to  "  chew  the  cud  "  of  repentance, 
till  submissive  and  gentle  as  a  lamb,  he  was  led  to  the  rick  of 
party  alliance. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    273 

This  was  a  new  species  of  tactics  in  political  warfare  with 
which  the  most  veteran  demagogues  were  unable  to  cope ;  the 
abductive  eystem  by  which  the  sentinels  of  the  enemy  were 
picked  up,  and  even  the  "  rank  and  file  "  marched  off,  publicly 
or  transported  on  the  "under  ground"  railway  by  thousands, 
to  swell  the  forces  and  fight  the  battles  of  the  revolutionists. 
Government  journals  — the  heavy  ordinance  of  political  strife — 
captured  one  by  one,  by  the  rebels,  were  spiked  or  wheeled  into 
line,  and  made  to  pour  their  "  grape  and  canister,"  into  the 
faces  of  the  whiskered  and  mustached  foe. 

Resistance  was  futile.  The  avalanche  was  in  motion.  No 
earthly  power  could  stay  its  progress  or  avert  its  violence.  No 
alternative  remained  but  timely  to  flee  or  be  crushed  beneath 
the  mountain  mass. 

The  campaign  approached  its  crisis.  The  ides  of  November 
arrived.  Liberty  blew  her  trumpet  upon  the  blast,  and  roused 
the  dormant  energies  of  her  sons,  who  mustering  all  their  availa- 
ble forces,  rallied  to  the  ballot-box.  But  they  were  anticipated. 
The  daughters  of  Freedom  had  risen  first  and  taken  possession 
of  the  polls.  Matrons  of  commanding  influence,  and  maidens 
the  most  fascinating,  were  appointed  runners  and  ticket  pedlers, 
pitted  against  the  partisans  and  bullies,  old  and  young,  of  the 
administration.  Every  poor  wight  of  a  voter,  who  appeared 
to  be  in  market,  as  he  approached,  was  the  signal  for  a  rush, 
and  the  center  of  contest,  frequently  hot  and  sometimes  on  the 
point  of  coming  to  blows,  but,  ordinarily,  the  heroines  came 
out  of  the  squabble,  superiors,  and  drew  their  prize  into  port. 

The  government  leader^,  worsted  in  the  game  of  "fair  play," 
resolved  on  playing  "foul,"  and,  stimulating  their  followers 


274  LUCY    BOSTON. 

with  inflammatory  harangues  and  whiskey,  attempted  to  re- 
trieve the  day  by  mob  violence. 

But  the  sisterhood  had  coine  prepared.  The  Liberty  Guard, 
Lucy  Boston  club,  Know-Somethings  and  Short  Gals,  were 
there.  Captain  Grinders,  with  his  "  Short  Boys,"  found  them- 
selves out-plotted,  over-matched  and  superseded. 

Most  disgraceful  the  scene  of  violence  that  ensued,  as  amid 
confusion  and  clamor  —  the  Babel  of  voices,  discharge  of  mis- 
siles, clash  of  arms,  exchange  of  resounding  blows  and  bear- 
like  hugs,  with  a  profusion  of  black  and  blue  eyes,  of  bald 
heads  and  broken  hearts  —  the  day  was  carried  by  storm. 

Bloomerism  came  out  of  the  melee  triumphant,  in  the  suc- 
cess of  a  majority  of  the  female  ticket,  LUCY  BOSTON  being 
Governor  elect. 

Everywhere  went  up  the  shout  of  victory.  The  attestations 
of  joy  how  boundless !  Throughout  the  state  —  cannon  !  bells  ! 
bonfires  !  illuminations  !  From  the  Spheres  —  jubilant  "  mani- 
festations" and  congratulatory  communications! ! 


• 


CHAPTER    XXII. 


"  Each  petty  hand 

Can  steer  a  ship  becalm'd ;  but  who  that  •will 
Govern  and  carry  her  to  her  ends,  must  know 
The  tides,  the  currents,  how  to  shift  the  sail; 
What  she  will  bear  in  foul,  what  in  fair  weather; 
Where  her  springs  are,  her  leaks,  and  how  to  stop  them ; 
What  strands,  what  shelves,  what  rocks  do  threaten  her; 
The  forces,  and  the  nature  of  all  winds, 
Gusts,  storms,  and  tempests :  when  her  keel  ploughs  hell, 
And  deck  knocks  heaven,  then  to  manage  her, 
Becomes  the  name  and  office  of  a  pilot." 

AS  it  is  of  no  importance  to  the  reader,  farther  than  to  grat- 
ify his  or  her  curiosity,  we  must  decline  being  catechised 
in  relation  to  the  way  and  means  of  our  obtaining  so  clear  and 
definite  a  vision  into  the  vista  of  the  future.  The  fact  that  we 
have  obtained  it,  should  fully  satisfy  every  reasonable,  person, 
especially  as  we  are  so  ready  to  give  the  world  the  benefit  of 
what,  were  it  not  for  us,  the  race  must  inevitably  have  slum- 
bered on  in  darkness  and  unbelief. 

Be  it  remembered,  that  by  the  power  of  clairvoyance,  or  a 
sort  of  horoscope,  or  some  other  method,  no  matter  how,  the 
shadow  has  advanced  some  twenty  odd  years  on  the  dial 
of  Time,  to  the  period  of  which  we  are  now  writing. 

(275) 


276  LUCY    BOSTON. 

It  is  eighteen  hundred  seventy-five.  A  century  has  passed 
away  since  the  immortal  Declaration  of  Independence  that  pro- 
claimed a  nation's  birth,  when  our  revolutionary  ancestors  cast 
off  the  yoke  of  a  foreign  tyrant,  and  at  length  it  has  come  to 
light,  that  the  fair  daughters  of  America  are  enslaved  by 
another,  more  iron-handed  and  oppressive.  That  tyrant  is 
man.  His  days  of  rule  and  ruin,  however,  are  at  last  num- 
bered with  the  things  that  were.  Who  can  tell  what  a  century 
may  bring  forth  ? 

Woman  is  in  power  !  She  is  responsible  for  its  use  or  abuse. 
New  laws  are  to  be  formed.  The  old  framework  of  society  is 
to  be  taken  down  and  remodeled  into  a  new  and  different  struc- 
ture. A  new  era  has  commenced,  alike  in  the  order  of  nature 
and  the  course  of  human  events. 

Miss  Boston,  as  officially  announced  in  the  "Broom"  is 
Governor,  and  Mrs.  Rosalina  Rule-the-roost,  Lieutenant  Gov- 
ernor, of  the  State  of  New  York.  The  Legislature  is  to  as- 
semble as  the  exigencies  of  the  times  shall  require,  or  the  Ex- 
ecutive dictate.  Other  historians  must  share  the  honor  of  pre- 
serving from  oblivion  many  of  the  illustrious  names  and  deeds 
connected  with  this  epochal  event,  in  the  progression  of  the 
great  drama  of  human  existence. 

At  the  call  of  Miss  Governor,  the  Legislature  speedily  con- 
venes. That  majestic,  awe-inspiring  body  is  composed  of 
the  flower  of  the  State,  with  a  decided  majority  of  females  in 
both  Houses.  We  give  a  few  extracts  from  the  message  : 

"  Ladies  and  men  of  the  Senate  and  Assembly : 

<l  The  year  past  has  been  the  most  eventful  in  human  history. 
It  marks  a  new  epoch,  the  dominant  period  in  the  world's  reg- 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXin    CENTURY.    277 

ister.  LIBERTY,  exiled  from  the  time  that  Adam  grasped  the 
scepter,  returned  in  triumph  to  her  Temple  on  the  fourth  of 
July  last  —  that  day  of  days,  henceforward  to  constitute  the 
initial  of  the  civil  and  legal  year,  the  Roman  or  Julian  calendar, 
old  and  new  styles,  giving  place  to  the  Bloomer  —  LATEST  style* 

"  We  have  been  free  from  foreign  and  intestine  wars,  save  a 
slight  brush  in  the  capitol,  and  which  resulted  most  felicitously. 
.  "Neither  pestilence  nor  famine  has  wasted  our  people. 
Health  blooms  in  all  our  borders.  Temperance,  enterprise, 
and  prosperity  smile  on  every  hand. 

"  Despotism  and  misrule  have  fled  the  commonwealth,  and 
we  are  now  in  the 

"Land  of  the  free,  and  home  of  the  brave." 

"Inertia,  is  the  law  of  the  past  —  Progress,  that  of  the  fu- 
ture. We  shall  not,  therefore,  in  imitation  of  the  Dark  Ages, 
publish  an  annual  messnge,  laying  the  foundation  for  a  whole 
year's  legislation  action  in  advance,  only  to  become  super-an- 
nuated  and  obsolete,  but  adapt  ourselves  to  our  wants  and  rights 
as  they  arise. 

"  It  has  been  the  folly  of  law-makers  to  anticipate.  Legisla- 
tion should  be,  for  the  present,  to  meet  current  necessities;  I 
trust  wisdom  will  guide  your  steps,  and  harmony  pervade  your 
counsels. 

*  Any  sentiment  expressed  or  action  performed  by  our  heroine,  indicative  ofmen. 
tel  aberration  or  weakness,  at  variance  with  her  general  character,  we  repeat  should 
not  expose  tbe  author  to  the  charge  of  incongruity,  or  want  of  veracity,  but  serve  as 
additional  proof,  that  tbe  greatest  minds  have  their  weak  points,  the  truth  of  which 
Lucy  Boston  unfortunately  furnishes  but  one  among  innumerable  examples,  in  both 
public  and  private  life. 

24 


278  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"I  shall  be  sparing  in  the  exercise  of  the  veto  power,  though 
it  will  behoove  me  to  prevent  the  passage  of  or  withhold  my  sanc- 
tion from  any  enactment,  which  is  not  based  upon  the  eternal 
and  spiritual  principles  of  '  woman's  rights.' 

"  I  have  a  few  specific  recommendations  to  make,  which  I 
trust  will  commend  themselves  to  your  understanding,  and 
command  your  deliberate  and  timely  action  : 

."  First  of  all,  I  recommend  the  passage  of  law  declaring  and 
enacting  in  substance,  that  woman  always  was,  now  is,  and 
ever  shall  be  the  superior  being  of  earth — the  queen  of 
creation  —  in  other  words,  the  head  of  the  man.  Consequently, 
that  she  now  is,  and  from  henceforth  shall  be  '  free  and  inde- 
pendent/ and  hence  that  man  is  now  and  shall  forever  remain 
subservient  to  his  queen.* 

"The  matrimonial  code  requires  a  radical  change. '  Were  it 
not  for  contravening  the  'higher  law,'  I  would  recommend  that 
marriage  be  entirely  abolished,  and  the  social  economy  left 
solely  to  the  disposal  of  my  own  sex. 

"I  am  by  no  means  ignorant  of  the  difficulties  and  delicacy 
surrounding  this  great  question,  still,  as  the  conservators  of 
the  common  weal,  it  is  incumbent  upon  you  to  give  it  such  at- 
tention as  shall  comport  with  your  wisdom  and  the  plain  neces- 
sities of  the  case.  I  cannot  forbear  the  utterance  of  my  pro- 
found conviction,  that  in  no  other  direction  is  there  a  louder 
call  for  reform. 

"  It  is  an  obvious  dictate  of  reason,  that  a  perfect  govern- 

*  Without  disparagement  to  the  political  sagacity  of  Governor  Boston,  it  must  be  ad- 
mitted that  iu  the  legislative  areliives  of  every  enlightened  nation,  are  embalmed  enact- 
ment* equally  as  sage  and  judicious  as  anything,  either  incorporated  in  or  flowing  from 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    279 

meat  consists  in  the  adoption  of  righteous  laws,  the  intelligence 
and  virtue  of  the  people,  especially  of  the  rulers,  and  protec- 
tion against  foreign  and  internal  wrong.  To  realize  this  glori- 
ous ideal  is  the  'aim  of  our  intent.' 

"  As  the  only  effective  means  in  arriving  at  the  '  consum- 
mation so  devoutly  to  be  wished,'  and  to  furnish  a  key  to  the 
solution  of  this  grandest  of  all  problems  in  political  science,  I 


"First — The  erection  and  perpetual  endowment  of  free 
schools,  normal  and  sub-normal,  exclusively  for  the  education 
of  the  female  population,  on  the  admitted  principle  that,  as 
the  women,  so  will  the  men  be. 

Second  —  The  establishment  of  a  Spiritual  University  for 
the  tuition  of  Mediums,  and  the  general  advancement  of  Spir- 
itualism, as  the  pioneer  and  handmaid  of  public  reform  in 
Church  and  State,  and  that  the  school  fund,  in  whole  or  in  part, 
be  appropriated  to  these  purposes. 

"  Third  —  The  organization  of  a  Spiritual  Police,  composed 
of  the  most  accomplished  clairvoyants,  as  an  effectual  guaranty 
of  public  and  personal  safety,  since  nothing  can  possibly  escape 
detection  under  the  scrutiny  of  their  surveillance. 

"  Thus  underlaid,  permeated  and  environed  by  the  elements 
of  perpetuity,  our  illustrious  regency  can  bid  defiance  to  time 
and  change. 

"  In  keeping  with  the  line  of  our  policy  thus  indicated,  let 
it  be  your  care  so  to  legislate,  as  not  to  disappoint  the  just  ex- 
pectations of  a  generous  constituency. 

her  message,  although,  taken  together,  it  stands  the  most  complete  model,  from  which 
all  future  executives  may  extract  volumes  of  wisdom. 


280  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  I  need  not  remind  you,  that  to  the  dominant  party,  it  be- 
longs at  once  to  seize  the  reins  and  rule  supreme. 

"  Be  it  remembered,  that  first  and  foremost,  the  claims  of 
my  sex  demand  your  attention.  Man  has  managed  the  affairs 
of  State  so  long,  and  woman  has  been  kept  back  so  far,  that 
her  wisdom  even  may  not  suffice  readily  to  unravel  the  tangled 
web,  and  remedy  the  continued  patch-work  of  by-gone 
centuries. 

"  Although  we  abjure  oppression,  the  history  of  the  past  will 
justify  us  in  holding  a  rigid  scepter,  sufficiently  stern,  at  least, 
to  teach  all  men  to  have  the  fear  of  woman  before  their  eyes. 

"  I  would  recommend  that  all  public  offices  be  declared  va- 
cant and  forever  inaccessible  to  male  occupants  after  the  first 
day  of  April  next. 

"  That  the  said  first  day  of  April  be  the  auspicious  period 
when  woman  shall  in  fact  come  into  full  possession  of  all  her 
*  rights ;'  that  the  men  be  restrained  by  law  from  disposing 
of  any  property  in  the  mean  time ;  that  the  women  be  forth- 
with declared  the  bona  fide  owners  of  all  personal  and  real 
estate,  granting  their  servants  the  privilege,  however,  of  hold- 
ing the  same  by  courtesy,  till  the  said  first  day  of  April.  This 
will  give  them  ample  time  for  reflection.  It  cannot  then  be 
said  that  we  suddenly  sprung  a  trap  upon  them,  or  acted  con- 
trary to  the  plain  dictates  of  humanity. 

"  On  and  after  that  date  let  woman  roll  the  ball. 
"  After  so  overwhelming  a  demonstration  of  popular  indigna- 
tion, the  Executive  does  not  doubt  that  the  people  will  cheer- 
fully acquiesce  in  any  legislation  we  may  choose  to  adopt. 
But  that  the  means  may  be  at  hand  to  enforce  obedience,  I 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    281 

recommend  the  speedy  passage  of  an  act,  declaring  it  highly 
penal  for  any  man  to  interfere  with  the  property  of  his.  mis- 
tress, unless  by  her  consent,  or  in  any  respect  to  neglect  or 
disobey  her  command. 

"  Much  has  been  said  heretofore  in  relation  to  laws  in  con- 
flict with  the  constitution. 

"  I  recommend  an  enacting  clause  to  the  effect,  that  if  any 
law  hereafter  be  passed  at  variance  with  the  constitution,  the 
latter  shall  be  deemed  as  thus  far  abolished. 

"  This  seems  to  me  wise  and  expedient,  well  calculated  to 
do  away  with  litigation,  in  harmony  with  the  spirit  of  the  age, 
and  consistent  with  the  genius  of  our  institutions ! 

"  To  the  feminine  portion  of  the  Legislature,  I  would  say,  it 
behooves  us  to  be  Argus-eyed  and  Briareus-handed,  that  our 
"  rights"  be  neither  trampled  upon  nor  frittered  away  by  the 
might  or  the  intrigue  of  the  masculine  minority.  Let  nothing 
impede  our  onward  march  to  greatness  and  glory.  You  will, 
I  trust,  have  sufficient  independence  to  suppress  all  unnecessary 
and  improper  debate,  by  argument  if  you  can,  by  sophistry  if 
you  must,  and  if  worst  comes  to  worst,  cast  in  apples  of  dis- 
cord, hang  on  all  the  clogs  your  vigilance  can  find  or  your  in- 
genuity invent,  and  block  up  the  wheels  of  government,  no 
matter  how  great  the  concussion,  or  disastrous  the  results. 

"  Kemember  that  the  object  of  discussion  is  to  enlighten  and 
convince,  and  when  your  will  is  set,  not  to  be  enlightened  or 
convinced,  you  are  spending  the  people's  time  and  money  in 
not  suppressing  at  once  the  debate.  Should  you  fail  of  your 
patriotic  purpose  by  falling  in  the  minority,  recollect  that  all 
men,  not  excepting  patriotic  honorable  legislators,  have  their 
24* 


282  LUCY    BO.STON. 

price  !  Adopt  the  privateering  policy.  Make  a  cast  of  the 
"  doughfaces."  Go  into  caucus.  Grant  letters  of  marque. 
Fix  the  consideration,  and  in  a  twinkling  the  vision  of  our 
opponents  will  be  cleared  of  obscurity.  In  the  noble  spirit  of 
compromise,  to  save  the  Union  from  threatened  dissolution  and 
preserve  the  rights  of  the  dear  people,  they  will  magnani- 
mously lay  all  a  willing  sacrifice  on  the  altar  of  patriotism,  and 
"  right  about  face,"  turning  their  batteries  upon  their  own  for- 
tifications   then the  day  is  won ;  we  are  victors ;  the 

spoils  are  ours!  Glorious  repetition  of  that  magic  coup  d'tat, 
by  which  this  Kepublic  has  so  often  been  rescued  from  impend- 
ing dissolution  and  destruction ! 

"Let  us  look  to  Him  whose  justice,  though  sometimes  slow, 
is  always  sure,  who 

'  Rides  on  the  whirlwind  and  directs  the  storm,' 

to  guide  our  ship  of  State  which  we  have  so  heroically  cap- 
tured. We  are  afloat  upon  the  tide  which,  '  taken  at  the 
flood/  will  lead  us  on  to  fortune.  Gales  blow  fresh.  Hold 
hard  the  helm  —  swell  the  canvass  —  mount  the  breakers  — 
leave  the  shore  —  launch  into  the  open  sea,  and  teach  our  sis- 
ter states  —  teach  the  sisterhood  of  nations  and  the  Spheres, 
this  universal  formula,  in  the  science  of  Woman's  Rights,  we 
CAN  if  we  WILL. 

"  The  considerations  thus  presented  are  commended  to  your 
earliest  regard,  as  founded  in  good  policy,  demanded  by  the 
exigencies  of  the  times,  and  wisely  adapted  to  hasten  our 
1  manifest  destiny.' " 

LUCY  BOSTON. 

Albany,  January  2,  1876. 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    283 

Senate  and  Assembly  jointly  hastened  into  "  Committee  of 
the  Whole/.'  upon  this  masterly  inaugural. 

A  production  so  radical  in  spirit,and  in  progressive  scope,  so 
distant  in  advance  of  the  age,  could  not  but  meet  with  varied 
reception  at  the  hands  of  a  body,  in  all  respects,  so  hetero- 
geneous. 

The  male  members  jeered  it.  Spinsters  gave  it  their  de- 
cided approval.  Unmarried  but  marriageable  damsels,  whose 

Ambition  'twas  to  conquer  hearts 
By  beauty,  flattery,  and  arts, 

repudiated  it  in  toto.  Mothers  blessed  with  promising  sons 
felt  desperate,  while  others  having  daughters  long  "  in  market 
without  takers,"  were  delighted.  Each  class  was  sufficiently 
numerous  to  make  a  formidable  demonstration. 

The  reform  members,  to  an  indefinite  number,  simultane- 
ously seized  the  floor,  clamorous  of  expressing  their  views  and 
defining  their  position.  Vain  were  the  endeavors  to  restore 
order,  nor  did  the  tumult  and  uproar  cease  till  the  warring 
elements  had  spent  their  force  and  subsided  into  quietness  by 
absolute  exhaustion. 

Meanwhile  the  anti-reform  party  —  that  is  to  say,  the  male 
members  —  calmly  surveyed  the  scene,  luxuriously  enjoying  the 
fun,  and  anticipating  a  sumptuous  feast  for  the  whole  session. 

It  was  past  the  ordinary  hour  for  dinner,  and  many  began 
to  feel  the  u  keen  demands  of  appetite,"  especially  honorable 
Mrs.  Livewell,  of  the  metropolis,  who  arose  amid  the  abating 
noise  and  confusion,  and  beckoning  the  attention  of  the  chair, 
vociferated, 


284  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Mrs.  Speaker — "It  is  a  well-settled  principle  in  the  science 
of  dietetics,  that  '  nature  abhors  a  vacuum/  It  is-  unconstitu- 
tional to  disregard  this  fundamental  law.  I  am  on  the  verge 
of  syncope.  I  claim  the  inalienable  right  of  dining.  I,  there- 
fore, call  for  the  speedy  passage  of  an  act  granting  any  mem- 
ber leave  of  absence  whenever,  and  as  long  as,  personal  comfort 
or  convenience  demands,  provided " 

Mr.  Graham.  — "  I  call  the  honorable  lady  to  order. " 

Mrs.  Live-well. — "  Please  your  official  ladyship,  may  I  ad- 
journ for  dinner  ?  In  your  person,  I  suppose,  reposes  the  dis- 
pensing power." 

The  quick  ears  of  the  disputants  catching  the  sound  of 
"  dinner/'  silence  prevailed,  as  the  Speaker  replied  — 

"  I  take  it,  that  I  have  the  control  of  this  honorable  bojily. 
Mr.  Goodman,  what  has  it  been  customary  to  consider  as  prac- 
ticable under  these  circumstances  ?  ". 

Mr.  Goodman. — "  I  must  acknowledge  my  inability  to  do 
justice  to  the  interrogatory  of  the  honorable  Speakeress.  True, 
I  have  had  the  honor  of  a  seat  in  this  House  for  several  sessions, 
under  masculine  rule,  but  I  suppose  we  are  at  this  moment,  in 
transit.u,  from  the  old  to  a  new  dispensation.  In  view  of  a 
similar  revolutionary  period,  some  political  sage,  M.  Doctor 
Tocqueville,  if  I  mistake  not,  has  somewhere  said  that  '  amid 
the  vast  perplexity  of  human  affairs,  none  can  say  how  much 
of  the  ancient  institutions  and  former  manners  will  remain,  or 
how  much  will  completely  disappear.5  In  the  language  of  the 
same  profound  statesman,  I  am  compelled  to  add,  that  '  as  the 
past  has  ceased  to  throw  its  light  upon  the  future,  my  mind 
wanders  in  obscurity.' " 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    285 

11  However,  as  I  am  now  up.  I  will,  with  the  permission  of 
the  committee,  offer  some  remarks  in  reply  to  the  distinguished 
memberess  from  the  Metropolitan  District. 

"  She  has  taken  occasion  to  introduce  a  Dinner  Bill,  a  thing 
wholly  foreign  to  the  subject  before  the  committee,  and  even 
were  it  in  order,  she  has  presented  it  in  a  state  of  absolute  nu- 
dity, that  is,  without  specifying  any  of  its  provisions " 

Mrs.  Live-well  (interrupting). — "  If  the  gentleman  wishes  to 
know  my  '  bill  of  fare/  I  can  inform  him  that  it  consists  of  the  t 
choicest   meats  and   vegetables,  pastry,   fruits,  confectionery, 
champagne  and  Irandy." 

Mr.  Goodman. — "  Truly  sumptuous.  The  '  Omnibus  Dinner 
Bill,'  Now,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  of  all  political  aphorisms,  there 
is  none  more  venerable  than  the  one  declaring  that '  self-preser- 
vation is  the  first  law  of  nature.'  Hence  the  honorable  lady's 
'  bill '  which  she  has  had  the  audacity  to  thrust  into  the  teeth, 
with  the  intention  of  cramming  down  the  throat  of  this  house, 
is  both  suicidal  and  unconstitutional,  for  who,  that  is  at  all 
versed  in  the  theory  of  digestion,  does  not  know  that  to  sur- 
feit an  empty  stomach  is  nothing  less  than  a  debauch  ?  It  is 
laying  an  unjust  tariff  upon  the  gastric  functions,  a  method  of 
taxation,  in  direct  violation  of  laws  as  old  as  humanity  itself. 

"  Such,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  is  this  '  Omnibus  Dinner  Bill,'  a 
most  voracious  bill,  conceived  in  rapacity,  and  brought  forth 
with  greediness,  calculated  to  induce  apoplexy  on  the  one 
hand,  and  breed  a  famine  in  the  State,  on  the  other,  to  exhaust 
the  public  treasury,  and  skeletonize  the  body  politic."  (Cries 
of  "order,  order,"  from  the  feminines  —  and  great  applause 
by  the  masculines.) 


286  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Speaker. — "  I  pronounce  Mrs.  Live-well  out  of  order,  and 
veto  her  bill  as  unconstitutional." 

Mrs.  Live-well. — "  I  say  I  am  not  out  of  order,  nor  is  my 
bill  unconstitutional.  I  am  in  as  good  condition  as  the  honor- 
able  gentleman  —  and  who  dares  rise  in  his  place  on  this  floor 
and  affirm  that  it  is  either  disorderly  or  unconstitutional  to  eat 
when,  what,  and  as  much  as  we  like,  till  nature,  who  is  her 
own  best  judge,  both  as  to  quality  and  quantity  shall  say, 
^enough.  And  I  dare  the  honorable  gentleman  to  deny  that  as 
public  servants,  we  have  a  right  to  eat  and  drink  and  sleep  too 
at  the  public  expense.  What,  let  me  ask,  has  been  the  career 
of  the  gentlemen  in  this  House  ?  Have  they  not  laid  at  the 
public  crib,  in  gluttonous  excess,  till  they  look  as  plump  and 
blossoming  as  beef  and  brandy  can  make  them  ?  As  if  the 
chief  object  of  legislative  bodies  had  been  to  consume  the 
public  stall,  and  lie  at  the  public  tap,  to  gormandize,  and 
smoke,  and  lounge,  telling  stories,  singing  songs  and  making 
merry,  while  ice,  forsooth,  must  be  gagged  and  left  to  die  of 
starvation.  I  tell  gentlemen  to  beware.  They  have  not  reck- 
oned with  their  hostess.  I  warn  them  to  count  the  cost  before 
they  undertake  to  rob  us  of  our  inalienable  rights,  rights 
which  my  sex  have  learned  we  possess,  and  which  we  know  how 
to  defend.  (Great  applause  from  the  right.) 

Mrs.  Lumbard. — "  Mrs  Speakeress,  I  do  not  rise  with  the 
wish  of  protracting  this  already  lengthy  discussion;  however, 
with  the  permission  of  the  committee,  I  will  make  a  single  re- 
mark. I  agree  with  the  honorable  member  from  0 ,  that 

the  body  politic  had  better  suffer  extreme  depletion  than  be 
crippled  with  the  gout,  or  expire  of  apoplexy." 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    287 

Miss  Pindleton. — "  I  rise  to  the  support  of  Mrs.  Live-well 
—  our  position  is  just;  and  to  a  woman,  I  venture  to  say,  our 
resolution  is  taken  to  maintain  it  at  all  hazards.  I  warn  gen- 
tlemen that  a  continuance  of  this  shameful  conduct  must  inevi- 
tably result  in  a  "dissolution  of  the  Union!"  We  most  deeply 
deplore  such  an  alternative  —  but  if  gentlemen  are  madly  bent 
on  goading  us  up  to  that  pitch  of  desperation,  on  their  heads, 
not  ours,  be  the  consequences.  (Great  confusion  and  cries  of 
order.) 

"  Silence  !  "  shouted  the  Speakeress,  stamping  her  foot  wi-h 
emphatic  violence. 

"Question  —  question  !"  from  the  left. 

Mr.  Moulton.  —  "I  rise  to  a  point  of  order."  (Cries  of 
"  put  him  down,"  from  the  right.) 

A  disgraceful  scene  ensued,  but  by  great  exertion,  quiet  was 
at  length  restored. 

Mrs.  Duglass. —  "Mrs.  Speakeress;  I  move  that  after  an 
interval  of  fifteen  minutes,  we  adjourn  till  to-morrow  morning 
at  ten  o'clock." 

Ominous  pause !  The  feminines  fell  to  moulding  the  "  dough- 
faces." Such  lookings  !  movings  !  whisperings  !  pulling  of 
sleeves  !  rubbing  of  elbows !  and  leaning  on  shoulders  !  The 
Omnibus  Dinner  Bill  was  evidently  making  headway.  The  vote 
was  taken  and  carried  by  a  majority  of  three! 


r 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

'  How  he  did  seem  to  dive  into  their  pockets." 


r j^HE  "spiritual"  mania  pervaded  city,  town  and  country. 
JL  Strange  to  say,  the  spiritualists  for  the  most  part  adhered 
to  the  "old  fogy"  school,  and  were  content  to  plod  along  the 
beaten  path  of  the  rapping,  writing  and  seeing  Mediums.  This 
may  not  have  been  altogether  their  fault,  since  the  spirits,  for 
some  wise  purpose,  no  doubt,  had  seen  fit  to  endow  but  a  solitary 
individual  with  the  miraculous  gift  of  a  spiritual  nasal  organ, 
the  ne  plus  ultra,  and  only  reliable  Medium  of  communication 
with  the  Spheres  —  the  real  "swiftsure"  line  of  conveyance 
between  the  universe  of  sense  and  the  vapory  realms  of  spirit- 
dom.  This,  experience  had  demonstrated  most  conclusively, 
as  the  reader  will  recollect.  The  Noseologist  and  his  disciples 
regarded  all  other  Mediums  and  their  followers  with  scorn  and 
disgust. 

Professor  7*.  Socrates  Nozzleman  maintained  his  just  ascen- 
dency as  the  greatest  among  all  the  great  lights  of  spiritualism ; 
the  Jupiter,  or  rather  the  central  Sun  of  the  system.  His  satellites 
were  numerous,  whose  axis  of  motion  and  center  of  gravity  all  lay 
within  the  circle  of  his  capacious  nostrils.  Hence  his  influence 
within  the  limits  of  his  own  "  orbit "  was  supreme  and  arbi- 
trary. In  this  connection,  we  cannot  fail  to  notice  the  singular 
(288) 


FOLLIES    OF    THEXIXiH    CENTURY.    289 


phenomenon  that  his  olfactories,  though  "  spiritual/' 
a  decided  affinity  for  the  good  things  of  Providence,  of  what- 
ever kind,  whether  adapted  to  the  palate  or  the  pocket.  For 
Instance  —  he  smelt  that  brother  Pliable  must  give  him 
fifty  dollars,  and  it  was  forthcoming,  at  any  sacrifice.  Our  t 
Smeller  was  in  want  of  a  certain  horse  valued  at  a  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars.  When  seeking  the  owner,  and  ostensibly  under 
the  promptings  of  benevolence,  he  addressed  him  thus  — 

"  Brother  Soft,  I  am  here  to  let  thee  know  that  thy  valuable 
horse  is  diseased,  and  will  shortly  die,  unless  he  fall  into  my 
hands.  Thou  knowest,  brother  Soft,  that  I  do  not  covet  thy 
b/orse,  but  rather  than  thou  shouldest  lose  him  and  suffer  a 
total  loss,  the  Spirits  direct  me  to  be  just,  and  give  thee  the 
liberal  price  of  forty  dollars  and  save  the  life  of  the  animal. 
So  bring  him  hither  speedily,  and  make  sure  of  thy  money." 

Brother  Soft,  not  hesitating  between  the  skin  of  a  dead  beast 
and  so  great  a  sum,  hastened  to  the  pasture,  brought  and  de- 
livered up  the  horse,  rejoicing  that  he  had  saved  forty  dollars 
and  the  life  of  his  noble  "  Bay." 

Professor  Nozzleman  was  destitute  of  a  family  carriage. 
Sister  Marvel,  residing  some  three  miles  distant,  had  a  new  one 
exactly  to  the  professor's  taste,  or  rather  to  his  smell.  So 
mounting  his  splendid  Bay,  with  whip  and  spur,  he  set  off  at 
full  speed  for  sister  Marvel's.  Like  a  pointer  on  the  scent, 
descrying  in  the  distance  the  coveted  vehicle  before  the  door, 
he  bent  forward  with  all  his  might,  and  came  dashing  up  to  the 
gate,  his  horse  covered  with  dust  and  foam,  and  himself  breath- 
less with  agitation,  just  as  the  good  woman  of  the  house  with 
her  children  were  issuing  to  take  a  morning  ride. 
25 


290  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  Sister  Marvel !  sister  Marvel ! "  said  the  sraeller,  with  face 
and  jesture  the  picture  of  terror,  and  voice  sticking  in  his 
throat,  "I  —  smelt  that — thee — was — on  the  point  of  riding 

—  out  —  and  would — get  killed  by  —  that  carriage.     I've  — 
got  —  here —  in  time  — •  to  save  -r-  thy  life.     Thou  must  never 

—  ride  —  in  it  again." 

"  Oh,  bless  you  !   bless  you  ! "    exclaimed   sister  Marvel, 

"  you've  saved  our  lives.      We  should' ve  been  dead  before 

v        night.     No  other  Medium  could' ve  told  this.     Spiritualism  has 

snatched  us  from  the  jaws  of  destruction.     Nobody  can  doubt 

now.     '  Spiritualism ' 0  its  everything  —  its  everything." 

A  little  rested,  and  sitting  on  his  panting  beast,  our  smelling 
Apostle  related  his  feelings  on  first  snuffing  the  sad  news,  and 
then  apparently  subsiding  into  a  state  of  abstraction,  with  a 
melancholy  look  and  an  ominous  shake  of  the  head,  as  if  con- 
templating some  future  occurrence,  uttered  the  exclnmati'm, 
"  That  carriage  !  that  carriage  ! " 

"  What  must  I  do  with  it?"  asked  sister  Marvel. 

"  I'll  tell  thee  what  thou  must  not  do,"  replied  the  Medium, 
with  a  sigh ;  "  thee  or  any  of  thy  family  must  never  set  foot  in 
it  again,  if  thou  wouldest  not  be  dashed  in  pieces." 

"  Would  it  be  safe  for  you  to  use  it  ?  "  asked  sister  Marvel. 

"I  don't  know  till  I  consult  the  spirits,"  answered  the  wily 
Apostle.  Whereupon  ordering  the  horse  to  be  detached  and 
the  wheels  well  blocked,  he  cautiously  ascended,  and  seating 
himself  for  a  short  time,  said  with  a  smile  — 

"  I  scent  there  is  no  immediate  danger  to  me,  and  that  should 
any  arise,  I  shall  be  advertised  of  it  in  due  season." 

"  Well,"  said  the  simple  owner,  with  a  heart  full  of  gratitude, 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    291 

"  You  are  welcome  to  the  carriage  and  the  harness  too,  if  you 
want  it,  and  any  thing  else  I  have,  for  you  have  saved  me  and 
my  family." 

"  I  do  not  foresmell  any  immediate  harm  to  thee  from  the 
harness,  but  as  you  might  run  a  risk  in  using  it,  perhaps  it 
will  be  safest  for  me  to  take  it/'  said  the  Medium. 

Sister  Marvel  cheerfully  acquiesced,  not  only,  but  superadded 
heartfelt  thanks  for  her  timely  rescue. 

Our  Medium  Apostle  was  now  fashionably  equipaged.  At- 
taching his  splendid  Bay  to  his  beautiful  carriage,  he  returned 
home  in  style  and  comfort,  having  promised  sister  Marvel  that 
not  a  moment  should  be  lost  in  giving  her  notice,  should  any 
accident  be  about  to  overtake  her  again. 

The  reader  has  not  as  yet  been  made  acquainted  with  the 
personal  character  and  genealogy  of  the  Prime  Medium  of  the 
age  and  Arch  Apostle  of  Spiritualism.  Perhaps  some  would 
like  to  add  his  daguerreotype  to  their  picture  gallery. 

He  was  in  the  neighborhood  of  forty  years  of  age,  of  middle 
stature  —  hair  sandy  and  unsheared,  hanging  down  his  should- 
ers—  beard  patriarchal  —  eyes  small,  gray,  sharp  and  deep  set 
in  his  head;  nose  the  leading  feature  of  the  profile,  hugely  occu- 
pying the  foreground  —  altogether  sui  generis,  of  true  yankee 
extraction  —  was  a  wandering  planet,  a  universal  itinerant,  had 
contrived  many  ways  to  get  a  living  by  his  wits,  but  with  in- 
different success,  till,  fortunately,  his  nasal  qualities  were 
brought  into  requisition.  Sly,  shrewd,  cunning,  he  could  lay 
his  plans  ingeniously,  and  promote  them  prosperously,  until 
some  novel  idea  would  drive  him  off  tangent-wise  into  some 
new  scheme.  In  short,  he  belonged  to  that  class  who  are 


292  LUCY   BOSTON. 

unwilling  to  "let  well  enough  alone,"  to  use  a  homely  adage. 
He  had  finally  struck  a  rich  vein,  and  made  a  permanent  "  hit," 
had  he  not,  like  those  of  his  class,  sought  to  grasp  all  within 
his  reach. 

Moved  by  the  spirit  of  lucre,  he  set  himself  up  as  general 
Executor  for  all  his  followers,  inspiring  them  with  the  belief 
that  it  was  wholly  unnecessary  to  make  a  will,  as  in  case  of 
demise,  their  spirits  could,  by  personal  communication,  direct 
him  as  to  the  disposition  of  their  property,  from  time  to  time, 
thereby  retaining  the  oversight  of  their  temporal  affairs  as 
really  as  when  in  the  flesh.  Besides,  the  method  proposed, 
possessed  this  important  advantage  :  In  the  Spirit-Land  where 
there  is  ample  time  for  reflection  and  self-review,  where  all 
things  appear  in  their  true  light,  and  can  be  clearly  contem- 
plated in  their  intrinsic  character  and  every  possible  bearing, 
they  would  be  prepared  to  dispose  of  their  earthly  estates  far 
more  safely  and  wisely  than  it  was  in  their  power  to  have  done 
previous  to  their  departure. 

Our  Spiritual  Executor  assured  them  likewise  that  should 
he  happen  to  be  taken  away,  some  one  or  more  of  his  descend- 
ants would  succeed  to  his  powers,  and  the  business  be  trans- 
acted by  them  equally  as  well  as  by  himself.  Most  fortuitous 
discovery !  A  thrifty  branch  among  the  off-shoots  of  Spirit- 
ualism, and  promising  to  bear  abundant  fruit !  The  believers 
hailed  it  with  jubilee.  Indeed,  what  child  of  Adam  could 
have  the  obstinacy  to  reject  a  scheme  of  such  transcendent 
utility  and  so  obviously  in  harmony  with  the  dictates  of  human 
nature  ?  Ouly  let  this  perfection  of  Spiritualism  be  univer- 
sally adopted,  and  the  "  empty  void"  of  yielding  up  the  "  things 


.FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.     293 

of  time  and  sense"  is  filled.  The  dreadful  chasm  between 
Earth  and  the  Spheres  is  bridged.  Farewell  to  the  iron-fisted 
law  of  hereditaments  and  the  despotic  fashion  of  testamentary 
bequests,  by  which  past  generations  have  suffered  their  goods 
to  be  wrenched  from  their  grasp  and  parceled  out  to  their  pos- 
terity. Henceforth,  every  passenger  to  the  Spirit  World  con- 
veys with  him  all  right  and  title  to  his  temporal  estate,  both 
personal  and  real,  holding  it  in  fee  simple,  not  only  while  "  grass 
grows  and  water  runs,"  but  while  human  nature  lasts  and  the 
"  Spheres"  revolve.  Auspicious  era !  Ultimatum  most  glo- 
rious of  the  great  law  of  spiritual  development !  Think  of  it, 
reader,  and  exult.  What  a  "  manifest  destiny  !"  Spirits  are 
no  longer  the  meager  ghosts  they  have  been,  cut  off  from  their 
worldly  possessions  and  sent  away  into  limbo  like  outlaws  and 
bankrupts,  but  retired  capitalists;  the  real  upper-tendom  — 
operators  on  "Change"  —  proprietors  of  the  soil  with  all  its 
incumbrances,  of  this  mundane  territory,  by  actual  title,  or 
holding  under  bond  and  mortgage,  while  the  Mediums  are 
their  agents  on  commission,  and  to  whom  is  allowed  a  very 
liberal  per  ccntage. 

At  the  head  of  this  class  of  communicators  stood,  as  we 
have  seen,  Professor  Nozzleman.     Though  in  moderate  circum- 
stances previous  to  his  promotion  by  his  spiritual  employers,        ^ 
he  had  "demonstrated"  himself  into  a  handsome  property. 

His  disciples  multiplied.  Some  of  them  occasionally  de- 
clared they  "smelt  a  rat,"  but  their  smeller-in-chief  assured 
them  it  could  not  be  spiritual  effluvia,  and  so  he  nosed  them 
into  the  belief  of  bis  infallibility. 

History,  ancient  or  modern,  furnishes  no  example  of  one- 
25* 


294  LUCY    BOSTON. 

man-power  so  absolute  as  that  of  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman.  Here 
was  a  spiritual  hierarchy  with  a  vengeance,  under  the  sway  of 
this  chief  Apostle.  He  levied  weekly  contributions  upon  each 
disciple,  male  and  female,  and  which  were  cheerfully  paid  to 
help  forward  "  the  good  cause." 

As  we  have  before  remarked,  many  people  remained  in  the 
dark,  in  relation  to  the  latest  improvements  in  the  science  and 
art  of  Spiritualism.  Even  men  occupying  "  high  places"  in 
our  national  synagogue,  judges,  professors  and  statesmen,  law- 
yers, doctors  and  generals,  were  following  in  the  wake  of  the 
rappers,  writers  and  seers.  The  ancient  city  of  Gotham,  chris- 
tened New  York,  N.  S.,  proverbial  for  its  fastness  in  every- 
thing, teemed  with  Mediums  of  the  "  old  school."  Spiritual 
Noseology  had  not  as  yet  been  discovered  nor  introduced  there, 
which  circumstance  is  evidence  that  the  most  truthful  spirits, 
eschewing  the  most  populous  towns,  frequent  the  "  rural  dis- 
tricts." In  this  instance,  at  least,  the  great  metropolis  was 
far  behind  our  far-famed  country  village. 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

"  0.  madam, 

Your  sex  is  too  imperious  to  rule; 
You  are  too  busy  and  stirring  to 
Be  put  in  action;  your  curiosity 
Would  do  as  much  harm  in  a  kingdom  as 
A  monkey  in  a  glass  shop ;  move  and  remove, 
Till  you  had  broken  all." 

"  FT! HE  usual  hour"  found  the  members  of  the  Legislature 
_L    in  their  respective  seats,  the  galleries  crowded  with  spec- 
tators, and  "lobby"  full  of  anxious  expectants. 

During  the  interim  of  adjournment,  the  Speakeress  having 
consulted  the  Governess,  they  together  condescended  to  exam- 
ine the  constitution  and  register  on  the  opening  of  legislative 
sessions,  and  thus  gathered  the  necessary  information  for  or- 
ganizing the  Senate  and  House.  They  disdained  to  ask  coun- 
sel of  the  Attorney-General,  who  happened  to  belong  to  the 
other  gender,  having  been  elected  previous  to  the  "  clean 
sweep,"  and  whose  term  of  office  had  not  yet  expired. 

The  houses  were  at  length  organized,  in  a  manner,  by  the 
appointment  of  various  committees,  a  list  of  which  we  cannot 
stay  to  record,  as  proper  brevity  requires  us  to  generalize.  It  is 
sufficiently  specific  to  say,  that  in  no  instance  was  a  male  ap- 

(295) 


296  LUCY    BOSTON. 

pointed  chairman,  nor  even  as  a  member  of  any  committee  of 
prominent  importance. 

,  The  session  wore  itself  away,  dragging  its  '/slow  length 
along,"  in  the  succession  of  buncome  speeches,  caucussing, 
and  long  adjournments.  The  main  topic  of  discussion  was  the 
message,  and  particularly  that  portion  relating  to  the  marriage 
question. 

As  might  be  expected,  a  subject  of  such  vital  importance  to 
the  welfare  of  the  State,  so  radical  in  its  nature  and  far-reach- 
ing in  its  results,  called  forth  the  strongest  effort  of  the  best  tal- 
ent on  the  floor  of  the  capitol.  It  is  beyond  the  power  of  any  re- 
porter to  do  even  a  moiety  of  justice  to  the  ingenious  and  elo- 
quent speakers  on  both  sides  of  the  house. 

Miss  Lovegood,  of  Cupidville,  earned  the  notoriety  of  tak- 
ing the  initiative,  by  introducing  a  very  elaborate  "  Bill  con- 
cerning Matrimony,"  and  from  which  we  extract  the  following 
sections : 

"  The  Governess  shall  appoint  in  each  town  three  persons  as 
a  Board  of  Matrimonial  Excise ;  said  Board  to  consist  solely  of 
females  of  undoubted  character,  and  not  less  than  fifty  nor  more 
than  eighty  years  of  age ;  —  that  no  marriage  shall  hereafter 
be  lawful  and  binding  upon  any  lady,  unless  sanctioned  by  said 
"Board  of  Excise,"  or  a  majority  thereof. 

"  That  it  shall  be  the  prerogative  of  any  female  to  make  ap- 
plication to  any  male  to  become  her  servant  —  the  term  "  hus- 
band" to  be  expunged  from  the  language,  or  made  obsolete, 
save  as  a  by -word  and  reproach. 

"  That  it  be  unlawful  for  any  man  over  sixteen  years  of  age 
to  refuse  said  application,  provided  always  the  age  of  the  fair 

- 


FOLLIES    or    THE    X  I X  T  H    CENTURY.    297 

applicant  be  between  fifteen  and  fifty-five  years.  In  case  two 
or  more  applications  be  made  to  the  same  person,  at  the  same 
time,  the  mother  of  the  applicantee  shall  determine  which 
of  the  fair  applicants  he  shall  accept.  If  he  have  no  mother 
living,  then  his  eldest  sister.  If  he  have  no  sister,  it  shall  be 
his  duty  to  accept  the  eldest  applicant  —  provided  again, 
that  no  peculiar  reasons  exist,  to  be  certified  by  the  '  Board 
of  Excise/ 

"It  shall  be  the  duty  of  the  excise-woman  to  see  that  fe- 
males are  not  imposed  upon,  and  any  want  of  fidelity  in  their 
official  capacity  shall  subject  them  to  severe  penalties. 

"  Immediately  following  the  application,  the  applicant  shall 
send  the  applicantee  to  the  Board  of  Excise,  to  notify  them  of 
said  application,  and  unless  they  judge  that  positive  injury 
would  result  to  the  fair  applicant,  let  them  write  '  yes,'  on  a 
card,  and  sign  the  same,  as  a  marriage  certificate;  and  any  ap- 
plicantee refusing  to  become  the  servant  of  such  applicant, 
holding  said  certificate,  shall  be  adjudged  guilty  of  a  misde- 
meanor, and  subject  to  such  punishment  as,  in  the  discretion 
of  the  Board,  he  shall  be  deemed  worthy. 

"In  case  the  excise  ladies  should  write  cNo'  on  said  card, 
the  applicant,  if  in  reality, 

«  The  siveet  lady  dotes, 
Devoutly  dotes,  dotes  in  idolatry, 


Upon  the • 


shall  have  the  right  to  appeal  to  the  Governess,  or  may,  at  her 
option,  compel  the  applicantee  to  retire  to  the  distance  of  at 
least  one  hundred  miles  —  as  a  penalty  for  exciting  in  the  fair 


298  LUCY   BOSTON. 

applicant  an  undue  and  unreciprocated  passion  —  thereto  re- 
main in  '  durance  vile/  until  the  fair  applicant  shall  have  mado 
application  for  another  servant,  or  certify  that  the  delinquent's 
return  would  not  infringe  upon  her  'RIGHTS.' 

"  The  sanction  of  this  most  wholesome,  righteous  law,  shall 
be  nothing  short  of  extreme  penalty  for  its  slightest  in- 
fringement." 

The  minority,  to  a  man,  looked  upon  the  bill  with  abhorrence 
as  a  most  daring  high-handed  innovation,  and  were  for  quash- 
ing it  at  once.  They  would  speedily  have  killed  the  monster 
at  a  blow;  but  that  was  inexpedient,  if  not  impracticable.  It 
would  not  do  to  legislate  in  a  hurry.  Precipitate  action  would 
not  comport  with  the  dignity  of  such  a  body,  and  the  interests 
of  the  public,  which  require  legislators  to  proceed  with  the 
greatest  possible  deliberation  and  caution.  Besides,  despatch 
is  unstatesman-like  and  contrary  to  political  orthodoxy.  To 
hinder  the  ebullition  of  passion,  and  the  display  of  eloquence, 
and  the  maneuvers  of  statesmanship,  and  the  settlement  of 
private  quarrels,  and  the  malting  of  capital,  would  be  highly 
impolitic,  and  at  variance  with  the  first  principles  of  democ- 
racy, not  for  a  moment  to  be  tolerated  in  any  free  government. 

Our  State,  next  to  our  national  Legislature,  knew  how  to 
stand  upon  their  constitutional  and  inalienable  rights,  and 
among  them  the  freedom  to  speak  as  often,  and  as  long,  and 
on  whatever  subject  they  pleased. 

31iss  Lovegood,  by  the  presentation  of  her  famous  "  Marriage 
Bill,"  set  the  ball  in  motion  and  gave  it  impetus  by  a  long  and 
lusty  speech,  in  which  it  was  contended  with  great  strength  of 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    299 

reasoning,  and  richness  of  illustration,  that  nature  was  per- 
verted, and  society  out  of  order. 

"  Woman,"  said  she,  "  was  not  made  for  man,  but  man  for 
woman.  True,  father  Adam  was  formed  before  mother  Eve. 
But  things  made  first  are  not  necessarily  the  best.  Is  it  not 
indeed  the  reverse  ?  Cannot  a  journeyman  work  better  than  a 
raw  apprentice,  and  an  old  mechanic  outdo  them  both  ?  Be- 
sides, man  was  composed  of  clay,  and  at  best,  he  is  nothing 
more  than  humanity  in  the  rough,  coarse  earthenware,  for  com- 
mon use.  But  woman  !  whence  and  what  is  she  ?  Not  a 
clumsey  vessel  formed  of  mud.  Man's  composition  in  its  most 
refined  state  was  but  the  raw  material  for  her  mechanism. 
Hence  she  is  not  the  mere  pottery  that  man  is,  but  the  genuine 
porcelain  and  china  in  the  palace  of  society.  Or  to  speak 
figuratively,  Nature  in  the  gross  assumes  the  masculine,  but  in 
the  superfine,  the  feminine  gender ;  plainly  indicating  that  man 
was  made  to  be  under  the  woman,  and  woman  to  be  over  the 
man ;  he,  as  her  slave,  she,  as  his  mistress." 

"Now,  Mrs.  Speakeress,"  continued  the  eloquent  stateswo- 
man,  "  in  the  light  of  these  self-evident  truths,  what  is  the 
inevitable  conclusion  to  which  we  are  driven  ?  Is  it  not  that 
this  bill  is  absolutely  demanded  as  the  only  remedy  of  a  great 
political  and  social  evil  ?  What,  let  me  ask,  is  the  present  state 
of  things  ?  What  has  it  been?  what  is  it  destined  to  be  with- 
out the  passage  of  this  bill  ?  Look  at  my  sex,  hand-cuffed 
and  gagged;  cramped,  cribbed,  confined  and  crushed.  No 
matter  how  often  cupid  may  plant  his  burning  arrows  in  our 
bosoms,  and  howmuchsoever  they  may  rankle  and  corrode,  we 


300  LUCY  BOSTON. 

must  neither  write  nor  speak,  nor  look,  nor  even  breathe  affection 
for  any  mortal  man,  much  less  compel  him  to  bow  at  our  foot- 
stool, because  forsooth,  it  is  not  custom,  and  therefore  the  height 
of  impropriety,  to  say  nothing  worse.  What !  Mrs.  Speakeross  ! 
shall  these  sons  of  Jo?e  shake  their  ambrosial  curls,  lift  their 
haughty  brow,  sport  their  smart  imperial  and  mustache,  and 
in  all  their  pride  and  pomp  strut  abroad  in  defiance  of  our 
charms  ?  No,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  it  is  high  time  these  Sampsons 
were  shorn  of  their  strength,  and  this  bill  is  the  shears  to  do 
it  with.  Mrs.  Speakeress,  before  I  sit  down,  let  me  abjure  all 
personal  motives  in  my  presentation  and  advocacy  of  this 
measure.  I  present  it  as  a  public  benefaction.  Let  it  be  passed, 
and  future  generations  will  rise  up  and  call  us  blessed." 

Mr.  BacMder,  of  Button  Creek.  — "  Mrs.  Speaker,  I  rise 
in  reply  to  the  honorable  membere?s  from  Cupidville.  The 
bill  she  has  had  the  honor  of  introducing  is  a  remarkable  one, 
and  in  support  of  which  she  has  favored  us  with  a  remarkable 
speech.  Yes,  a  very  remarkable  speech,  at  once  historical, 
argumentative,  philosophical  and  hortatory.  But,  madam,  let 
us  examine  this  '  stone  ware '  and  '  clieeny '  argument,  as  it 
may  properly  be  christened.  It  is  admitted  at  the  outset,  by 
the  honorable  lady,  that  man  was  made  first,  but  she  denies  it 
to  be  evidence  of  superiority  —  nay,  she  has  the  '  cheek '  to 
argue  that  it  proves  his  inferiority.  Was  there  ever  before 
such  an  abuse  of  facts  and  reason  7  What  a  miserable  shift  to 
cover  a  weak  position  ?  (Sensation  —  many  of  the  female  mem- 
bers making  mouths  at  the  speaker.)  Stripped  of  the  guise 
of  sophistry,  what  is  the  naked  truth  on  this  subject  ?  Why 
plainly,  that  man  was  created  first,  not  only  in  the  order  of 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXxn    CENTURY.    301 

time,  but  also  in  the  scale  of  endowments  and  authority.  Let 
whoever  doubts  it  turn  to  the  anthropological  record  and  read  it 
in  plain  English.  The  learned  lady  also  debates,  not  reasons, 
the  same  point  on  the  score  of  mechanical  improvement.  As 
if  Nature  put  out  to  a  trade  had  wrought  successively  as  ap- 
prentice, journeyman — journey-wowcm  rather — and  mistress- 
mechanic. 

"  Now  in  the  first  place,  the  honorable  lady's  argument  proves 
too  much.  It  virtually  predicates  that  Nature  was  originally 
imperfect,  which  amounts  to  an  open  impeachment  of  the 
handiwork  of  the  great  Architect  of  the  universe. 

"  But  in  the  second  place,  the  lady's  reasoning  proves  noth- 
ing at  all;  for  if  Nature  was  apprenticed,  let  the  honorable 
lady  produce  the  indentures.  But  admit  it.  Grant,  for  argu- 
ment's sake,  that  Nature  in  the  march  of  artistic  improvement, 
for  any  period  however  indefinite,  and  degree  of  perfection 
however  great,  accomplished  the  product  of  woman.  What 
then  ?  Does  the  lady's  conclusion  follow  ?  Not  at  all.  May 
not  a  most  skillful  artisan  turn  off  the  most  worthless  job  ? 
Does  it  not  indeed  require  the  galvanic  powers  of  the  nineteenth 
century  to  turn  pinch-beck  and  pewter  into  gold,  twenty  carats 
fine,  with  which  to  adorn  the  'fashionables?'  Can  any  short 
of  the  highest  commercial  dexterity  enable  a  bankrupt  to  sport 
his  '  coach  and  four '  on  other  people's  money  ?  Is  it  not  the 
extreme  of  chemical  acuteness,  from  the  bowels  of  the  crucible, 
to  furnish  the  demands  of  European  and  American  aristocracy 
with  artificial  diamonds,  rivaling  in  their  luster  the  great 
'Kohinoor'  itself.  And  what,  Mrs.  Speaker,  let  me  ask,  as 
the  climax  of  all,  what  short  of  the  miraculous  perfection  of 


302  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Yankee  workmanship  can  surpass  even  Nature  herself  in  the 
manufacture  of  white-oak  cheese,  wooden  nutmegs  and  garden 
seeds!  (Bursts  of  applause  from  the  left — hisses  from  the 
right.)  In  allusion  to  the  textural  formation  of  the  sexes,  the 
honorable  lady,  with  an  air  of  triumph,  is  pleased  to  call  man 
the  stone-ware,  and  woman  china.  Man,  stone-ware  !  Wo- 
man, china !  Very  well,  admit  it.  The  lady  is  exceedingly 
unfortunate  in  her  positions.  Is  the  china-set  put  to  daily, 
common  use  ?  Or  is  it  not  kept  in  choice  reserve  to  be  spread 
in  the  entertainment  of  company  ?  I  put  it  directly  to  the 
honorable  lady  herself,  if  this  is  not  attested  by  her  personal 
knowledge  and  experience  ?  I  challenge  the  honorable  meni- 
beress  to  deny  it.  Well  now,  let  us  apply  this  in  the  form  of 
syllogism  : 

Woman  is  china-ware: 

But  china-ware  is  made  for  the  entertainment  of  company  — 

Therefore  woman  was  made  for  the  entertainment  of  company. 

"  Again — To  advance  another  link  in  the  chain  : 

Company  signifies  visitors ;  — 
But  suitors  are  visitors  — 
Therefore  suitors  are  company. 

"  The  adverse  of  the  proposition,  amounting  to  a  reductio  acf 
absurdum,  is  equally  unfortunate  for  the  lady's  cause.  Put 
in  terms  consonant  with  her  own  showing, 

Man  is  designed  for  the  entertainment  of  company : 

But  man  is  stone-ware  ; 

Therefore  stone-ware  is  designed  for  the  entertainment  of  company, 

A  conclusion  directly  contrary  to  the  nature,  of  things,  at  least 


FOLLIES  OP  THE  XIXiii  CENTURY.     303 

of  stone  and  china,  and  the  universal  practice  of  society,  for 
the  honorable  lady  will  not  affirm  that  pottery  is  the  highest 
style  of  crockery  ware ;  nay,  she  holds  exactly  the  reverse. 

"  Thus,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  the  power  of  absolute  demonstration 
deals  a  fatal  blow  to  this  bill,  which  constitutes  woman  the 
court-er  and  man  the  court-ee,  in  all  matrimonial  alliances,  and 
which  the  honorable  lady  has  so  strenuously  maintained  as  the 
pink  of  nuptial  orthodoxy,  when  as  we  have  seen  in  the  light 
of  reason  and  the  nature  of  things  — and  hence  constitution- 
ally considered  —  man  is  the  suit-or  and  woman  the  suit-ee. 

"  But,  madam,  there  is  another  aspect  of  this  measure,  still 
more  monstrous,  if  possible  —  I  mean  its  illegality. 

"  The  honorable  lady,  in  the  course  of  her  argument,  declared 
that  '  man's  composition  refined  was  but  the  raw  material  for 
woman's  mechanism.'  This,  madam,  sounds  very  fine  from  the 
lips  of  the  eloquent  memberess.  .  But  why  did  she  not  go  fur- 
ther and  state  the  modus  operandi  of  the  thing  ?  The  reason 
is  obvious.  She  dare  not  do  it.  It  would  have  been  a  death- 
blow to  her  bill.  What,  madam,  are  the  facts  in  the  case  ? 
Why  undeniably  these.  Adam  retired  to  rest,  and  while  fasj; 
asleep,  a  rib  was  dislocated  from  his  side,  without  his  knowl- 
edge or  consent,  and  converted  into  woman. 

"  Now  I  take  it,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  that  a  man  has  a  right  to 
his  own  ribs  wherever  he  can  find  them,  as  much  so  as  to  any 
other  personal  property  whatever.  But  what  is  the  ground 
assumed  by  the  author  and  supporters  of  this  bill  ?  Why, 
madam,  as  if  it  were  not  enough  for  a  man  to  have  a  portion 
of  himself  abstracted  covertly,  in  the  dark,  he  must  now  sub- 
mit to  be  seized  bodily  and  held,  vi  et  armis,  by  force  and 


304  LUCY   BOSTON. 

arms,  like  a  fugitive  from  justice,  and  without  either  the  power 
of  habeas  corpus  or  trial  by  jury.  What  is  this,  let  me  ask, 
but  political  atheism  and  legalized  piracy?  Are  ladies  and 
gentlemen  prepared  to  vote  for  a  measure  so  burglarious,  so 
treasonable,  so  absolutely  monstrous?  I  trow  not.  (Great 
applause  from  the  left  —  groans  from  the  right.)  I  shall  not 
attempt,  madam,  to  follow  the  honorable  lady  in  her  eloquent 
and  pathetic  episode  on  cupids,  arrows,  crushed  hearts,  ambro- 
sial curls,  whiskers,  et  cetera,  all  of  which  has  about  as  much 
to  do  with  the  question  before  the  house,  as  the  '  Nebraska 
swindle,'  or  the  'annexation  of  Cuba/  With  this  exposi- 
tion of  my  sentiments,  Mrs.  Speakeress,  I  sit."  (Great  and 
continued  sensation  in  all  quarters  of  the  house.) 

Mrs.  Pomposo  of  the  metropolis  arose.  —  "  Mrs.  Speakeress, 
may  it  please  your  right  honorable  ladyship,  I  had  beatified 
my  sensoriuui  with  the  deeply-seated  hope,  that  the  extant 
measure  which  has  absorbed  so  much  of  the  time  and  talent  of 
this  legislative  corporeity,  would  have  made  its  transit  without 
antagonism,  and  thus  have  exonerated  me  from  the  onerous- 
n£ss  of  delivering  my  sentiments.  But  such  is  the  unexpected 
and  puissant  opposition  to  this  political  enterprise,  so  antece- 
dent in  its  conception,  so  righteous  in  its  provisions,  and  so 
magnificent  in  its  consequences,  that  I  dare  not  retrograde  to  my 
constituency,  without  exalting  my  voice  in  a  sample  of  oratory. 

"  Mrs.  Speakeress,  I  have  the  perception  of  a  line  of  argu- 
mentation as  yet  untraversed,  and  which  I  covet  the  liberty 
and  honor  of  demarcating.  I  mean  ihe  property  argument. 

"  And  firstly,  in  the  incipiency  of  my  discourse,  allow  me 
to  vouchsafe  the  declaration  that  I  am  not  under  the  impetus 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    305 

of  selfishness.  True,  I  am  the  mother  of  six  young  ladies, 
concurrently  marriageable  and  beautiful,  between  the  ages  of 
twelve  and  twenty-four  years.  They  are  all  around,  that  is, 
circumambulated  by  suitors,  but  which  possess  the  intrinsic 
abatement  of  congenial  and  adequate  property  qualifications. 
I  am  anchored  in  the  determination  that  my  offspring,  so  nobly 
descended,  so  exquisitely  beautiful  and  accomplished,  shall 
never  so  tarnish  their  ancestral  escutcheon  as  to  become  the 
'  ladies '  of  any  thing  less  than  billionaires.  Mrs.  Speakeress, 
I  persist  in  my  adhesiveness  to  this  measure,  in  the  light  of 
public  munificence." 

Mrs.  Blunt  of  Stumptown,  a  bulky-looking  matron,  and 
though  somewhat  illiterate,  contended  with  great  natural  force, 
in  opposition  to  the  bill. 

"Miss  Spokesman,"  said  bulky  Mrs.  Blunt,  "I  have 
brought  twelve  live  boys  upon  airth —  Reuben  the  oldest  and 
Benny  the  littlest.  There  haint  any  on  'em  matched  yit,  and 
I  wants  nobody's  gals  taggin  round  arter  'em — Mrs.  Pampo- 
eer's  six  da'turs  for  kzample.  I  reckon  as  how  my  boys 
knows  when  its  time  for  'em  to  have  a  woman,  and  who  they 
wants  and  how  to  git  her  tu.  My  old  man  sparked  me  ecause 
he  liked  me  so  bad,  and  that's  just  for  why  I  had  him.  If  he 
hadn't  had  a  genewine  feeling  towards  me,  he  wouldn't  a  come 
arter  me  at  all,  and  I  woldn't  thanked  him  tu  nuther.  I  wants 
nobody  that  duzn't  want  me. 

"  Now  jist  look  here  onc't — you  —  Miss  What's-yer-name, 
up  on  the  stagen  yender.  Lets  us  argyfy  a  bit.  Spos'n  a 
chap  had  a  sort  a  takin  fur  you,  and  you  had  no  sort  a  takin 
26* 


LUCY    BOSTON. 

fur  him  back  agin  —  you  wouldn't  want  a  marry  him,  would 
you  ?  Nor  he  you,  if  he  warn't  a  tarnal  fool ! 

"  Agin  —  Sposeyou  was  a  gal,  as  you  onc't  was,  an  you  tuck 
to  likin  some  feller,  all-fired  hard  fur  what  I  care,  an  all  the 
while  he  hadn't  a  spark  o'  feelin  fur  you,  any  way;  but  you, 
poor  moon-struck,  love-sick  thing  should  coax,  or  force,  or  give 
him  a  fortin  to  be  your  man,  agin  his  natur.  I  ax  now,  what 
kind  o'  house-keepin  you'd  have  ?  I  reckon  as  how,  twouldn't 
take  much  to  guess !  I've  seen  zackly  sich  in  my  day,  and 
pr'aps  you  mought  be  ditto. 

"  But  now,  Miss  Speechifyer,  in  the  eed,  to  put  this  'ere  thing 
all  in  a  heap  together,  will  tote  it  right  hum,  an  'spose  you 
was  e'en  a'most  gone  with  the  heart-ache  arter  one  o'  the  neigh- 
bor's boys,  an  he  the  same  or  more  so  arter  you,  and  so  both 
on  you  ciprocated  'tother — jist  as  lovyers  always  ought' er  — 
What  then  ?  Why  you'd  hev  the  knot  tied  twixt  you  —  quicker 

—  and  all  on  airth  couldn't  stop  it. 

"  Well  then,  I'd  like  to  know  what  this  'ere  new  Love  Bill, 
as  you  call  it,  is  good  fur,  when  it  duzn't  alter  nothin  ?  Them's 
my  sentiments. 

"  But  now,  as  how  I'm  on  the  floor,  and  its  my  right  to  talk, 
I'll  foller  fashion  and  tack  on  a  bit  of  a  remark. 

"  I'ze  no  Doctor  of  Philosophy  nor  Physic,  in  any  big  de- 
gree, but  I've  seen  and  felt  natur.  I'ze  o'  the  opinion,  if  all 
the  legislature  in  Ameriky  makes  bills  to  turn  the  univarse 
about,  'twont  signify  nothin.  Fire'll  burn  —  water'll  quench 

—  zephyers  '11  buss  the  roses  —  and  the  sp'eres  '11  wheel  and 
spin  like  as  ever. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXxn    CENTURY.    307 

"  Now,  I'll  top  off  by  saying,  its  nat'ral  for  us  to  like  them 
what  likes  us.  Love  goes  where  its  a  mind  to,  and  where  love 
goes  the  '  parson '  follers.  Its  natur's  law,  an  its  no  use  fur 
Miss  Pamposer  nor  the  hull  legislatur  to  go  agin  it.  Natur, 
I  tell  you,  is  a  master  institution  enough  sight  stouter'n  all  on 
yer.  So  jist  hang  up  yer  fiddle  about  this  'ere  bill." 

Honorable  Mrs.  Blunt  subsided  heavily  into  her  seat,  amid 
hisses,  applause  and  laughter. 

It  is  useless  to  attempt  to  follow  up  the  multifarious,  lengthy 
and  heated  discussion  of  this  measure,  attempted  to  be  sprung 
upon  the  Legislature  and  saddled  on  the  commonwealth,  but 
which  was  staved  off  most  vigorously,  by  all  the  means  within 
the  constitutional  reach  of  the  "  old  schools."  But  the 
"  strong-minded  "  had  fairly  passed  the  rubicon,  and  now  they 
pushed  the  "  war  into  the  enemies  country." 

Amid  secret  caucusing,  buncome  speeches,  personal  alterca- 
tions, and  amorous  episodes,  the  famous  Marriage  Bill  con- 
sumed the  entire  session,  to  the  exclusion  of  everything  else. 
The  hundredth  day  found  the  Council  of  State  in  secret  session. 
Night  closed  upon  the  contest.  Fierce  and  fiercer  still  grew 
the  strife,  when,  as  the  town-clock  tolled  out  the  hour  of  twelve, 
the  deed  of  darkness  was  done !  The  vote  was  taken  and  car- 
ried by  the  timely  assistance  of  the  doughfaces.  The  House 
adjourned. 


CHAPTER    XXV, 

"  0  horror!  horror !  after  this  alliance, 
Let  tigers  match  with  hinds,  and  wolves  with  sheep; 
And  every  creature  couple  with  its  foe." 

«  While  other  douhlets  deviate  here  and  there, 
What  secret  handcuff  hinds  that  pretty  pair? 
Compactest  couple!  pressing  side  to  side  — 
Ah!  the  white  bonnet— that  reveals  the  bride." 

HUMANITY  is  pre-eminently  the  most  progressive  institu- 
tion of  this  nineteenth  century.  In  all  its  ramifications  of 
feeling,  thought,  and  action,  progress  is  the  law.     Especially 
was  this  true  of  the  "  New  Lights." 

In  no  direction  did  the  demonstrations  of  reform  make  such 
rapid,  far-reaching  strides,  as  in  the  line  of  matrimony.  The 
"strong-minded"  had  taken  the  initiati  by  demolishing  Hy- 
men's altar,  cutting  down  the  Idalian  Groves,  and  destroying 
the  "  high  places  of  marital  idolatry,"  where  the  little-winged 
god,  ever  since  the  days  of  good  mother  Eve,  was  wont  to  prac- 
tice his  skillful  archery.  But  this  was  merely  the  prelude. 
What  the  mundane  sisterhood  had  begun,  the  lady  spirits  com- 
pleted. The  sacred  myrtle,  planted  in  the  hot-bed  of  radical- 
ism, in  spite  of  the  bleakness  and  frigidity  of  this  terraqueous 
orb,  by  the  artificial  force  of  political  horticulture  and  spiritual 
chemicals,  extended  its  roots  into  the  more  genial  soil,  and 
308 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIX TH    CENTURY.    309 

reached  out  its  branches,  gracefully  waving,  into  the  ambrosial 
atmosphere  of  the  ever-sunny  Zones. 

Spiritual  Marriage  or  Free  Love-ism  was  the  highest  pinna- 
cle in  the  upward  progress  of  "development" — the  Mont 
Blanc  towering  in  solitary  grandeur,  whose  brow  dewy  morn 
and  blushing  eve  kiss  first  and  last;  whose  hoary  scalp,  though 
storm  swept  and  disheveled,  is  yet  encircled  with  the  eternal 
diadem  of  alternate  clouds  and  sunshine,  so  ethereal,  so  fairy, 

"So  softly  blending,  that  the  cheated  eye 
Forgets  on  which  is  earth  or  which  is  heaven." 

The  chief  medium  of  this  grand  spiritual  manifestation  was 
the  Legislature. 

The  Spherical  Fillibusters  had  conquered  the  annexation  of  ' 
Earth  to  the  Zones.  Carrying  out  legitimately  the  code  of  con- 
quest, they  claimed  for  themselves  at  least  a  share  in  the  coun- 
cils of  state.  Accordingly,  seats  were  awarded  lo  members  from 
the  Spheres.  Besides,  the  capitol  was  enlarged  by  the  addition 
of  a  magnificent  Chamber  of  Conference  or  Spiritual  Star- 
Chamber,  constructed  exclusively  for  spiritual  caucusing,  and 
the  reception  and  transmission  of  communications  by  spiritual 
telegraph,  express,  and  private  messengers. 

Unparalleled  was  the  galaxy  of  Spherical  Representatives. 
Queen  Elizabeth,  Empress  Catherine,  Queen  of  Sheba,  Jezebel, 
Queen  Dido,  Queen  Mab,  in  short,  the  whole  troop  of  "  strong- 
minded"  magnates  from  remotest  antiquity,  downwards. 

Among  the  doughfaces,  or,  to  use  a  more  charitable  term,  the 
impressible,  that  is  to  say,  the  adherents  of  the  new  administra- 
tion, Daniel  Webster,  Hvnry  C!:iy,  Dr.  Franklin,  John  Ran- 


310  LUCY   BOSTON. 

dolph,  Lord  Bacon,  Cicero,  Swedenborg,  King  Solomon,  Moses, 
Davy  Crockett,  Lorenzo  Dowe,  and  Joe  Smith,  all  of  whom, 
with  numerous  others  of  the  same  "  stripe,"  held  seats  in  the 
Legislature  through  their  respective  Mediums. 

Venus  and  Cupid  surrounded  by  the  Muses,  with  troops  of 
Nymphs  and  Graces,  thronged  the  lobbies  and  galleries. 

The  Spirituals  were  decidedly  the  Lyons  and  Lyoncsses  of 
both  Houses,  and  "  crushed  out"  every  thing  that  opposed  them. 

The  Matrimonial  Bill  had  been  passed  in  the  gross.  It  re- 
mained to  be  refined  and  sublimated  into  Spiritual  Marriage 
and  Free  Love-ism,  by  way  of  progressive  amendment.  It  was 
not  enough  to  disfranchise  the  Lords  of  Creation  matrimonial?!/, 
and  allow  their  fair  oppressors  the  right  of  choosing  a  solitary 
t  companion  and  compelling  him  to  submit  to  the  conjugal  yoke, 
howmuchsoever  repugnant  to  his  feelings,  his  tastes,  or  his 
affinities.  The  most  important,  spiritual,  and  holy  of  all  human 
institutions,  both  in  respect  to  its  intrinsic  character  and  extrinsic 
results,  could  not  be  left  in  so  crude  a  form  —  worthy  only  of 
pagans  the  most  benighted  and  undeveloped.  The  honor  of 
the  sex,  the  welfare  of  the  race,  and  the  glory  of  Spiritualism, 
demanded  its  all-perfect  consummation  in  the  doctrine  and  prac- 
tice of  Free  Love. 

Free  Love-ism !  Spiritual  Marriage !  Reader,  do  you  un- 
derstand and  appreciate  its  import  ?  Let  the  advocates  of  the 
highly-progressed  "  institution  "  expound  it. 

"  Marriage  is  the  law  of  heaven  ;  the  marriage  of  the  spirit 
is  the  only  marriage  to  abide  in  any  condition.  The  marriage 
institution  of  man  is  wrong,  and  must  be  annulled  ere  the  race 
is  redeemed. 


FOLLIES    OF   THE   X1XTH   CENTURY.    311 

*'  All  mankind  were  created  male  and  female,  in  pairs,  per- 
fectly mated.  The  male  generally  coines  upon  the  earth  first, 
and  is  older,  by  few  or  many  years  (the  difference  being  gene- 
rally from  five  to  twenty  years) ;  and  they  are  generally  located 
near  each  other,  so  that,  if  circumstances  be  favorable,  they  can 
meet  and  be  united. 

"  Unless  divinely  attracted  to  each  other  and  conjoined  in 
eternal  truth,  no  marriage  can  be  rightly  celebrated,  and  none 
other  will  prove  ought  but  miserable.  As  there  can  be  but  one 
proper  marriage,  so  there  can  only  be  one  marriage  on  the 
earth.  Man  and  woman  drawn  together  by  the  moral  interior 
of  their  natures,  and  driven  onwards  from  the  bosom  of  the 
Father  to  the  eternities,  shall  be  united  to  the  eternities  and 
never  severed.  Marriage  not  thus  consummated,  will  exist  but 
for  a  time,  but  when  eternity  breaks  upon  our  race,  every  man 
and  every  woman  shall  see  his  and  her  own  to  be  united  for- 
ever. 

"  Free  Love  is  like  the  outgushing  of  water  that  bubbles  froiia 
out  the  fountain  to  kiss  the  morning  air,  —  that  gives  itself  td 
its  own  in  holy  marriage,  free  only  from  the  despotism  of  man- 
nerism, and  from  care  of  the  thoughts  and  opinions  of  an  un- 
righteous society." 

Or,  to  be  more  specific,  if  we  rightly  comprehend  it,  Free 
Love  is  essentially  and  solely  a  spherical  element  —  one  of  the 
fundamental  spiritual  harmonies  —  a  primordial  inseparability 
of  the  eternities  —  a  primogenial  coefficient  of  the  supersensible 
Zones  —  a  cognate  principle  of  original  materiality,  flowing 
lineally  towards  matrimonial,  social,  and  moral  consonance  in 
the  universal  and  eternal  flux  of  things. 


312  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"In  conformity  with,  or  more  logically  speaking,  coexistent 
and  inseparable,  if  not  identical  with  this  ante-cosmological  or 
pre-existent  basis,  Free  Love  exists  and  springs  —  the  ideal  and 
the  actual,  the  simple  ontological  and  complex  phenomenal — 
spirito-material  entity  "  wiindividuated,"  or  spiricity  in  the 
lump,  radiating  into  individualities,  sensific,  rational  and  moral, 
or  spiricity  " individuated"  which  individuations  in  turn  col- 
lapse into  inseparability,  or  spiricity  perfection so  that 

conditional  plurality  becomes  absolute  singularity ;  that  is  to 
say,  abstract  duality  contracts  into  substantial,  conscious  unityj 
and  again  concrete  dualism  absorbs  and  terminates  itself  in  su- 
pra-spiritual totality  !  " 

To  make  it  still  more  perspicuous,  if  possible,  let  us  resort  to 
a  different  terminology. 

All  personal  identities  are  distinguishable  into  sexual  indi- 
vidualities. These  individualities  possess  original  conforma- 
tions differing  respectively  from  each  other,  in  endless,  wider 
and  infinitessimal  variety,  yet  under  the  plastic  force  of  dualistic 
law,  resolving  themselves  spontaneously  into  duads  or  counter- 
parts—  intellectual  and  moral,  physical,  affectional  and  connu- 
bial duplicates,  bating  the  gender. 

Thus  in  the  development  of  infinite  disagreement  is  mani- 
fested finite  agreement  —  amid  endless  repulsions,  individual 
polarities  attracted  to  the  point  of  magnetic  unity,  by  which 
limited  inherence,  coherence,  and  dependence,  out-crop  into 
personal,  absolute,  and  universal  independence.  In  other  words, 
throughout  the  heterogeneous  external  conglomeration  of  hu- 
manity in  the  "  form,"  there  is  the  development  of  pre-existent, 
antithetical  sexualities  —  spiritual  nebulae,  which  permeated 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    313 

and  surcharged  with  the  essence  of  elective  affinity,  mutually 
gravitate,  meet  and  cohere  into  conjugal  synthesis,  in  which 
process  subjective  affection  gushes  spontaneously  into  objective 
activity,  hastening  to  and  terminating  in  the  grand  ultimatum, 
the  ne  phis  ultra  development  of  unalloyed  spiricity  !  In  fine, 
to  render  the  whole  thing  transparent  to  even  the  opaque  sense 
of  the  most  undeveloped  mortals,  we  have  only  to  add,  that  Free 
Love  is  a  pre-existent  cause  of  which  true  matrimonial  alliance 
is  the  present  and  post-existent  effect,  in  the  direct  progression 
of  antecedent  and  consequent — the  a  posteriori  manifestation 
being  dependent  upon  and  governed  by  the  a  priori  fitness; 
whereby  the  physical,  metaphysical,  moral  and  social  economy 
is  conditioned,  developed  and  subordinated  by  the  spiritual. 

Such  is  the  rationale  of  Free  Love,  or  spiritual  husband- 
and-wife-ism ;  the  new  and  highly  advanced  theory  of  hyme- 
neal aesthetics,  or  the  feeling  of  the  beautiful  and  the  true,  the 
symphonious  and  the  beatific,  constituting  the  clairvoyance  of 
the  heart,  by  which  correspondent  nuptial  instincts  recognize 
each  other,  and  at  first  glance,  according  to  a  pre-established 
harmony,  meet  and  coalesce  in  the  most  affectionate  embrace ! 

A  bill  embracing  such  principles,  so  dissimilar  and  antago- 
nistic to  the  views  and  time-established  custom  of  all  civilized 
nations,  was,  to  say  the  least  of  it,  a  remarkable  novelty  in  the 
history  of  political  science.  Public  opinion  denounced  it  in 
unmeasured  terms,  not  only  as  delusion  and  folly,  but  the  flood- 
gate of  iniquity,  yet  was  it  put  forth  endorsed  by  all  the  Spir- 
ituals as  the  forerunner  and  glad  earnest  of  the  millennium. 

What  if  the  people  were  not  rife  for  the  measure?  What 
if  society  had  not  sufficiently  progressed  to  appreciate  and  wel- 
27 


314  LUCY   BOSTON. 

come  it  ?  What  if  it  did  materially  conflict  with  the  memora» 
ble  Marriage  Bill  previously  passed,  and  which  was  considered 
the  ultimatum,  the  final  and  perpetual  settlement  of  the  great 
question  ?  Development  must  progress.  Leading  spirits  de- 
veloped so  far  in  advance  of  the  age  can  not  wait  the  tardy 
movement  of  rudimental  mortals.  Legal  landmarks,  in  com- 
mon with  every  thing  else,  must  yield  to  the  high  swelling,  on- 
rushing  current  of  Progress. 

Long  and  heated  was  the  controversy  between  the  Sphericals 
and  the  most  radical  of  the  "  strong-minded  "  mundaneans,  on 
this  fundamental  and  very  delicate  topic j  the  latter  party  taking 
the  broad  ground  without  modification  or  compromise,  that  in 
no  instance  had  man  any  right  whatever  to  take  the  lead  in  tho 
science  and  art  of  matrimony,  in  any  of  its  phases,  either  of 
courtship,  wedlock  or  domestic  rule. 

But  the  Sphereites  were  by  no  means  disposed  to  succotub 
to  the  rudimentals,  for  spirits  can  be  tenacious  as  well  as  mortala 
in  the  flesh.  Indeed,  the  higher  the  degree  of  spiricity  tho 
greater  its  independence,  a  manifestation  which  might  easily 
be,  and  doubtless  often  is,  construed  into  obstinacy  by  those 
less  developed. 

Party  spirit  ran  high.  Hot  and  hotter  grew  the  contest, 
until  argument  gave  place  to  personalities,  zeal  to  animosity, 
threats  to  violence.  Slung-shot,  bowie  knives,  and  revolvers, 
material  and  spiritual,  were  brandished  profusely,  by  the  fiery 
legislative  gladiators,  foremost  and  fiercest  among  whom,  was 
Joe  Smith,  the  doughty  champion  of  polygamy,  and  for  his 
matchless  eminence  surnamed  the  Mighty  Joe. 

Challenges  to  mortal  combat  were  given  and  accepted.     But 


FOLLIES   OF   THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    315 

the  "authorities"  threatened  to  interfere,  the  political  sagea 
and  master  spirits  interposed  a  compromise,  the  il  code  of 
honor  "  received  the  go-by,  all  insults  were  mutually  pocketed, 
and  the  Free  Love  Bill  progressed.  In  prospect,  the  domestic 
economy  revised,  improved,  and  enlarged,  was  committed  to 
the  supervision  and  control  of  the  Zones. 

The  crisis  was  regarded  as  passed.  Although  not  fully  de- 
veloped in  form,  by  positive,  legal  enactment,  yet  spiritually, 
and  to  all  intents  and  purposes,  Free-wife-and-husband-ism  wag 
the  law  of  the  land. 

Behold  now  the  fruits  of  political  reform  !  Myrtle  boughs 
waved  over  the  heads,  rosebuds,  phlox,  and  jonquils  —  elo- 
quent symbols  — flourished  in  the  bosoms  and  button-holes  of 
the  spiritual  members,  and  carrier  doves  with  celestial  plu- 
mage fluttered  and  cooed  from  desk  to  desk. 

Free  Love  manifested  itself  in  the  fusion  of  the  hitherto  dis- 
cordant and  antagonistic  elements  of  both  Houses.  Members 
began  respectively  and  dualistically  to  discover  their  reciprocal 
internal  congeniality  and  aptitude,  so  that  ere  long  was  scarcely 
to  be  found  a  representative  without  a  spiritual  companion. 
Nor  were  the  developments  of  this  tremendous  stride  in  the 
onward  march  of  progress  limited  by  the  walls  of  the  capitol, 
or  the  bounds  of  the  legislature.  The  reform  spread  like  wild- 
fire. Everywhere  spirits  were  busy  as  bees,  in  promoting  the 
due  operation  of  the  about-to-be  new  enactment.  Young  men 
and  maidens,  bachelors  and  spinsters  with  blood  "  caked  and 
cold,"  felt  the  inward  warmth  and  motions  of  Free  Love.  Hus- 
bands and  wives  discovered,  to  their  astonishment  and  regret, 
that  they  were  mismatched — in  truth,  they  were  never  matched 


816  LTJCY   BOSTON. 

at  all — being  destitute  of  the  requisites  of  true  marriage,  that 
is,  neither  inherently  adapted  to  each  other,  nor  coherently  and 
divinely  attracted,  and  consequently  not  "conjoined  in  eternal 
truth."  How  unlike  genuine  spiritual  marriage,  in  which  not 
merely  the  artificial  ligaments  of  legislation  and  custom  harness 
together  the  parties  in  external  companionship  like  draught- 
animals,  but  where  above  and  antecedent  to  human  convention- 
alities, spirit  embraces  spirit  in  sweet  elective  affinity,  and  the 
affections,  instead  of  being  either  periodically  or  permanently 
at  loggerheads,  are  spiritually  dovetailed  and  glued  together  in 
perfect  and  indissoluble  union,at  once  demonstrating  the  beauty 
and  the  genius  of  pure  matrimonial  statics  and  dynamics  ! 

Witness  the  happy  doublet,  unattended  by  priest  or  squire, 
who,  like  heartless  mercenaries,  for  the  sake  of  the  fees,  yoke 
in  mock  wedlock  those  who,  from  equally  mercenary  or  other- 
wise unworthy  motives,  consent  to  the  farcial  performance  — 
witness,  we  say,  the  happy  doublet  as  in  spontaneous  conjunc- 
tion they  step  forth,  hand  in  hand,  heart  in  heart,  twain  in 
one,  and  recite  in  concert  the  formula  of  spiritual  marriage. 

"  Have  you  seen  the  morning  sunbeam  kiss  the  opening 
blossom  ?  Thus  did  our  spirits  meet  and  greet  at  the  first  in- 
terview; and  as  the  invisible  elements  of  nature  unite  and 
blend  in  one  harmonious  impulse,  so  are  our  spirits  affinitized 
into  one  accordant  living  force.  Whoever  are  thus  united  by 
the  eternal  laws  of  affinity,  naught  has  authority  to  separate. 
We  thus  introduce  ourselves  unto  you  in  the  relation  of  husband 
and  wife." 

Could  any  thing  short  of  the  Spheres  be  so  poetical,  pictur- 
esque and  hyper-romantic  ?  What  is  it  but  the  flower  of 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    317 

spiricity,  the  zenith  of  social  development,  the  sublime  climax 
of  domestic  aesthetics  ? 

This  presents  the  ultra-spiritual  phase  of  the  new  connubial 
manifestation.  Now  glance  at  the  Woman's  Rights  side  of 
the  picture. 

Hon.  Lucinda  Hardhead  and  Benny  H.  Brownwell  de- 
tecting in  each  other  corresponding  instincts,  and  a  reciprocal 
conformation  phrenological,  psycological,  amorous,  and  reform- 
atory, ascend  the  platform,  the  latter  led  by  the  former,  and 
face  to  face,  in  the  presence  of  heaven  and  the  world,  pro- 
nounce the  Bill  of  Rights,  constituting  them  respectively  each 
other's  "  lady  "  and  gentleman  duly  and  lawfully  united  for  all 
the  purposes  of  the  domestic  and  social  economy. 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  While  I  am  not  insensible  of  the  fact  that  am- 
atorial  spiricity  reciprocated,  constitutes  the  foundation  of  the  so- 
called  relationship  of  husband  and  wife,  now  assumed  by  us,  yet 
self-respect,  self-protection,  and  the  development  of  a  dominant 
principle  impel  us  to  the  following  Declaration  of  Rights  :" 

BENNY  :  —  "  While  I  acknowledge  the  institution  of  love 
and  marriage  which  makes  us  wife  and  husband,  yet  I  feel  com- 
pelled to  subscribe  to  the  following  declaration  of  rights  :  " 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  This  performance  implies,  on  my  part,  no  ac- 
knowledgment nor  promise  of  submission  to  any  authority  of 
my  servant." 

BENNY  :  —  "  This  performance  implies  on  your  part  no  ac- 
knowledgment nor  promise  of  submission  to  your  most  obe- 
dient servant." 

LUCINDA:  —  "Though  forming  a  matrimonial  union,  I  am 
still  free  and  independent." 
27* 


318  LTJCY   BOSTON. 

BENNY  :  —  "  Though  forming  a  matrimonial  union,  you  are 
still  free  and  independent." 

LUCINDA :  —  "No  gentUman  will  claim  superiority  over 
woman." 

BENNY:  —  "No  gentleman  will  claim  superiority  over 
woman." 

LUCINDA :  —  "No  honorable  man  will  so  degrade  his  com- 
panion as  to  call  her  by  the  vulgar  and  barbarous  name  of 
wife." 

BENNY :  —  "No  honorable  man  will  so  degrade  his  com- 
panion as  to  call  her  by  the  vulgar  and  barbarous  name  of 
wife." 

LUCINDA  :  —  "To  every  married  woman  belong,  as  inalienable 
rights"  — 

BENNY  : —  "To every  married  woman  belong,  as  inalienable 
rights"  — 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  The  absolute  headship  of  the  household." 
BENNY  :  —  "  The  absolute  headship  of  the  household." 
LUCINDA  :  —  "  The  exclusive  control  of  the  purse." 
BENNY  :  —  "  The  exclusive  control  of  the  purse." 
LUCINDA  :  —  "  The  entire  direction  of  all  matters  of  busi- 
ness." 

BENNY  :  — "  The  entire  direction  of  all  matters  of  busi- 
ness." 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  The  choice  of  residence  and  style  of  living." 
BENNY  :  —  "  The  choice  of  residence  and  style  of  living." 
LUCINDA  :  —  "  The  undisputed   privilege   of  visiting  and 
traveling  when  and  where,  and  as  long  as  inclination  prompts, 
or  gratification  demands." 


FOLLIES    OF   THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    319 

BENNY  :  —  "  The  undisputed  privilege  of  visiting  and  trav- 
eling when  and  where,  and  as  long  as  inclination  prompts,  or 
gratification  demands." 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  In  short,  the  unabridged  liberty  of  thinking, 
speaking,  and  acting,  or  the  contrary,  in  all  cases  whatsoever, 
according  to  the  dictates  of  her  own  judgment  or  pleasure;  in 
other  words,  as  she  pleases." 

BENNY:  —  "In  short,  the  unabridged  liberty  of  thinking, 
speaking,  and  acting,  or  the  contrary,  in  all  cases  whatsoever, 
according  to  the  dictates  of  her  own  judgment  or  pleasure;  in 
other  words,  as  she  pleases." 

LUCINDA  :  —  "  In  all  cases  of  domestic  difficulties —  should 
any  chance  to  arise  —  becoming  gallantry,  courtesy,  and  a 
proper  regard  for  peace  in  the  family,  will  require  the  male  to 
yield  his  opinions  and  preferences,  but  where  such  reasonable 
acquiescence  is  refused,  it  shall  be  referred  to  the  neighbors, 
to  decide  the  question  between  the  contending  parties,  and 
whose  decision  shall  be  final." 

BENNY  :  —  "In  all  family  quarrels  it  belongs  to  the  husband 
to  submit  to  his  '  better-half ; '  but  when  in  judgment  and  con- 
science he  feels  bound  to  stand  his  ground,  the  neighbors  shall 
be  called  in  to  settle  the  difficulty,  and  from  their  decision  there 
shall  be  no  appeal." 

LUCINDA:  —  "Finally,  we  record  our  solemn  protest 
against  the  old  laws,  rules,  and  customs,  matrimonial  and 
domestic,  which  at  best  are  but  a  nuisance  and  a  pest;  the 
rotten  relics  of  unprogressed  heathenism.  Furthermore,  as  ra- 
tional, independent  beings,  in  the  progressive  spirit  of  legisla- 
tive, social  and  moral  reform,  we  individually  and  mutually 


320  LUCY    BOSTON. 

abjure  and  set  at  defiance  all  control,  rule,  or  restraint,  in  our 
associated  capacity,  save  the  foregoing  articles  of  our  matrimo- 
nial creed  and  co-partnership." 
BENNY  :1 —  "  Amen." 

^Signed),  LUCINDA  HARDHEAD. 

BENNY  H.  BROWNWELL. 

•  . 

Supplementary  to  this  nuptial  manifesto  and  the  delivery  of 
marriage  certificates,  by  statute,  in  such  cases  made  and  provid- 
ed, how  highly  dramatic  and  impressive  the  sealing  ceremony 
in  ratification  of  the  conjugal  alliance. 

"  Benny  dear,  my  salutation  !  which  makes  us  twain  a  unit. 
Manifest  your  loyalty,"  exclaims  the  bride  with  severe  dignity, 
at  the  same  time  dealing  him  a  smart  blow  on  the  cheek  with 
her  open  palm  —  most  earnest  and  significant  for  a  "  love-tap/' 
surely. 

"  The  league  is  struck.  Accept  the  pledge  of  my  troth,  thou 
light  of  my  eyes!  my  'better  half  and  stronger  three-quar- 
ters !  Witness  all  ye  spheres,  rudimental  and  supernal,  the 
fealty  I  owe  and  vow  to  my  liege  mistress,  whose  throne  is  my 
shrine,  whose  footstool  my  throne,"  responded  the  groom  with 
the  utmost  meekness  and  docility,  falling  on  his  knees  and  ar- 
dently pressing  to  his  lips  the  empty  glove  of  his  goddess-like 
spouse. 

Hon.  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Hardhead  thus  connubially  devcl<  pad 
according  to  the  great,  eternal  law  of  spiritical  harmonics,  pro- 
gress at  once  into  the  honeymoon.  That  honeymoon  !  How 
shall  we  describe  it?  0  for  the  descriptive  power  of  the  high- 
est poetic  and  sentimental  spiricity,  with  pen  plucked  from 


FOLLIES   or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    321 

Cupid's  wing  and  dipped  in  the  quintessence  of  all  celestial 
sweets,  and  fairy  fingers  to  lend  their  charm  in  delineation  of 
the  blissful  picture  !  Wish,  how  vain  !  and  never  to  be  real- 
ized, till  the  Fathers  and  Mothers  of  eloquence  and  song  de- 
scend in  their  combined  and  concentrated  mellifluence  from  the 
empyrean  of  the  Seventh  Sphere.  Shall  we  then  —  although 
the  medium  of  prophetic  history,  yet  as  a  chronicler  in  the 
"form,"  at  best  and  of  necessity  but  partially  progressed  — 
shall  we  venture  upon  a  theme  so  intensely  and  delicately  ex- 
quisite, only  to  belittle  and  caricature  it,  with  our  rudimental 
goosequill  ?  Ye  gods  and  goddesses  of  Celestial  Parnassus,  save 
us  the  daring,  presumptuous,  sacrilegious  thought!  But  if  we 
may  not  tread  with  vulgar,  rudimental  feet  upon  the  enchanted 
ground  of  that  honeymoon,  we  may  be  permitted,  as  an  author- 
ized historian,  to  follow  in  the  trail  of  Mrs.  Hardhead  and^cn- 
tleman  for  a  short  space,  with  pencil  and  note  book. 

"We  modestly  forbear,  however,  to  extend  our  narrative,  or 
push  our  researches  within  the  sanctum-sanctorum  of  family 
privacy,  notwithstanding  the  dpmestic  archives  would  yield  rare 
treasures,  to  enrich  and  adorn  our  page. 

The  scene  before  the  curtains  is  sufficiently  indicative  of 
what  passed  behind  them.  But  whatever  else  may  have  trans- 
pired there  in  relation  to  opinion  and  authority,  there  is  no- 
reasonable  ground  for  the  presumption  that  any  altercations 
ever  occurred,  inasmuch  as  Mr.  Hardhead  privately,  and  on  the 
hymenial  platform,  publicly  entered  into  bonds  to  keep  the 
family  peace ;  while  Mrs.  Hardhead  very  prudently  reserved  for 
herself,  under  perpetual  guaranty,  the  right  —  and  that  an  in- 
alienable one  —  of  always  consulting  her  own  will  and  pleasure 


322  LUCY    BOSTON. 

without  dictation  or  interference  from  her  minor   "  half"  and 
weaker  one-quarter. 

Installed  as  sovereign,  in  doors  and  out,  and  firmly  enthroned 
in  her  isolated  supremacy,  not  only  domestically,  but  to  the 
extent  of  Mr.  Hardhead's  sphere  of  political  and  business  rela- 
tions, Lucinda  could  with  emphasis  adopt  the  language  of  the 
great  Selkirk, 

"  I  am  monarch  of  all  I  survey, 
My  right  there  is  none  to  dispute." 

Only  upon  a  solitary  occasion  —  and  that  before  the  days  of 
the  honeymoon  were  ended  —  did  it  happen  otherwise,  when, 
under  a  sudden  impulse  occasioned  by  the  expiring  struggle 
for  his  manhood,  Benny  so  far  forgot  himself  as  to  venture 
the  suggestion  to  his  fair  yoke-mate,  that  she  had  by  far  the 
longest  end  of  the  lever. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Hardhead,"  said  he  with  an  effort  at  manly 
independence,  "  if  I  do  not  misapprehend,  you  claim  to  hold 
the  balance  of  power  in  everything  appertaining  to  our  co-part- 
nership." 

"  Pray  sir,"  responded  she,  "  where  should  the  balance  of 
power  lie,  if  not  in  the  natural  and  legal  head  of  our  domestic 
and  social  commonwealth  ?  " 

"  Very  true,  Mrs.  H ,  but  who  is  the  natural  and  legal 

'  head?  That  is  the  question." 

"  That  was  the  question,  but  it  is  not  now,  and  what  is  more, 
sir,  it  never  shall  be." 

"But  you  seem  imperative.". 

"  And  you  seem  impertinent." 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    323 

"  Ten  thousand  pardons,  my  dear  Mrs.  Hardhead,  I  meant 
not  the  slightest  disrespect,  but — hem — I  —  it — " 

"  But  —  you  —  it  —  what  ?  " 

"  If  I  may  speak  it,  my  dearest  Mrs.  H ,  I  will.  To 

tell  the  truth,  in  spite  of  myself,  the  feeling  will  keep  constantly 
coming  over  me,  that  we  are  somewhat  unequally  yoked  to- 
gether." 

"Indeed!" 

"  I  mean  we  are  not  exactly  even." 

"Indeed!" 

"  That  is  to  say,  we  are  not  entirely  one."  I  have  been 
thinking  of  what  the  Bible  says  about  marriage,  that  "  they 
twain"  —  meaning  husband  and  wife  —  "shall  be  one  flesh." 

"  The  Bible !  Don't  beset  me  with  any  of  your  old  hea- 
then fables,"  exclaimed  Lucinda,  with  a  toss  of  the  head,  and 
a  curl  of  the  lip. 

"  Spare  the  '  good  book '  such  disrespectful  epithets,  Mrs  H.," 
responded  he;  "it  claims  to  be  a  divine  revelation,  and  on 
very  good  grounds,  itfeppears  to  me  —  at  least,  I  am  thinking 
better  of  it  than  I  was." 

"  And  I  am  thinking  worse  of  it,  if  possible.  Divine  reve- 
lation !  For  pity's  sake,  inform  me  what  makes  you  think  it 
divine  ?  " 

"  It  is  so  full  of  common  sense." 

"  So  full  of  nonsense,  more  like.  Pray  wherein  do  you 
find  its  superabundance  of  common  sense?" 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  how  to  express  it  any  better  than  the 
fitness  of  things  which  it  teaches.  It  puts  every  thing  and 
every  person  exactly  in  the  right  place." 


324  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  Ah  !  I  understand.  The  old  creed  :  '  Wives,  submit  your- 
selves unto  your  owu  husbands.  For  the  husband  is  the  head 
of  the  wife.  That  they  may  teach  the  young  women  to  love 
their  husbands,  to  love  their  children,  to  be  keepers  at  home, 
good,  obedient  to  their  own  husbands/  and  so  on.  This  makes 
up  your  sum  total  of  divine  revelation,  I  suppose,  but  which 
I  say, is,  of  itself,  sufficient  to  stamp  your  Book  of  God  a  libel 
on  common  justice  and  propriety,  not  to  say  decency.  Such 
sentiments !  Why,  they  make  God  stultify  himself,  absolute- 
ly. Confucius,  or  even  St.  Paul — who  claims  for  himself 
their  inspired  authorship  —  unprogressed  heathen  though  he 
was,  among  heathen,  ought  to  have  blushed  with  shatue  to 
teach  a  doctrine  so  utterly  monstrous  and  revolting." 

"  But  do  you  rank  the  Apostle  Paul  with  Confucius  ?" 

"  And  why  not,  pray  ?  " 

"  Was  not  Paul  divinely  inspired,  as  he  claimed  to  be  ?  " 

''No  more  so — not  so  much,  as  was  Confucius,  without 
claiming  to  be.  But  why  set  yourself  up  to  argue  the  case. 
There  are  the  papers,  sir,"  said  the  Hoil  Mrs.-H.,  with  an  air 
of  triumph,  showing  him  the  "  Bill  of  Rights,"  signed  and 
sealed. 

Mr.  Hardhead  was  speechless.  He  had  tied  his  own  hands ; 
thrust  his  own  neck  into  the  yoke,  and  there  seemed  no  alter- 
native for  him  but  submission.  Poor  man  !  But  why  demur 
or  repine  at  his  domestic  vassalage  ?  Was  it  not  ordained,  alike 
by  legal  statute  and  the  law  of  development,  converging  to  the 
focal  point  of  Woman's  Rights?  With  such  elements,  ordi- 
nant  and  subordinate,  entering  into,  and  forming  the  base  of 
the  newly-organized  nuptial  "  institution,"  how  beautiful  and 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    325 

imposing  —  how  worthy  of  paradise  itself,  the  superstructure 
of  every-day  life  must,  of  necessit}',  have  been,  it  needs  not  a 
very  fruitful  imagination  to  fancy. 

As  part  and  parcel  of  the  honeymoon,  Hon.  Mrs.  Hardhead 
and  gentleman  could  by  no  means  dispense  with  the  bridal 
tour.  Did  not  our  prescribed  limits  forbid  it,  we  should  de- 
light to  follow  the  illustrious  pair,  and  take  notes,  which  might 
easily  be  elaborated  into  the  most  interesting  "  Book  of 
Travels." 

Suffice  it  to  say,  Mrs.  and  Mr.  Hardhead,  wherever  they 
went,  were  the  "  observed  of  all  observers."  As  the  pioneers 
of  matrimonial  reform,  under  the  operation  of  the  new  mar- 
riage code,  and  the  Hon.  Lucinda  being  herself  a  princess 
among  the  magnates  of  the  State,  they  were  greeted  all  along 
their  route  with  overwhelming  congratulations.  Their  journey 
was  a  continuous  fete.  Chief  of  all,  Governor  Lucy  honored 
them  with  a  soiree  magnificently  grand.  Bright 

"  The  lamps  shone  o'er  brave  women  and/at'r  men," 
and  to  the  most,  voluptuous  music  tripped  the  "  light  fantastic 
toe,"  while  hundreds  —  and  among  them  the  chief  notabilities 
of  the  Spheres,  not  excepting  the  Mermaid  —  crowded  to  the 
reception  room,  with  eager  rivalry  in  paying  their  addresses 
to  the  Lioness  of  the  evening. 

Gov.  Boston  entertained  the  concourse  with  a  speech  singu- 
larly appropriate  to  the  occasion,  and  which  was  unanimously 
pronounced  one  of  her  most  brilliant  efforts.  The  Mermaid, 
through  her  Medium,  followed  in  a  neat  strain  of  blank  verse, 
with  which,  did  it  not  appear  invidious  or  partial,  we  should 
not  fail  to  treat  the  reader. 
28 


326  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Time  continued  to  progress,  and  so  did  Hon.  Mrs.  Hardhead 
and  gentleman,  she  mainly  by  public  harangues,  to  enlighten 
mankind,  at  twenty -five  cents  a  head,  and  he,  as  her  "good 
man  Friday,"  in  the  capacity  of  ticket-peddler  and  doorkeeper, 
But  in  matrimony,  as  in  every  thing  else,  the  physical  was 
destined  to  succumb  to  the  spiritual.  Human  enactments 
could  neither  forestall,  nor  supplant,  nor  impede  the  uni- 
versal and  higher  law  of  development.  In  the  ever  onward 
operation  of  this  law,  the  manifestation  was  evolved  that  no 
woman  has  any  right  to  live  with  her  husband,  unless  she  loves 
him  spiritually  as  well  as  physically ;  that  DO  man  is  under  ob- 
ligation to  live  with  his  wife,  unless  he  loves  her  spiritually  as 
well  as  physically,  and  that  whenever  they  may  chance  to  meet 
another,  whom  they  can  love  better,  it  is  evidence  conclusive 
that  they  are  not  spiritually  united,  and  hence  they  are  morally 
bound  to  forsake  each  other,  and  cleave  to  the  newly-discovered 
object  of  their  affection.  Such  abandonment  —  no  matter  how 
often  —  it  is  equally  their  duty  to  practice,  as  long  as  they  re- 
main in  the  form,  that  is  to  say,  till  they  die,  and  are  born 
into  the  Spheres.  So  simple,  easy,  and  delightful  a  method  of 
righting  the  wronged,  of  banishing  inequalities,  and  securing 
equilibrium  and  harmony  to  the  social  system,  was  hailed  with, 
joy  by  multitudes  of  every  class  and  condition,  but  by  none- 
more  than  those  of  upper-ten-dom. 

As  under  the  physical  organism  of  the  "  strong-minded 7> 
Marriage  Law,  Mr.  Hardhead  had  been  first  of  the  victims  led 
to  the  altar,  so  was  he  among  the  first  to  lead  off  the  purely 
spiritual  figure,  leaving  the  Hon.  Lucinda  to  look  elsewhere 
for  her  spiritual  servant. 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    327 

Rapidly  did  the  Progressionists  multiply,  and  infinite  were 
the  speculations,  on  all  hands,  in  reference  to  this  new  and 
highly  developed  phase  of  spiricity. 

It  is  true  as  trite,  that  "  a  single  fact  is  worth  a 
theories,"  but  where  theory  and  facts  correspond,  they  together 
are  worth  vastly  more.  Take  an  example,  reader,  and  contem- 
plate it  calmly.  Mr.  P was  a  gentleman  of  respectability 

and  wealth,  owning  and  occupying  a  beautiful  villa  on  the 
shore  of  the  Hudson,  where  nature,  in  profusion,  has  mingled 
beauty  with  sublimity.  Art  and  science  vied  with  nature,  and 
lent  all  their  'embellishments  to  complete  the  scene  of  enchant- 
ment that  bloomed  around  him.  Partners  with  him  in  the  en- 
joyment of  his  paradise,  were  the  wife  of  his  youth,  a  son, 
noble,  generous,  full  of  promise,  and  a  daughter,  just  entering 
the  bloom  of  womanhood,  beautiful,  virtuous,  and  loving. 
They  were,  altogether,  a  most  lovely  and  happy  family,  al- 
though not,  as  yet,  spiritually  developed.  But  Spiritualism, 
all  pervading  and  progressive,  at  length  found  its  way  into  this 
domestic  Eden,  this  home  of  peace,  tranquillity,  and  innocence. 
Manifestations  ensued,  mysterious  and  c6nvincing.  The  whole 

family,  except  Mrs.  P ,  became  proselytes  to  the  new  faith, 

and  the  magnificent  mansion  was  soon  converted  into  a  rendez- 
vous for  the  Progressionists,  who  styled  themselves  "  Literals," 
for  what  reason  it  is  not  exactly  clear. 

Mr.  P progressed  with  great  rapidity  to  the  attainment 

of  a  high  degree  of  spiricity.  As  a  consequence,  his  compan- 
ion was  not  congenial.  The  spirits  pointed  out  to  him  his 
spiritual  partner,  and  by  unmistakeable  communications,  en- 


828  LtrcT    BOSTON. 

joined  upon  him  to  take  her,  and  progress,  having  first  appro- 
priated his  estate  to  the  "  common  fund." 

So  thoroughly  spiritualized  had  he  become,  as  to  render  it 
morally  impossible  for  him,  allowing  he  had  the  disposition,  to 
resist  or  disregard  the  mandates  of  the  Spirits. 

"  I  have  had  a  new  revelation,"  said  Mr.  P ,  one  even- 
ing, to  his  "  physical "  companion,  as  they  were  taking  their  ac- 
customed walk  in  the  garden. 

"  Another  revelation  !  And  what  is  it,  pray  ?  "  responded 
she,  in  a  pleasant  tone, 

"  Why,  madam,  that  we  are  not  properly  amnitized,  and 
V  therefore  we  have  never  been,  neither  can  we  be,  united  in  true 
marriage." 

11 0,  my  husband  ! "  exclaimed  she,  throwing  her  arms  about 
his  neck  and  bursting  into  a  flood  of  tears. 

"  You  are  mistaken,  I  am  not  your  husband,  I  belong  to 
another,"  persisted  he  unmoved,  and  coolly  endeavoring  to  dis- 
engage himself  from  her  embrace. 

"Not  my  husband?  —  Not  my  husband ?  —  Were  not  our 
souls  united  from  the  days  of  our  youth  ?  Did  we  not  stand 
together  at  the  holy  altar  and  plight  our  vows  as  the  man  of 
God  pronounced  us  husband  and  wife  ?  And  have  we  not  lived 
together  in  fidelity  and  happiness  ?  Are  not  our  dear  children 
the  sweet  pledges  of  our  love  ?  You  are  my  husband,  my  own 
beloved  j  and  I  am  your  wife  by  the  laws  of  God  and  man,  and 
nation's  strongest,  holiest  ties." 

"Do  not  persist,  madam,  —  the  revelation  is  clear — the 
t  spirits  are  imperative  and  I  must  not  disobey  —  good  bye  —  " 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    329 

and  deliberately  disengaging  himself  from  her  grasp,  he  left 
her,  fallen  to  the  ground  in  a  state  of  insensibility.  Steadfast 
and  immovable  in  the  faith,  without  once  looking  back,  he 
progressed,  and  taking  his  neighbor's  wife  as  his  spiritual  com- 
panion, emigrated  to  the  city  of  Mormon,  the  highest  circle  of 
the  Rudimental  Sphere,  and  where  polygamy  was  in  full  blast. 

Mrs.  P ,  still  lying  in  a  state  of  helplessness,  more  like 

death  than  a  swoon,  was  fortunately  discovered  by  her  children 
as  they  were  returning  from  a  ramble  in  the  park.  In  the  ut- 
most alarm  and  tender  concern  they  succeeded  in  removing  her 
to  the  house,  where,  by  proper  restoratives,  she  was  at  length 
able  to  answer  the  anxious  inquiries  of  her  children  as  to  the 
occasion  of  her  sudden  illness. 

"  Your  poor  father  is  deranged  —  what  will  become  of  him 
—  hasten,  0  my  son,  find  him,  bring  him  home  again  that  we 
may  care  for  and,  if  possible,  restore  him  to  reason." 

"Do  not  give  yourself  unnecessary  trouble  about  father. 
His  guardian  spirit  will  guide  and  protect  him  a  great  deal 
better  than  I  can,"  replied  he  with  singular  unconcern,  his  alarm 
having  all  at  once  ceased  upon  learning  the  cause  of  his  mother's 
indisposition. 

"  0  my  son  !  my  son  !  what  dreadful  infatuation  !  How  can 
it  be  ?  Where  will  it  end  ?  "  exclaimed  she,  incapable  of  com- 
prehending such  highly-developed  spiricity.  "  Dear  daughter," 
continued  the  disconsolate  mother,  "  forgive  your  brother.  He 
knows  not  what  he  says.  Go  yourself,  my  child.  Seek  your 
poor  father  and  entice  him  home  ere  some  fatal  accident  befalls 
Lim." 


330  .  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"  0,  there  is  no  danger,  mother." 

•  "  As  you  love  him,  as  you  love  us  all  —  our  peace,  our  hap- 
piness, our  lives,  linger  not  —  seek  and  bring  your  father. 
Your  brother  will  stay  by  me  till  you  return." 

"  Mother,  you  give  yourself  altogether  unnecessary  trouble ; 
father  is  not  crazy.  He  is  obeying  the  spirits.  They  will  take 
care  of  him  infinitely  better  than  we  can,"  replied  she  with 
strange  indifference  and  want  of  feeling. 

"  0  my  children  !  you  are  all  run  mad.  This  terrible  delu- 
sion has  bereft  you  of  reason.  Our  happy  home  is  changed  to 
an  insane  hospital.  Oh,  how  changed  !  Your  father  !  "  — 

"  You  are  the  only  crazy  one,"  retorted  the  daughter.  "  We 
are  rational.  You  are  blind.  We  see  with  spirit  eyes." 

"  0,  my  daughter,  why  torture  me  thus.  Every  word  you 
utter  is  a  dagger  in  my  heart.' 

"  The  trouble  is,  mother,  you  are  unprogressed,  and  of  course 
uncongenial.  That  is  why  we  appear  so  strange  to  you.  Nor 
is  it  all  appearance.  We  are  indeed  estranged,  because  there 
is  a  want  of  harmony  between  us." 

"  But  are  you  not  my  own  dear  children,  in  whom  my  very 
soul  is  bound  up?" 

"Brother  and  I  are  your  children,  it  is  true,  but  I  am  sorry 
to  say  we  are  not  spiritual  children." 

"  Forbear,  my  child,  forbear.     I  cannot  comprehend  you." 

"  I  mean  you  and  father  were  never  divinely  married.  You 
could  not  be,  for  you  are  not  congenial.  He  is  spiritual,  you 
are  rudimental,  and  that  is  why  he  has  left  you.  I  heard  the 
spirits  tell  him  all  about  it,  and  they  pointed  out  to  him  his 
spiritual  companion,  with  whom,  by  their  direction,  he  has 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    331 

gone  to  live  in  harmony.  And  what  is  more,  my  spiritual 
husband  will  be  here  this  evening  to  take  me  home  with 
him." 

"  0  no,  you  will  not  —  cannot — " 

"  Yes,  the  spirits  direct  me  to  go,  and  I  must  not  disobey 
them." 

The  mother,  overcome  by  the  power  of  these  sudden,  un- 
looked  for  manifestations,  relapsed  into  insensibility.  And 
when,  at  last,  she  awoke  again  to  consciousness,  it  was  only  to 
witness  new  and  more  overwhelming  developments.  She  gazed 
around  in  search  of  her  beloved  daughter,  but  saw  her  not. 
She  called  her  name  imploringly,  but  there  was  no  answer. 

"  Where  is  your  sister  ?  "  inquired  she  of  her  son  as  he  en- 
tered the  room. 

"  I  cannot  tell,"  was  the  careless  answer. 

11  But  do  you  not  know  ?  " 

"  If  I  did  I  would  tell  you." 

"  Is  she  not  at  home  ?  " 

"  I  presume  she  is." 

"Where?" 

"  With  her  spiritual  husband." 

"  She  is  not  gone  ?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  To  return  no  more  ?  " 

"  Not  to  remain." 

"Merciful  God! — have  pity!  forgive  my  child!  —  Gone 
—  all  gone  ?  —  No  —  not  all,  thank  Heaven.  My  own  dear 
boy  is  with  me  —  a  solace  and  support." 

He  made  no  reply. 


382  LUCY   BOSTON. 

"  Who  is  that,  my  son,"  inquired  the  mother,  observing  a 
female  in  the  adjoining  room. 

"  A  stranger  to  you  —  Mrs.  A ,  from  the  city." 

"Why  is  she  here?" 

"  To  claim  me  as  her  spiritual  husband." 

"  But  you  will  not  go  with  her  ?  " 

"  I  must.     The  spirits  direct  it." 

"  And  what  if  they  do  ?  " 

"  I  cannot  refuse  nor  disregard  their  counsels." 

"  No  matter  what  the  sacrifice  ?  " 

"  It  makes  no  difference." 

"Not  even  to  save  the  life  of  the  mother  who  bore 
you?" 

"The  spirits  command  me,  and  they  know  what  is  for  the 
best." 

"  Then  you,  too,  will  leave  your  poor  mother,  the  sole  inhabi- 
tant of  our  once  happy  home,  to  linger  a  wretched  existence  or 
sink  unmourned  into  her  lonely  grave." 

"  Only  believe  in  Spiritualism,"  said  he,  apparently  un- 
affected, "and  all  will  be  well  enough.  You  will  find  a  spir- 
/  itual  husband  to  take  care  of  you.  As  to -our  home  and  the 
property,  father  has  conveyed  it  all  for  the  furtherance  of 
Spiritualism." 

"  What !  sold  our  home  ?  " 

"  No,  gave  it  away." 

"  How  do  you  know  that  ?  " 

"  He  told  me  so,  and  I  saw  the  deed." 

"0  God!  my  last  prop  taken  away.  Gone  —  all  —  all 
goue  !  Husband  —  children  —  home  —  happiness  —  reason  — 


FOLLIES    or   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    333 

ha  !  ha  !  ha  !     My  spiritual  husband  !    Where  is  he  ?    Spirits,    y 
bring  him  !     Ha !  ha  !  here  he  comes.  —  Gone  —  all  gone  — 
ha!  ha!  ha!  — 

Mrs.  P was  conveyed  to  the  Insane  Asylum,  a  hopeless 

lunatic.  Any  one  passing  the  door  of  her  cell  might  hear  her 
disconsolate  moan,  —  "  Gone  —  gone  —  all  gone  "  —  followed 
by  the  maniac  laugh,  as  she  greeted  her  spiritual  husband. 

Let  not  feeling  be  excited  nor  prejudice  be  aroused  in  any 
one,  against  the  "  institution  "  of  Spiritualism,  by  the  perusal      /" 
of  this  narrative.     It  is  only  one  case  among  thousands  neces- 
sarily occurring,  in  the  progressive  economy  of  the  supreme, 
deific  law  of  Development. 

What  if  the  Bible  does  denounce  polygamy  as  an  abomina- 
tion ?  Spiritualism  is  higher  authority  than  the  Bible.  What 
though  the  Saviour  has  declared  that  "  what  God  hath  joined 
together,  let  not  man  put  asunder  ?  "  Are  not  the  spiritual- 
istic Rallies  greater  than  Jesus  Christ  ?  What  if  human  laws 
are  treated  as  a  nullity  ?  Spiritualism  is  a  "  law  unto  itself." 
What  if  society  be  disorganized?  It  is  to  construct  a  better  ^ 
system.  What  if  youth  and  beauty  are  hastened  to  premature 
decay,  and  innocence  and  virtue  perish  ?  Is  it  not  the  intro- 
duction to  higher  scenes  of  enjoyment,  a  more  exalted  state  of 
spiricity  ?  What  though  God  and  religion,  morality,  civiliza- 
tion and  civil  government  be  repudiated  as  exploded  humbugs? 
What  though  the  brightest  hopes  be  wrecked,  hearts  crushed, 
families  ruined,  and  homes  made  desolate  ?  What  though  envy 
and  suspicion,  distrust  and  jealousy,  cupidity,  lust,  immorality, 
and  crime,  follow  in  the  train  of  the  "new  philosophy,"  peo- 
pling alms-houses,  insane  asylums,  penitentiaries,  and  the  grave, 


334  LUCY    BOSTON. 

with  wretched  victims  ?  What  are  all  these  things  but  minor 
evils  attendant  upon  a  greater  good,  mere  contingencies  ne- 
cessarily inseparable  with  the  eternal  law  of  Development  in 
its  upward  progress  and  expansion  from  the  physical  to  the 
spiritual,  the  rudimental  to  the  supernal  ?  Must  not  the  old 
heavens  pass  away  before  the  new  can  succeed ;  and  can  the  old 
be  demolished  without  a  mighty  crash  ? 

Then  banished  be  all  unbelief,  and  hushed  every  voice  of  com- 
plaint. But  if  scepticism  will  rave,  if  gross  human  nature  does 
cry  out  against  the  developments  of  Spiritualism,  what  is  it  but 
the  friction  of  materialism  grinding  its  way  into  spiricity,  hu- 
manity shaking  off  the  form  in  its  birth-struggle  into  the 
Spheres  ? 
L — 


CHAPTEE    XXVI. 

'•'  I  have  no  spur 

To  prick  the  sides  of  my  intent,  but  only 
Vaulting  ambition,  which  o'crleaps  itself, 
And  falls  on  the  other  side." 

IN  the  ever  onward  flow  and  complicated  evolutions  of  Pro- 
gress, another  New  Light,  which  had  twinkled  an  unde- 
veloped nucleus  on  the  shadowy  outskirts  of  the  Zones,  now 
driven  by  the  impulse  of  its  own  spontaneous  energy,  and 
drawn  onward  by  the  All-Central-Force,  in  the  circle  of  its  as- 
cension, with  the  suddenness  of  light  springing  from  the  bosom 
of  darkness,  wheeled  its  broad  disc  upon  our  moral  horizon  in 
the  person  of  Judge  Addlehead,  prince  and  chief  of  the  Celes- 
tial Rabbies,  the  Gamaliel  of  Spiritdoin,  and  the  Arch  Prophet 
of  the  Latter  Day. 

As  Doct.  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman,  holding  grim  Death  at 
arm's  length,  was  the  all-healer  of  the  bodies,  so  was  Judge 
Addlehead  the  Saviour  of  the  souls  of  men.  These  twin  celeb- 
rities, strictly  speaking,  were  not  so  much  distinct  and  separate 
identities,  as  different  manifestations  or  phases  of  an  identical 
principle ;  a  sort  of  Vishnu  or  compound  embodiment  ot  the 
self-same  law  of  development. 

The  Judge,  by  the  appointment  of  the  spirits,  stood  forth  the 
divine  exponent  of  theology  and  ethics,  physics  and  meta- 
physics. 

Ah,  how  the  dense  fogs  of  ignorance  and  superstition,  en- 
(335) 


336  LUCY   BOSTON. 

veloping  our  poor  world,  fled  before  the  light  of  his  genius,  and 
how  like  a  mighty  balloon  it  bounded  aloft  into  the  cloudless 
sunshine  of  the  Spheres  as  with  his  spiritual  broad-axe  he  sev- 
ered at  a  blow  the  cords  that  hitherto  had  lashed  it  down,  amid 
the  darkness  and  chaos  of  scepticism  ! 

Indeed,  the  Judge  was  the  prime  moral  and  metaphysical 
phenomenon  of  the  nineteenth  century.  In  his  capacious  cra- 
nium centered  all  intelligence,  poured  in  there  by  spirit  influ- 
ence, and  whence  it  emanated  in  swelling  octavos,  to  enlighten, 
purify,  elevate  and  redeem  our  benighted,  misery-stricken 
world  —  te  develop  our  undeveloped  race. 

How  poor,  degraded,  bigoted,  priest-ridden  rudimentals  hailed 
his  highly-progressed  incarnation,  as  the  mighty  Revelator  and 
Almighty  Saviour,  let  the  following  epistles  attest : 


•    Rudimental  Sphere,  3d  Circle. 
4th  month  —  76 

DEAR  JUDGE  : 

I  sincerely  beg  your  pardon  for  this  intrusion  upon  the  no- 
tice of  so  great  a  personage  as  yourself.  Spiritualism  leads  me 
to  address  you.  My  desire  to  write  you  has  increased  to  such 
a  pitch  that  I  can  no  longer  resist  it.  We  are  indeed,  person- 
ally, strangers  to  each  other,  but  I  am  familiar  with  your  ex- 
alted position  and  great  and  fast-growing  reputation.  So  you 
will  allow  me  the  privilege  of  inditing  you  a  letter 

When  my  husband  died  last  month,  I  was  a  most  aban- 
doned sceptic.  I  would  not  so  much  as  turn  my  head  over 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    337 

my  shoulder  to  witness  all  the  "manifestations"  ever  got  up, 
or  any  other  humbug.  So  I  said,  and  so  I  felt  then.  But 
when  I  looked  my  dead  husband  in  the  face  —  wonderful  to 
relate  —  I  could  scarcely  help  leaping  for  joy,  so 'ecstatic  was 
the  thrill  of  delight  which  filled  my  every  sense,  and  I  feel  it 
more  and  more  every  day. 

Now  is  not  this  a  manifestation  !  I  think  it  must  be.  At 
any  rate,  it  convinces  me  of  the  truth  of  Spiritualism,  and  I  feel 
constrained  to  congratulate  you  as  the  distinguished  author  and 
defender  of  this  great  and  glorious  doctrine. 

Yours  in  spiritual  affection, 

DORA. 
P.  S.    When  is  your  next  book  coming  out  ? 

D. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  2nd  Circle. 
3  rd  month  —  76. 

MY  DEAR  JUDGE  : 

We  are  strangers.  But  I  can't  keep  still.  I  must  write  you. 
Therefore  excuse  me.  I  have  devoured  a  book  from  the  Spirit 
World,  edited  by  you  and  Doctor  Nozzleman,  which  has  yielded 
me  more  knowledge,  satisfaction,  and  solid  comfort,  than  I  had 
ever  drawn  from  the  whole  universe.  I  take  this  method  to 
hail  and  herald  you  and  the  Doctor,  as  the  two  greatest  bene- 
factors—  yes  more  —  the  very  Saviours  of  all  mankind. 

I  know  this  book  has  cost  you  a  vast  deal  of  hard  work  —  but 
you  will,  no  doubt,  get  well  paid  for  it. 
29 


338  Lucy    BOSTON. 

I  have  myself  long  been  a  distinguished  physiologist,  leading 
reformer  in  the  healing  art,  and  a  close  observer  of  men  and 
things,  but  I  have  been  buried  in  the  thick  darkness  of  unbe- 
lief, as  to  a  future  state  of  existence,  till  I  read  your  immortal 
volume,  in  which  perusal  I  experienced  a  glorious  resurrection, 
and  I  can  now  survey  the  Spirit  Land  as  easily  as  I  can  look 
over  the  map  of  the  United  States. 

Fraternally  yours, 

JOHN  JONES. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  4th  Circle. 
6th  month  -76. 

MY  VERY  DEAR  JUDGE  : 

I  have  never  seen  you,  and  perhaps  never  shall,  at  least  in 
the  form.  But  I  have  met  and  read  your  great  work  on  Spir- 
itualism. All  the  books  ever  composed,  sacred  and  profane, 
cannot  compare  with  it.  It  has  made  me  an  out-and-out 
Spiritualist.  I  hesitate  not,  no,  not  for  a  moment,  to  stake  my 
temporal  and  eternal  all,  upon  its  transcendent  doctrines. 

I  was  reared  from  childhood  in  the  Presbyterian  faith,  but 
when  of  age,  acting  on  my  manhood,  I  became  successively  a 
Puseyite,  Methodist,  Baptist,  Millerite,  and  Mormon,  and  found 
Pharisees,  hypocrites,  and  false  professors,  among  them  all. 
Consequently,  I  cut  loose  from  all  religion,  and  set  myself 
adrift  on  the  tide  of  Infidelity.  But  your  magnificent  treatise 
oo  Spiritualism  was  put  into  my  hand.  It  is  my  chart  and 
compass  amid  the  shoreless  ocean  of  Progress.  Its  doetrinea 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    339 

are  the  cable  and  sheet-anchor  of  my  hope.     Farewell  to  my 
former  superstition  and  sectarian  bigotry  Welcome  the"  beau- 
tiful and  the  true"   Hail  ye  spirits  !  bear  me  on  the  Spheres ! 
Dear  Judge,  your  book  must  have  a  run. 

Spiritually  yours, 

JOHN  SMITH. 


. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  5th  Circle. 
10th  month  —  76. 


MOST  HONORED  JUDGE: 

Pardon  the  boldness  of  a  stranger.  I  have  just  risen  from 
the  perusal  of  your  immortal  volume  on  Spiritualism.  It  is  the 
storehouse  of  all  knowledge  and  wisdom  —  emphatically  the 
Book  of  Books. 

I  have  been  a  most  indefatigable  student  of  nature  from  my 
infancy  up.  Still  I  was  unable  to  fix  myself  in  any  belief. 
The  Bible  I  long  ago  discarded  as  an  outrageous  libel  on  hu- 
man nature,  and  hence  opposed  to  reason  and  common  sense. 
But  you  and  the  Doctor  have  settled  me.  Success  to  you. 
Your  book  is  destined  to  eclipse  all  others,  and  repay  your  dis- 
interested labors  with  a  rich  reward. 

Yours  in  spiritual  bonds, 

JOHN  BROWN. 


340  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Ruaimental  Sphere,  6th  Cird*. 

7th  month  —  76. 
JUDGE  ADDLEHEAD: 

Very  dear  Sir, 

I  am  naturally  a  strictly  religious  woman.  The  past  was  an 
enigma  to  me  —  the  future  dark.  I  longed  for  light  —  sought 
it  in  the  Bible,  but  found  that  old  book  a  mass  of  contradic- 
tions, absurdities,  and  nonsense.  Met  your  divine  work  on 
Spiritualism,  and  found  relief.  Am  lifted  from  the  slough  of 
infidelity.  Feel  my  soul  unburdened.  Think  better  of  iny- 
self.  Glorious  change ! 

Dear  Judge,  how  can  I  pay  the  debt  of  love  I  owe  you  ?    I 
earnestly  hope  your  book  will  meet  with  triumphant  success. 
Yours  in  spiritual  affinity, 

AMARILLA. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  5th  Circle. 
2nd  month  —  76. 

DEAREST  JUDGE  : 

Congratulate  me  !  I  was  always  an  anxious,  restless  inquirer 
after  truth  —  truth  that  makes  the  mind,  soul,  and  body,  free 
from  restraint.  I  sought  for  this  "pearl  of  great  price"  in 
every  Christian  creed  and  all  the  isms  of  the  past  and  present, 
but  it  was. only  chasing  an  everlasting  jack  o'lantern,  till  you 
unfolded  to  me,  in  your  book  from  the  Spheres,  the  great, 
the  new,  the  all-harmonious  doctrines  of  Spiritualism.  My 
soul  leaps  for  iov  in  its  unrestrained  freedom. 


FOLLIES   OP  THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.    341 

I  am  now  on  the  track  of  progress.  How  fast  I  am  devel- 
oped !  Oh  !  how  my  soul  warms,  and  expands,  and  mounts, 
and  soars,  and  basks,  and  banquets,  amid  the  the  celestial  nec- 
tar as  it  drops  in  more  than  honeyed  sweetness  from  the  spirit 
lips  of  Abner  Kneeland,  Joe  Smith,  and  Tom  Paine ! 

Dearest  Judge,  I  wish  you  success  in  your  enterprise. 
Progressively  yours, 

CONSTANTINA. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  1th  Circle. 
8th  month  —  76. 

ADORED  JUDGE  : 

I  was  born  and  raised  under  the  blue  laws  of  Presbyterian- 
ism,  after  the  straightest  sect.  Before  entering  my  teens,  I 
cast  off  parental  despotism  and  turned  with  loathing,  and  un- 
utterable hatred,  from  the  fabulous  religion,  the  puerile  dog- 
mas and  sickish  mythology  of  the  Bible. 

Delivered  from  the  bondage  of  pious  bigotry,  superstition, 
and  tyranny,  I  boldly  unfurled  the  black  flag  of  infidelity  and 
atheism. 

I  am  now  in  the  full  bloom  of  womanhood,  and  a  settled  be- 
liever in  the  science  of  Modern  Spritualism.  My  husband  is 
wholly  undeveloped  and  the  children  are  treading  in  his  foot- 
steps. I  am  satisfied  there  is  a  total  want  of  affinity  between 
me  and  them.  I  feel  myself  attracted  towards  you  by  the  most 
delightful  and  irresistible  coherence. 

Dearest  Judge,  the  manifestation  is  clear.     The  Spirits  are 
29* 


342  LUCY    BOSTON. 

imperative.     We  are  congenial,  and  therefore  "conjoined  in 
eternal  truth."     Let  us  progress  immediately. 

Yours  in  sweetest  harmony, 

FIDELIA. 


Rudimental  Sphere,  M  Circle. 
5th  month  —  76. 

HONORED  JUDGE  : 

Blessed  with  a  sound  mind  and  a  good  education,  I  have 
from  my  youth  led  the  life  of  a  philosopher,  untrammeled  by 
Christian  dogmatism  —  giving  myself  up  to  the  study  of  the 
constitution  and  laws  of  nature.  By  the  process  of  philo- 
sophical, chemical,  and  logical  analysis,  I  discovered  nature  to 
be  surrounded,  permeated,  generated,  and  in  all  its  phenomena 
identical  with  the  inherent,  self-existent,  all-creative,  and  con- 
trolling  law  of  progressive  development,  which,  by  its  own  in- 
nate, independent  energizing,  from  the  latent  nucleus  of  cha- 
otic nonenity,  gradually  expanded  into  symmetrical  system  in- 
organic and  organic,  material  and  spiritual  of  universal  nature 
I  considered  my  name  as  immortalized  by  the  profound  discov- 
\/  ery,  and  was  about  perfecting  a  spirito-mechanical  machine,  at 
a  vast  expense  of  time  and  money,  to  prove  and  elucidate,  be- 
yond the  shadow  of  a  doubt,  the  beauty  and  truthfulness  of  my 
theory,  and  for  which  I  was  on  the  point  of  applying  for  a 
patent,  when,  to  my  astonishment  and  consternation,  I  found 
myself  anticipated. 

You  announced  yourself  as  the  legitimate  discoverer  of  the 


FOLLIES    OP   THE    XIXiBt    CENTURY.    343 

New  Philosophy,  and  in  the  glorious  light  of  which  it  was  re- 
vealed to  me,  that  instead  of  being  an  originator  in  the  fabri- 
cation of  the  true  cosmological  theory,  I  had  only  been  the  cho- 
sen medium  of  Bacon,  Newton,  Plato,  Ptolomy,  and  other 
highly-progressed  philosophers  of  the  Spheres. 

Judge,  enrol  my  name  among  your  foremost  disciples  and 
coadjutors  —  ever  on  hand  for  a  trip  to  the  bright  El  Dorado, 
the  golden  Ophir  of  the  Zones.  The  work  goes  bravely  on. 
Your  next  volume  is  anxiously  awaited  and  will  make  a  mighty 
sweep.  All  the  humbugs  of  the  age  will  be  cast  into  the 
shade  —  etc. 

JOHN  DOE. 



. 

'• 
Jupiter,  llh  Sphere,  1th  Circle* 

4th  month  —  76. 

MOST  BRAVE  AND  NOBLE  JUDGE  ! 

You  are  a  great  man  —  so  acknowledged  in  the  Spheres  — - 
and  Earth  shall  not  long  be  ignorant  of  the  fact.  Your  name 
is  a  household  word  up  here.  You  and  Doctor  Nozzleman  are 
by  common  consent  the  two  most  highly  progressive  develop- 
ments short  of  the  Zones,  and  as  such,  you  have  been  elected 
the  first  Honorary  Member  of  our  Zoological  Society. 

N.  B.  Your  letter  in  behalf  of  the  Doctor,  I  put  into  the 
hand  of  the  President  of  Supernal  College.  He  assures  me 
that  the  consideration  is  just,  and  the  Doctor  shall  be 
progressed  by  the  title  you  ask  for  him,  at  next  commence- 
ment. 


344  LUCY   BOSTON. 


/.  — As  you  "tickled"  the  Doctor,  he  has,  ac- 
cording to  agreement,  "  tickled  "  you  in  return.  I  saw  Pro- 
fessor Esculapius  yesterday.  He  has  received  the  Doctor's  fa- 
vor containing  satisfactory  inducements  for  your  promotion. 
Your  great  talents  and  attainments  shall  not  long  remain  un- 
appreciated down  there,  for  the  want  of  a  degree.  The  Trus- 
tees of  Celestial  University  will  meet  on  the  first  day  of  April, 
proximo.  I  hold  a  string  which  I  can  pull  effectually  at  head- 
quarters. Rest  easy.  You  shall  be  dubbed  at  once  D.  D., 
L.  L.  D.,  F.  R.  A.  S.  S.  You  will  then  be  ensphered  a  nabob 
among  the  Literati,  and  I  can  secure  you  an  invitation  to  de- 
liver the  annual  address  before  the  Phi  Beta  Kappa  Society, 
or,  if  that  cannot  be  compassed,  I  hold  the  respective  commit- 
tees under  my  individual  thumb,  and  can  get  you  unanimously 
elected  to  speak  before  the  Alumni  of  the  Ethereal  Institute; 
or  give  the  address  at  the  Seventh  Sphere  Agricultural  Fair; 
or  pronounce  the  oration  at  the  laying  of  the  corner-stone  of 
Liberty  Monument,  to  be  erected  on  the  Acropolis  of  the  Sev- 
enth Circle,  to  commemorate  the  advent  of  the  Spirit  of  the 
Mermaid  and  the  holy  crusade  from  the  Zones,  which  issued  in 
the  complete  victory  of  Spiritualism  and  Woman's  Rights  in 
the  "  Rudimental  Sphere." 

You  may,  dear  Judge,  take  your  choice  of  the  appointments, 
either  of  which  will  furnish  you  a  most  capital  opportunity  to 
progrett. 

Yours  in  harmony, 

SIMON  MAGUS. 

P.  S.  Judge,  exert  yourself  to  the  utmost  of  your  command- 


FOLLIES    or   THE    XIXiH   CENTURY.    345 

ing  ability  for  a  friend.  Leave  not  a  stone  unturned  nor  a  ta- 
ble untipped  in  my  favor,  lest  the  German  Neologists  and 
American  Transcendentalists  get  the  start  in  the  "  Rudimental 
Sphere/'  and  outstrip  me  in  the  race  of  development.  You  are 
working  nobly.  I  have  no  fault  to  find.  Write,  lecture,  pub- 
lish. Doctor  Nozzleman  will  be  your  worthy  coadjutor.  To- 
gether plan  —  together  execute.  I  am  your  guardian  spirit. 
Your  reward  shall  be  a  golden  harvest. 

S.  M. 



. 

Progress  Point,  6th  Sphere,  1th  Circle. 

4th  month  —  76. 
DEAR  ADDLEHEAD  : 

Like  you  down  below,  we  have  incorporated  up  here  the  pro- 
gressive "  institution"  of  Popular  Lectures,  and  I  have  seized 
the  first  opportunity  to  put  you  on  the  course.  We  indeed  have 
no  lack  of  distinguished  spirits  of  our  own  Sphere,  such  as  Bacon, 
Swedenborg,  Newton,  Shakspeare,  Voltaire,  and  hosts  of  others 
who  are  abundantly  qualified  to  instruct  and  delight  the  most 
sublimated  and  highly-developed  audience.  But  here,  as  with 
you,  "  no  prophet  is  without  honor  save  in  his  own  country," 
to  use  a  mythological  adage.  Human  nature  in  the  Zones  is 
the  same  as  human  nature  in  the  "  Rudimental  Sphere."  We 
saturmans  have  indeed  progressed  to  a  far  higher  state  of  spir- 
icity,  than  you  mundamans,  yet  we  retain  our  leading  original 
idiosyncrasies,  one  of  which  is  the  love  of  novelty.  Hence,  not- 


346  LUCY    BOSTON, 

Withstanding  there  are  lions,  Bengal  tigers,  and  giraffes, 
among  us,  in  any  quantity,  yet  having  no  "Elephant"  in  our 
natural  history,  the  spirits  are  all  on  tiptoe  with  curiosity  to 
"  see  the  Elephant."  What  are  lions,  Bengal  tigers,  and 
giraffes,  roar,  growl,  and  stretch  as  much  as  they  may,  to  those 
•who.  meet  them  every  day  ?  The  multitude,  even  in  Spiritdom, 
must  and  will  see  "  the  Animal,"  though  he  comes  from  tho 
comparatively  undeveloped  region  of  the  Zones, 

As  to  the  item  of  expense  for  the  trip,  allow  yourself  no  care. 
I  can  easily  get  you  checked  as  a  "  dead  head"  on  the  Celestial 
Air  Line  Express  Railroad.  So  get  us  up  something  spicy,  to 
tickle  the  palate  of  novelty.  I  will  have  you  announced  in  all 
dailies  as  "  the  Elephant,"  par  eminence.  We  will  create  a 
grand  rush,  raise  the  tickets  to  double  price,  and  send  you  homo 
loaded  with  "  rocks." 

Yours  harmoniously 

ISCAEIOT. 

P.  S.  Can't  you  engage  Barnum  for  us  ?  A  fine  opening  for 
him  up  here.  I , 


*  Hole,  Rudimental  Sphere,  1st  Circle. 
12th  month. 

JUDGE  ADDLEHEAD  t 

Sir, 
I  have  no  apologies  to  make  for  writing  you.     Does  a  poor 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIX?  a    CENTURY.    347 

fellow,  accidentally  fallen  overboard  and  ready  to  drown,  whine, 
out  to  the  bystanders, 

"  Gentlemen,  you  are  strangers  to  me,  therefore  please  ex- 
cuse me  for  soliciting  a  little  of  your  assistance  in  keeping  my 
head  above  water  ?"  No.  He  sings  out  "  help  !  help  I"  with- 
out  preface  or  apology. 

Now  that's  just  my  case,  only  a  master-sight  worse.  It's 
cussed  hot  down  here  in  this  great  boiling  hell-pot  of  a  place. 
There's  not  a  sea  that  floats  on  the  surface  of  this  round  world 
that  I  havn't  sailed,  not  a  storm  ever  blew  that  I  couldn't 
weather.  But  I'm  brought  upon  my  beam  ends  at  last.  I  can't 
navigate  this  fiery  gulph,  this  subterranean  Hell-Gate,  full  of 
rocks  and  whirlpools,  and  covered  with  the  thick  fog  of  smoking 
brimstone.  My  father  was  an  old  voyager  before  me.  I  sailed 
under  him  eighteen  years,  studied  the  "old  school"  navigation 
from  beginning  to  end  and  was  as  good  a  sailor  as  ever  manned 
a  helm  or  pulled  at  a  rope.  But  dad  was  an  old  fogy,  a  regu- 
lar blue-skin.  I  was  for  progress,  and  set  out  on  my  own  hook. 
I  put  upon  the  stocks  and  launched  a  new  bottom  after  my  own 
model.  A  finer-looking  craft  never  floated.  But  she's  gone 
to  pieces  upon  the  reefs  of  perdition.  There's  not  a  plank, 
broken  spar,  nor  shred  of  rigging  even  to  cling  to.  I'm  sur- 
rounded by  pirates,  landsharks,  and  huge  sea-serpents,  writhing 
and  hissing  and  spitting  out  black  poison  at  me.  Judge,  I  am 
fairly  swamped.  Even  my  sailor's  pluck  failed  me,  and  I  was 
ready  to  strike  and  go  to  the  bottom,  when  I  chanced  to  spy 
the  signal  that  you  had  descried  my  flag  of  distress. 

I  want  to  get  on  deck  again,  but,  shiver  my  timbers,  if  I  can 
do  it.  Now  just  bring  your  spiritual  life-boat,  or  fling  down  a 


848  LUCY   BOSTON. 

rope  to  a  poor  fellow  and  help  me  out.  It's  getting  around,  down 
here,  that  you  are  the  only  pilot  of  skill  and  daring  and  good- 
will enough  to  venture  amid  the  fiery  breakers  of  damnation  to 
save  helpless  castaways.  Good  luck  to  us.  There's  no  end 
to  the  lost  in  this  shoreless,  bottomless,  maelstroom  of  death. 
You  will  have  plenty  of  business,  so  ship  a-hoy!  round  to!  lower 
your  luff-tackle,  and  heave  away,  you  brave  old  wrecker. 

UNHAPPY  JACK. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

"  There  are  more  things  in  heaven  and  earth,  Horatio, 
Than  are  dreamt  of  in  your  philosophy." 

.  <- 

IN  pursuance  of  Governor  Lucy's  recommendation,  in  her  in- 
augural, a  polytechnic  was  chartered  by  the  Legislature, 
denominated  "  The  Spiritual  University,"  and  placed  on  a 
munificent  foundation,  at  the  expense  of  government,  not  so 
much  from  charity  as  considerations  of  state  policy.  It  was  al- 
together a  most  princely  institution,  the  course  of  study  em- 
bracing every  department  of  learning,  and  the  Board  of  Instruc- 
tion consisting  in  the  main, of  native  teachers  from  the  Spheres, 
and  prominent  among  them,  Aristotle,  L.  L.  D. ;  Socrates, 
D.  D. ;  Plato,  S.  T.  D.  j  Esculapius,  M.  B. ;  Cicero,  L.  L.  D. ; 
Moses,  D.  D.,  L.  L.  D. ;  Lord  Bacon,  William  Shakspeare, 
A.  M.;  John  Milton,  A.  B.;  John  Calvin,  D.  D.,  F.  R.  S. ; 
Right  Rev.  St.  Peter,  S.  T.  P. ;  Right  Hon.  St.  Paul,  S.  T.  D., 
L.  L.  D.,  F.  R.  S.,  with  a  large  number  of  under  Professors  and 
Tutors ;  in  all,  for  versatility  of  genius  and  profundity  of  ac- 
quirement, by  far  the  most  "  talented  "  and  "  accomplished  " 
Faculty  in  the  whole  country. 

Spiritual  University  was  modeled  after  the  old  Peripatetic 
school,  in  which  all  instruction  was  conveyed  by  familiar  con- 
versation or  dialogue,  affording  at  once  the  most  facile,  agreea- 
ble and  ample  method,  for  the  impartation  and  acquisition  of 
(349)  30 


350  LUCY   BOSTON. 

knowledge,  inasmuch  as  it  avoids  the  narrowness  and  restric- 
tion of  prescribed  text  books,  while  it  affords  free  and  unlimited 
scope  to  the  highest  discursive  faculties  of  both  teacher  and 
disciple,  forming  thus  an  element  of  vast  utility  in  the  science 
of  education  in  general  and  pre-eminently  so  in  its  specific  ap- 
plication to  Spiritual  University,  where  it  was  optional  with  the 
professors  to  dispense  instruction  separately  or  collectively  by 
dissertation  and  direct  colloquial  discourse,  or  if  for  any  reason 
they  preferred  it,  to  call  forward  at  their  pleasure,  any  of  the 
spirits  from  either  of  the  Spheres,  and  by  familiar  dialogue  to 
develop  the  hidden  stores  of  wisdom,  as  well  as  rectify  the  dog- 
mas of  past  ages,  not  only  for  the  immediate  instruction  of  the 
pupils,  but  the  enlightenment  and  progress  of  the  community 
at  large. 

See  now,  with  what  magic  facility  the  old-fashioned  logus 
orthodoxy  in  science  and  art,  philosophy  and  religion,  was  de- 
tected and  replaced  by  the  true  coin. 

John  Calvin  and  Tom  Paine,  evoked  from  their  respective 
planes  of  spiricity,  appeared  upon  the  boards  in  the  following 
edifying  colloquy : 

TOM  :  —  "  Well,  friend  John,"  shaking  him  heartily  by  the 
hand, "  here  we  are  on  our  old  theater  again.  But  how  changed  ! 
It  hardly  looks  like  the  same  planet,  so  vastly  has  it  progressed, 
since  we  were  in  the  form." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Yes,  dear  Tom,  the  development  of  the  Rudi- 
mental  Sphere  has  been  most  wonderful.  What  a  metamor- 
phosis !  Mountains  leveled  —  vallies  raised  — space  annihilated 

—  the  earth  overlaid  and  seas  traversed  with  nerves  of  thought 

—  the  elements  harnessed  and  made  the  ready,  obedient,  al- 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    351 

most  sentient,  and  voluntary  messengers  of  intelligence  !  How 
mighty  a  leap  forward  of  the  law  of  progress  !  " 

TOM  :  — "  But  the  propulsion,  so  sudden,  rapid,  and 
magnificently  grand,  has  been  no  more  remarkable  in  the  gross 
material  organism,  than  in  the  intellectual  and  moral." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Very  true.  While  there  are  doubtless  no 
greater  minds  here  now,  than  in  our  own  day  and  generation, 
yet  cultivated  intellect  is  infinitely  multiplied;  and  as  educa. 
tion  has  developed  the  masses,  it  is  emphatically  the  age  of 
thought,  reflection,  experiment  —  the  reign  of  reason  without 
faith.  Hence  your  disciples  have  increased  beyond  measure. 
Never  was  infidelity,  at  once  so  rank,  and  rampant,  and  subtle, 
and  prevalent,  as  at  this  present  time,  and  unless  arrested,  it 
must  inevitably  reverse  the  order  of  progress  and  plunge  hu- 
manity backward  into  the  horrible  pit  of  the  most  undeveloped 
materialism."  » 

TOM  :  —  "  What !  denominate  me  an  infidel  ?  " 

CALVIN  :  —  "I  mean  that  others  called  you  so,  and  alas ! 
there  are  not  a  few  who  stubbornly  persist  in  repeating  the  ac- 
cusation." 

TOM  :  —  "I  know  that  by  my  contemporaries  in  the  form, 
generally,  and  by  their  descendants,  whose  orthodoxy  is  to  be- 
lieve what  their  fathers  before  them  believed,  I  am  christened 
an  infidel.  And  why  ?  Because  I  was  a  man  of  too  much 
sense  to  be  trammeled,  hoodwinked,  and  priestridden.  An 
infidel !  and  why  ?  Because  I  would  not  remain  an  inert  clod 
when  within  me  glowed  the  promethean  fire  of  G-od-like  spir- 
icity.  Because  I  would  not  seal  my  lips  with  silence,  when, 
through  me,  nature  herself  struggled  for  utterance,  Because 


352  LUCY   BOSTON. 

the  very  core  of  Divinity  in  my  heart  of  hearts  would  articulate 
eternal  truth,  from  out  the  depths  of  undeveloped  materialism. 
Because  my  eager  spirit,  hungering  and  thirsting  for  the  illu- 
mination of  superior  spiricity,  sought  to  escape  from  its  chrys- 
alis, and,  new  fledged  and  unfettered,  to  soar  away  in  immortal 
sunlight." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Understand  me,  dear  Tom,  that  /  do  not  style 
you  an  infidel.  You  were  indeed  a  man  of  sense,  though  the 
public  pronounced  you  an  insane  fool ;  and  not  only  were  you 
a  man  of  sense,  but  a  prodigy  of  wisdom,  albeit  the  multitude, 
in  other  words,  the  mob,  denounced  you  as  a  vile,  shameless, 
impious,  blasphemous  wretch;  a  moral  pest,  loathsome  and  ab- 
horred alike  in  the  sight  of  earth  and  the  Zones.  The  trouble 
was,  your  philosophy,  or  more  properly  your  spirituality,  was 
too  profound  and  luminous  for  the  sensualism  of  the  vulgar  herd 
to  appreciate  or  comprehend.  To  you,  it  was  self-evident  truth, 
the  bright  coruscations  of  all  luminous  spiricity  in  which  your 
towering,  god-like  soul  progressed,  while  the  very  intensity  of 
its  brightness  blinded  and  bewildered  the  mass  of  more  unde- 
veloped humanity,  leaving  them  to  wade  in  the  quagmire  of 
unbelief,  and  not  a  few  to  wallow  in  the  deep  and  filthy  slough 
of  atheism.  Not  only  do  they  repudiate,  as  you  did,  the  dog- 
matisms, puerilities,  and  nonsense  of  Christianity,  but  unable 
like  you  to  penetrate  with  spirit-vision  through  the  fog  and 
darkness  of  formalism,  the  future  is  terra  incognita,  an  im- 
penetrable, dread  unknown.  To  them  death  is  the  all-life  ex- 
tinguisher, instead  of  a  new  birth  into  the  Spheres,  and  the 
grave,  not  an  advanced  stage  of  development  in  the  career  of 
endless  progress,  but  the  infinite  black  night  of  annihilation  ! " 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    353 

TOM :  —  "I  am  not  to  blame  for  that.  If  people  will  be 
deaf,  and  blind,  and  dumb,  in  spite  of  their  senses,  the  fault 
does  not  lie  at  my  door." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Truly  spoken.  You  wrote  in  a  style  clear, 
nervous,  aud  caustic  enough,  to  give  hearing  to  the  deaf,  eyes 
to  the  blind,  and  speech  to  the  dumb.  But  your  enemies  say, 
you  wrote  in  a  bad  spirit." 

TOM :  —  "I  confess  that  my  writings  wear  a  tinge  of  se- 
verity. And  how  could  I  help  it  ?  I  must  develop  myself. 
The  law  of  progress,  working  out  its  destiny  in  and  through 
me,  must  be  obeyed.  Think  of  my  intellect  towering  above 
those  around  me.  My  head  butted  the  stars.  I  was  a  giant 
ajnong  pigmies  — a  man  among  puppets  —  a  spark  of  divinity 
surrounded  by  the  gross  rubbish  of  sensualism.  The  beings 
called  men  —  what  were  they  ?  Veriest  automatons  —  unde- 
veloped earth-machines.  Oh  !  how  I  loathed  their  groveling, 
cringing,  pusillanimous  submission  to  the  yoke  of  Christianism, 
apparently  unconscious  of  their  widevelopment,  and  that  sub- 
lime destiny  ever  beckoning  them  onward  to  the  Zones.  How 
it  stirs  my  blood  to  think  of  it.  Can  you  wonder  that  I  spoke 
out?  How  could  I  smother  the  divinity  within  me  and  keep 
my  light  hid  under  a  half  bushel  ?  " 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Truth,  Thomas,  every  word  truth,  and  fully 
do  I  appreciate  it.  Had  you  not  possessed  the  patience  of 
Job,  combined  with  the  meekness  of  Moses,  to  quote  a  cant 
phrase  of  the  pietists,  how  could  you  have  refrained  from  im- 
printing your  burning  thoughts  with  a  pen  of  steel,  red  hot, 
and  dipped  in  the  wormwood  and  gall  of  bitterness,  boiled  down 

30* 


354  LUCY    BOSTON. 

to  black  lye  in  the  fiery  furnace  of  infidelity,  the  most  con- 
firmed and  intensely  malignant. 

TOM  :  —  "  Eight,  John.  Now  you  talk  like  a  philosopher 
and  a  gentleman,  in  short,  like  a  '  simon  pure '  spiritualist.  How 
different  from  your  old  orthodoxy — your  blue  light  —  total  de- 
pravity—  whining  repentance  —  slavish  fear  —  divine  decrees 
—  eternal  hell  and  fury  —  you  can  and  you  can't,  you  shall 
and  you  shant,  and  you-shall-be-damned-if-you-don't  creed. 
Dont  you  see  now,  brother  John,  that  with  all  my  black-hearted 
infidelity,  and  fiendish  blasphemy,  and  foul  obscenity,  as  my 
enemies  termed  it,  I  was  nevertheless  infinitely  above  you  all, 
on  the  score  of  intellectual  and  moral  development.  How  I 
looked  down  with  scorn  and  contempt  upon  the  whole  world  of 
scientific  dwarfs  and  Christian  pagans,  and  babel  of  creeds, 
Catholic  and  Protestant,  as  in  the  strength  and  grandeur  of  my 
superiority,  mental  and  moral,  I  soared  aloft  on  the  pinions  of 
light,  and  sailed  through  the  cloudless  blue  ether  of  the  Spheres  ! 
And  yet  was  I  comparatively  undeveloped  —  a  fettered  prisoner 
in  the  materiality  of  rudimentalism,  groping  in  the  dark  — 
longing  and  seeking  for  light,  yet  entangled  in  the  horrible 
labyrinths  of  pagan  midnight.  Had  Spiritualism  then  beamed 
upon  me  in  its  present  full-orbed  glory,  how  my  spirit,  escaping 
from  its  cell,  would  have  mounted  to  the  highest  plane  of  thought, 
and  roamed  the  upper  circles  of  spiricity  ! " 

CALVIN  :  —  "  What  a  calamity  to  the  cause  of  science  and 
religion,  what  a  deplorable  loss  to  humanity  itself,  that  you  did 
not  appear  early  in  the  eternal  series  of  development.  Had  you 
only  issued  upon  the  stage  of  existence  when  time  was  young, 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXin    CENTURY.    355 

how  different  would  have  been  the  history  of  the  universe,  and 
especially  of  earth  ! " 

TOM  :  —  "  Yes.  It  would  not  have  remained  as  it  did, 
through  countless  ages,  dreary,  lifeless,  motionless,  chaotic,  but 
moulded  into  shape,  symmetry,  and  harmony,  it  would,  long 
ere  this,  have  been  far  out  of  sight  on  the  track  of  progress!" 

CALVIN  :  —  "  You  do  not  mean,  Thomas,  to  be  understood, 
that  prior  to  the  phenomenon  of  your  advent  in  the  form,  the 
system  of  nature,  or  any  part  of  it  —  the  Rudimental  Sphere, 
for  instance  —  had  no  existence ;  that  there  was  no  sun,  nor 
moon,  nor  stars,  neither  vegetation  nor  inhabitant." 

TOM  :  —  "  What,  Cal.  !  are  you  not  yet  sufficiently  progressed 
to  understand  the  simplest  elementary  truths  ?  I  mean  that, 
previous  to  the  manifestation  of  myself  and  Spiritualism,  the 
world  was  in  its  rudimental  state.  There  were  the  germs  of 
form,  life,  activity,  but  they  were  not  expanded.  There  re- 
posed, latent  and  undeveloped,  the  seeds  of  things,  of  vegeta- 
bles, animals  and  men,  the  most  forward  of  which  had  only 
sprouted,  a  few  were  in  the  bud,,  but  none  had  advanced  to  the 
maturity  of  the  fruit  or  the  blossom." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  You  do  not  mean  to  say  there  were  no  ad- 
vanced phenomena  of  the  human  biological,  intellectual  and 
moral.  What  think  you  of  Lord  Bacon,  Sir  Isaac  Newton, 
Galileo,  and  La  Place  j  of  Socrates  and  Plato;  of  Homer,  Shaks- 
peare,  and  Milton ;  of  Napoleon  and  Washington  ;  of  King 
David,  Solomon,  St.  Paul,  and  other  like  developments  in  the 
history  of  the  Rudimental  Sphere  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Now,  John,  are  you  really  so  ignorant  still  ?  Or 
do  you  mean  to  manifest  antagonism  to  me,  and  introduce  dis- 


356  LUCY    BOSTON. 

harmony  into  the  Spheres.  Beware,  beware.  Forget  the  old 
tricks  you  were  up  to  when  in  the  form. 

CALVIN:  —  "No,  no,  my  dear  Paine,  we  are  in  unity. 
There  is  not  the  slightest  shade  of  discord  between  us.  It  is 
not  at  all  on  my  own  account,  that  I  appear  thus  to  doubt  or 
cavil  or  query  in  any  case,  but  for  the  enlightenment  of  the 
circle,  and  through  it,  of  benighted  mortals  still  dwelling  in  the 
form." 

TOM  :  —  "  Well,  Cal.,  I  thought  it  unaccountably  strange,  if, 
with  your  present  progression,  you  could  have  the  face  to  cast. 
the  faintest  shadow  of  doubt  upon  the  fact  of  my  superior 
spiricity." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Doubt  your  transcendental  enspherement  in 
the  uppermost  circle  ?  As  soon  might  I  doubt  any  other  self- 
evident  truth,  the  existence  of  the  Spheres  themselves,  or  the 
truthfulness  of  Spiritualism,  for  example. 

To  evince  my  profound  appreciation  of  your  pre-eminence  as 
the  pioneer  explorer  of  the  Zones,  as  well  as  of  the  boundless 
wilds  of  science  and  philosophy,  I  was  about  to  turn  our  dis- 
course upon  the  topic  of  your  travels  through  the  Spheres,  that 
the  world  might  reap  the  benefit  of  your  adventures,  and  hail 
you  benefactor  of  the  race." 

TOM  :  —  "  A  very  timely  suggestion,  my  dear  Calvin,  which 
I  have  anticipated,  and  one  that  will  afford  me  the  opportunity 
of  interesting  and  enriching  the  public  with  the  fruits  of  my 
pilgrimage  and  discoveries.  The  great  Christopher  Columbus 
crossed  the  Atlantic  and  unwittingly  run  aground  upon  a  New 
Continent  in  the  Rudimental  Sphere,  while  I  have  traversed  — 
not  a  mere  rivulet  like  the  Atlantic  —  but  the  shoreless  and 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    357 

hitherto  trackless  ocean  of  Spiricity,  and  brought  to  light,  not 
an  insignificant  speck  of  land  like  North  America,  but  a  New 
Earth  and  new  Heavens.  Columbus  found  himself  so  com- 
pletely eclipsed  by  the  intelligent  conception,  the  bold,  daring, 
and  transcendent  success  of  my  adventures,  that,  covered  with 
chagrin  and  mortification,  he  has  thrown  aside  his  chart  and 
compass  in  despair,  and  retired  into  obscurity,  a  disappointed 
man.  But  pardon  me,  my  most  magnanimous  Cal.,  I  perceive 
your  eagerness  to  enter  upon  our  colloquial  disquisition.  The 
welfare  of  our  brethren  in  the  form,  the  progress  of  humanity 
and  Spiritualism,  is  hindered  by  our  delay.  Ask  what  ques- 
tions, propound  what  queries  you  choose,  you  will  find  me 
everywhere  at  home." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Well,  Thomas,  to  begin  at  the  beginning,  ex- 
pound to  us  in  outline  the  grand  fundamental  theory  of  devel- 
opment." 

TOM  :  —  "  That  I  can  do  in  few  words.  Matter  and  spirit 
are  but  the  phenomena  or  attributes  —  whether  dormant  or  ac- 
tive, visible  or  invisible  —  of  the  Supreme  Law  of  Development. 
This  Law  first  reposed,  the  self-existent,  all-creative  Force,  im- 
bosomed  in  illimitable  blank  space.  All  was  the  universal  void 
of  ^development.  The  period  for  manifestation  arrived,  when 
by  spontaneous  combustion  the  constituents  of  matter  were 
evolved  in  atomic  particles  or  nuclei,  suspended  inert  and  im- 
perceptible throughout  the  depths  of  boundless,  silent,  gloomy 
vacuity.  This  was  the  starting  point  of  progress,  or  the  Law 
of  Development  in  active  operation.  And  now  the  grand  pro- 
cess of  creation  set  forward.  By  the  inherent,  self-impelling 
force  of  attraction,  drawing  the  particles  of  matter  into  organic 


358  L  u  c  Y    B  o  s  T  o  N  . 

contact,  friction  was  produced,  which  of  necessity  generated 
heat  and  light,  or  the  principles  of  life  -and  locomotion,  and 
which,  in  the  progress  of  development,  have  issued  into  all  the 
endless  manifestations  of  Nature,  inanimate  and  animate,  rudi- 
mental  and  spherical. 

Or  to  speak  in  the  more  exact  and  scientific  terms  of  the 
New  Philosophy.  "The  Law  of  Development,  the  Law  of  De- 
velopment in  Progression,  organized  the  first  Orb-Creation  in 
form  of  appearing  as  one  globular  ovariura,  which  was  the  germ 
of  the  terrestrial  universe  of  universes ;  and  within  the  globu- 
lar was  the  embryo  of  the  external  of  the  universal,  impersonal 
creation,  as  one  curvilinear  ovarium ;  and  within  the  curvilin- 
ear the  germ  of  the  external  of  the  universal,  personal,  or  intel- 
lectual creation,  in  form  of  one  vortical  ovarium." 

"  In  the  beginning  of  the  orb-formation,  preparatory  for  man- 
formations,  vehicles  of  Quickening  Spirit  into  intellectual  for- 
mations, the  universal  concavity  and  the  universal  convexity, 
were  co-enfolded  and  encompassed  in  the  universal  Zodiac,  and 
within  the  concavity  was  the  visible  disclosure  unto  the  germ 
of  the  Terrestrial." 

CALVIN  :  —  "Exceedingly  lucid  and  satisfactory  exposition 
of  a  dark  and  knotty  subject,  friend  Thomas.  To  couch  the 
same  facts  in  the  vulgar  tongue  of  the  Rudimental  Sphere,  I 
suppose  you  would  say  that  all  the  manifestations  of  matter  and 
spirit  ascend  in  regular  progression  from  inferior  to  superior 
organisms,  the  superior  being  nothing  more  nor  less  than  the 
legitimate  productions  of  the  inferior,  according  to  the  law  of 
Nature,  and  not  by  the  creative  power  of  a  personal  God." 

TOM  :  —  "  Precisely  so.     Particles  of  matter  dampened  by 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XlXxn    CENTURY.    359 

the  moisture  of  the  atmosphere  exhaled  from  the  face  of  the 
deep,  and  nurtured  by  the  genial  influence  of  light  and  heat 
—  in  other  words,  matter  by  the  process  of  fermentation  trans- 
formed itself  into  moving,  living,  feeling,  organisms.  A  lump 
of  mud  progressed  into  a  clam ;  the  clam  into  a  lobster ;  the 
lobster  into  a  quadruped ;  the  quadruped  into  a  monkey;  the 
monkey  into  a  negro;  the  negro  into  a  white  man;  the  white 
man  into  a  woman ;  and  the  woman  into  an  angel." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Sublime  theory,  and  beautiful  as  sublime,  in 
harmony  with  reason,  common  scuse,  and  the  nature  of  things  ; 
carrying  with  it  its  own  demonstration,  for  how  often  do  we 
meet  with  people  who  are  exceedingly  crabbed.  So  there  are 
the  mulish,  the  swinish,  the  snakish ;  the  chicken-hearted,  the 
lamb-like,  the  hawk-eyed,  the  brazen-faced ;  with  block-heads, 
leather-heads,  and  so  on,  according  to  their  respective  pedigrees, 
or  the  biological  channels  through  which  they  have  been  seve- 
rally developed.  Especially  is  the  fact  notorious  that  in  the 
fjp,nus  homo  are  multitudes  of  croakers,  affording  the  strongest 
presumptive  proof,  at  least,  that  a  large  share  of  mankind  were 
originally  but  tadpoles,  and  are  progressing  into  a  higher  and 
more  sublimated  species  of  human  frogs. 

TOM  :  —  "  Exactly.  Such  is  the  true  cosmogony  for  which 
I  can  vouch." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  But  how  could  you  fathom  such  depths  of 
mystery  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  By  the  power  of  my  superior  spiricity." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Through  what  process  ?  simply  theorizing,  or 
absolute  demonstration,  or  both  ?" 

TOM  :  —  "  Neither  —  but  by  actual  observation.    My  mission 


360  LUCY    BOSTON. 

was  discovery  to  know  and  reveal  the  hitherto  unknown.  No- 
thingdaunted  by  the  hugeness  of  the  undertaking,  with  the  New 
Philosophy  as  my  chart  and  compass,  I  boldly  struck  out  and 
followed  the  course  of  nature  back  to  its  source,  looked  off  into 
chaos,  penetrated  the  arcana  of  creation,  and  returned  down  the 
track  of  progress,  scrutinizing  most  minutely,  from  beginning 
to  end,  the  whole  process  of  development." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  You  speak  then  from  positive  knowledge  ?  " 

TOM:  —  "I  speak  from  positive  knowledge." 

CALVIN :  —  "In  relation  to  everything ? " 

TOM  :  —  "  Yes,  in  relation  to  everything." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Well,  as  a  philosopher  and  eye-witness,  you 
have  unfolded  the  true  theory  of  Creation.  Now,  as  a  theologian, 
define  what  God  is." 

TOM  :  —  "  God  is  not  a  person,  neither  matter  nor  spirit,  but 
a  principle." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Self-existent,  or  self-created  ?  " 

TOM: — "Self-created  —  the  product  of  developed  intelli- 
gence." 

CALVIN  :  —  'f  If  the  Deity  be  not  a  person,  but  only  a  prin- 
ciple, how  should  we  be  taught  to  pray  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Why  thus.  Oh,  thou  Universal  Principle  !  thou 
omniscient,  omnipresent,  omnipotent  Abstraction  !  the  self-cre- 
ated Creator,  Preserver,  and  Benefactor,  by  which  all  things 
sprang  spontaneously  into  existence,  and  in  which  they  continue 
to  progress  !  we  recognize  thee  as  the  Almighty  Law  of  Devel- 
opment, enstamped  the  Sovereign  Ruler  of  the  universe,  and 
by  whose  operation  all  nature  is  advancing  in  the  march  of  pro- 
gress. 0,  thou  most  blessed  Abstract  Principle,  save  us  from 


FOLLIESOF     THE     X  I  X  T  H     CENTURY.      361 

the  idol-worship  of  Christianity,  the  infidelity  of  the  Bible,  and 
the  despotism  of  priestcraft.  Bring  us  into  harmony  with  the 
'  beautiful  and  the  true/  and  cnnble  us  speedily  to  progress 
from  the  low  lands  of  rudin  entalism  to  the  heights  of  pure 
spiricity,  where  thy  power  and  glory  is  manifested  in  the  high- 
style  of  phenomena.  And  Oh  !  our  Law  of  Development,  thou 
most  holy  deific  Principle,  which  was  and  is,  and  is  to  be,  the 
only  Potentate  and  Great  I  am,  help  us  ever  to  feel  the  pres- 
ence of  thy  workings,  in  the  career  of  manifest  destiny.  And 
finally,  0  thou  most  Mighty  Law,  may  we  never  in  our  unbelief 
throw  obstructions  upon  the  track  of  thy  progress,  but  rever- 
ently acquiesce  in  the  motions  of  thy  propelling  force,  till  we 
reach  the  apes  of  the  cone  of  Development,  and  poise  our  iden- 
tities in  harmonic  unity,  forever  and  ever,  Amen." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  Most  beautiful,  comprehensive,  and  affecting 
manifestation  of  the  spirit  of  devotion  and  pious  homage.  In 
all  the  elements  of  true  worship,  how  infinitely  superior  to  the 
Lord's  Prayer,  which  I  was  wont  to  repeat  while  in  the  form. 
By  the  way,  Thomas,  tell  us  what  estimate  we  ought  to  put 
upon  the  Bible." 

TOM:  —  "  The  same  as  upon  any  other  book  made  up  of 
some  truth  and  a  great  deal  of  eror." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  But  were  not  its  authors  inspired  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  No  more  than  any  other  Mediums  are  inspired." 

CALVIN  :  — -  "  They  were,  then,  simply  spiritual  Mediums  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Nothing  more  nor  less." 

CALVIN  :  —  "  How  then  could  they  promulgate  either  false 
or  erroneous  communications  ?  " 


31 


362  LUCY    BOSTON. 

TOM:  —  "In  various  ways.  The  Mediums  may  have  been 
low  in  the  grade  of  spiricity,  comparatively  undeveloped,  weak 
in  intellect  and  moral  stamina.  They  may  also  have  been 
warped  by  their  own  opinions,  wills,  prejudices,  and  imagina- 
tions ;  or  by  the  controlling  influence  of  gross,  tmdeparted  spirits 
around  them;  or  low,  sensual,  perverse  departed  spirits  might 
have  been  intentionally  deceived  and  led  them  astray.  Either 
one  or  more  of  these  suppositions  will  sufficiently  account  for 
the  blunders,  absurdities,  and  falsities,  throughout  the  Christian 
Bible,  as  well  as  for  all  heterogeneous,  contradictory,  deceitful, 
silly,  uncouth,  vulgar,  and  false  demonstrations." 

CALVIN  :  —  "The  Bible,  therefore,  is  not  a  revelation  from 
God,  nor  the  product  of  its  several  authors,  but  a  series  of  com- 
munications from  departed  spirits,  through  their  respective 
mediums  or  amanuenses." 

TOM:  —  "Yes,  that  is  the  sum  and  substance  of  it,  except 
those  portions  originating  in  the  mediums  themselves.  But  lest 
any  should  be  disposed  to  doubt  my  veracity,  Doctor  Paul  is 
present  and  ready  to  corroborate  and  confirm  what  I  say.  Am 
I  not  right,  Doctor  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "I  count  myself  happy,  most  noble  Paine,  in 
the  opportunity  of  bearing  witness  to  the  truth,  touching  the 
topic  whereof  thou  speakest ;  especially  because  I  know  thee  to 
be  expert  in  all  questions  of  revelation ;  and  more  especially 
because  I  can  bear  record  before  all  who  hear  me,  how  perverse 
and  evil,  and  that  continually,  was  my  manner  of  life  and  doc- 
trine when  in  the  form,  and  after  my  conversion  to  Chris- 
tianity." 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    363 

TOM  :  —  "  Well,  Doctor  Paul,  to  begin  with  the  Old  Testa- 
ment: —  In  the  light  of  your  present  grade  of  spiricity,  what 
say  you  of  Genesis  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  About  as  true  as  any  fictitious  work  that  is 
now  printed." 

TOM  :  —  "  Of  Exodus  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "As  good  a  book  as  could  be  expected  in  that 
day." 

TOM  :  —  "  Of  Leviticus  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL:  —  "Not  directly  from  God,  as  man  supposes." 

TOM:  — "Of  Numbers?" 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  Such  an  absurdity  as  that  ought  to  be  cast 
into  the  lowest  depth  of  the  infernal  regions." 

TOM  :  —  "  Of  Joshua  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  Almost  the  whole  book  is  false." 

TOM  :  —  "Of  Judges  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  About  the  same  as  the  others  ;  and  it  needs 
no  argument  to  show  that  it  is  void  of  inspiration." 

TOM:  — "Of  Ruth?" 

ST.  PAUL:  —  "Without  inspiration,  the  same  as  the 
others." 

TQM:  — "Of  Samuel?" 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "A  part  of  it  is  correct." 

TOM  :  —  "Of  Kings  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  Multitudes  of  mistakes  —  not  correct  —  no 
inspiration." 

TOM  :  —  "  Of  Ezra  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  By  a  person  bearing  its  name,  without  inspi- 
ration." 


364  LUCY    BOSTON. 

TOM:  — "Of  Job?" 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  Written  through  mediums  —  would  have 
been  correct,  had  it  not  been  that  man  destroyed  its'  purity." 

TOM:  — "Of  Psalms?" 

ST.  PAUL  :  — -  "  Written  in  the  same  way,  and  some  of  them 
are  correct." 

TOM  :  —  "  Of  the  New.  Testament  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  The  same  as  the  Old.     Both  of  a  piece." 

TOM  :  —  "Of  the  Bible  as  a  whole,  from  Genesis  to  Revela- 
tions?" 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  MENE,  MENE,  TEKEL,  UPHARSIN." 

TOM  :  —  "In  what  light  do  you  regard  the  entire  system  of 
Judaism  and  Christianity  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  As  a  cunningly  devised  fable."  ,--."u<:/-» 

TOM  :—  "  How  was  it  got  up  ? " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "By  priestcraft." 

TOM  :  —  "  And  how  perpetuated  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "By  priestcraft." 

TOM  :  —  "  What  is  its  manifest  destiny  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "  Annihilation." 

TOM  :  —  "In  what  way  ? " 

ST.  PAUL:  —  "By  Spiritualism." 

TOM  :  — "  How  do  you  look,  upon  the  present  structure 
of  society,  and  the  state  of  civilization  in  the  mundane 
Sphere  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL:  —  "As  all  wrong — unprogressed- pagan." 

TOM  : —  "And  how  shall  it  be  righted  —  developed  —  en- 
lightened ?  " 

ST.  PAUL:  —  "By  Spiritualism." 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    X I X  T  H    CENTURY.    365 

TOM  :  —  "  What  do  you  consider  the  chief  appliances  to  be 
employed  in  the  work  ?  " 

ST.  PAUL  :  —  "In  general,  Spirit  Circles,  Spirit  Literature, 
and  Legislative  Reform ;  but  in  particular,  your  '  Age  of  Rea- 
son/ Common  Sense,'  the  '  Rights  of  Women,'  and  your  '  Pil- 
grimage to  the  Seventh  Circle.' 

TOM  :  —  "  Doctor,  you  are  an  oracle  of  wisdom.  Unbelievers, 
Festus-like,  will  declare  you  are  beside  yourself;  that  Spirit- 
ualism and  much  progression  do  make  you  mad.  But  the  lu- 
nacy and  madness  belong  to  your  accusers  in  their  want  of  de- 
velopment. They,  in  reality,  are  insane  heretics,  while  you 
speak  forth  the  words  of  truth  and  soberness,  worthy  the  disci- 
plo  of  Gamaliel,  worthy  of  yourself,  worthy  the  exalted  plane  of 
spiricity,  to  which  you  have  attained,  as  the  leading  Professor 
of  Spiritual  University.  But  pardon  me,  Doctor  Paul,  for  de- 
taining you  so  long.  If  I  have  trespassed  upon  time  or  been 
tedious  in  nay  inquiries,  the  importance  of  the  subject  is  my 
apology. 

"  And  now,  brother  Calvin,  shall  we  resume,  for  a  few  mo- 
ments, the  thread  of  our  disquisition?" 

CALVIN  :  —  "  I  am  always  at  your  service,  my  dear  Thomas, 
but  as  Governor  Boston  has  been  pleased  to  favor  us  with  her 
distinguished  presence  on  this  occasion,  and  is  one  of  the  most 
highly-developed  in  the  form,  I  beg  leave  to  introduce  her  in 
my  stead,  to  complete  the  present  interview." 

TOM  :  —  "A  courteous  suggestion,  brother  John.  I  accept 
the  substitute.  Miss  Governor,  do  you  acquiesce  ?  " 

LUCY  :  —  "  With  pleasure." 

TOM  :  —  "  Propound  any  question,  at  your  option." 
31* 


366  LUCY    BOSTON. 

LUCY  :  —  "  What  is  the  lowest  form  of  existence  in  the  Su- 
perior Spheres  ?" 

TOM  :  —  "  Matter." 

LUCY  :  —  "  The  same  in  its  constituents  as  that  of  the  Ilu- 
dimental?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Exactly  like  it,  only  more  refined." 

LUCY:  —  "What  is  the  structure  and  physical  geography 
of  the  Zones?" 

TOM  :  —  "A  precise  fac  simile  of  earth ;  more  sublimated  to 
be  sure,  but  yet  composed  of  land  and  water  in  endless  variety 
of  mountain  and  valley,  hill  and  plain,  field  and  forest :  beet- 
ling cliffs  and  yawning  chasms :  snow-capped  peaks  and  belch- 
ing volcanoes;  fountains  and  rivulets;  rivers,  lakes,  and  seas; 
scenery  the  most  sublime  and  beautiful,  spread  out  and  almost 
always  smiling  beneath  cloudless  suns,  but  sometimes  shook  and 
swept  by  thunder  and  tempest,  flood  and  sphercquakc." 

LUCY: — "This  would  indicate  that  spirit  life  in  the 
Spheres  cannot  differ  materially  from  human  life  on  earth." 

TOM  :  —  "  Your  inference  is  correct.  As  the  geography  of 
Spheredom  is  an  exact  type  of  the  geography  of  Earthdom,  so 
the  inhabitants  of  the  former  correspond  to  those  of  the  latter 
in  their  physical,  mental,  and  moral  characteristics  and  ac- 
tivity." 

LUCY  :  —  "Are  we  to  understand  that  the  same  laws  of  hu- 
man physiology  obtain  in  the  super-mundane  circles  of  spiricity 
as  in  the  mundane  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Precisely.  In  every  stage  of  their  progression,  spir- 
its carry  along  with  them  all  the  elements  of  their  earthly  mate- 
riality. Having  the  same  physical  organs  performing  the  same 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XlXm    CENTURY.    367 

functions,  they  are  just  as  truly  'in  the  body,'  as  when  in  the 
form.  Hence  they  continue,  as  usual,  to  dress,  and  eat,  and 
drink,  and  sleep.  In  short  they  keep  up  all  their  old  habits 
of  living." 

LUCY  :  —  "  Without  the  necessity  of  forecast  and  manual 
labor?" 

TOM  :  —  "  By  no  means.  Though  nature  is  prolific  in  spon- 
taneous productions,  still  under  the  strict  regimen  of  her  im- 
mutable laws,  she  compels  even  her  progressed,  spiritual  chil- 
dren, to  develop  their  subsistence  from  her  hidden  stores  at  the 
cost  of  individual  skill,  industry  and  economy." 

LUCY  :  —  "Is  it  possible  that  spirits  are  obliged  to  eat  bread 
in  the  sweat  of  their  brow  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  And  why  net,  pray  ?  Does  nature  change  in  the 
conditions  of  her  being  ?  No.  Everywhere  and  to  all  eternity, 
effort,  exertion,  nixus  —  as  we  philosophers  would  say  — is  the 
essential,  necessary  property  of  progression,  which  is  the  out- 
working or  external  manifestation  of  the  Supreme  Law  of 
Development  j  a  property  alike  indispensable,  universally  and 
forever  indispensable,  to  physical  and  mental,  moral  and  social 
health,  purity  and  happiness." 

LUCY  :  —  "  What  sir,  then,  are  the  peculiar  employments  of 
the  inhabitants  of  the  Spheres  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  As  a  matter  of  course,  all  the  various  occupations, 
useful  and  ornamental,  in  the  respective  departments  of  art, 
science,  manufacture,  commerce,  agriculture  and  speculation." 

LUCY  :  — "  What  are  the  prevailing  amusements  in  the 
Zones  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Music  and  dancing ;  a  constant  routine  of  con- 


368  LUCY    BOSTON. 

certs,  parties,  balls,  and  operas;  sight-seeing,  hunting,  fishing, 
and  gaming,  particularly  card-playing,  &c." 

LUCY:  —  "Are  there  distinctions  of  caste  in  society 
there?" 

TOM  :  —  "  Very  great." 

LUCY  :  —  "On  what  ground  ?  " 

Tom  :  —  "  The  score  of  spiricity.  Each  successive  circle 
constitutes  a  distinct  and  separate  class,  the  highest  or  tipper- 
sevens,  answering  to  the  '  upper-tens '  of  the  Kudimental 
Sphere." 

LUCY  :  —  "So.  with  you  there  is  only  the  aristocracy  of  spir- 
icity, irrespective  of  wealth  or  connections  ?  " 

Tom :  —  "  That  is  the  rule,  though  it  sometimes  happens  that 
where  spirits  wish  to  be  exceedingly  select,  they  take  the 
liberty  to  pass  by  their  neighbors  who  may  be  either  not  so 
•wealthy  or  of  less  noble  birth,  or  spirits  of  color.  However, 
as  a  general  thing,  there  are  no  mere  artificial  distinctions 
in  spirit  society.  For  instance,  during  my  travels  in  the 
Spheres,  while  exploring  the  western  wilderness  of  the  Sixth 
Circle,  far  beyond  any  spirit  abode,  as  I  supposed,  I  chanced 
to  light  upon  a  wigwam,  and  entering,  who  should  I  find  there 
but  old  Daniel  Boone,  Black  Hawk,  and  Dr.  Franklin.  They 
belong  to  no  church,  they  acknowledge  no  creed,  but  together 
spend  their  time  alternately,  in  trapping,  chasing  deer  and  buf- 
falo, and  looking  from  Nature  up  to  Nature's  Law  of  De- 
velopment ! 

"  Furthermore,  as  there  is  no  personal  caste  in  the  Zones, 
so  is  there  no  aristocracy  of  business  or  avocation  in  any  single 
Circle.  To  my  surprise  I  found  John  Bunyan  keeping  tav- 


FOLLIES   OP   THE   XIXiH   CENTURY.    869 

era  at  the  foot  of  Delectable  Mountain.  General  Jackson  is 
a  blacksmith ;  Cromwell,  a  tinker ;  Martin  Luther,  an  auction- 
eer; John  Calvin,  D.  D.,  the  very  amiable  and  accomplished  Pro- 
fessor in  Spiritual  University,  owns  a  brewery  and  drives  a 
splendid  business  since  the  repeal  of  the  Maine  Law ;  Timothy 
Dwight,  Jonathan  Edwards,  Dr.  Chalmers,  and  some  other  cel- 
ebrated divines  in  spiritdom,  spend  their  time  in  writing  sermons 
for  their  successors  in  the  form ;  Father  Abraham  is  a  butcher  j 
John  Wesley  keeps  a  ten-pin  alley  at  Spiritual  Springs;  General 
Putman  peddles  yankee  notions;  Cuvier,  Buffon,  and  Gold- 
smith, have  formed  a  co-partnership  in  the  breeding  of  Shang- 
hais ;  while  others  less  famous  in  history,  follow  the  learned 
professions." 

LUCY  :  —  "  You  astonish  us,  Mr.  Paine,  with  the  marvelous- 
ness  of  your  revelations." 

TOM :  —  "I  could  easily  astonish  you  with  equal  wonders, 
to  the  extent  of  many  volumes." 

LUCY  :  —  "  Doubtless,  and  great  would  be  our  satisfaction 
in  listening  to  the  recital.  It  is  earnestly  to  be  hoped  we  may 
yet  have  that  pleasure.  At  present,  however,  we  are  admon- 
ished by  the  dial  to  be  brief.  With  the  permission  of  the 
professors  and  your  own,  I  would  like,  before  the  close  of  this 
interview,  to  put  a  few  interrogations  in  relation  to  several  top- 
ics of  the  first  degree  of  interest." 

TOM  :  —  "  I  am  at  the  service  of  your  Excellency." 

LUCY  :  —  "  What  is  the  prevailing  form  of  civil  government 
in  the  Spheres  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Invariably  democratic,  or,  more  strictly  speaking, 
a  representative  democracy." 


870  LUCY    BOSTON. 

LUCY: —  "  Do  females  exercise  the  elective  franchise,  and 
are  they  eligible  to  public  office  ?" 

TOM  :  —  "In  all  respects,  the  population  of  the  Zones  en- 
joying equal  political  privileges,  without  distinction  of  gender. 
Of  the  two  the  fair  sex  are  by  far  the  more  popular,  and  are  in 
reality  at  the  head  of  government  in  both  the  civil  and  social 
commonwealth.  For  example,  in  the  Sixth  Circle,  General  Fan- 
\/~  ny  Wright  is  President  of  the  Federal  Union.  Her  entire 
Cabinet  is  composed  of  females,  while  General,  now  George, 
Washington  holds  the  post  of  corporal  in  the  militia." 

LUCY:  —  "  In  spiritual  courtship  and  marriage,  which  party 
is  accustomed  to  take  the  lead  ?" 

TOM  :  —  "  The  bride ;  in  every  instance.  Hence,  in  all  the 
Spheres,  there  is  not  to  be  found  a  single  old  maid." 

LUCY  :  —  "  What  is  the  prevailing  style  of  costume,  particu- 
larly in  the  circles  of  fashion  ?" 

TOM  :  —  "  Invariably  Bloomer.  Indeed  Bloomerism  is  the 
handmaid  of  Woman's  Rights,  and  Woman's  Eights  are  a  con- 
stituent element  of  Spiritualism." 

LUCY :  —  "It  is  held  that,  as  persons  progress  in  spirituality, 
they  also  glow  in  harmony,  love,  good-will  and  charity.  Wbat 
therefore  is  the  general  character  of  the  dwellers  in  the  Zones, 
for  benevolence  and  kindness?" 

TOM  :  —  "  They  are,  for  the  most  part,  exceedingly  generous 
and  kind,  especially  to  strangers.  In  all  my  pilgrimage  to  tho 
Seventh  Circle  and  back  again,  I  was  treated  with  the  utmost  hos- 
pitality, save  in  a  solitary  instance.  Faint  and  exhausted  with 
fasting  and  traveling,  I  approached  a  farm  house  of  goodly  dimen- 
sions and  near  by  which,  was  a  large  number  of  cows  grazing  in 


FOLLIES  OF  THE    X I X  T  H  CENTURY.    371 

a  field  of  luxuriant  clover.  Entering  the  kitchen  door,  and  lean- 
ing on  my  staff  for  support,  I  craved  of  the  good  dairy-woman, 
a  little  milk  to  quench  my  thirst  and  impart  strength  to  my 
weary  frame ;  whereupon  she  turned  me  off  with  a  short  pint 
of  buttermilk,  and  for  which  I  was  obliged  to  pay  her  two  cents! 
I  progressed,  hoping  the  good  woman  might  soon  be  developed 
into  a  higher  plane  of  spiricity." 

LUCY  :  —  "  Is  it  practicable  for  individuals  while  in  the  form 
to  pass  to  the  Zones  and  return  ?  " 

TOM  :  —  "  Certainly,  but  rarely.  "We  have  a  distinguished 
instance  of  the  kind,  in  the  case  of  Judge  Addlehead.  His  fa- 
mous "  letter  "  produced  so  profound  a  sensation  and  awakened  ^ 
such  enthusiastic  joy  throughout  the  Zones,  that  a  deputation 
of  distinguished  spirits  was  commissioned  to  invite  and  escort 
him  thither  as  a  public  guest.  His  progress  was  a  continued 
triumph.  Every  possible  distinction  of  honor  was  heaped  upon 
him,  and  as  the  climax  of  which,  he  was  voted  the  entire  free- 
dom of  the  Spheres ;  to  go  and  come  at  his  pleasure,  free  of 
expense;  and  in  addition  to  which,  a  handsome  fortune  was 
bestowed  upon  him,  by  individual  subscription,  in  token  of  the 
invaluable  service  he  had  rendered  to  the  cause  of  Spiritualism 
in  the  publication  of  his  '  Letter.'  Nor  is  this  all.  Leaving 
his  great  twin  manifestation  and  co-adjutor,  Doctor  Z.  Socrates 
Nozzleman,  to  superintend  the  development  of  humanity  in  the 
form,  or  the  temporal  welfare  of  mankind,  the  Judge,  as  the 
very  incarnation  of  the  Law  of  Development,  conceived  the  ex- 
ceedingly original,  bold,  and  striking  plan  of  rescuing  lost  spir- 
its from  the  pit  of  perdition.  Successful  in  the  very  first  at- 
tempt, he  published  himself  to  the  unfortunates  as  the  only  and 


372  LUCY    BOSTON. 

Almighty  Saviour.  But  his  benevolence  not  satisfied  with  the 
deliverance  of  a  single  soul  at  a  time,  he  is  now  engaged  with  a 
spiritual  Boring  Machine  and  Steam  Paddy  in  cutting  a  tunnel 
and  staircase  up  through  the  eternal  rocks  that  walj  in  the  realms 
of  darkness ;  so  that  all  Hell  can  rush  at  once  into  the  upper 
circles  of  heavenly  spirtcity ! " 
A  The  interview  closed. 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

"  Out,  ye  impostors  I 

Quack-salving,  cheating  mountebanks  —  your  skill 
Is  to  make  sound  men  sick,  and  sick  men  kill." 

IN  all  the  "  region  round  about,"  a  variety  of  physicians  had 
sprung  up,  administering  relief  to  the  sick,  upon  the  newly- 
discovered  principles  of  Spiritualism. 

Next  to  numberless  were  the  ailments  that  flesh,  in  time 
past,  was  unconscious  of  being  "heir  to,"  and  of  which  were 
furnished  diagnosis  and  remedy,  by  a  spiritual  inspection  of  a 
lock  of  hair,  and  all  for  the  simple  sum  of  one  dollar  I 

Prescriptions  inundated  the  community,  from  which  numer- 
ous individuals  experienced  a  speedy  cure,  even  before  they 
were  themselves  aware  of  being  diseased. 

Other  doctors,  less  famous,  could  detect  disease  when  openly 
palpable,  and  treat  it  with  tolerable  skill,  but  their  pathology 
and  practice  being  of  a  more  ordinary  stamp,  their  utility  was 
therefore  not  generally  appreciated  nor  understood. 

It  was  an  extremely  mysterious  theory,  this  crinopathy  — 
and  hence  more  scientific  and  satisfactory  —  holding  as  it  did 
that  all  disorders  in  the  human  system  manifested  themselves 
fundamentally  in  the  hair,  for  the  reason  that  the  skull  was 
sympathetically  affected. 

32  (373) 


374  LUCY   BOSTON. 

We  have  often  wondered  at  the  decrees  of  Providence,  Dttt 
never  doubted  their  justice,  although  often  apparently  unequal. 
Imagine  a  poor  bald  victim  afflicted  with  a  complication  of 
"ralgies" — "  new  and  old" — yet  stripped  of  the  only  means 
or  condition  necessary  to  make  available  the  priceless  art  of 
the  hair-inspecting  doctors. 

Although,  without  positive  knowledge  on  the  subject,  we 
must  nevertheless  believe,  that  the  kind-hearted  spirits  could 
not  suffer  a  fellow  mortal  to  drag  himself  to  the  close  of  such 
a  miserable  existence,  unrelieved,  simply  because  he  happened 
to  be  bald-headed.  We  might,  therefore,  safely  anticipate  the 
adoption  of  an  expedient,  in  behalf  of  the  hairless  unfortunates, 
by  a  substitute  lock  clipped  from  the  patient's  wig  I  Nay,  reader, 
down  with  your  incredulity  at  this  supposition,  for  is  it  not 
manifestly  in  keeping  with  the  whole  history  of  spiritual  devel- 
opment ?  *  Nor  is  it  unphilosophical.  Because,  spirits  say, 
that  all  symptoms  of  disease  tend  to  and  locate  themselves  in 
the  hair.  Now,  symptoms  are  things.  It  cannot  be  supposed 
they  will  inhere  and  terminate  in  the  barren  skin  of  the  poll, 
for  they  are  diffusive  and  tend  to  hair.  Hence  it  is  not  illog- 
ical to  affirm,  that  if  they  find  no  hair  on  the  scalp,  the  place 
where  it  ought  to  grow,  and  where  they  might  reasonably  ex- 
pect to  find  it,  they  will  seek  the  nearest  hair  to  be  found, 
which  being  the  wig,  it  must  as  an  inevitable  consequence  be 
the  receptacle  of  the  symptoms. 

Impartiality,  however,  requires  us  to  state  that  another 
school,  or  in  reality  another  branch  in  the  same  school,  adopted 

*  We  in  no  sense  allude  to  any  doctrine  of  the  Holy  Scriptures,  or  the  out-work- 
ings of  Christianity,  but  technically  and  exclusively  to  Modern  Spiritualism. 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXTH    CENTURY.    375 

vfi.h  great  success  a  modification  of  the  above  theory.  They 
started  with  identical  data,  but  reasoned  adversely.  Their  di- 
agnosis was  the  same,  their  prognosis  totally  different.  "  We 
agree  with  the  hairopatkists,"  said  they,  "  that  symptoms  are 
things.  But  there  cannot  be  a  thing  without  substance,  nor 
substance  without  gravity ;  therefore,  disease  is  never  sublimated 
in  the  apex,  but  always  precipitated  at  the  base  of  the  system, 
from  which  it  follows  conclusively,  that  the  terminus  of  the 
symptoms  is  not  the  capilis pilus,  but  the  ungnis pedis pollicis^ 
that  is  to  say,  not  the  hair  of  the  cranium,  but  the  nail  of  the 
great  toe ! "  This  theory,  more  philosophical,  marked  by 
g-eater  common  sense,  and  resting  on  a  deeper  foundation  than 
its  antagonism,  was  at  once  in  the  ascendant,  speedily  acquir- 
ing universal  celebrity.  The  public  prints  carried  to  every  in- 
valid in  the  land  the  happy  intelligence,  that  a  shaving  from 
the  nail  of  the  great  toe,  sent  by  mail,  accompanied  with  TWO 
DOLLARS,  postage  paid  !  would  convey  an  accurate  knowledge 
of  the  disease  and  secure  a  prescription,  which  if  faithfully  fol- 
lowed, according  to  directions,  would  inevitably  work  a  perma- 
nent cure.  Great  was  the  demand  for  jack-knives,  and  many 
a  poor  wife  performed  secret  amputations,  cleaving  the  horny 
substance  to  the  quick,  after  the  "symptoms,"  at  the  imminent 
hazard  of  becoming  a  cripple,  and  the  expense  of  her  husband's 
best  razor  ! 

But  all  this  was  Spiritualism  only  in  the  bud,  and  destined 
soon  to  be  succeeded  by  the  flower  and  the  fruit. 

Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman,  the  prince  of  Mediums,  and  Apos- 
tolic Vicar  of  Spiritdom,  though  what  would  be  called  "  well  to 


376  LticY    BOSTON. 

do  in  the  world,"  concluded  to  turn  his  hand  to  physic,  not  — 
as  will  appear — for  the  sake  of  gain,  but  as  a  benefactor. 

Among  other  employments  which  he  had  followed  for  a 
livelihood,  in  days  gone  by,  was  that  of  agent  for  a  patent 
medicine.  This  professional  advantayement  furnished  him  an 
intimate  knowledge  of  Anatomy  and  Physiology,  which  fortu- 
nately was  now  brought  into  play.  Having  naturally  a  keen 
eye  in  his  head,  and  observing  the  universal  ailibility  of  man- 
kind with  their  hankering  after  "  spiritual"  potions,  in  the 
yearning  of  his  bowels  of  pity,  he  decided  on  having  a  "  run." 

Accordingly,  a  general  meeting  of  the  "  circle"  was  convened, 
and  having  revealed  to  them  many  mysterious  mysteries,  Z. 
Socrates,  with  one  hand  on  his  breast,  and  the  other  thrust  to 
the  bottom  of  his  pocket,  as  if  unconsciously  feeling  for 
<(  change,"  threw  back  his  head,  looking  the  picture  of  honest 
gagacity,  and  said  — 

"  Listen  ye  to  me.  This  earthly  Sphere  is  full  of  three 
things — folks  —  distempers — and  quackery.  Of  this  big 
world-hospital,  I  am  superintendent  and  chief  physician,  by 
the  appointment  of  the  spirits.  They  have  conferred  upon  me 
the  very  highest  medical  degree,  with  a 'spiritual'  diploma, 
imparting  an  exact  knowledge  of  all  the  maladies,  actual  and 
possible,  both  of  body  and  mind,  and  their  only  remedies.  The 
appointment  is  not  only  merited,  but  imperative.  I  am  not  a* 
liberty  to  decline  it. 

"  Therefore,  if  ye  be  ailing  at  any  time,  ye  must  consult  me, 
the  physician-in-chief,  without  delay,  and  charge  everybody  to 
do  likewise,  lest  ye  all  die. 


FOLLIES   OF   THE   XIXiH    CENTURY.    377 

"  Hark  ye.  Those  Jiairy  spirits,  are  not  medical  spirits. 
They  do  not  doctor  right.  They  are  quacks,  and  so  are  all 
others  that  have  manifested  themselves.  They  have  killed 
many.  Alopathists  drug  their  patients,  hydropathists  pickle 
them,  pepperopathists  steam  them,  homeopathists  starve  them, 
hairopathists  shave  them,  and  so  between  salivating,  pickling, 
steaming,  starving  and  shaving,  it  is  hard  to  calculate  •whether 
there  be  more  patients  cured  than  victims  made.  Beware ! 
beware  !  Ye  are  in  danger.  I  smell  the  poison  about  you 
now."  Whereupon  those  present,  supplied  with  spiritual 
medicine — -as  most  of  them  were  —  all  agreed  it  'hurt'  them, 
and  at  once  throwing  their  '  physic  to  the  dogs,'  they  changed 
physicians. 

The  Smeller  had  evidently  struck  the  scent.  Next  day 
in  front  of  his  door  was  displayed,  in  mammoth  characters,  the 
following  sign :  — 

"  Z.  SOCRATES  NOZZLEMAN,  SPIRITUAL  M.  D.,  K.  Q.  X., 
OLFACTORY  MEDIUM,  PHYSICIAN  AND  SURGEON  —  by.  ap- 
pointment of  the  ROYAL  MEDICAL  COLLEGE  of  the  ZONES. 

"  Prescriptions  carefully  made  out,  under  the  direct  supervi- 
sion of  the  Medical  Faculty  of  tbe  Seventh  Sphere. 

"  Consultation  hours  at  all  times." 

The  effect  greatly  surpassed  the  professor's  most  sanguine 
hopes.  The  circles,  as  matter  of  course,  being  all  more  or  less 
diseased,  daily  frequented  the  office  of  the  new  Spirit  Doctor. 
His  prices  for  single  prescriptions  ranged  from  two  dollars  to 
ten,  according  to  the  nature  of  the  complaint  and  condition  of 
the  patient  —  uniformly  cash  in  hand,  .it  being  well  understood 
that  he  kept  no  looks. 
32* 


378  LUCY   BOSTON. 

As  might  be  expected,  Doctor  N at  once  took  the  lead 

in  his  profession,  as  mediumfy,  the  Founder  and  Chief  Prac- 
titioner  of  Spiritopatfiy. 

But  time  hastened  to  the  final  and  crowning  manifestation  of 
Spiritualism.  Fame  blew  her  bugle  over  her  favorite  son.  Its 
notes  were  the  knell  of  Quackdom.  Hygeia  stretched  her 
scepter  over  the  world.  Disease  fled  away.  Death  stood 
aghast !  And  no  marvel,  for  the  subtle  olfactories  of  our  great 
Spiritopathist  had  ferreted  out  the  fundamental  principle,  that 
all  disorders  in  their  normal  origin  and  ab-normal  process  are 
/  conditioned  and  propagated  by  spiritual  miasma,  which  was 
amply  demonstrated  by  a  course  of  the  most  nice  and  satisfac- 
tory experiment  with  his  nasal  organ,  which  served  the  capacity 
of  a  clairvoyant  stethoscope,  and  whose  delicate  acutencss  no 
essence,  however  attenuated  or  occult,  could  evade. 

The  only  thing  now  wanting  to  secure  perpetual  longevity 
to  the  race,  and  rob  Old  Mortality  of  his  dues,  was  the  inven- 
tion-of  a  universal  specific.  This  was  readily  furnished  by  the 
spiritual  pharmacopoeia,  and  consisted  in  the  quintessence  of 
spiritual  orders,  sublimated  to  the  point  of  indivisibility.  It 
may  puzzle  the  reader  to  imagine  how  a  volatility  so  infinitely 
attenuated  could  be  obtained  and  confined  for  use.  The  pro- 
cess was  simple.  It  was  not  indigenous,  but  exotic,  a  product 
of  the  Seventh  Sphere.  The  spirits  having  expressed  and 
volatilized  it  by  a  "  spiritual "  apparatus,  conveyed  it  by  tele- 
graph to  our  chief  physician,  who  resolving  it  by  spiritual 
analysis  into  two  kinds  —  one  for  internal,  the  other  for  exter- 
nal application,  including  surgery  —  confined  it  in  proper 
quantities  in  miniature  phials,  which  phials  he  scientifically 


FOLLIES    OF   THE   XIXTH    CENTURY.    379 

labeled  respectively  Mm.  Nil.  (Minimus  Nihil)  and  Max. 
Nil.  (Maximus  Nihil)  —  in  plain  English,  the  littlest  nothing 
and  the  biggest  nothing.  Not  by  any  means  that  his  nostrum 
was  a  nonentity  ;  but  these  terms  were  selected,  as  the  best  that 
language  affords,  to  express  even  an  approximate  definition  of 
the  "Universal  Spiritual  Catholican  and  Elixir  of  Life."  The 
name  of  the  Spiritual  Medicine  Man,  as  Doctor  Nozzleman  was 
called,  par  excellence,  was  a  household  word.  Such  at  length 
became  his  skill,  he  had  no  more  than  to  meet  persons  on  the 
highway,  or  pass  them  at  their  daily  avocations  to  detect  the 
premonitions  of  disease  lurking  in  their  system,  and  of  which 
his  benevolence  would  not  permit  them  to  go  unwarned.  As 
the  barometer  foretokens  foul  weather,  and  the  galvanic  battery 
sends  its  message  on  lightning  wing,  outstripping  steam  and 
tempest,  to  arrest  the  fugitive  assassin  or  snatch  the  mariner 
from  coming  shipwreck,  so  our  Smelling  Medium  snuffing  the 
ubiquitous  proximity  of  the  malaria,  at  almost  any  distance, 
transmitted  telegraph  admonitions  in  every  direction,  by  which 
multitudes  marked  for  victims  were  rescued  from  the  stealthy 
approach  of  consumption,  the  irruption  of  the  deadly  epidemic 
and  the  fatality  of  accident. 

The  celebrity  of  the  great  Socrates  spread  not  only  through 
the  United  States,  but  across  the  great  water  into  distant 
countries.  Business  so  multiplied  upon  his  hands,  that  by  di- 
rection of  the  spirits  (probably  as  matter  of  convenience  and 
economy)  he  erected  an  Infirmary  of  immense  dimensions  and 
published  to  the  world  his  readiness  to  receive  patients  on  the 
most  reasonable  terms. 

Thousands  flocked  to  the  great  Spiritual  Hospital,  all  of 


880  LUCY   BOSTON. 

whom  —  save  those  "  doctored  to  death"  by  the  "  old  schools," 
at  least,  till  past  the  possibility  of  recovery  —  were  restored 
and  sent  home,  armed  with  their  spiritual  smelling  bottles,  an 
occasional  snuff  of  which  made  them  forever  impervious  to  the 
malaria,  and  a  slight  rubbing  with  the  cork  was  sufficient  to 
cure  the  rickets  or  mend  a  broken  leg. 

The  "  watering  places "  of  both  continents  were  deserted. 
Puffemburg  —  as  the  new  institution  was  called  - —  became  the 
place  of  all  resort;  the  Spiritual  Mecca,  to  which  valetudina- 
rians from  every  quarter,  far  and  near,  thronged  on  pilgrimage 
after  health.  ,  ^ 

The  "universal  Spiritual  Catholicon,  and  'patent'  Elixir 
of  Life,"  swept  the  field.  The  age  of  humbug  nostrums  was 
past.  Brandreth,  Fitch,  Townsend,  and  all  the  "craft,"  with 
your  "  extracts,"  "  compounds,"  "  magnetics  "  and  trasli,  fare- 
well !  Your  own  "  miraculous  inventions "  and  "  infallible 
remedies"  cannot  save  you!  Good-by  quacks!  Good-by 
quackery !  And 

"All  maladies, 

Of  ghastly  spasm,  or  racking  torture,  qualms 
Of  heart-sick  agony  ;  all  feverish  kinds ;  , 

Convulsions,  epilepsies,  fierce  catarrhs ; 
Intestine  stone  and  ulcers ;  cholic  pangs, 
Demoniac  phrensy,  moping  melancholy, 
Marasmus,  and  wide-wasting  pestilence ; 
Dropsies,  and  asthmas,  and  joint-racking  rheums," 

with  every  other  ailment,  accident  or  infirmity,  incident  to 
mortal  flesh,  not  excepting  even  old  age,  gray  hairs,  spectacles 
and  crutches  !  —  everlasting  adieu ! 


FOLLIES    or    THE    XIXiH    CENTUET.    381 

Sceptics  !  banish  unbelief —  Courage  !  poor  bed-ridden  ones  ! 
—  and  leap  for  joy,  0  ye  cripples  !  while  you  read  the  following 
sample  of  the  numberless  certificates  poured  in  for  the  proprietor 
and  professor  of  Puffemburg,  as  voluntary  offerings  from  his 
grateful  patients,  embracing  multitudes  of  the  most  dis- 
tinguished personages : 

"  DEAR  DOCTOR  :  -=—  I  will  be  one  hundred  and  ninety-three 
years  old  on  the  first  day  of  April  next.  For  one  hundred  and 
one  years  I  have  been  bed-ridden,  and  having  lost  the  use  of 
my  voluntary  powers,  I  was  unable  to  stir,  except  when  moved 
with  a  lever.  But  six  weeks  ago  yesterday,  I  saw  an  adver- 
tisement of  your  Universal,  Spiritual  Patent  Catholicon.  I 
bought  a  phial  of  the  '  Minimum  Nihil/  smelt  of  the  cork,  and 
found  myself  a  new  man.  I  can  now  outrun  the  best  locomo- 
tive, beat  a  stump-machine  at  a  dead  lift,  and  throw  twenty-five 
double  somersets  without  stopping. 

"  Yours,  with  heartfelt  gratitude, 

"PETER  PUFFER. 

"  P.  S.  A  red  flannel  cloth  rubbed  upon  a  vial  of  the  Max. 
Nil.,  and  wrapped  round  a  wooden  leg,  reduces  a  triple  com- 
pound fracture  in  just  seven  minutes,  and  is  now  covering  the 
limb  with  a  fresh  cuticle  of  bark.  There  is  the  manifestation 
of  a  foot  and  knee  joint.  Its  sensibility  increases,  and  I  have 
no  doubt,  that  in  three  weeks  it  will  be  a  perfect  leg. 

"  You  are  at  liberty  to  use  this  testimonial  of  the  miracu- 
lous power  of  your  Medicine  in  any  manner  you  choose,  for  the 
benefit  of  suffering  humanity. 

up    p» 


382  LUCY   BOSTON. 

Z.  Socrates,  the  chief  luminary  of  Spiritualism,  was  in  the 
zenith  of  his  glory,  not  however  as  a  fixed  star,  but  like  all 
progressive  plants,  he  had  reached  his  point  of  culmination. 

Mr.  Abner,  a  man  of  high  public  standing,  a  prominent 
member  of  the  "circle,"  and  the  possessor  of  a  handsome 
property,  in  the  prime  of  life  and  bloom  of  health,  was 
taken  suddenly  ill,  and  in  spite  of  the  "  Patent  Catholicon 
shuffled  off  his  mortal  coil,"  and  passed  to  the  Spirit-Land. 
He  had  been  a  useful  and  honored  member  of  society.  The 
anti-spiritual  portion  of  the  community  afflicted  at  the  prospect 
of  losing  so  valued  a  citizen  and  neighbor,  besought  the  relatives 
of  the  victim  to  summon  the  aid  of  a  regular  physician,  but 
in  vain.  The  appeal  was  met  only  with  indignity,  by  the  spir- 
itualized kindred,  who  hoped  "  people  would  not  trouble  them- 
selves. The  spirits  probably  understood  what  they  were  about 
and  needed  no  assistance  from  the  quacks." 

Soon  after  the  good  man's  decease,  our  Spiritopathic  Medium, 
in  his  capacity  of  Executor,  called  upon  the  surviving  com- 
panion and  family,  to  inform  them  what  the  spirit  of  the  de- 
parted wished  to  have  done  with  the  estate. 

"  How  glad  I  am,  dear  Doctor,"  said  the  cheerful  widow, 
"  that  you  have  called  upon  us  in  our  affliction.  Yet  it  is'nt 
much  after  all,  seeing  we  can  communicate  with  him  every  day." 

"  Your  husband,"  said  the  Medium,  "  directs  me  to  keep  a 
watchful  eye  over  his  estate.  My  instructions  are  to  convert 
the  real  and  personal  property  into  money,  and  then  he  will 
tell  me  what  to  do  with  it.  I  have  not  the  time  to  devote  to 
this,  but  respect  for  my  departed  friend  will  not  allow  me  to 
decline.  Besides,  I  cannot  bear  to  see  the  property  squandered 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    883 

from  thee  and  thy  children.  There  are  notes  and  outstanding 
accounts,  and  money,  which  I  must  take  for  safe  keeping,  and 
apportion  to  thee  from  time  to  time  as  thy  husband  shall  direct." 

The  affectionate  and  obedient  widow  rejoiced  at  this  mark  of 
friendship,  and  forthwith  the  "private  secretary"  was  ran- 
sacked, the  Medium  taking  possession  of  all  the  "  convertibles" 
on  the  spot,  as  sole  administrator  of  the  deceased. 

The  notes  and  accounts  were  collected,  at  once,  and  the  per- 
sonal chattels  struck  off  at  auction,  the  terms  of  sale  being 
cash. 

Nothing  now  remained  unadjusted  except  the  real  estate, 
consisting  of  a  fine  village  house  and  lot,  with  farm  adjacent, 
and  a  tract  of  western  land.  This  also  the  deceased  ordered 
his  spiritual  agent  to  sell.  Accordingly  he  struck  a  bargain 
with  a  certain  speculator,  to  whom  he  was  to  convey  title  on  a 
given  day  and  receive  the  purchase-money. 

Punctual  at  the  appointed  time,  our  Medium  administrator 
appeared  with  conveyances  in  hand,  duly  sealed  and  signed  as 

follows :  — 

DAVID  ABNER  (deceased), 

Per  Z.  SOCRATES  NOZZLEMAN,  M.  D., 

Spiritual  Agent. 

This  singular  autograph  bore  a  kind  of  suspicious  look  to 
the  scrutinizing  eye  of  the  purchaser,  who  refused  to  pay  the 
money  until  the  seller  could  produce  a  power  of  attorney  a 
little  more  intelligible. 

The  Spiritualists  were  indignant  at  the  incredulity  of  this 
suspicious  infidel,  and  assured  him  that  if  he  would  only  meet 
with  them  a  single  evening,  it  would  be  demonstrated  before 


384  LUCY    BOSTON. 

his  eyes,  that  the  great  professor  Nozzleman  was  no  impostor, 
but  the  bonajide  agent  of  the  deceased,  and  acting  under  his 
immediate  direction  and  control.  But  the  wary  speculator 
stood  in  fear  of  a  "  trap,"  and  the  bargain  was  broken  off. 

The  widow  and  her  family  were  not  only  "sold  out"  rather 
close,  but  kept  on  short"  allowance.  The  Medium,  however, 
declared  that  he  disbursed  as  fast  as  his  instructions  allowed. 

The  good  wife  was  satisfied  with  this  assurance,  yet  could 
not  but  think  that  her  husband  had  grown  very  economical 
since  becoming  an  inhabitant  of  the  Spheres ;  nor  could  she 
conjecture  for  what  he  was  hoarding  his  money,  but  she  wisely 
concluded  that  he  knew,  and  would  direct  everything  to  the 
best  advantage,  both  for  himself  and  family. 

The  sudden  death  of  so  estimable  and  prominent  a  person  as 
Mr.  Abner,  was  of  course  somewhat  widely  circulated  through 
the  public  prints,  by  which  means  the  melancholy  intelligence 
chanced  to  reach  an  absent  son,  and  from  whom  the  family  had 
received  frequent  spiritual  communications,  furnishing  conclu- 
sive evidence  that  he  had  passed  to  the  Zones  :  in  other  words, 
that  he  was  dead. 

On  learning  the  decease  of  his  father,  Edward  (for  such 
was  his  name),  in  obedience  to  the  promptings  of  filial  and 
fraternal  affection,  hastened  home  with  all  practical  dispatch. 

Extensive  travel,  with  a  close  observation  of  men  and  things, 
had  made  him  a  competent  judge  of  character. 

To  his  relatives,  his  return  occasioned  even  greater  surprise 

than  the  untimely  death  of  his  father.     Spiritualism  was,  of 

course,  the  first  topic  introduced  to  Edward,  by  the  family, 

V         and  on  which  he  expressed  his  opinion,  respectfully  and  kindly, 


FOLLIES    OP   THE   XlXxn    CENTURY.   385 

yet  in  terms  so  decided  and  caustic,  as  to  fill  them  with  grief, 
that  a  fond  mother  and  affectionate  sisters  should  experience 
such  a  greeting  from  a  long  absent  son  and  brother. 

It  was  evening  when  Edward  arrived.  His  mother  —  as- 
sistance was  unnecessary  —  prepared  him  a  meal  so  exceed- 
ingly coarse  and  scanty,  as  justly  to  excite  in  him  a  momentary 
look  of  surprise,  and  observing  which,  by  way  of  apology,  she 
said  it  was  the  best  his  father  had  afforded  them  lately,  and 
besides,  there  was  no  place  in  the  house  for  him  to  lodge,  but 
on  the  floor,  as  his  father  had  ordered  all  the  beds  and  bedding 
not  in  actual  use  to  be  sold. 

"  How  came  father  to  be  so  poor  ?"  inquired  Edward. 

"  0,  he  is  not  poor,"  answered  the  mother.  "  He  is  worth 
twenty  thousand  dollars,  and  communicates  to  Doctor  Z.  Soc- 
rates Nozzleman  how  to  dispose  of  it." 

11  Did  father  leave  a  will  ?  " 

"  0  no,  my  son.  His  spirit  communicates  daily  with  our 
Medium,  as  his  sole  administrator  and  agent.  He  told  the 
Doctor  to  take  the  property  and  turn  it  into  money,  and  he 
would  then  give  him  directions  how  to  use  it. 

"  Who  is  this  Doctor  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman,  as  you  call 
him  ?" 

"Why!  is  it  possible  you  have  never  heard  of  him?  He 
is  the  Great  Smelling  Medium,  olfactory  physician,  surgeon, 
and  professor  of  Puffemburg  Hospital,  appointed  by  the  spirits 
themselves.  We  are  to  have  a  circle  here  to-night,  and  you 
can  talk  with  your  father  just  as  freely  as  I  do  with  you." 

"  Professor  Z.  Socrates  holds  possession  of  the  property, 
does  he?" 

33 


386  .    LUCY    BOSTON. 

"Yes,  father's  spirit  told  him  to  take  it." 

"  How  do  you  know  it  did  ?  " 

"  Because  the  Doctor  says  so.  Besides,  father's  spirit  tells 
us  the  same,  and  that  we  must  always  look  up  to  his  agent  as 
our  guardian  and  protector.  Don't  you  want  to  see  our  Me- 
dium, Edward  ?  He  will  be  here  directly." 

"  Guess,  you  must  excuse  me.  I  will  call  on  some  of  my 
old  acquaintances  this  evening.  I  couldn't  very  well  enjoy 

your  c  circle/  as  you  term  it,  if  I  should  stay. When  did 

father  tell  your  Medium  to  take  the  property  ?  "  said  Edward, 
musingly. 

"  0,  right  away  after  he  died,  or  rather  after  he  emigrated  to 
the  Zones,  and  he  tells  him  something  about  it  almost  every  day." 

"  And  this  is  what  you  call  '  spiritual  manifestations  f  '  " 
rejoined  Edward,  rising  to  depart. 

Mother  and  sister  besought  him  to  remain  at  the  circle,  but 
gently  resisting  their  entreaties,  and  promising  to  return  in  the 
morning,  he  bade  them  an  affectionate  "  good  night." 

Edward  sought  his  old  associates,  a  part  of  whom,  as  he  was 
pleased  to  find,  were  anti-spiritualists,  and  who  made  him  ac- 
quainted with  the  exact  position  of  affairs. 

Edward  had  seen  too  much  of  the  world,  mingled  with  and 
read  too  many  characters,  not  to  fathom  this  whole  business 
at  a  glance.  To  him,  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman  was  no  enigma. 
His  line  of  duty  was  plain;  nor  did  he  hesitate  promptly  to 
pursue  it,  but  wisely  concluded  to  seek  no  interview  with  his 
Spiritualship,  till  having  first  taken  proper  measures  to  estab- 
lish a  little  higher  earthly  claim  to  his  father's  estate,  than  the 
Medium  had  produced  from  the  Spheres. 


FOLLIES    OF   THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    387 

The  circle,  headed  by  Professor  Nozzleman,  convened  at  the 
widow's,  and  to  whom  she  announced  the  unexpected  arrival 
of  her  son.  The  professor  was  taken  aback  by  the  startling 
news.  He  evidently  smelt  something  "  in  the  wind,"  being  ex- 
ceedingly inquisitive  as  to  the  character  of  her  sonj  his  age, 
intentions,  place  of  residence,  how  long  he  was  going  to  stay, 
et  cetera,  expressing  also  undue  anxiety  to  see  him. 

Learning  from  the  widow  the  fact  of  his  rank  infidelity,  on 
the  score  of  Spiritualism,  the  unlooked-for  heir  was  conse- 
quently any  thing  but  a  welcome  visitor  to  the  ghostly  admin- 
istrator. Nevertheless,  resolving  to  finish  the  game  by  a  bold 
throw,  he  sought  Edward  early  next  morning,  and  addressed 
him  thus : 

"  Young  man,  thy  father  hattt  duly  appointed  me  executor 
of  his  estate.  He  doth  direct  me  from  the  Spirit- World,  to 
pay  thee  one  thousand  dollars,  and  take  from  thee  this  receipt, 
in  full.  Here  is  thy  money.  Lay  it  carefully  away,  and  see 
that  thou  makest  good  use  of  it." 

"Please,  excuse  me,  sir,"  replied  Edward.  "The  death  of 
my  beloved  father  bears  heavily  upon  me.  I  feel  too  indisposed" 
for  the  transaction  of  business  just  now." 

"  The  spirit  of  thy  father  ordereth  me,  that  if  thou  refuses-t 
to  comply,  at  this  present  time,  never  to  pay  thee  a  farthing," 
said  his  Mediumship,  in  a  tone  of  authority. 

"  I  am  in  no  immediate  want  of  money,"  responded  Edward. 
"  Be  so  good  as  to  allow  me  time  to  become  a  little  more  set- 
tled. You  shall  then  have  my  attention." 

Our  Medium  deputy  was  foiled.     Such  coolness  discomposed 


888  LUCY    BOSTON. 

him,  and  he  departed  not  a  little  abruptly,  -with  at  least  no  abate- 
ment of  his  uneasiness. 

Edward  at  once  laid  the  matter  before  the  proper  authorities, 
and  Z.  Socrates  Nozzleman,  Olfactory  Medium,  Spiritual  M.  D., 
K.  Q.  X.,  Professor  of  Puffeniburg,  and  Arch  Apostle  of  the 
Sphericals,  was  invited  by  the  sheriff  to  take  rooms  at  the 
"  Grate  Public  Hotel,"  where  he  remained  until  the  next  git- 
ting  of  the  Supreme  Court,  when  his  spiritualship  received  an 
appointment  in  the  State  Prison  Department  for  the  term  of 
ten  years.  Necessity,  stern  and  inexorable,  compelled  him  io 
resign  his  executorial  office  with  large  emoluments  into  the 
hands  of  Edward,  who  was  thereupon  duly  appointed  material 
administrator  of  his  father's  estate. 

We  omitted  to  note  the  opportune  arrival  of  the  sheriff,  a 
circumstance  not  only  fortuitous  but  fortunate,  as  Z.  Socrates, 
smelling  so  strongly  something  "  in  the  wind,"  was  preparing 
to  take  his  departure,  the  coming  night,  for  parts  unknown, 
but  he  was  a  day  too  late.  For  once  swift-footed  justice  got 
the  start  of  his  guardian  spirit  and  cut  off  his  escape. 

The  spirits  had  failed  him.  He  would  have  resorted  to  the 
more  reliable  intervention  of  his  own  legs  for  an  alibi,  but  ma- 
terialism in  the  shape  of  iron  fetters  rendered  it  impracticable. 

The  Spiritists,  put  thus  to  their  trumps,  concentrated  their 
entire  forces,  and  making  a  final  rally,  as  the  forlorn  hope,  in- 
voked all  Spheredom  for  assistance,  in  this  their  last  extremity, 
but  not  a  ghost  came  to  the  rescue. 

On  receiving  sentence,  the  illustrious  convict  elevating  hia 
nasal  organ,  gave  one  tremendous  snuff,  and  said, 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    389 

"  I  smell  that  Spiritualism  is  a  mighty  big  FIZZLE  !  " 
This  was  the  final  extinguisher.  Funglehead  had  gone  up  ! 
Nozzleman  went  down  I  The  circles  disbanded.  Many  of  the 
more  prominent  members  landed  in  the  Mad-House,  others  in 
the  Poor-House,  the  balance  declaring  they  "  never  believed  in 
it,  but  only  attended  to  see  what  fools  folks  could  make  of 
themselves  when  they  set  out." 

Puffemburg  was  deserted.  News  of  the  grand  finale  of  this 
comico-tragedy  flew  on  electric  wings  over  both  continents. 
The  Spheres  deharmonized  and  detached  from  Earth,  forsook 
their  orbits,  and  wheeled  away  into  the  boundless  void  of  an- 
nihilation, leaving  our  mundane  orb  to  grind  on  as  before ! 

Thus  ended  Spiritualism  at  its  fountain  head. 

We  understand  that  a  few  smaller  lights  are  yet  practicing 
it,  as  the  dying  echo  of  an  exploded  humbug. 


• 


' 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 


"Misplaced — in  a  wrong  position — placed  in  an  incongruous  situation — out  of 
one's  proper  sphere." — Noah  Webster. 


THE  representatives  of  the  lady  democracy  of  the  Empire 
State  were  now  carrying  matters  with  a  high  feather  at 
the  capitol,  aping  other  legislative  bodies  in  the  modifying,  ab- 
rogation, and  enactment  of  laws,  respectively  agreeable  to  their 
ambition,  their  pockets  and  their  whims,  and  all  under  pretense 
of  serving  the  best  interests  of  their  constituents. 

The  early  part  of  the  session  had  been  marked  by  much 
confusion,  and  almost  the  entire  absence  of  any  thing  like  leg- 
islative order  and  decorum.  Personal  abuse,  and  private  scan- 
dal, bills  legitimate  and  illegitimate  —  speeches  long  and  short 
and  on  all  conceivable  subjects,  save  the  one  before  the  house, 
were  the  order — or  more  strictly  speaking  the  disorder  —  of 
the  day,  and  threatening  to  render  abortive  the  object  for 
which  that  body  of  congregated  wisdom  had  assembled  in 
council. 

But  while  a  majority  of  our  lady  rulers  determined  to  rely 
solely  upon  their  own  resources,  and  as  far  as  in  them  lay  denied 
to  the  male  sex  any  share  or  influence  in  public  affairs,  a  few 

(390) 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    891 

of  the  more  sensible  saw  the  necessity  of  profiting  by  the  ex- 
perience and  advice  of  the  statesmen,  so  called. 

Accordingly  husbands,  fathers,  and  brothers  were  consulted 
in  private,  and  under  whose  direction  a  new  code  of  rules  for 
the  government  of  the  Legislature,  being  drawn  up,  presented 
to  that  body,  and  after  a  stormy  debate  adopted ,  order  gradu- 
ally grew  out  of  confusion,  and  tho  Hall  of  State  began  to  as- 
sume, in  some  degree,  the  aspect  of  parliamentary  propriety. 

Yet  one  anomaly,  somewhat  incongruous  and  not  easily  ob- 
viated, still  characterized  the  daily  business  of  the  session. 
Most  of  the  female  members  were  persons  of  middle  age,  and 
many  of  them  mothers. 

The  husbands  of  these  prolific  stateswomen,  to  be  sure,  were 
being  rapidly  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  the  nursery.  Not 
a  few  of  them  had  already  become  such  adepts  in  providing  for 
the  wants  and  sundry  peculiarities  of  the  "little  responsibili- 
ties," as  reflected  the  highest  honor,  not  only  on  their  training, 
but  afforded  incontestable  evidence  of  their  hitherto  unsus- 
pected aptitude  for  tho  business. 

But  it  is  an  adage,  both  aged  and  profound,  that  great  occa- 
sions develop  great  talents.  Yet,  notwithstanding  the  re- 
markable proficiency  of  the  fathers  of  the  commonwealth  in 
this  their  new  and  interesting  occupation,  one  difficulty  re- 
mained, which  neither  their  patience  nor  their  ingenuity  could 
overcome ;  a  want,  in  fact,  which  none  but  mothers  could  sup- 
ply. A  supplement  was  therefore  added  to  the  "  standing 
rules,"  setting  apart  an  hour,  twice  during  the  day,  in  order 
that  the  future  hopes  of  the  Republic  might  draw  from  the 


392  .       LUCY   BOSTON. 

maternal  breast  that  nutriment  without  which  all  governments 
whether  male  or  female,  would  cease  to  exist. 

During  these  juvenile  repasts  the  chambers  were  necessarily 
thrown  open  to  the  ingress  of  the  masculine  nurses,  when  the 
male  loungers  of  the  galleries  and  lobbies  seized  the  opportunity 
of  paying  their  respects  to  the  "  powers  that  be."  It  was  usu- 
ally the  hour  of  confusion  let  loose. 

Talking,  laughing,  flirting  of  dandies  in  petticoats,  with  co- 
quettes in  pantaloons,  squalling  of  infantiles,  and  scolding  of 
mothers,  together  with  sundry  lectures  to  husbands  on  their 
behavior,  presented  to  the  impartial  observer  a  scene  which 
lacked  something  of  that  dignity  for  which  we  have  been  ac- 
customed to  look  in  the  representative  wisdom  of  a  great  and 
enlightened  state. 

We  have  omitted  to  mention  the  fact  that  a  change  of  dress, 
especially  among  the  females,  had  now  become  nearly  universal. 
There  remained  however  a  small  minority,  conservatives  of 
their  day  and  generation,  who  still  clung  to  the  habiliments  of 
their  mothers. 

Not  so  the  men,  but  two  classes  of  whom  had  adopted  the 
female  costume.  The  first  from  compulsion, by  the  force  either 
of  curtain  lectures  or  the  broomstick ;  the  other,  under  the  (to 
them)  equally  compulsory  influence  of  the  law  of  fashion,  the 
latter  class  consisting  mainly  of  the  dandy  and  coxcomb.  Many 
a  brainless  exquisite  promenaded  the  streets  rigged  out  in  all 
the  finery  of  the  female  habit  of  twenty  years  ago,*  or  the 

*  The  reader  mnst  bear  in  mind  that  we  are  dealing  with  events  some  twenty  years 
in  advance  of  the  present 


FOLLIES    OF    THE    XIXiH    CEN.TURY.    393 

days  of  basques,  flounces,  flowing  bishops,  scavenger  skirts, 
and  bonnets-in-the-rear. 

Strictly  speaking,  these  were  not  converts  to  the  doctrine  of 
"woman's  rights,"  but  merely  converts  to  fashion.  Almighty 
fashion  !  fit  concomitant  of  the  follies  of  the  nineteenth  cen- 
tury, and  to  whose  capricious  dictates,  not  only  the  dandy,  but 
—  if  professor  Porson  may  be  credited,  for  integrity  of  poetic  de- 
scription —  even  Beelzebub  himself  renders  allegiance. 

The  politicians  of  the  day  to  a  man  —  woman  we  should 
have  said  — adopted  the  costume  which  in  by-gone  times  had 
been  considered  the  exclusive  property  of  the  male  sex,  but 
many  of  the  younger  class,  with  true  female  tenacity,  still  ad- 
hered to  some  of  the  fashions  of  the  past  age.  For  instance, 
with  those  who  considered  themselves  the  ton,  that  tasteful  ad- 
dition to  the  female  form,  the  "  bustle,"  was  still  a  sine  qua  non. 

On  the  first  introduction  of  this  style  of  dress  it  came  to  be 
a  serious  question  with  connoisseurs,  whether  the  article  in- 
creased or  diminished  the  grace  and  dignity  of  the  masculine 
costume.  We  know  not  as  it  has  ever  been  defined  what  Ho- 
garth meant  by  his  "  Line  of  Beauty,"  and  while  that  ques- 
tion is  mooted,  some  might  be  disposed  to  class  the  hump  on 
the  back  of  the  camel  and  buffalo,  or  even  the  "  human  form 
divine,"  with  the  style  of  beauty  and  sublimity  so  much  ad- 
mired in  the  bold  outline  of  mountain  scenery.  At  all  events, 
though  neither  tailor  nor  mantua-maker,  yet  pretending  to  some 
taste  in  these  matters,  we  look  upon  it  as  the  perfection  of  the 
"true  sublime"  and  beautiful  in  female  adornments. 

Suppose,  reader,  a  lady  wearing  a  close-fitting  dress  coat,  a 
la  Grimes,  "all  buttoned  down  before,"  —  but  Nature,  is  not  a 


394  LUCY    BOSTON. 

proper  subject  for  criticism.  Behold  the  reverse  of  the  figure. 
Somewhere  about  mid-way,  the  dorsal  column  hugely  jets  the 
" Bustle!"  whence  the  coat  stands  boldly  off  at  an  angle  of 
some  forty  degrees,  while  from  the  verge  of  this  projection  the 
lapels  fall  gracefully,  and  like  streamers 

"Wave  in  the  west  \riiuls  summer  sighs," 
in  a  very  becoming  manner  ! 

We  stated  in  the  beginning,  that  our  mission  was  not  theo- 
retical but  historical,  not  empty  fiction  nor  philosophical  dis- 
quisition, but  simply  a  record  of  facts.  Hence  we  disclaimed 
all  speculation  on  the  subject  before  us,  and  whether  this 
downfall  of  the  mighty  and  exaltation  of  the  humble  and  the 
meek,  was  a  blessing,  or  otherwise,  we  have  not  even  expressed 
an  opinion  ;  nor  are  we  about  to  deviate  from  the  direct  line 
of  our  narrative. 

Our  female  legislators  were  very  much  annoyed  in  some  of 
their  proceedings  by  lobby  importunities  and  out-door  influence. 
The  Spiritualists  of  either  sex,  aware  of  the  important  service 
rendered  by  their  order  in  elevating  to  power  the  dominant 
party,  were  especially  clamorous  for  their  reward,  and  with  the 
peculiar  self-denial  of  political  parasites  claimed  the  lion's  share 
of  the  "  spoils."  In  fact,  so  numerous  were  the  applicants  of 
this  class,  that  all  the  offices  in  the  gift  of  the  Executive  or  the 
Legislature  were  as  inadequate  to  their  demands  as  would  be 
the  "five  loaves  and  the  two  small  fishes"  — without  the  mir- 
acle—  to  supply  the  beleaguering  armies  of  Sevastopol. 

A  few  were  well  rewarded.  Judge  Addlehead,  as  a  recom- 
pense for  services  rendered  and  in  compliment  to  his  high  legal 
attainments  in  spiritual  jurisprudence,  was  placed  at  the  head  of 


FOLLIES    OF    THE   XIXiH    CENT\JRY.    395 

the  judiciary.  Governor  Longnat,  made  Secretary  of  State, 
soon  fell  into  deep  political  discussion  with  an  embassador  from 
the  Spheres.  Johnson  David  Anderson  was  appointed  President 
of  a  Spiritual  College  already  in  successful  operation ;  and  Fillip 
Waddell,  professor  of  Oratory  in  the  same.  Professor  Krewsy- 
bull,  superintendent  of  Negro  Affairs.  His  talented  wife  was 
sent  on  a  mission  to  "  Boora-Boora-G-ha,"  while  one  of  her  most 
intimate  friends  and  promising  pupils  was  very  properly  pre- 
sented with  a  situation  in  the  Lunatic  Asylum.  Betsey  Hoax 
Jones,  Esq.,  was  sent  Embassadress  to  the  Queen  of  Egypt. 
Reverend  Brunetta  Reddish,  D.  D.,  was  made  a  Cardinal ;  and 
Honorable  Lucinda  Hardhead,  superintendent  of  the  establish- 
ment for  supplying  the  army  with  breeches  ! 

Aside  from  the  clamor  for  office,  as  before  intimated,  a  strong 
outside  and  lobby  dictation  was  at  work  to  control  or  stifle 
legislative  action.  As  stated  in  a  former  chapter,  new  laws  had 
been  enacted  on  the  subject  of  marriage,  and  great  changes 
effected  in  the  relative  position  of  the  sexes,  but  radicalism 
(as  in  all  great  political  convulsions)  was  rampant,  and  still 
farther  legislation  on  the  subject  demanded.  One  party  —  of 
the  polygamist  school  —  were  urging  the  passage  of  a  law  allow- 
ing the  women  a  plurality  of  husbands,  the  number  to  be  only 
limited  by  the  ability  of  the  lady  to  support  them.  On  the 
other  hand,  hecatombs  of  petitions,  with  furlongs  of  signatures, 
loaded  the  tables  of  the  house,  "  humbly  praying  "  the  legisla- 
ture to  abrogate  all  human  enactments  on  the  subject  of  mar- 
riage, leaving  it  for  the  Spheres  alone  to  regulate  conjugal 
relations  and,  through  Medium  agency,  to  bring  together  those 
fortunate  individuals  who  had  been  matched  in  the  "  Zones." 


396  LUCY    BOSTON. 

In  short,  "  spiritual  marriage,"  or  what  the  profane  denominate 
marriage  de  convenience  —  in  which  a  change  of  companions  was 
not  only  tolerated,  but  became  as  common  almost  as  a  change  of 
partners  in  a  country  dance  — had  a  large  number  of  advocates 
among  the  female  "  red  republicans;"  and  like  Know-Nothingism, 
twenty  years  ago,  threatened  for  a  time  to  carry  all  before  it. 

Governor  Boston,  with  some  of  her  more  sensible  adherents, 
had  watched  the  progress  of  the  revolution  with  not  a  little 
trepidation.  Seriously  alarmed  at  the  threatening  aspect  of 
political  affairs,  they  began  to  fear,  lest  in  their  zeal  for  reform, 
they  had  raised  a  spirit  which  it  would  be  extremely  difficult 
for  them  to  lay.  Governor  Boston,  especially  (in  whom  we 
hope  the  reader  has  discovered  symptoms  of  sound  common 
sense,  in  spite  of  her  ultraismin  some  respects),  was  becoming, 
in  a  measure,  sceptical  on  the  subject  of  the  so-called  Modern  Re- 
form. The  itinerant  lecturer  had  first  led  her  to  believe,  and  then 
to  doubt.  The  career  of  Funglehead  and  Nozzleman  confirmed 
her  in  the  belief,  that  although  Spiritualism  might  possess  some 
grains  of  truth,  yet  they  were  buried  and  lost  beneath  moun- 
tains of  imposture.  • 

The  doctrine  of  polygamy  was  especially  repugnant  to  all 
her  ideas  of  propriety,  and  the  practical  tendency  of  "  spiritual 
marriage"  was  too  demoralizing  to  meet  her  approbation  for  a 
moment.  At  this  time,  however,  the  "  tide  in  the  affairs  of 
women"  was  at  its  flood,  and  both  these  measures  passed, 
with  several  others  equally  wise  and  equally  expedient. 

But  Lucy  "  took  the  responsibility,"  interposed  her  veto,  and 
the  session  finally  closed,  having  done  little,  if  any  thing  of 
importance,  except  what  is  recorded  in  a  previous  chapter. 


CHAPTER   XXX. 


1  All's  well  that  ends  well. 


THE  Legislature  closed  its  eventful  session,  and  the  mem- 
bers returned  to  their  constituents,  the  feminine  portion  of 
•whom  were  generally  welcomed  by  their  own  sex,  with  "  well 
done,  good  and  faithful  servants.".  There  was,  however,  a 
certain  class  of  females  who  refused  their  approbation.  Whe- 
ther this  withholding  from  their  representatives  their  "  meed 
of  praise"  argued  a  grudging  disposition  or  degeneracy  from 
the  true  spirit  of  independence  and  patriotism,  whether  it  was 
the  want  of  ambition  or  the  result  of  wise  reflection  and  rea- 
sonable aversion  to  "  mixing  with  politics,"  we  leave  for  the 
reader  to  decide. 

Miss  Governor  Boston  remained  steadfastly  at  the  Executive 
Mansion,  as  if,  were  the  incumbent  to  "lock  up  the  house"  and 
absent  herself,  some  political  burglar  might  gain  entrance  and 
locate  himself  in  the  Chair  of  State,  a  self-constituted  suc- 
cessor, to  fill  the  vacancy. 

The  day  fixed  for  woman's  imperial  coronation  drew  nigh. 
The  lords  of  creation,  with  becoming  submission,  wisely  anti- 
cipated and  prepared  for  the  hour  of  "  surrender,"  while 
among  the  "  strong  minded"  (with  whom  we  do  not  count 
84  (397) 


398  LucYBosTON. 

you,  respected  female  reader),  the  cry  was,  "  Hurrah  for  Wo- 
man's Rights  and  the  downfall  of  man  power !" 

The  wheels  of  Time,  whirling  onward,  the  mighty  train  of 
events  neared  the  goal  of  fate.  Man,  as  man,  turned  to  be- 
hold for  the  last  time  the  setting  sun,  when  the  King  of  Day, 
no  doubt  from  sympathy  with  his  kind,  covering  himself  with 
sackcloth  of  indigo,  hid  his  face  and  retired  to  his  secret  cham- 
ber. Not  so  his  Queen.  As  if  celebrating  her  accession  to 
the  throne,  her  Majesty,  arrayed  in  robes  of  silver,  with  her 
courtly  retinue,  paraded  up  and  down  her  royal  saloon,  hung 
with  glowing  astrals,  and  danced  all  night  to  the  "  music  of  the 
Spheres."  Meek-eyed  Morn  threw  by  her  veil  and-  looked 
brusque.  Phoebus,  —  like  Prime  Ministers  and  Lord  High 
Chamberlains  in  general,  possessing  a  self-adjusting  power  of 
adaptation  to  any  dominant  form  of  government,  old  or  new, 
tendering  allegiance  to  the  new  sovereignty,  —  appeared  in 
gorgeous  splendor,  and  with  the  utmost  suavity  shed  his  gol- 
den smiles  upon  the  inaugural  of  the  new  feminine  dynasty. 

Behold  now  the  magic  metamorphosis  in  the  triumph  of 
"  woman's  rights." 

The  male  population  of  the  Empire  State,  like  good,  law- 
abiding  citizens,  arose  with  the  sun,  put  on  the  petticoats,  and 
entered  with  cheerful  alacrity  upon  their  domestic  duties.  To 
most"  of  the  new  servants,  it  was  a  somewhat  awkward  busi- 
ness, to  be  sure,  but  the  honest  souls  did  as  well  as  they  knew 
how,  and  who  could  reasonably  be  required  to  do  better? 
Therefore,  fair  reader,  do  not  laugh,  if  they  did  act  clumsily 
and  make  an  occasional  blunder.  They  merit  your  pity,  not 
your  ridicule,  for  with"  their  house-keeping  began  also  their 


FOLLIES   OP    THE    XIXxH    CENTURY.    399 

cares  and  their  trials,  cares  and  trials  numerous  and  sore  enough 
to  make  the'ii  wish  a  dozen  times  a  day  that  they  "  had  never 
got  married."  For  instance,  on  the  very  first  morning  when 
the  husbands  awoke  their  wives  (now  the  legal  head),  and 
brothers  their  sisters,  ordering  them  to  "  get  up  and  make  a 
fire"  and  "  put  over  the  tea-kettle,"  instead  of  complying  with 
the  reasonable  command,  they  but  half-opened  their  eyes,  and 
instantly  fell  into  a  sound  sleep  again,  stubbornly  refusing  to 
lose  their  morning  nap  :  and  so  the  hapless  men  servants  were 
left  to  undergo  the  hardship  of  kindling  their  own  fires  and 
putting  on  their  own  tea-kettles.  They  might  have  doggedly 
resolved  to  lie  still  and  starve,  rather  than  brook  the  cruelty, 
but  willing  to  bear  almost  any  thing  for  the  sake  of  peace  in 
the  family,  they  arose  ^vith  resignation,  struck  their  own  fires, 
and  prepared  the  morning  meal,  the  women  meanwhile  enjoy- 
ing their  "riyht"  of  sleeping  till  called  to  breakfast.  *  *  * 
That  breakfast !  But  'tis  not  marvelous  if  in  too  many  in- 
stances the  cofiee  was  unsettled ;  the  steak  raw  or  roasted  to  a 
crisp  j  the  potatoes  smoked,  the  cakes  half  dough,  or  done 
blade;  the  presiding  house-keeper  besmeared  with  soot,  greece 
and  batter,  with  a  quantity  of  rags  bound  upon  his  scalded 
hands;  the  table-cloth  and  carpet  soaked  where  the  platter  hap- 
pened to  land  bottom  upwards;  the  children  half  dressed  and 
unwashed,  crying  for  something  to  eat;  the  women  sour  and 
crabbed  for  being  kept  from  their  business  by  waiting  "  for- 
ever" for  breakfast,  and  declaring  when  they  did  get  it  that  it 
was  not  "fit  for  cannibals." 

And  after  breakfast !     But  we  will  not  follow  the  "  masters 
of  the  mansion"  up  stairs  and  down,  to  watch  their  movements 


400  LUCY    BOSTON. 

in  all  the  various  departments  of  house-husbandry,  in  chamber, 
kitchen  and  nursery.  It  is  enough  to  say,  that  they  were  uni- 
formerly  "  good  keepers  at  home,"  industrious,  economical, 
good-natured,  and  systematic  as  the  case  would  allow  j  that  in 
all  the  routine  of  domestic  economy  they  were  passably  dex- 
terous, though  in  nothing  did  they  so  much  excel,  as  in  the 
arts  of  wet-nurse,  slapjacks  and  pastry. 

But  from  within  let  us  look  out  of  doors.  As  the  ladies 
had  volunteered  various  directory  items  in  relation  to  the  do- 
mestic affairs,  the  gentlemen  could  hardly  do  less  than  recipro- 
cate the  kindness.  Accordingly  the  farmer  told  them  where  to 
find  the  horses,  and  oxen,  and  harness,  and  yokes,  and  carts, 
and  chains,  and  plows,  and  hoes,  and  shovels,  and  pitchforks, 
and  axes,  and  scythes,  &c.,  what  portions  of  woodland  had 
better  be  "  chopped  and  cleared  up" —  what  was  the  usual  pro- 
gramme of  planting,  sowing,  and  harvesting  —  that  the  stalls 
and  styes  would  require  their  attention  —  that  they  must  lay 
in  a  good  supply  of  provisions  —  that  wood  and  water  must 
be  furnished  for  cooking,  baking,  washing,  and  ironing  —  that 
the  cows  must  be  milked,  "  the  calves  suckled/'  and  churning 
done  in  good  time. 

The  various  artificers  said  to  them  dryly, 

"  You  will  find  the  tools  in  the  shop,"  accompanying  the  in- 
telligence with  sapient  suggestions  in  the  line  of  architecture, 
as  connected  with  their  respective  trades ;  and  particularly  the 
swarthy  sons  of  Vulcan  and  Tubal-Cain,  with  brawny  arms, 
pointed  their  fair  successors  to  the  forge,  and  gave  them  the 
benefit  of  sundry  valuable  hints  in  the  science  and  art  of  met- 
allurgy. 


FOLLIES   or   THE   XIXTH   CENTURY.    401 

Merchants,  "  business  men "  of  every  class,  and  male  in- 
cumbents of  public  office  delivered  up  the  keys.  The  eventful 
period  had  come  and  passed.  Woman  was  in  power.  Behold 
the  scene ! 

Banks,  stores,  offices,  shops,  all  closed,  save  the  milliner 
shops,  which  as  they  now  belonged  to  the  province  of  the  men, 
were  promptly  attended  to,  and  a  brisk  trade  driven  in  the  out- 
fit of  the  new  "fashionables"  who  in  their  passion  for  trinkets 
and  finery,  teased  their  wives  for  money,  and  when  denied,  did 
not  hesitate  to  run  them  into  debt.  The  sound  of  the  anvil 
and  the  clatter  of  machinery  was  hushed.  The  plow  stood  still 
in  the  furrow.  Trees  felled  by  the  hand  of  man  remained  en- 
tire in  the  forest.  Canals  and  railroads  ceased  their  functions. 
Boats,  laden  and  empty,  lay  along  the  tow-paths,  destitute  of  a 
helmsman,  the  horses  standing  in  the  harness  without  a  driver. 
The  locomotives  in  the  engine-houses  were  not  "fired  up," 
and  those  upon  the  track,  deserted  by  the  engineers,  whistled, 
"  bolted  the  course,"  and  stood  motionless  and  silent,  bringing 
the  tide  of  travel  suddenly  to  a  dead  stand-still,  and  leaving 
sundry  passenger  as  well  as  freight  trains  midway  between  sta- 
tions—  the  telegraphic  wires  were  uncommunicative  —  the 
stage  coaches,  with  passengers  and  mail-bags,  stood  scattered 
along  the  routes,  just  where  the  first  of  April  overtook  them 
— the  steamboats  lay  silent  at  the  wharves,  the  shipping  in  the 
harbors  without  a  sailor  on  board  —  and,  as  if  Nature's  sympa- 
thetic cord  were  touched,  not  a  breath  of  air  ruffled  the  glassy 
surface  of  the  water,  while  the  canvass  clung  to  the  spars  of 
the  vessels,  as  if  either  in  downright  burlesque,  or  to  carry  out 
the  scheme  of  their  sex,  and  to  be  in  the  fashion,  they  too  had 
34* 


402  LUCY    BOSTON. 

defied  their  inflated  habit,  and  donned  the  bloomer  "rig."  In 
short,  all,  save  within  the  domiciliary  doors,  was  universal 
stagnation.  Agriculture,  commerce  and  art  exhibited  no 
signs  of  life.  The  motive  power  or  vital  function  of  public 
activity  was  suspended,  and  as  the  heart  of  the  system  ceased 
to  pulsate,  the  current  of  life  and  health,  of  necessity,  no  longer 
flowed  through  its  veins  and  arteries. 

Gloomy  silence  reigned  everywhere,  broken  only  by  the  as- 
siduous clattering,  amorous  ditties,  and  merry  laughter  of  the 
domestics,  turned  into  strange  dissonance  by  the  doleful  out- 
cries of  the  hungry  animals  from  the  stalls  and  styes.  Poor 
brutes !  which  must  have  perished  of  starvation,  had  not  the 
kitchen-men,  from  motives  of  humanity,  occasionally  in  a  sly 
way  attended  to  their  wants. 

The  "strong-minded"  were  evidently  taken  by  surprise. 
They  had  not  anticipated  such  a  preconcerted  "  masterly  inac- 
tivity" on  the  part  of  the  male  population  in  respect  to  busi- 
ness matters.  It  was  amusing  to  see  the  sovereigns  request 
their  "  domestics  "  to  accompany  and  assist  them  in  their  vari- 
ous employments,  and  hear  them  decline  on  account  of  "  press- 
ing household  cares." 

The  "servants"  also  received  frequent  applications  from 
their  mistresses  to  exchange  places,  but,  with  the  exception  of 
here  and  there  a  "  doughface,"  they  uniformly  refused,  on  the 
ground  that  it  was  unconstitutional,  and  they  wished  to  be 
peaceable,  law-abiding  subjects. 

How  different  the  state  of  things  within  doors.  The  new 
house-keepers  were  delighted  with  their  transmigration.  All 
was  life,  activity  and  merriment.  They  made  every  thing  move, 


FOLLIES    OF   THE    XIXTH    CENTURY.    403 

if  not  in  all  instances,  like  "  clock-work."  It  is  true,  they  met 
with  more  "  kicks  "  than  compliments,  especially  for  their  cu- 
linary performances,  but  with  abundant  good  nature,  concluding 
that  the  only  way  was  to  "live  and  learn/'  they  would  "hurry 
the  work  out  of  the  way/'  and,  ordering  up  the  carriage,  take  a 
ride,  or  in  the  good  old-fashioned  style,  with  sewing  and  knit- 
ting work  in  hand,  run  together  and  enjoy  their  tea-party  chat. 
The  crisis  had  come.  The  grand  problem  of  "  woman's 
rights"  was  solved  in  a  universal  "smash-up,"  to  speak  in  the 
vernacular  of  this  steam  and  lightning  age. 

The  Ship  of  State,  remodeled  and  new-rigged  with  such 
dispatch,  launched  so  triumphantly,  and  without  ballast,  chart, 
compass,  or  practical  helmsman,  under  the  mighty  press  of  her 
canvass,  dashing  through  foam  and  spray,  among  rocks,  quick- 
sands and  whirlpools,  on  the  sea  of  Experiment,  had  quickly 
foundered  and  gone  to  pieces  amid  darkness  and  tempest. 
From  every  quarter  went  up  the  cry  for  help. 

All  eyes  were  turned  imploringly  towards  the  Governor,  who 
saw  and  appreciated  the  fatal  catastrophe.  Petitions  the  most 
importunate  poured  in  upon  her  from  her  sex,  to  assemble  the 
Legislature  without  delay,  that  something  might  be  done  for 
woman's  wrongs,  as  they  were  absolutely  intolerable. 

Great  anxiety  was  manifested  by  the  female  constituency  of 
the  "  rural  districts  "  in  particular,  that  relief  might  be  afforded 
in  time  for  "  spring's  work  "  to  be  done. 

This  public  expression  was  too  strong  to  be  resisted,  even 
had  the  Executivess  been  disposed  to  tread  in  the  footsteps  of 
sundry  of  her  illustrious  predecessors,  and  throw  the  petitions 
t(  under  the  table."  Accordingly  the  Legislature  was  speedily 


404  LUCY    BOSTON. 

convened  in  special  session.  Every  member  appeared; with 
swarms  of  "  lobbies  "  and  spectators,  among  whom  was  our 
jolly  friend  Wilson. 

Governor  Boston  appeared  in  person  before  the  Council  of 
State,  and  with  deep  mortification  listened  to  the  tale  of  folly, 
shame  and  disaster.  Her  eyes,  and  those  of  her  sex,  were 
opened.  They  recognized  and  had  the  frankness  to  acknowl- 
edge their  splendid  failure,  and  that  they  were  entirely  out  of 
their  place.  For  the  most  part  the  feminines  could  not,  nor 
did  they  attempt  to  blame  any  but  themselves  and  their  sex, 
for  they  had  revolutionized  the  government,  and  passed  their 
own  laws,  and  the  men  had  submissively  obeyed  them. 

Governess  Boston,  in  person,  presented  a  verbal  message, 
deploring  the  public  and  private  calamity  induced  by  fanatacism, 
mixed  with  ambition  for  notoriety,  and  recommending  the  im- 
mediate abrogation  of  the  New  Dispensation,  restoring  things 
upon  their  former  basis — and  that  accordingly  her  sex  resign 
their  false  position,  return  to  the  Sphere  and  resume  the  duties 
for  which  they  were  designed. 

This  wise  recommendation  was  as  wisely  adopted,  her  Excel- 
lency forthwith  setting  the  example. 

The  Restoration  was  accomplished.  Man  was  in  power 
again. 

Thus  ended  "  Woman's  Rights,"  like  its  great  cotemporary, 
Spiritualism,  in  the  language  of  the  illustrious  Z.  Socrates,  a 
"  mighty  big  humbug." 

On  the  steps  of  the  Capitol,  Wilson  and  Ex-Governor 
LUCY  recognized  each  other  with  a  cordial  shake  of  the  hand. 

"  Miss  Boston,"  said  our  landlord,  in  his  own  peculiar  way, 


FOLLIES    OP    THE    XIXiH    CENTURY.    405 

"  I  understood  you  to  say  that  you  desired  to  move  in  the 
Sphere  and  attend  to  the  duties  for  which  you  were  designed." 
"  Certainly  I  do,  sir." 

"  Were  you  designed  to  become  Mrs.  Wilson,  think  you?" 

"Possibly  —  if  that  is  the  design  of  Mr.  Wilson.1' 

They  were  arm  in  arm.  The  Chaplain  still  present,  there  in 
the  Capitol,  arnid  the  brilliant  concourse  of  dignitaries,  she 
who,  but  a  few  moments  before,  was  the  Chief  Magistrate  of 
the  Empire  State,  had  suddenly  emigrated  to  the  State  of  Mat- 
rimony, and  ascending  from  the  gubernatorial  chair  of  political 
empire,  as  wife  and  help-meat  of  one  in  heart  and  soul  worthy 
of  her  noble  self,  was  inaugurated  Governess  of  the  domestic 
circle  in  a  village  boarding-house,  according  to  design. 

The  following  morning  found  them  on  their  homeward  jour- 
ney. In  Wilson's  absence,  Amaziah  applied  to  Miss  Hager  to 
"fit  him  a  dress."  During  the  process,  the  lucky  thought 
struck  him  of  having  a  mantua-maker  of  his  own,  and  to  which 
Miss  H had  not  "  the  least  objection  in  this  icorld." 

Our  landlord  and  landlady,  on  their  arrival,  found  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Badger  cosily  located  as  their  boarders,  and  occupying  the 
quondam  haunted  chamber.  The  surprise  was  mutual. 

At  the  point  where  we  drop  the  thread  of  our  narrative, 
they  were  gliding  down  the  stream  of  life,  prosperously  and 
pleasantly. 

The  Mermaid,  foiled  in  her  "filibuster"  expedition,  retired 
to  her  ocean  home,  a  confirmed  misanthrope,  beholding  her 
sex  re-enslaved,  yet  rejoicing  in  her  own  freedom  as  she  reveled 
through  the  gem-lit  halls  of  her  coral  palace  and  roamed  the 
azure  fields,  on  the  back  of  her  dolphin  steed,  or  lay 


406  LUCY    BOSTON. 

"Along  the  sco'op'd  side  of  the  hollow  wave, 
Singing  dulcet  music,  to  the  amorous  gales." 

Lucy  —  now  Mrs.  Wilson  —  had  laid  by  her  "bloomer," 
and  sought  no  further  communication  with  her  amphibious 
acquaintance.  The  editor's  wife  was  a  frequent  visitor  at  the 
boarding-house,  but  not  to  borrow  the  "  city  paper."  They 
occasionally  looked  back  and  enjoyed  a  hearty  laugh  over  the 
memorable  "  campaign,"  Wilson  remaining  foremost  in  the 
"ranks  of  fun." 

Our  editor  continued  to  publish  the  National  Bulletin.  The 
issue,  following  the  denouement  of  the  above-mentioned  par- 
ties, heralded  their  marriages,  accompanied  by  one  of  its  racy 
editorials,  and  which  closed  with  the  following  laconic  epitaph  : 

SPIRITUALISM 

AND 

WOMAN'S    RIGHTS! 

Twins  in  their  birth  and  ill  begot ; 
Twins  in  their  grave — there  let  'em  rot. 


Note.  —  Since  writing  the  foregoing  pages,  we  chanced  to  light  upon 
a  volume  composed  by  Judge  Edmonds  and  Doctor  Dexter,  entitled 
"  Spiritualism  ;"  and  which  is  such  a  transcendently  successful  bur- 
lesque, that  had  we  met  it  earlier,  we  should  not  have  had  the  self- 
assurance,  not  to  say  hardihood,  as  to  think  of  introducing  Lucy  Boston 
as  a  rival.  And  even  now,  were  it  not  for  positive  engagements,  we 
should  deem  it  the  part  of  prudent  discretion  to  retire  from  the  field. 
V 


. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


tM 

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71965 

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JUN2     1966 

REC'D  URl-LD 

jUN  2^  «66 

AUG1  2  1966 

Form  L9-20m-7,'61  (C1437s4)444 


L  006  915  196  7 


